Vermin

"I am a worm and not a man." I remember reading about that phrase from the greatest of all the Psalms and the priest said that the word worm, "vermin," referred to a specific type of worm that was crimson and lived in wood and had little legs kind of like a centipede and that it was a symbol of Christ on the cross.

So when I was younger I took magic mushrooms and wandered through the woods and fell deep into darkness and sin.

When I converted I had to find my way back out of the woods. So I prayed and I wandered and I prayed. I remember wandering through the woods, chasing birds and licking mushrooms and smelling flowers, wandering blindly, praying the Rosary constantly, sometimes in tears, sometimes consumed with joy, thinking I was led by the spirit of God. Walking around, praying, carrying stones, climbing trees and fighting trees. I did many strange things, trying to be humble.

And I remember deep in the woods picking up an old rotting stick seemingly at random and breaking it in two. And I saw a red worm curled up within the wood now exposed and I thought it was the vermin that I had read about and I had encountered Christ in my prayer, the Word made flesh. The symbol in nature as I found him while wandering through the woods. I did so many strange things and now I think I am among the living. I am trying to be good now.

Listening to my parents. I want to be like a little child like Christ said we must be. Like the Little Flower, who I follow, though I stubbornly prefer my Gemma.

I am bad to my parents. I will try to honor them more and obey better. I get frustrated at the mess.