Rainbow

"Love My Mother, love My Mother more and more. You will never approach the love of My own Heart for her by yourself, but I, by My free gift, can and will unite you to the love of My Sacred Heart for her. Thus will you come to experience the ineffable union of our two hearts in your own heart."

I saw the most beautiful rainbow tonight as I went out to buy a bottle of soda from the store. A sign of the covenant with Noah. Was able to go to Church today. Holy Innocents for high Mass. I am still waiting on St. Christopher's where I would prefer to go but they are not yet having Mass there. It is not even in a regular Church building, but in a rented hall where they have an altar on a table and some chairs.

I see the rainbow as a sign of God. That he is happy with me and that this week, as I was able to go to Mass for the first time in months, and receive Jesus into my heart while for the longest time I could only visit him in His house in the tabernacle, and on Saturdays look into His Heart but never receive Him into my soul. It was happy to look at Him. For some reason, I am happier looking at Him with my eyes, even than when I receive Him into my heart. I do not know why this is. Maybe it is because I am too worldly. But the rainbow was a sign that God is happy with me and that I do good to do what I am doing, though it is different than what I was doing before I was hospitalized last year in July. I am doing good and am happy.

"Spend less time at the computer and more time in My presence. I wait for you here. I long to see you before Me."

"When a priest approaches My altar laden with sins that have not been confessed or for which he has not repented, My angels look on in horror, My Mother grieves, and I am again wounded in My hands and My feet, and in My Heart. I am again struck on My mouth and treated with a terrible ignominy."

Baby Blue

My father said something yesterday that made me upset He was talking about at the hospital when I was born and how they gave the baby boys blue blankets and the baby girls pink blankets and that this was "sexist". This made me upset. I shouldn't worry about such small things because it is not important but it is a sign . . .

I Hate Television

When I was a child I used to play Nintendo and sometimes my father would get angry and kick the Nintendo until he destroyed it because he was sick of me always playing it. And then he would get me a new Nintendo. I do not remember how many times this happened. I think it happened twice. When I grew up I stopped playing video games and then I stopped watching television. I thought it was a stupid waste of time and infuriating how stupid it seemed to me. And when I became religious I saw watching it as utter slavery to the devil.

I feel similarly in my old age about the television as my father did about the Nintendo and when my parents watch it. I get angry whenever it is on. My parents watch it. Most often they watch MSNBC. I get so angry. It is not just TV, but the Communist news propaganda network, in my mind possibly the worst channel there is. Sometimes I yell at them and tell them to stop watching. And I warn them that watching the television is worshiping the devil. It is how the computer would be if all there was on the internet was porn. I doubt my parents, especially my mother, will ever give up the TV. But it makes me angry. I feel as if at my mother's judgment God will say for every hour you spent adoring me in the Blessed Sacrament, you spent a hundred hours worshiping the devil before the television. They don't care. They probably dismiss my warnings as part of my insanity. But they are good to me except for when they torture me with the television and I love them and want the best for them. I see it as watching my parents committing mortal sin every day with nothing I can do about it. As if they are murdering Jesus and sending themselves to hell in front of my face and when I object they do not listen.

I think I will have to stop complaining. It is pointless and causes division. I will keep my feelings to myself I guess.

A Book I Bought

There is a blog I read. If you know me, you know that there is a monastery I support and have even made donations to. If you know me I generally support the SSPX. I go to Mass and confession there. But this monastery is not SSPX; it is more like the reform of the reform. They say the old Mass and sing the old office, but under the local Bishop. During the isolation, for a while I watched their livestreams of Mass and vespers until they stopped streaming them.

The monastery is called Silverstream Priory and it is in Ireland and the blog is called Vultus Christi. I discovered it when I was a new traditional Catholic, somewhere between 2008 and 2010. One of the priests there claims to receive revelations from Jesus and Mary that promote Eucharistic Adoration. And he published some of them in a book. I just bought the book and am waiting for it to be mailed to me. Dawn Eden does not like it which is a good sign for me. So I should like it.

It was my favorite blog, with inspiring devotional posts. I would read it and it would often make me cry, especially in my times of despair, and boy did I have times of despair. I am looking forward to reading the book. It has been out for a few years so it is not new, but I only just discovered it. I would expect condemnation from those I know, that monastery is liberal, they are compromisers.

I want to read the book. I hope to read it. And I will probably talk about it on this blog. I do not do much spiritual reading other than my daily prayers. This will be some. If it is anything like the blog I will probably love it. In Sinu Jesu is the name of the book. Even if it is a fraud, I think I will like it.

Our Lady Of La Salette's secrets were placed on the index. "Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist" was condemned, yet it is all that is remembered. And it seems to have come true. This book is probably just uncontroversial general piety.

I am looking forward to the book. I have to spend money. I went to the bank today and gave my father some. I pay him rent, but we don't call it that. Money. Money. Money. Some things I just don't understand. Usury.

The Multiplication of Chicken Legs

I went to the store to buy chicken for dinner tomorrow. First I got broccoli and then celery. I almost forgot the celery. And then I put a  package of chicken legs in my basket. When I got to the register to put my food on the belt, there were two packages of chicken legs. I don't know how this happened as I only put one package in my basket. It was a miracle, I thought, the multiplication of chicken legs. So I bought then both and walked home.

Swallowtail

On my first walk I saw my favorite butterfly. Of the ones that live around here that is. I do not often see her. I believe she is called the Eastern Black Swallowtail Butterfly. Black with the blue and the orange or yellow spots that look like eyes at the bottom of the wings.

This butterfly with the blue and the eyes reminds me of the Blessed Mother so she is the Mary butterfly to me so always love to see her. She is not common around here. I usually see her only a few times during the season, and not often like the white butterflies or the Monarchs.

Mockingbird

A few days ago I was out on my walk, near the house owned by the witch and the pirate. The house has a beautiful garden and the woman who keeps the garden looks like a witch and her husband looks like a pirate with tattoos. They have a daughter who is in her twenties. There are so many rose bushes of different colors and other flowers. It is a beautiful garden. Well the other day as I was walking a bird flew near my head and then pulled up right before hitting my head. I felt the wind from his wings on the back of my neck. I looked up and it was a mockingbird. Strange.

Today, a few minutes ago I was on the same walk (almost every day I go on the same two walks, first, to 102nd street, and second, to Atlantic Avenue) and again a mockingbird flew right at my head. It was almost attacking me, dive bombing me and pulling up right before hitting my head. A warning. It did so three or four times, a mockingbird. There were two of them. So they must have a nest somewhere near the witches' garden and they were protecting the eggs from me. It is by the sidewalk where many people walk, so I wonder if the mockingbirds are always attacking the pedestrians and if they attack the witch and the pirate when they are in their garden.

My father told me the other day that a family they knew who owned a house at Fire Island let a young writer live in their house for one summer so that she could have free time to write a book. Her name was Harper Lee. The book she wrote was To Kill A Mockingbird, the famous novel they make everyone read in school.

So the mockingbirds attack me on my walk. If this continues I may have to change the route of my walk, and not go past the beautiful garden but walk across the street.

I got an email from one of my blog's readers that was very nice. I worry that people will not like my blog. I have a few readers. It is hard to tell how many from the stats but it is not a lot. You are la creme de la creme. An exclusive club.

Still praying the Office of the Dead for someone. It feels like I do not pray at all. I have my little prayers and then I go for my walks and make dinner. It is not exhausting at all. I am happy. That seems to be the common theme of my blog, how happy I am. I am fortunate, for now. The future may be bleak. Since I last got out of the hospital I have been praying a lot. And I have been happy. When I first became religious I started praying the fifteen decades of the Rosary every day and since then I missed only one day in so many years. But for a long time I did not always pray more, now I pray more. If is a good way to relieve stress and advance contentment. I do not always say my prayers in the most devout way. When I pray the Rosary because my mind is broken I can not meditate as that function of my mind is out of order, but I say all the words. Usually in Latin, but sometimes in English. And at three I pray the stations, I have fourteen different ones that I pray, a different one each day. Perhaps I should stick to one until I memorize it. And I look at my holy pictures. And I look at Jesus' house and now on Saturdays at Jesus. I wish you happiness and peace.

The common birds in my area are rock doves, mourning doves, sparrows, starlings, mockingbirds, robins, and blue Jays. Sometimes I see cardinals, on rare occasion woodpeckers, and sometimes, lately at least, orange orioles. There is also a family of peregrine falcons. They like to sit on the local Church's steeple. Sometimes various gulls come here from the seashore. I live on Long Island, but not close to the sea, but sometimes the gulls come inland to where I live. Those are all the common birds I see in my neighborhood. Oh yes, on the other side of the Avenue and to the East there are grackles also. I rarely see other birds at all. I love birds. Few things are as beautiful as a bird on the wing, and it is rare for man-made music to reach the heights of the music of the birds. Even simple calls are wonderful. I do not think most people have eyes to see or ears to hear and that is part of why everyone is so miserable. Because they are blind because they do not have God in their souls. My neighbor Elvia is a Catholic. She told me she is happy because she has God in her heart. I hope it is true.

In SIlence

In silence one will find peace; in much speech one will find much sin.

Something the monk was speaking of was the numerous sins that come from much speech. I know I speak too much. I am an ignorant fool so I should remain silent, yet I speak. It is a weakness. I feel the need to express myself in the hopes of finding understanding. And perhaps to ask for help and to help those who need it. I have this blog where I express my thoughts freely. And I speak to people on the internet in forums and things.

When I think of my sins. Lately, I think the sins I commit most frequently are saying aloud bad thoughts. When I think, it is a peculiarity of my condition, I often say my thoughts out loud. Usually when I am alone. Sometimes I fear that I will say bad things around other people and they will accuse me. But mostly I say bad things when I am alone. I think about things, and thinking leads to me speaking to myself. Father Purdy told me that if I just speak without thinking and do not really mean what I say, and it is just a slip of the tongue, there is no sin. But he also seemed to think I shouldn't be talking to myself, even if it was not sin. As if that was a sign that there was something wrong with me; which I admit is likely to be true.

But it seems like a sin. Surely venial. But to say bad things, even without meaning them. It is like I have a devil in my heart living there and I am a sinner and my heart is truly black which is why bad things come from it. The words of the mouth are the substance of the heart overflowing. What one says in the silence of the night without thought is what one truly believes. There is no better indication of the state of one's soul, than the content of one's dreams. Perhaps. But the demons give us dreams often to scare us and corrupt us, but then so does the good God and our guardian angel give us dreams to enlighten and encourage. To divine the meaning of dreams.

I regret the fact that I deleted my dream blog. Over five hundred of my dreams recorded and I deleted it forever. Stupid me. Vanity of vanities. I had many religious dreams. Often in my dreams I was at Mass or receiving Communion or saying prayers. Sometimes I would die in my dreams, and most of the time as I was dying I would pray the Salve Regina. In my dream that was the prayer I would say to prepare for death. Not the Ave Maria. I do not often remember my dreams now that I no longer record them. I think the act of recording them gets one in practice and disposes one to remember one's dreams more often. For two years I remembered my dreams most nights, and often multiple dreams during one night.

So in silence one finds peace; in speech one finds sin. I am a sinner because I speak. I think before I speak unless it is my nervous habit, and meditate and I often pray during the day. My favorite writer was Dostoyevsky and my favorite book was The Brothers Karamazov. He was a Russian Orthodox believer who is buried in a monastery. I guess the Orthodox are the closest to Catholicism of all the other religions. One must say that outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation so he was damned, yet he was baptized so we could hope for his repentance. I should start praying for Dostoyevsky. Or would that be an act of false ecumenism? Perhaps I should rather pray for Blaise Pascal.

They say that Saint Alphonsus Liguori wrote a hundred books. The only one I read was The Glories of Mary. I was told that reading Liguori would lead one to despair, except for that one book, The Glories of Mary. They say the Church used to be stricter until the Jesuits ruined it and turned the Church of Christ into the Church of presumption. It did not start with the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

I am not a great saint. In some ways I do well. My heart is pure for such a sinner as I am (relative to how I used to be. I only know my own heart and not that of others, and it is better than it used to be). I do not lust after women. But I am weak. I eat food and drink beer too often. Never to drunkenness, of course, but I have some at night and then go to bed. I am ten pounds overweight. I can be better when I try, but I do not try lately. I am content to say my prayers and be a regular person, but not of the world for the most part. I do not watch television ever or movies often or listen to modern music much anymore.

They say the best prayer is prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Since Jesus is truly present, he hears your prayer in the person of the real presence directly, and not just as the God who sees all thoughts and knows all desires everywhere. So the best prayer is before the Blessed Sacrament on the altar. Before the monstrance, but best would be before a monstrance without a glass. Or at the moment of the elevation at Mass when the priest holds up the Body of Our Lord, like the time I was looking and saw the host glow like the sun in Church when I was a new believer and was still filled with the demons of my youth.

I am a sinful man and my heart is the abode of demons. I do not think this is true any more. I think my heart holds God inside of it and the good God expelled the demons. I am sorry for my sins. I went to confession. I am clean now. Perhaps. I do not feel tormented by them any more. I fell last year, but I did not die; I lived to repent. And now I am okay.

So I am trying to stop talking in this way. When I do, even when I say something not bad, I pound my chest, "Mea culpa . . ." I was not always like this. This is something that I started doing about two years ago. Maybe it is because of excitedness or stress or not fasting enough. Or maybe it is the devil's new way of tripping me. I pray more now, but I am talking more now also. I want to be better.

Johannes

It is strange but the character from the motion pictures who I relate to most is Johannes from Dreyer's Ordet. Because I am a schizophrenic hyper-religious Christian who complains to my parents that we should get rid of the television because it is the devil's tabernacle, and nobody listens to me even though they show care for me and show love for me and support me. "He has lost his wits," they say. Though I never studied Schopenhauer.*

And my dad comments on how he wishes me and my brother would go to the demonstrations. I should have told him that the only demonstration that I would be interested in going to would be the march for life, but he makes fun of them (which made me get angry and break things). He laments the fact that I am not a communist and I lament the fact that he is not a Christian. And I noticed the absurdity of him being a promoter of masks and social distancing and that this disease is really serious and not over-hyped;  "a monster" he called it, and that we have to be safe, yet he also is promoting massive gatherings with no precautions in this time of pandemic.

I have yet to raise anyone from the dead, so there is that.

I made Manhattan clam chowder yesterday. The girl said it was the best clam chowder she has ever had and she has had a lot. I followed a recipe I found on the internet and changed it a bit which must have made it better. And I did not use fresh clams, but only the canned ones. I thought it tasted good. So there is that.

*edit. Robert, one of my few faithful readers informed me that I made an error. It was Kierkegaard that Johannes studied which made him go insane, not Schopenhauer. Forgive me for my error as I have never read Kierkegaard and misremembered.

Holy Child Jesus

My local parish is opening slowly. The Church is open now for a few hours every day. And on Saturday, they have Jesus in the monstrance. I went to look at Him. Now I can go more to pray. I am happy. I can't wait for our Mass in the city to start again.

So there are riots around the country. There is some looting in New York. I heard that the mayor has ordered the police to not help and allow the looters to cause destruction, but I do not know if that is really true. So far my neighborhood is safe. It is not a famous part of the city and it is usually peaceful.

The stresses of life. Since the lockdown started life has been good and we are eating dinner together as a family plus the girl. I was never afraid of the illness. But the rioting has me worried. If they came to our neighborhood, what would I do? My father said that from now until Sunday there is a curfew. No leaving the house after 8 PM.

Nothing bad has happened yet, but I worry.

My life is a dream in this time of plague. I have my worries, but nothing bad is happening to me. In the future I will suffer. And in the past I suffered, but now I am happy. I really am happy.