A Bad Omen

 

On my first walk I found a lot of coins scattered around on the street. A dollar and fifty-two cents.

Then I went to Dunkin Donuts to get food for mom and dad. It is across the street from the library. Walking past the library I saw three of the drunkards who sit on the benches by the library. One ugly old woman looked at me like I offended her but said nothing. Then I went to the store.

The woman at the store had a grey left eye. It looked like it was blind and cloudy and permanently facing down. I got a croissant and a boston kreme donut for mom and dad.

Walking back I passed the drunkards and looked in the garden of the library. There is a tree with white blossoms and in and around the tree were dozens of starlings. When I looked at them, the ones on the ground flew away but not the ones in the tree.

Then I walked home. And on the way, I crossed the path of a dead praying mantis. She looked like she was stepped on. A bad omen. Then I walked home.

Stolen Car And Cancer.

 My father had surgery for cancer in his kidney. They removed a third of one of his kidneys.

My brother drove here from Philly to be with us. Someone stole his car. My brother has bad luck. Bad things always happen to him.

Went to Church today. Ed told me Tom is in the hospital.

Just to remember. My own life is grand.

A Gift

 As I left the house there was a pretty group of birds by the street. Sparrows and mourning doves. And as I went out there she was, a beautiful black swallowtail butterfly flopping around among our neighbors' flowers. So pretty. A lovely introduction to the day. It was a sign that the Blessed Mother loves me and us. A gift.

Sparrows

On my second walk today I was nearing Jamaica Avenue on the way home when I looked to my left and saw a huge gathering of sparrows. As I neared them they flew away and landed a few yards from where they first were. Then I cried out "Where are you going sparrows?" They flew away again, several dozen of them. They flew right into the path of a young black man who was walking the other way. Some of the sparrows flew right into him and crashed into him. We were both surprised. He yelled out "What the . . . ?" And I laughed. I had never seen sparrows accidentally flying into a person as a group. Usually the little birds are infallible. It was neat, I thought.

There is a fly in my room. He is crawling on the inside of the window screen. The window is open. Flies are signs of the devil. The evil one may be near.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

Monarch Butterfly

 On my walk today on the fuchsia and orange flowers I saw a huge Monarch butterfly eating. Flopping around from flower to flower, up and about and down. I watched her for a few minutes. She was beautiful as most butterflies are. It is good seeing big butterflies on my walks. Something to remind one of God and heaven. 

My Favorite Butterfly

 

Saw my favorite butterfly again on my walk. She was eating from the flowers in front of the house next to the witch and the pirate who have the best garden in the neighborhood. I really love looking at her calmly eating and flapping around from flower to flower for a minute or two before she flies away. I do love watching butterflies and every time I see one of these it makes me happy.

Baby Carriage

 I saw a swallowtail butterfly eating from the fuchsia flowers. She put he strawlike beak into the flower and took it out, and into the next. This one had the yellow, but not the blue and orange eyes on the wings.  watched her eating for a couple of minutes. Then she flew away.

Walking on I saw my old neighbor Ann Margaret. She said hello and walked past and away. She is older and married with grown up children. When I was a child she used to babysit me.

Walking on I saw a black cat walking past my path. I was not afraid. Also, earlier on the walk there was a young woman pushing a baby carriage, but inside the carriage was a gray cat and not a child.

And there were workers in trucks clearing the trees which fell in the storm from the streets.

Hurricane

So the remnants of a hurricane came through New York today. The strong winds knocked down a branch from our neighbor's tree. The branch fell on our tree and broke a large branch from our tree. The branch from our tree fell on top of and broke the power line. So we have no electricity. It will be fixed sometime. But we have no idea how long we have to wait because many people have lost electricity and there are only so many electric company workers.

Our neighbors' electricity did not go out. They were kind and offered to run an extension cord from their house in to ours so we could have some electricity. My father thanked them graciously. We plugged in the refrigerator and the modem so we have food, phone, and internet now. We bought some battery operated lights for around the house.

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist and she told me that today there was a hurricane coming. I did not know because I do not watch TV. I told her that maybe the big tree in our backyard would fall down and if it did it would land on my room and kill me. And the next day a big branch from the tree did fall down, but not on our house, on the power line and our neighbor's garage.

So luckily we are all okay. But we can't cook and we have no lights except for the battery ones. Everyone is alright.

Brown Scapular Sighting

I went to the bank to deposit money in my mother's bank account. As I opened the door to go in a brown skinned man walked by and his shirt was not buttoned all the way up and I saw that he was wearing a white Rosary around his neck and a Brown Scapular. I Thought that was neat.

On my first walk this morning on the avenue I walked by a gray stray cat. The cat was just sitting there and she let me walk up to her. She was occupied eating grass. I did not know cat's ate grass.

Looking out the window a starling flew from inside our house (they have a nest there, below the gutter) to the electric wire that runs to the pole in the back. The starling pooed out white poop which fell to the ground, and then another bird flew up and started wrestling with the starling. I could not tell what kind of bird this was, I thought maybe a mourning dove. The two birds fell down out of sight and I did not see them again.

Father Pfeiffer is a Bishop now. In Kentucky. If you know who he is. He was just consecrated by a Thuc line Bishop named Webster. I went to his Masses four times. Twice under the SSPX and twice after he left. Now he is in Kentucky as the leader of what many regard as a cult. I believe he is a dogmatic geocenrist, but he opposes the flat earth movement.

As of now, Saturday evening, the moon is almost full. Father drove us to Bay Shore. While parked, I was waiting in the car when I saw a gaggle of crows. They cried out, two fought with each other. On telephone wires and old buildings. Birds of ill omens. Heart Shaped Box.