The Stations of the Cross

So some people are sick. They say there are a lot of people at Elmhurst hospital. My older brother once spent time in the psych ward there. It did not help him. He said there was nothing to do but walk down the hall, turn around, and walk again down the hall. It made him crazier. I never was there. I know Jamaica Hospital better.

Things fall apart. I am saying my daily prayers. My brother and the girl are going out jogging daily. We cook dinner. Last night I made chocolate brownie sundaes. Everyone liked them. Michael said it was a good idea. I am fasting. Trying to juggle my rice and lentils routine with being a good host and cook. Tonight it will be rice and lentils, and I am making other random food, different kinds for different people. A frozen lasagna, two hamburgers. I like my hamburgers better than the one I ate at "Hamburger Heaven" on Lexington Avenue. But they are not special. All one has to do is buy ground beef from the grocery store and add a little salt and don't overcook it. One can add butter for flavor. I am not a vegetarian, though in an ideal world I would be. In an ideal world I would be a vegan and I would be healthy. From what I understand vegans have to take vitamins to make up for some nutrients that are lacking in plant sources which are normally gotten from eating animal products. One can eat eggs to make up for it, and not eat any meat. I guess that is the best way to go. Bread, rice and lentils, and one egg. With salt.

The buses are still running and they free now. But you have to enter in the back door so as to keep the drivers away from people so they don't get ill. I want to take the bus to Glendale on Good Friday. They have a Lourdes Grotto and outdoor Stations of the Cross which I plan on praying if it is not raining. I have my book.

Tonight I am drinking beer with my father. I have more than him. I have two large cans and then to bed. My father is having a 22. It is a precautionary measure to keep up the spirits. I am fine and happy. Even though I do not have many friends and I cannot go to Church. No visitors are allowed at the nursing home so I cannot visit Julian. I will try to talk to him on Tuesday.

My days are routine. Prayer at twelve, three and six. Then night prayer. And my little prayer when I wake and before I go to bed. Then the Rosary which I have been praying while walking. I take two walks, one to 102 st and one to Atlantic Avenue. Sometimes I change routes or take an extra walk. I cannot visit Churches. I look at Catholic websites on my computer and sometimes news. I cook dinner at night and eat. Different things, different nights. I talk to my family. I am uncomfortable around the girl as I do not know her. The centre cannot hold.

So it is not very stressful in this time of pestilence even though I am without the sacraments. I am keeping up and trying to make things a little happier by giving ourselves a little pleasure. Through food or drink. Or taking a hot shower. There are too many people in the house to indulge in a warm bath. My Little Office is getting worn out. I like the contents but it is a paperback and the pages are glued and not sewn. So it looks like it will soon begin to fall apart. I have a different version which is harder to pray and understand but is made better. I may have to start using that one. In this time of pestilence.

I feel alone. Alone with God. I feel at peace with God. So I am happy. But I do not have a lot of godly friends. There are other people from Church. Like Julian. But only a few. Cora and Karen talk to me and we send text messages to each other or talk on the phone sometimes. And angry Tom calls on occasion. They are good people. I think Cora in particular is very pious. She is always praying. She is seventy eight but I used to look at her and marvel at how beautiful she looked even though she was so old.

I wonder if it will get bad and we will have to eat nothing but rice and lentils soon. That would be nice. Maybe there will be a depression and things will never go back to normal. That would be fine with me as long as we don't starve to death and the government does not start torturing us for the pleasure. As the gulag captain said, "I do not just want your work, I want your suffering." So as long as the authorities do not go all sadistic on us and everyone does not start dying, I would be content with poverty.

They say that the good God takes care of the retards and the crazies. For my sake I hope that holds true in my case. So far in my life it has. The good God through my family has always taken care of me since I went crazy twelve years ago. I hope things will continue to go well for me. And if not, I hope I can learn to take care of myself. I wonder if one day I will end up in some kind of institution. I know a woman who lives in such an institution. They help take care of the mentally ill and the patients have a little autonomy. They can leave to go to the store or to Church, but they are there to take care of them when help is needed. If I found myself in such a place I would be happy.

I am looking forward to tonight. My indulgence of a little beer. With my father. I am lucky to have a family. Even though I am the only pious one in the family. I pray for them generally and I wish they would not watch television. I tell them not to and that it is the devil's tabernacle. But they don't listen to me. Oh well. Now it is a little past three. I will leave you now to say my prayers. In this time of pestilence say a prayer to the good God.

The Dead

Everyone is dead. The world is full of skeletons walking. Pestilence is our father. Worms are our sister. Dead bodies enlivened by necromancy.

I like to think of myself as a living creature. The living, the living. I pray for the dead. I hope I am alive. The living, the living. But I am a creature. A creature has a creator. The Office of the dead for a poor dead soul whom I love. One can pray for the living as well as the dead. Poor souls. Among the living as well as among the dead.

There is a famous sermon where a pessimistic sainted priest relates two private revelations where it is claimed that basically only one out of every ten thousand or so people who grow to adulthood are saved. It is something that people talk about on the internet where all everything ever written is kept in digital databases and people share the strangest things. Even I am not so pessimistic. Because these stories come down to us from times when the people were more pious. To think at a time where everyone went to Mass and everyone tithed and they built all those beautiful Churches which I have never visited and never will visit, as I am a creature of New York and will never travel to Europe or South America to see them. But it is frightening. To think that all of those souls who contributed so much to the Church and lived far better lives than we did are damned. Are there no children of God?

But in these times I try to have a heart full of love. I am just a poor creature. Of no account. I am of no account. One day a possibly drunken man came up to me and kissed my hand and said I was a good man. No I was a great man. It was so strange that it seemed like a hallucination. I spoke to him for only a moment and then went away. It was as if I was a noble lord and he was my peasant. Though he was an old man. I should have stayed with him. But that was a few months ago.

Nodoby knows me. Prayer in this time of plague. I am feeling okay. On the day after St. Patrick's day, when Michael arrived with the girl, I was so stressed out that I had to have some beer for the second night in a row. My father was worried so he drank with me to make sure I was alright. Then I finished and went right to bed. I am not an alcoholic, but sometimes, and it is not very common, I get stressed out, and when I do, I like to have beer and it cuts my nerves and helps me sleep, and usually I feel better in the morning. This time I felt better, and now, four days later, I am almost perfect. I still would like to go to confession. I did not fall into a new sin, but I was thinking of something I did a long time ago and felt remorse for it and a pain of soul came upon me. But Mass was cancelled and the Churches are closed. I may call a priest and ask if he could meet me so I could confess. I am young and have no symptoms so it would be no danger to him.

Prepare for death. For when it comes, it comes quickly, and the preparation for death is the only thing that matters in this life.

I am not afraid and my nerves are getting better. I just wish things would go back to normal soon. Pestilence is our father. Worms are our sister. Not that I am afraid. But I would rather be praying before the Blessed Sacrament than alone and I would rather eat heavenly bread than mere human bread, even the finest sourdough from the best bakery.

I may indeed go to the Lourdes Grotto again. But not tomorrow for it is supposed to be raining.

I was reminded of the Japanese director Kenji Mizoguchi and how he made some wonderful movies. If I ever get back into watching movies, I think his should be the first ones I watch. I don't like most movies anymore.

In this time of pestilence perhaps I should listen to more classical music. And maybe some old Church music. I have to go pray for the dead now. I am waiting for the time when there will be nothing to eat but rice. Everyone is dead. Especially here in New York City. The whole city is a mirage. A fantasy like the spirit house in "Ugetsu" and we are really living in ruins and desolation but our soul is tricked into thinking we are in a beautiful mansion. When will this veil be lifted?

The living. The living. Everyone is dead here in New York City. Everyone is dead.

No Churches Open

There are now no Catholic Churches open near me. Nothing during the week and now nothing on Sunday. Mass is cancelled. Starting on one of my favorite weeks of the year, Laetare Sunday. I  will not be seeing Father wearing rose. The Churches are all locked. I was thinking about trying to call a priest and arrange to go to confession. It would be nice to go if we will be without Mass for however long this lasts.

For a while I have had bits from Beethoven's 9th symphony stuck in my head. So now I am listening to it on my computer.

My father showed me a nice little Lourdes Grotto outside of St. Pancras Church in Glendale. We sat there for a while, nearby there was a bird feeder. It was relaxing. They also had stations of the Cross set up outside the Church. I think I may be going there at times on my own to pray. It is too far from my house to walk, but I could take the bus. If I pray there for a while it would be worth the bus fare.

But now with no Churches I will have to pray my prayers in the basement, or perhaps I can walk to the park and kneel down and pray there. I am not afraid of dying of this disease. I just hope we do not run out of money. I hope all of my dear readers are okay. As this is a nationwide scare. And even international.

A Family of Five

We are a family of five for the moment. Michael moved back home from Philly and he brought a girl with him. So now we are five. It is nice to have Michael to talk to anyway. We had dinner as a family last night.

In my diocese first they said that there will be Mass but the obligation to attend was suspended. The next day they cancelled all Masses but said the Churches will be open for private prayer. Today as I was in Church praying the janitor informed us that they were closing the Church. Now in our diocese all Churches are closed. I have yet to learn if our little SSPX Mission will be closed. As of last Sunday it was open, but things change quickly in times of pestilence.

I am not worried about getting sick. I am worried that a lot of people will lose their jobs and become poor and this illness will lead to a depression. I would not mind being poor if there was enough to have a place to live and some food. But other people would not like it if they are not as simple and want nice things. I just hope the government does not get all 1984 on us.

So now I have to say my prayers at home instead of in front of the tabernacle. The girl is in my room, I am in the basement and my brother is in the living room.

So we are a family of five now.

Thirty-Sixth Rose

In 1578 a woman in Anvers had given herself to the devil and had signed the contract with her own blood. Shortly afterwards she was stricken with sincere remorse and had an intense desire to make amends for this terrible deed. So she sought out a kind and wise confessor who advised her to go to Father Henry, one of the Fathers of the Dominican Friary, who was Director of the Rosary Confraternity in that town, to ask him to enroll her in it and hear her confession.

Accordingly she went to ask for him but met, not Father Henry, but the devil disguised as a Dominican Father. The latter scolded her pitilessly and said that she could never hope to receive Almighty God's grace again as long as she lived, and that there was absolutely no way in which she could regain possession of her contract. This grieved her greatly but she did not quite lose hope of God's mercy and sought out Father Henry once more, only to find the devil a second time, and to meet with a second rebuff. She came back for the third time and then at last, by Divine Providence, she found Father Henry in person--the priest whom she had been looking for--and he treated her with very great kindness, urging her to throw herself upon the mercy of Almighty God and to make a good confession. He then received her into the Confraternity and told her to say the Rosary frequently.

One day while Father Henry was saying Mass for her Our Lady forced the devil to give her back the contract which she had signed. In this way she was delivered from the devil by the authority of Mary and by her devotion to the Most Holy Rosary.

Illness

So people are taking this Corona virus seriously. I just hope they do not close the Churches and I get to go to Benediction and to Mass like I usually do. My mother told me to go to the dollar store and buy six rolls of toilet paper. And she bought some anti-bacterial soap. That is the extent of our preparation.

This is the first time in my life where there has been an illness scare that I noticed. They are cancelling public events in many places and even sporting events that would have made billions of dollars such as the NCAA tournament. None of the other scares in my lifetime have caused such cancellations.

So I just hope they don't close the Churches. I could go without Mass for a few months if need be. And I feel OK with God so I do not have an urgent need to go to confession. But I would rather things go on as normal and the routine of my hidden life goes on as it has been going since the end of July.

I got my New Roman Missal in the mail today. Soon it will go on to the book shelf. It is not for use but to have. It is a 1945 Missal. I looked at some of the prayers. The most noticeable prayer change is the Good Friday prayer for the Jews. It has the "perfidis". I already had a 1962 Missal with the modern Holy Week that was prayed for only a few years so I wanted a Missal with the older Holy Week also. The missal seems good, however there seems to be a flaw. There is no real table of contents in the beginning of the book. There is a short one near the end of a book and an Index, but I think a two thousand page book could use a real table of contents. But it seems good and I am happy. It is funny because the reason I chose the Lasance Missal is because in the reviews I read of the Saint Andrew Daily Missal, there was the complaint that there was no table of contents. That helped persuade me to get the Lasance one instead only to be faced with the same problem. But it is a beautiful book.

My therapist told me I had to start spending money now that I get disability. It is not much money, but the way my life is I have been unable so far this year, to spend all of my money in any month, without saving money or giving it away. I spend so little money and my parents do not charge me rent. So lately I have just been giving generously at Church, and or giving money to my family. I have been buying some things on amazon. But my only major expense is going to Church. subway fare, donation, and coffee and food with the people after Mass.

But I am a frugal person. I do not want anything. I am content without buying things. So I will just help out my family.

Tonight the Bishop said the Benediction. He had us pray for protection from the corona virus. I think sometimes that he state of one's soul can be seen by looking at one's face. The bishop looks like a good man. Even though he is Novus Ordo, he has a good look about him. He is from Cuba.

So far nothing strange has happened because of the virus. The supermarkets are not out of food. The pizza store had pizza for us today. Mom went shopping at Michael's and said there was nobody in the store. But the parking lot was full because everyone was going to Trader Joe's. Life is still normal. Except that New York City made it illegal for stores to give you plastic shopping bags. You can get paper bags but you have to pay for them. They cost 5 cents. Which I think is a bargain. I remember years ago people said we should stop using paper bags because they killed trees to make them, so we should only use plastic bags. Now everyone says we should not use plastic bags because they get thrown away and do not decompose so they are bad for the environment. And now they have us using paper bags again, which I prefer anyway and am willing to spend a nickel for. But now we get to use some of those reusable cloth bags we have acquired over the years. I think people should do that as the ideal solution. Things that get used one time and then thrown away are not a good idea.

I am stealing a quote from a book I once read that was on the Index of Forbidden Books '"I did nothing today." --What? Did you not live? That is not only the most fundamental but the most illustrious of your occupations.' It is from Montaigne. Such is my life. I do nothing. But I am happy. I live and am happy. I am not a hero. Robert introduced me to the idea of being an "outsider artist." So I thought to myself, "yes, that is what I would like to be, an outsider, though I am not much of an artist". So I thought of my self, that I am "aspiring to be an unknown outsider." That fits. I am one of those people who thinks the modern world is insane. I mean it is mainstream now and socially approved for a man to cut off his penis and call himself a woman. And if one says, no, he is still a man and not a woman, that person is ostracized and will lose his family, his friends, and his employment. I do wonder about such people, how do they have sex? And if it is somehow possible for them to have sex, could they enjoy it as much as they could if their genitals were not mutilated. I mean I have at times thought what it would be like to be a woman and if perhaps I would be happier, but that was as far as it went.

But I live. That is all I do. I do think one can be an important person without doing much. I live well and am happy. I am a part of a family. I go to Church. I pray. I hope to go to heaven one day. I am not much interested in the world. I hope to have peace and to be able to survive until my death, hopefully of natural causes. But I do not long for money or for riches, beyond basic sustenance. If I were not crazy I would want to be a monk, but I am broken and am too old now so I let it be. I have peace. I am content with life. I do nothing, but I live, and life is what is important. To give one's life to God. Or to give him a tithe, and be grateful for the balance. So be it. So be it.

The Bishop said Benediction tonight. He looks like a good man. As traditionalists we look at the Novus Ordo Bishops and think they are not good, but I like our Bishop, the pastor of my local parish. He has never offended me. There is one Bishop in particular, who I like. Like my Bishop, he is also an auxiliary. The world famous Bishop Athanasius Schneider. He looks like a good man to me. I look at him and think he is kind, and good. He is not a pervert. He is pious and can be trusted. I hope he is a good man and has a good heart and loves God.

I love God. It sounds like pious talk, but I love God. But God is far away. Even in the Incarnate form of Jesus Christ. He is Our Creator and he is perfect and not a sinner. Even Mary, who is a creature, is not a sinner. So she is far away. But the saints who are creatures and who are sinners. They are my friends. My Gemma who I love a lot. I feel my love for her as a girl and as a sinner far more than I feel my love for God. But I love her because of God and I love God in her. So all my love for her is an act of praise for the God who created her. She is not an idol, but a creature beloved of the good God. Pious babbling.

I am always happy lately in my time of peace. The clouds, the birds, the stars, the moon, the sun. Mostly Jesus in the tabernacle. Jesus in the monstrance like today. Friday is almost as good a day as Sunday because I can visit Jesus in the monstrance several times a day and be blessed by him before I go to bed. It is good to look at Jesus.

I do not know if I can communicate my peace and happiness to other people by writing. Perhaps if things went bad I would be bitter. Nobody hurts me so I am happy. If I was handed over to the devil like Job, perhaps then I would scratch my boils and be miserable. I would cry out to God, but I hope I would not curse Him. In my time of despair when the devils tormented me for so long, I did not curse God. I hope I do not curse Him in the future. In this world of pain.

I do not feel as if I have a shepherd other than Jesus. That must be dangerous. I love God, but I do not have a leader who tells me what to think and what to believe. This is a problem in the strange world of traditional Catholicism, where we believe the leaders have lost the faith for the most part and cannot be trusted. I do not worry much. I try to believe in my own way and love.

I think the most important thing is to believe. And then to love. I try to believe and I try to love.

No Therapy

My therapy was cancelled yesterday. So my day was an off Monday. Who can you trust? What if everyone is a devil? What if everyone you see on the street, in this beautiful New York City has sold his soul to the devil?

There are a lot of AA meetings in my area. There are four chapters within a few blocks of my house. There are a lot of alcoholics and former alcoholics. I liked going, and they gave me a book and told me to go in the hospital, but I stopped going because it was too cultish. And then I asked my father if I should go back and he said "no." I have enough religion from Church. At my Church in our little upper rented room, we used to be across the hall from a local AA chapter. And we had a little book for sale that condemned AA as a demonic cult. Then our priest told us to stop selling the book because he thought AA was not bad, or perhaps he did not want to scandalize the alcoholics. There is another man who I met at Church who I learned was a drug addict and an alcoholic who used to go to AA. Everyone has tried to help him, but he is too captured by the demons.

Let you know I believe the demons are very powerful. I think my own problems are caused in large part by the demons. I used to talk about them every week at therapy. It used to be worse when my torments were new. I was in despair. And I prayed, and it got better. In July I had an episode again. I think it was because I did something bad and sinned. At the time I thought I was doing something good, but it was bad and I should have known better. So the demons took me back for a while. But I survived and now I feel better. When I was spazzing out my parents took me to my therapist and my psychiatrist. I do not remember the meeting but my therapist told me I was speaking with an evil voice. Because I think I was possessed by the demons. They make it hard for me to think because I have scars. My problems all started when I decided to start praying. The demons were in me already, but they just lead me on in to sin. And when I started praying and decided to try to stop sinning, the demons manifested themselves and did not want to let go of me. So they tormented me and when I persisted they hurt me. And they made me crazy with my schizo. My crazy goes off and on now. It is usually off, but my mind was broken by the demons and by the struggle, so while I am safe most of the time, my mind is broken. I can no longer think with my mind. To explain it, I cannot see pictures in my mind anymore. And I can not meditate or imagine.

So I have my demons. I feel fine now. And everyone around me has sold their soul to the devil. This whole world is damned.

But God is more powerful than the demons. They are nothing to him. But why is everyone so bad? Why is everyone so ugly?

I had a delusion that everyone was a soul on a string and the devil held the strings and controlled everyone. That everything that everyone did was a work of the devil, and no one had any freedom, they were all souls on a string. Or souls in chains, and nothing that they did was a free act. And I thought what if I was ensnared in such a way, and I fell into despair. Now I seem free. I try to be good. I do not do anything heroic, but I try to be good in a little way. I try not to sin. I like to go pray. And I think pious thoughts. I go to Church to be with Jesus. I look at Our Lady of Guadalupe and pray the Rosary and I have my little devotions. I am not a secret pervert. I used to be unrepentant but now I am sorry for my sins. Am I then still a soul on a string?

Hotel California

The devil was attacking me this morning. As I awoke, the Eagles song Hotel California was in my head and stayed there for a little bit. I thought it must be the devil.

I Am Grateful

I am grateful. I am grateful for my family I have, and who take care of me. They let me live with them without paying rent, though I share my meager stipend with them when there is a need. If I were forced to survive on my own, I fear I would end up in the street. But they let me live with them.

My life is simple. I am crazy and I cannot think straight. I cannot remember things and I am always losing things. So I am useless. I can not work. I get a little disability check because the doctors determined that I was a bad case. It is good because it allows me to go to Church, give a little tithe and go out for coffee after Mass with my friends without begging my parents for money.

This is my life, which I am grateful for. I try to live a silent life. I avoid television and movies and the radio for the most part. I like peace and quiet. I do not usually get bored. I like to go to Church to sit before Jesus. And pray. The Church is a block and a half from my house and Jesus is there so I can go visit Him like a good friend. He looks at me from the tabernacle. I go at least once a day, though ideally I would go three times. Once at noon, once at three, and once at six. I say my prayers. Lately I have been trying to pray from my prayer book. In my free time, I do use the computer I am typing on. I think I use it too much, though I do not do anything bad on it. It is an attachment to the world. On Thursdays in the mid-day I walk to the neighboring Church for Benediction. I always see the grackles on my walk there, south of the avenue. I saw them again today. And at night I make my little holy hour and look at pictures of Gemma crucified. On Fridays they have Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction at my local parish so I go there during the day and at night for the blessing. And Sunday is the best day. Now that Mass is in the evening, I go a little early, and listen to Vespers at the indult parish, before going to our little upper room for our Low Mass. There is music now because of the Lovely Helena. And afterwards we talk of things in the Church and in the world and about our lives.

I have a happy life. But my parents are getting older. They will not live forever. Without them life would be difficult. So I am grateful for the time I have with them. My father hurt his knee this week so I have been helping him. He can barely walk. Today he got a cortisone shot and an x-ray. I am happier than I have ever been, since the last time I got out of the hospital in late July. Though I am also alone. My parents do not go to Church with me. They must think I am strange going to Church all the time. And I have no girlfriend or wife. But I do not feel lonely on this account like I used to. I can not explain why. Like when I was a child, I do not need a woman in my life to be happy. The need for a woman is a sign of a fall. It is better to be happy alone, than to have your happiness rely on the whims of a woman. To be able to be happy alone, but still have a woman, is another state. I have never been in that state. I do not worry about it, though, because of my condition it is unlikely to ever happen. I am like a nice young man with down syndrome. Crippled, alone, but happy. I wish I were as innocent as they are.

I imagine I would be happier with a girlfriend or a wife, but I do not grieve it. I still love women and am entranced when I see them walking around, if they are beautiful, or modest. But immodesty is ugly to me and makes me happy I am alone rather than with such a woman. The women at Church dress nicely and decently so it is good to see them, even though I feel like they are above me because of my condition.

I am grateful for God because I am happy. I feel like he is taking care of me. And I feel he has forgiven me for the sins of my youth. So many sins. It was difficult and painful but I feel the suffering had a purpose. But now I have peace. Trouble may come again, but now is a happy time for me. I feel as if I have grace. I have joy. I want to sing and I do to myself when I go out walking.

I do not have a wife, but I have a heavenly mother and the saints, including my favorite, my poor poor Gemma. If I go to heaven one day I will be one of her friends there. They keep me company and are good friends to me when I am alone. I have my Church friends and Julian who I visit and get Father to visit with the Blessed Sacrament.

So my life is happy. For now. As long as my parents are able to help me. It would be good if I die before they do. I am not afraid of death. If I was right with God I would be happy to die. Get this mortal life done with so the real life can begin. But then I may be damned. I fear that less now than I used to. So I am very grateful.

Sedevacantism

There is a small number of Catholics who are called sedevacantists. My best friend Julian is among them and so is angry Tom. If you do not know who they are, they are a small group of people who are scandalized by what the last few Popes have done and have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for a true Pope to do what they have done, so therefore they are not Popes somehow. They reject the papacies of all the popes after Pope Pius XII and believe that there has been no Pope since his death in 1958. I used to be very sympathetic to their cause, but now, not so much. I have come to think many of them are pious fools, many are scientistical heathens, some of them are perverts, and many of them are schismatics. I truly believe my friend Julian is a good Catholic, but some others, not so much. I do not trust the priests among them. They look at the church and are scandalized and say, this cannot be the Church, so they leave and start their own Church. Sometimes among them there are sex scandals, but this is not unique to them. They are independent so there is no oversight. The first large organization of sedevacantists was founded by a layman who got himself ordained by a schismatic Bishop and started a sect who turned out to become a drug addict and a pederast. Some claim he eventually started wearing white and declared himself the true pope. He is dead now. His followers kicked him out and claim to be clean now. But with such beginnings. Can a rotten acorn produce a healthy oak tree? Well our souls are conceived in sin yet with God's grace we can become saints. It is similar to the Legionnaires of Christ who are among the mainstream Church, but sedevacantists claim to be the pure true Church which if they were correct should be immune to such scandals if they were blessed by God? The faithful remnant.

Is everyone a slave to sexual sin? Does everyone else other than me have sexual fantasies and watch porn and commit such acts of impurity in act, even people claiming to be pious Catholics? I do think the world is wicked and enslaved to lust, but when I see people I think they are good and chaste, especially people who claim to be religious. Perhaps it is because I went crazy, but I do not suffer from such problems. Like when I was a child before such perversions were introduced to me, so I am now. I have no interest in them. I do not think of such things and the idea of them does not please me. Maybe a kiss from a devout wife but I am really a prude if such a word fits and does not imply deviancy. I used to commit such sins as a young man, but when I converted I had to give such things up and I did and it was hard at first, but now I am clean. Perhaps because of my mental illness, but I think it is because of God's grace and the help of His Mother and the Saints.

I am thinking often about the idea that sin scars the body as well as the soul. the thought that the reason little children are more beautiful than older people is not because they are smaller, but because they are more innocent. And when people get older they become ugly because of their sins which perverts the body as well as the soul. Over time a sinful person starts to look vile and repulsive, even if they were born beautiful, and a holy man starts to look beautiful even if they were born ugly. They have a glow about them and look like the angels in Fra Angelica's paintings. That is my theory as to why most women are ugly without makeup after their short spring of youth, even before they take up the stress of motherhood and raising children. I imagine as the world gets more and more wicked, the faces of people will get more and more ugly, until even the children will look like little devils, even the little ones, because now they are getting corrupted even in their youth. I know me myself was not corrupted until probably the sixth grade, and especially middle school. From communion with the other children who were advancing into puberty, and from watching television and going to school, with things like sex ed, which was tame back then, they did not even speak of sodomy. And seeing pornography around the house. But is this dangerous to think? Probably. How can one know by looks alone? One can be easily mistaken. It is just a thought. But some people just look holier than other people. I think of my Gemma and the Little Flower who looked like angels, but they were young, and Pope Pius X who looked like a saint even as an old man on his deathbed. Can you really see grace in the faces of God's holy men, and can one really see sin in the faces of the wicked? Is it possible for one to be like Christina the Astonishing who could see and smell sin and would flee from it, even to the point of flying away like a bird into the fresh air?

I don't know but I do not think most people are beautiful. Everyone is ugly. I do not think I look ugly myself, for some reason when I see my own face in the mirror I think I look good, even though I am middle aged now. But so many other people just look ugly to me. It is a strange delusion, similar to my first attack when I thought I could see sin in the faces of the people who came in to get coffee and I freaked out. But anyway I do not like make up. Hiding behind a glaze. Can one really be called a lover if one hides from them behind a mask?

Perhaps I am getting ill again, thinking such things. Who knows what is real and how the world works. Who can one trust? Is there a Padre Pio alive today who can read souls? There should be one among the traditional Catholics, should there not? But there is only Archbishop Lefebvre and he is long since dead. He is also among those who I believe looked holy so I consider it possible knowing about his life that he was a good man and not the leader of a schismatic false revolution.

So I am no longer sympathetic to sedevacantism. I believe Francis is the real Pope, but I believe he is a bad one. Things fall apart. There are others who believe that Pope Benedict who is retired and living in the Vatican is still the Pope even though he denies it and resigned seven years ago. Most prominent among those is Ann Barnhardt. I hold the sedevacantists in higher regard than the Benevacantists as they are jokingly called.

And in my judgment of people's looks, I am sad to say that a prominent Bishop who is in the news looks like an evil man to me. He just looks wicked, even though he is supposed to be the good guy. One can not judge by looks, and I hope he is an angel. But it is just a strange delusion I have, or perhaps a gift. When I look at his face I think badly of him. I was in the court house with my Father who is a lawyer and I was looking at all the people there and I thought all of them were ugly, except for one woman, who looked like a normal person, but not beautiful.

Animals are more beautiful than people. But not all animals, but the ones I normally see. People have the potential to be more beautiful than animals unless they are defiled by grievous sins. But in the fallen world we live in today, it is better to look at the animals. The animals, the moon, the clouds, the sun, the stars. And then the ugly people. In a world so devastatingly beautiful, us people are an ugly pox, not because of our nature, but because of our sin. The sin that cries out to heaven for vengeance. Because of our sin.

So I am feeling delusional lately, thinking such things.

Three Hail Marys

Of all of the prayers I pray, there is one devotion that seems to me to be more powerful than all the others. It is not praying the Rosary, but a little devotion.

I remember one day when I was new at Church, a man named Andre, who moved away years ago, gave me a little prayer card. On the front it had a black and white picture of Our Lady of Perpetual Help with bejeweled crowns of gold on the heads of the Baby Jesus and Mother Mary.

And on the back it described a devotion.

Every morning you should pray three Hail Marys as soon as you rise from bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this day from mortal sin."

Every evening you should pray three Hail Marys right before you retire to go to bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the similar prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this night from mortal sin."

Like with many devotions, this prayer card came with a promise of salvation for those who faithfully recite the prayers every morning and every night until death, or perhaps, senility.

I think this is a powerful prayer because I used to be tempted with sins of impurity like many young men, but when I took up this devotion these temptations went away and I had peace ever after. I am like a quiet man on an island who grows enough food to survive, has a clean source of water, and good friends who come once a month to give me all I need to survive. I have a peaceful happy life.

But I was thinking about this powerful devotion because there is a man who I was talking to after Church. He told me he suffered from temptations against purity and sometimes fell into sin. Namely, he spoke of pornography. This is a difficult sin. I remember when I first tried to give up sins of impurity the devils had their claws in me and tempted me terribly. It was far more difficult than quitting cigarettes, which was hard, or cutting down on drinking beer, which was relatively easy. There was even one time where I felt my body compelled to commit an act of impurity against my will as if the devils were controlling my body but, my will resisted and I did not consent. They say there are monks who left the world and even after decades of fasting in the desert, they were still tempted by fornication. I am fortunate that I no longer suffer from such temptations and I hope they do not return. I think this devotion the the Blessed Virgin Mary is the reason.

But I will write down this devotion on a little card and give it to my friend and tell him that it helped me avoid the temptations he is struggling with. I hope it helps him too. He must trust me because he told me about such an embarrassing sin.