Wednesday, April 29, 2020

Silly Thoughts

Her biography says that she rarely bathed and never used soap but always had a nice fragrance coming from her body. A thought that everything bad that comes from us is not because of nature but because of sin. If one has a strong body odor it is because one is a sinner. The reason teenagers have a lot of acne is because at that time the youth are introduced into the world of sexual sins after their innocent childhood. How far does it go?

There is a man who is a hermit who worships at the shrine of St. Francis in Assissi. He went to Mass often and received the sacraments and by all accounts he was a good holy man. He was old but looked good and had smooth skin. Reading about him, someone commented on how young he looked even though he was in his late seventies and the response was that right worship does marvels for the body and the immune system. I look at pictures of the Little Flower while in her convent, in her youth, before her fatal illness, and she looked like a beautiful young marshmallow. She looked so pure. And so do people who are good.

I think of the animals and how when they go poop they do not need toilet paper but it comes out clean. It should be the same for good people. Only sin leads to uncleanness and rottenness. A pure man would not have pimples, because a spoiled face is a punishment for sin. He should always look pure and clean unless the Lord has chosen him for chastisements like holy Job.

But I am being silly. None of this is true, just ridiculous thoughts I am having because I am crazy.

For what it's worth. But humans are such sinful creatures, would that we are pure and beautiful as the paintings of Fra Angelica and worthy of the grace of God, a grace which we all need and some of us desire. I was looking at pictures. People are so ugly. Devils or statues. People have no soul in their eyes. Their eyes are black holes.

But I am a proud man. I think highly of myself. I think I am a nice man and that God is somewhat happy with me and that I have grace and the Holy Spirit is living in my soul. I wish I could go to Church more. My skin is nice and soft. I have peace and am happy with the world. I look at pictures. Of her, who I love.

On Monday my therapist will be calling and I hope my friend Julian calls me and maybe some of my other friends. I do not know a lot of people. I know God. I know Him. And He is above all people. I have her. I love her and pray for her but I am nothing to her. But I love her.

In eternity all the bad in this world will be made up for, if you are numbered among the lambs. I am not afraid of death, I told my brother today. But the world is terrifying. I think of her a lot. And my Gemma. There is a lull in my days between 4 PM and 6 PM where I have nothing to do. The rest of my day is good and pure. My pandemic routine.

My brother wants me to become a stock investor. I could study and learn how to invest and become rich off of my tiny disability checks. For what it's worth. I love her but am nothing to her. But I love Gemma and I know she loves me. All the love I have for her is paid back a thousand times. My sweet love.

Like I said before, I am happy with my investment in a selection of holy cards of Gemma with third class relics in them. The pictures are pretty, because her soul was pure and pure souls are beautiful to look at. She was a little angel. I do not know anyone alive who was like her but the thought of her makes me happy. I hope to one day meet her in heaven. I believe in heaven. Life is nothing. I want to die soon.

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Everything Is An Illusion

Just thinking that everything is an illusion. A phantasm of the demons. The houses, cars, buildings, schools, all an illusion. Even the people, some of them are dead, some of them are demons, and some of them are real people. I think the animals are real, and the flowers and the birds. They are so beautiful. And one day we awake and find that there is nothing but God and the angels and the souls of men created by him, beautiful beyond compare, but the world is dust and ashes peopled by demons and by ghosts. Like the man in the hospital who would not eat because he thought all the food was insects and he did not want to eat insects. Nothing but ensure.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Holy Innocents

For the first time since this lock-down began I was able to go to a Church to pray. The Churches in the diocese of Brooklyn are all locked. Some in Manhattan are open, but they have no public services. My father offered to drive me and my mother to Holy Innocents. They are open and they had Eucharistic Adoration.

So we visited Jesus. I said my prayers and looked at Him. And He looked at me. I sat quietly for about an hour and forty five minutes. I started by praying the Rosary slowly and quietly, then some hours and the stations and my prayers for someone special to me. I prefer sitting before Jesus in the monstrance even to Mass. It was a good prayer time. Happy day.

My SSPX chapel is not having Mass either. So no Mass for me. I couldn't even go to a Novus Ordo Mass if I wanted to. I hope to visit Jesus again sometime soon. Back to normal when they have Him sitting in the monstrance two days a week plus Sunday.

So I am glad that Father drove me. He doesn't like the old religion like I do. He speaks of how when he was in high school during Vatican II, the brothers would tell him, all that the nuns taught to you as a child forget about all that. He did not forget, but he stopped believing. He sometimes brags about the Church history and theology he knows. But in my thirty eight years as his son he never taught me any of it, other than referencing something to ridicule it or point out perceived hypocrisy. He does not like the new religion either. But he does not want people to believe in the old religion.

He likes looking at old Churches and taking pictures of stained glass windows because they are beautiful. My father is not too bad of a guy. He is moral for a regular person and works to help support our family. He takes care of us which means a lot. But he is not pious or respectful.

I am a strange person though.

Saturday, April 25, 2020

Weakness

So there is some sort of controversy. Michael Voris's outfit have accused the SSPX of sexual improprieties. I hope the SSPX priests are innocent.

But about weakness. I can imagine for many priests life is difficult when one is celibate. I am celibate so I understand. I have no wife and am alone. For me it is very easy. I can't explain why other than I started praying for graces after my conversion and the temptations went away, and I got older. But it is easy. But I understand for many men it is difficult. Looking at a young woman, it is natural to desire being with her. And for a priest that is forbidden. They say at times in the past, many priests had concubines. I am forgiving of affairs with women. Men are weak especially when they are stressed or lonely.

But homosexuality is another matter. Especially with young boys. I was never a homosexual. It is baffling to me. I imagine the condition exists because the devil tells men to do such things and influences them, knowing that it would be displeasing to the good God.

But with women it is understandable to me as a natural desire.

I like girls. Some of them are beautiful. The good ones. And even some of the bad ones look nice even though you can see the sin in their eyes. The sin in their eyes.

P.S. I think Voris is a joke. The more you know. But I also think all the trad for profit industries are a joke. And the "grifters" are a joke. Evangelization for $9.99 a month! Join our Patreon! I have more respect for the pornographers. Well maybe that is a bit much.

Wednesday, April 22, 2020

So My Life Is Happy Now . . .

So My Life Is Happy Now. I am being bad today. I am having some beer. For the quarantine, to relieve stress I am indulging in alcohol once or twice a week. It is a preventative measure. I have been happy. You know how my life has been. I have my prayers and my walks and dinner and then to bed. I give a tithe of my time to the good God. Since I got out of the hospital in late July I have been pious for me. And very happy. I am happy for my family. But life is frightening. I worry that the devil has got me. That my soul is lost because of my sins. That I have no hope. But they say to "Never despair of God's Mercy." Witchcraft. But I never signed anything in my blood. Mrs. Greenblood was her name.

I was in the car with my father and "Like a Rolling Stone" was playing and when he squealed out "As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes And say do you want to make a deal" and I thought that was Dylan singing about how he sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune and I wondered if my fate was the same as Dylan's. I do believe that most people who are famous have made deals with the devil. That is the price you pay to make it big. Even to make it little. I have made nothing. My life is very simple for American standards, though it is above the level of the homeless man. I have no resources, but no desires. So for all it is I am content. Mrs. Greenblood. Even the homeless man can look up at the sky, listen to the songbirds, and watch the seagulls, and the bees and the butterflies are coming soon. Such beauty is given to all, even in the big city. Acetylene. To cast oneself into the sea to drown at twelve noon on one's thirty-third birthday.

I can understand suicide. If one thinks one is damned and cannot stop sinning. If one is in despair, then suicide will end the length of ones' sins. So that if one ends it the eternal suffering will be less than if one lived a full length of days and continued to sin. But to face that eternity. Even if it would be better to end it than to live. A few years of alcoholism seem better than facing hell just right now even if overall the suffering would be far less.

There must be a lot of people in despair. I wonder. I fear I am among them, but I like piety and thinking about God. Is that all a ruse? Am I among the damned as well? As I feared when listening to Dylan's song? I have little attachment to sin. I do not lust. I could give up the little pleasure of a bit of beer if I had to and I do not drink to drunkenness. I am content. If I do go to hell, I want to love God a little now before I am damned and have a little happiness in my piety for a while. I have no doubts, thought I wrote about doubts in my stories. Everything is real and Jesus lives. Angels and demons. And those who have made a deal. But one can repent. I guess a lot of people believe but hate God so much that they do not want to repent. They would rather be with the devil and suffer than love God in heaven and be happy. The witches. Am I a witch then? My brother once said to his friend "we ruled the world". I don't want to rule the world. I only want to be one of Gemma's thousand friends in heaven. And perhaps know the good God. I cannot imagine that. I can imagine being friends with a beautiful girl.

The most beautiful living girl alive who I know is the beautiful Cecilia. I speak about how most people who I see look ugly as sin, but Cecilia looks beautiful as innocence. Remember how my delusion and the first thing that came to me as part of my craziness was the thought that I could see people's sin and that everyone was a horrible sinner. I hope she finds a good husband and lives a happy life and goes to heaven when she dies. And then there is the lovely Helena who plays the organ. I miss going to Church. It has been a month or so. I told Terry about my little devotion. The one I pray for me and my two friends who I love. The Hail Marys. Just a short post. God Bless You. I may purchase an Icon of St. Mary of Egypt to pray before. She is an important saint to me. Babylon.

Saturday, April 18, 2020

Bleeding From The Next

The days are bleeding from one to the next. The girl is still here. And my brother.

I really miss going to Church. I want to go to Holy Innocents for Eucharistic Adoration and prayer but mom and dad don't want me going on to the subway.

I pray at home in my basement, my old and current bedroom. I do not have my Mother of Sorrows by El Greco or my Florentine Crucifix with the Apostles. Now the girl has them. I wonder if she ever looks at them. They are blessed. The Crucifix by my SSPX priest and the Blessed Mother by the local Bishop. When I gave it to him to bless he said "El Greco."

I try to pray a lot. Usually kneeling, sometimes sitting. Sometimes speaking out loud, sometimes mouthing the words. When I wake up, at noon, at three, at six, at night, before bed. On my first walk. The Little Office, the Rosary, short morning and night prayers and the Office of the Dead for an old friend. It is good. I probably pray for a little while and then live.

I have little to do other than my prayers. I go to stores when we need food. I go on my walks. I read a few Catholic websites and look at Instagram. While I pray I often look at pictures of Gemma. I do not have many friends. Some of my Church friends send me text messages or call me on the phone.

I am happy with my life, but I worry about the world's salvation. I like to pray but nobody prays with me. I hope I have peace until I die, hopefully soon, or if not soon, I hope to have peace until the time comes. I am content.

Since the corona virus descended upon us I have been drinking beer. Once or twice a week. I do not think it is a sin because I do not drink too much. But it calms my nerves. I am a weak sinner. Even the monks drank wine under saint Benedict.

One thing I often think about is my strange delusion. The delusion of seeing sin in peoples' faces. That sinfulness can be discerned by looking at people. I cannot judge it. But it haunts me. Probably it is not true, but just most people are ugly. Who knows. I think I look good but who am I to judge. Maybe just most people look like devils. But to think of it. Why do most animals look beautiful, at all times and conditions, but most people look ugly? Why else, except that only humans can sin, and most humans are wicked, the fewness of the saved. We are created by the same God as animals. I have never seen an ugly mourning dove but most of the humans I see are ugly other than innocent children. But then one can think of the ugly animals, like water bugs and cockroaches, as not all animals are beautiful.

Someone was complaining about the lack of charity of supposed Catholics. I know, we argue and complain like sinners. What am I to do? I hope I am not uncharitable, but for sure, I probably am. I try to be good and justified, but the fault is mine, is mine, is mine.

I say often, "Mea Culpa, Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa" though I wonder if everyone is trying to catch me in a snare. To say to me "Aha! Aha! You are a hypocrite! Aha!"

To think of things. Often I think everyone has sold his soul to the devil, who is not actively trying to be good. In their hearts, if not in their heads. Either me or the devil or God, and mostly me or the devil.

I really like my little prayer cards with pictures of Gemma. The best purchase I have made, even better than my Little Office. I can look at them and see my beautiful girl and the mark of the Crucifixion forever and ever.

I do want to be an honest man. But how can I abide in this world? In this world?

I do not hate myself, for God made me. I hate my sins, but I have been trying to be good for a while. I know my try is not good enough. But I am not despairing. My try. I hope to give my God my tithe and hope it is enough on the last day, when the good God judges the world by fire, the world by fire.

Monday, April 13, 2020

Sunday, April 12, 2020

Bird Man

Just a little note I wanted to remember. For the second time I saw the bird man on my walk. He runs down Atlantic Avenue in the middle of the street and he has a pet bird. The pet bird flies with him, sometimes ahead, sometimes behind, and from side to side. And then the bird comes back to the master and lands in his hand. Bird man. I thought that was like God with his children. On Easter. I saw the bird man for the second time. Happy Easter.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Gemma's Feast Day


I was just reminded that it is Gemma's feast day today. I don't think she is important enough to have her own Mass, but today is her day.

Friday, April 10, 2020

Hey, Ho, The Wind And The Rain (And The Snow)

My father drove my mother and I to a local Church where they have the Stations of the Cross outside for people to pray. We got there a little after three. We were alone. I prayed with my mother, my father wandered around. We prayed the Stations from the Angelus Press Missal, which I think are really nice, my favorite of the ones I own. At St. Benny's they actually have a modern Stations written by Pope John Paul II which I thought were really good, but I do not have that one at home. It was cold and very windy. The wind blew my book around and made it hard to keep the page. Then halfway through it started snowing and I tried to cover the book to keep it from getting ruined. The snow let up after a few stations. Then it was over and we went to sit at the Lourdes Grotto for a few minutes. A pious woman put a holy card of the Little Flower on the wall of the grotto.

I thought there might be people praying at the stations for Good Friday at three O'clock, but there were none. There were two people on the grounds but they left soon after we got there.

I would do it again. I think that Holy Innocents is opening up again on Wednesday with Jesus in the monstrance, so I think I will go there on Friday. Hopefully they will have Benediction.

Michael and the girl have been here since March 18th. Over three weeks. We still get along. I don't talk to the girl much. She says "thank you" a lot. She is French and English is a second language to her. She teaches Americans French for a living.

Aurora is still living and eating fish flakes twice a day.

Just wanted to say again that I do not trust sedevacantist priests. Though I have some friends who are laymen who I like and hope are not schismatic. Angry Tom and Julian and also Ben and Nick.

So we prayed today for Good Friday. I did not have pizza tonight. I had fish sticks and french fries. Adieu.




Christ Before Pilate


Thursday, April 9, 2020

An "Uncharitable" Comment About Taylor Marshall's Appearance


Taylor Marshall is a relatively new traditional Catholic celebrity. He makes a living off of us traditional Catholics. While we slave away at Starbucks or live in obscurity off of disability or are hopelessly in debt because of student loans acquired while studying at a Thomistic traditional Catholic Liberal Arts College and are unable to marry and raise a large family, he makes a comfortable living off of selling books to us. He has the large non-contraceptive using family that we can only dream of, off of our backs. He is the nobleman. We are the peasants. (Well he is really bourgeoisie and not of the nobility). I am not envious of the man, but he is fortunate while we are less so (materially at least). I do not have a whole post in mind, but I just wanted to say that he looks like a gremlin to me. That is in no way to judge his character as looks of the body do not necessarily reveal the soul, and he could be a saint and I do not want this post to be seen as a judgment of character. But looks alone, which are not important. But when I look at him I just think that he looks funny.

As a reference, Bishop Athanasius Schneider who has done interviews with TM and is friendly with him looks like a saint to me. Looks are not important.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

On Traditional Catholicism

I would consider myself to be a traditional Catholic. I have been in those circles since at first, 2008, when I started praying the Rosary and somehow found out about such things on the internet. The first time I went to an SSPX Mass was in 2008 or 2009. I went for a couple of months. Then I had my vision at Mass which instilled in me the fear of God. At the same time of my conversion I started to go crazy. After that I went to the Novus Ordo for about a year, afraid to go back to the Mass where I had my vision. And then in 2010, I believe the week after Easter, but my memory is horrible, I went back again. And I have been going there since.

My thoughts have changed over time. For a long time I was on the right of the traditional wagon, almost being a sedevacantist if you know what that means. I used to think that the Novus Ordo Church did not have true sacraments, as the changes invalidated them. And that only among tradition and in the Eastern Rites that did not change were the sacraments to be found (other than baptism and matrimony). Even among the sedevacantists there are degrees. The most interesting  ones are the home-aloners. They think that the Novus Ordo is not valid, but that also the traditional priests are not licit either as they are wolves and not shepherds and that the only way to serve God is to not go to Mass, stay home alone and pray the Rosary and read Holy Books. Now I am still a traditional Catholic, but a more moderate one. I now accept the Novus Ordo sacraments as valid, for the most part. But I still go to my SSPX Latin Mass as I think it is better than the Novus Ordo Mass which I do not like, but accept as valid. I guess what it comes down to is if 99.9 percent of the Church could have no Jesus, what kind of a Church is that? Or if the sedevacantists are right, the Church is a few thousand laymen and men with stolen orders who excommunicate themselves. I sometimes wonder if the reason some public sedevacantists are liberals on the dogma "Outside of the Catholic Church There is No Salvation" is because in their hearts they know that if they are correct the sedevacantist sect they belong to alone is the true Church, and not even all sedevacantists, the sect of maybe ten thousand people, and everyone else is going to hell. So not willing to accept the belief that only one in a million men are saved (not counting the baptized infants who die) they deny the dogma as being too harsh. So now I consider the sedes to be schismatic for the most part, though no doubt many of them are honest and not guilty of the sin of schism. And I do not trust the priests, but I should not say bad things about them individually (though I have said bad things about Father Cekada in the past).

So I attend an SSPX chapel which is a moderate traditional Catholic position. There is a group mis-named "the resistance" which split off from the SSPX about eight years ago, but has not grown and is very small and considers the regular SSPX to have sold out. I am sympathetic to them, and I like their Bishop, Williamson enough, but I say to them, the Novus Ordo has to be at least in part the Catholic Church, and if it is, and you accept the papacy of Francis, you should have some kind of relationship with them. If he says, "no, you can not say the Latin Mass", then I see reason to disobey, but one cannot be a sedevacantist in all but name, while claiming to be against them.

So I am a liberal now. But I am all alone by myself now. I used to never attend the Novus Ordo Mass or even the "indult" which is what we call the Latin Masses officially under the diocese. But now I will attend the "indult" if there is no other Mass available. And once in a blue moon I will even attend the Novus Ordo, but only to avoid scandal. Such as if there is no Mass available while I am traveling and it is either attend the Novus Ordo with my family or go to no Mass at all. In such cases I just sit there and pray silently. But I like going to the Novus Ordo Churches when there is no Mass going on to sit in front of the tabernacle and be with Jesus. And even in the Novus Ordo, I like going to Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction is nice. So I am now a moderate traditional Catholic. I hope that there are many Catholics among the Novus Ordo worshipers, though I know that a lot of them don't really believe. I hope there are good people among the worshipers there who believe the sex is for marriage and marriage is for life and Jesus is present in the Eucharist and that Adam and Eve were real people.

But recently for the first time I received the Blessed Sacrament at an "indult" Mass as a sign that I thought Jesus was there and of my new liberal stance.

Karen wants to go with me to Connecticut for Mass during this crisis as the closest SSPX Mass that is open. I may go. But Karen does not approve of going into Novus Ordo Churches. There are devils there, she says. So I don't tell her I go there to pray. I am alone. But it would be nice to go to Church again. It has only been a few weeks but it seems like months. I should go to confession to confess an old sin that I was thinking about which caused me nerves a few weeks ago. So be it.

Monday, April 6, 2020

Mectilde


There is a monastery and one of the Fathers there has a blog which I read. The blog is called Vultus Christi, meaning the face of Christ. I have been reading it for about ten years. He has a devotion to a nun who died several centuries ago on this date named Mectilde de Bar. She was a Benedictine who was devoted to the Blessed Sacrament, which makes sense because this monastery is one where the monks spend a lot of time before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.

When I first discovered this blog I would read it and sometimes it would make me cry real tears, thinking about holy things. They say the old Mass and chant the old office, but they are not SSPX or sedevacantist. I don't know much about all their ideas, just that they seem pious.

Everyone should have a favorite saint. There is Jesus, then the Blessed Mother, and then whoever you like. Some say Saint Joseph should be next. Others say Saint John the Baptist. Others have personal saints who they are devoted to.

Michael is home with the girl. They like to cook things. Michael scolded me for not having enough important things to do because I like to eat dinner early in the day, as if I have nothing to do but eat dinner. I did not respond. I am happy with my life. It is not a hard life. I have my little prayers and my walks and my prayers. I do not have much work except for running errands and cooking dinner. I like Michael but we see things differently. I do not think he prays much. Even if I end up going to hell because of my sins, I like to say my prayers and love the saints and Mary and God. Everything is a blessing and I am happy with my simple life.

My father wants us to watch a movie together as a family so I picked Sansho the Bailiff. If my brother can connect his computer to the television successfully we will watch it. I watched it once over a decade ago. It was a worthy movie, I remember, but I forget most of it, so it will be nice to watch it again and rediscover it. I think my brother will like it.

Just to record my thoughts on this night of the Monday of Holy Week. Now I should say my prayers and go to bed.

Sunday, April 5, 2020

The Iron Crown of Lombardy


This is lovely holy card. I do think so. I have my trinkets and my pictures. I like looking at them. She is my favorite saint, you know. My sweet love. She is a friend. I Hope to meet her one day. I am always talking to her. She has never visited me in a vision or a dream. But once I had a dream about her. I spoke to her in a dream, but I did not see her. When I remember, at night before I go to bed I pray to her and one of my prayers is to ask her to visit me in my dreams and for me to remember her. The prayer has not yet been answered.


This is another holy card I love. I printed out ten copies and distributed them to my brother and my friends at Church. And I put one on the wall of my bedroom. Which one do you think is more beautiful? Gemma was the most beautiful girl who ever lived other than the Blessed Mother. Even if you do not agree, it is true to me.


The Iron Crown of Lombardy. The legend is that it is made in part from one of the nails used in the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ.

I am so happy to have all my holy cards of Gemma. They are among my precious relics (and eight of them contain third class relics of my dear one, third class relics being things that have been touched to first class relics, so they are like a holy contagion). I have my crucifix and my sorrowful mother, which are in the girl's room now. And I have my pictures of Gemma. They are better than the Bible. And I have my Rosaries. And I have my missals and my holy books.

I do miss going to Church for the Latin Mass. And talking to my friends after Mass. And going to Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction at the local Catholic parishes. I am an odd person. I don't know anyone who is like me in their beliefs and practices. But I have friends who are similar, but not the same. Nobody would approve of me, but I try to do what is right.

I am listening to a podcast of sorts with Charles Coulombe on Sensus Fidelium. He asked how come Churches are not essential, but abortions are essential? He said other things also. I like him a bit. I don't really agree with anyone, including him, but he is from LA. I guess. I used to watch his Tumblar House Off the Menu talks, but I got disillusioned with him after a while. The general tendency to think that anyone who has any relevance in the world is compromised. The thought that to become famous you have to be a hypocrite. They say modern man has little tolerance for hypocrisy. I don't know. Judge not, but judge justly. I love you, Gemma, please pray for me. All I want is to be with you forever.

Nodody loves me. I hope Gemma loves me. I hope God loves me. They always say He loves everyone, but He hated Esau. Maybe I am another Esau. Maybe my family loves me. I don't know. They don't understand me. How I want to go to Church sometimes and sometimes drink beer. I don't know. 

I wonder if aurora loves me. Does she know who I am? Does she see me through the glass when I feed her? I am fond of aurora, perhaps I even love her. I love you aurora. I am watching her swim around the tank and do what I think she loves to do more than anything else, other than eating, because she is often doing it, picking up the green gravel into her mouth and spitting it out. I do not know why she does this. Perhaps there is some algae growing on the gravel that she eats or something.


I just changed the filter for the fish tank. It was the last one. So now I will have to buy more. I have to decide if I will buy it online or go to the pet store. I heard amazon is shipping non-essential items slowly, but there are lines to get into the pet store.

Let it be known, I don't trust Michael Voris. Have a good day.

I went to the Spanish bakery this morning and bought two egg rolls. One for me and one for my mother. I wore a mask and gloves. I toasted the roll and put butter and apricot preserves on it. It was lovely. A little worldly happiness this morning.


Saturday, April 4, 2020

Into The Sea


Walking on eggshells. I feel strange around the house with everyone. Today was the feast of the seven sorrows. I was reminded of it by a girl. I prayed the Te Deum today.

Thinking of the world, it is the calm before the storm. It is still pleasant. Our family of five still has money and are not angry at each other yet. My brother has bad luck. Really bad luck. Everything is going wrong with him. And I say this as the rest of the family, including myself, has been lucky for a long time. But he has bad luck. Everything is breaking and going bad, without saying what are his problems.

Not watching television, I do not know what is going wrong in the world. Strangely enough, my interactions with the world are limited to reading Cathinfo and Suscipe Domine and following a few Catholic accounts on twitter. So I don't know much. I hear that some people are getting 1200 dollars from the government. I am not sure if I am included. I would just give it to mom and dad or my brother.

I have a little fish named aurora. She is a goldfish. Every morning I turn on the light and feed her. And every evening I feed her and turn off the light. I have had her for eight months. If she has grown, it is not by much. I have her in a ten gallon tank. They said that a goldfish can grow as large as a football. That has not happened to my aurora just yet. She is still small. I feed her. I bought her a set of two Greek columns to swim around and through and to look pretty in her tank.

My friend angry Tom is looking for a place where they still have Mass. Some private or semi-private chapel. There is nowhere to go. I told him if he found someplace I would go with him on Easter. As it stands now, on Good Friday, one week from today, I will go to the Church in Glendale and pray at the Lourdes Grotto and say the Stations.

I do not know what to think.

This blog is the record of my thoughts. I don't write much anymore but it is how I am doing. My life for anyone who is interested. My life is not interesting, but it is a good life for the most part, now, and has been since late July.

I am looking at aurora. I am in the basement with her now. She still swims around. I wonder how long she will live.

But life is as life is. Everyone is wearing masks when I go out. I still take my walks. I go to stores less, and when I do, gloves and masks, usually. No one in my family is sick. Julian was sick, but he told me he is better now.

I a not trying to be interesting. My life is not at all interesting, so my blog should be dull also. Many people try to make up for having a dull life by reading books or watching television of movies. I am trying to live a normal life without the need for interesting things to happen or to watch interesting stories. I live, I think, I say my prayers much of which are similar or the same from day to day. Thursday I have my hour so it is special. It was better before the Churches were closed, but I make be with what is be.

My new Gemma prayer cards with relics are pretty. Some of them are paintings with angels and Mary and Jesus and of course my Gemma. She died when she was twenty five. There is a nice one of Mary holding baby Jesus and and Gemma genuflecting and reaching out towards the baby Jesus. There is an angel standing with his hand raised and a little baby cherub holding the insignia of the Passionists, a black heart with a cross. There is another with Gemma with her wounded hands, pointing towards Jesus on a Cross, surrounded by angels.

To think of holy things. I  must be a strange person. What is the world? All I ask for is enough to survive in a simple way until I die. Hopefully sooner rather than later. And not be tortured or abused or on the street (or if I end up on the street, it is not as unpleasant as it seems). Perhaps I will spend the rest of my days in a mental institution and live there with the crazies and the nurses. That would be a life. I could draw pictures and look at my holy cards, if they let me have them. I never lived in a mental institution. There used to be more of them, but years ago they closed many of them and just let the crazies be homeless or go to jails. But I read an article that suggested that in the future, because of governmental policy changes, they may be coming back. So it may be my life. In my time in the psych ward, they never let me have a rosary or wear a scapular. So I had to make do. And they do not allow the patients to wear belts out of fear of suicide, so everyone (if they are wearing street clothes) has to tie their pants tight with short strings tied to the belt loops.

I am not trying to make my blog popular. It is what I am. I am not trying to impress girls so they would marry me. But perhaps some people will find my blog and get something from it. Or at least know what I am like as if we were friends. I have to get back into a better habit of prayer. I will be good today, starting now. So be peaceful, now is the time to go for my walk. So be it.