Merry Christmas

 Today is Christmas Day. Went to Church. Mass was in a new location in Soho. As we do not have a real Church, but have Mass in a rented room. There were only about ten people. I think some did not know where it was. The smallest crowd I have ever seen there. But some people moved away. I was wondering where the lovely Helena and her sister Olivia have been as we haven't seen them in a while. They may be home from school. We did not have the normal vestments or chalice or crucifix or all the holy things. Father brought a travelling Mass kit with him to say Mass. We tried to sing the Alma Redemptoris Mater. At first we had trouble, but then after we got going we did a decent job. I remember most of the melody but not the words. So Tom had it written down and we were able to sing it. I don't know why we all know the Salve Regina, but not the other Marian songs.

Now Mom is cooking dinner. I am helping. We are having a turkey. Then we will open our presents.

Tom's Tumors

 I dreamed about Tom from Church. We were playing a game similar to bowling and it was his turn but he was not there. I went to look for him and I found him and he said "look at my tumors" and I could see tumors on his hands and he showed me his midsection where there were also tumors. They looked green and showed through the skin. Then he said "If I go to hell I will hate you forever." And I said "No! I will love you forever. I will love you forever."

Subway Troubles

 I was late to Mass today. I got there around the confiteor. But the troubles were after Mass. After Mass we went out and talked for a couple of hours over food and coffee. We like to talk. And then we went to the subway. I got on the 6 at 42nd street and took it to 51st st to get the E. When I got off the E was not stopping at that station. When that happens I sometimes go downtown to catch the J or uptown to catch the R. I went downtown. Got on the 6 and took it to Canal St to transfer to the J. When I got onto the J platform the J was not running on that station. So what now? My plan was to take the R to Queens and then transfer to the E or F. So I saw the N was on the track and the N goes to the R so I ran into the N just before the doors closed. Once on the train, I learned that it was going the wrong way and went over the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn. It had already been a long time in my travels. On the next stop I got out and went to the Manhattan-bound side of the station. The Q train came and it is Express so I got on the Q and decided to take it to 63rd st and Lex and transfer there to the F. When I got to 63rd st the E was on it's way as the E was running on the F line and I got on the E. I decided to take the E to Jamaica and then get on the J to go home instead of taking the bus from Union Turnpike. At Continental Avenue the train stopped for ten minutes for some reason. Then it resumed and went to Jamaica. At the station I transferred to the J and it came quickly and soon I was home. The train ride took, from when I first got on the 6 train platform until I got home, about 2 hours and 10 minutes. When all is running well and the E train is running express it takes about 30 minutes. So my adventure was about an hour and forty minute delay. Now I am tired. But it was good to go to Mass and Communion, though I was not able to go to Confession. Hopefully next week.

The Upper Room

 So yesterday we were able to go to our little Mass in the upper room again and not Holy Innocents. Mass is back. I am happy. After Mass six of us went out to get food and talked for a while. I left before everyone else because it was getting late. They are only allowing 25 people in for Mass. Father said if more than 25 people come, he would let the extra people come up after the rest of us left and hear their confessions, give a sermon, and distribute Communion but not say another Mass.

Me and Michael had some beers and talked last night before bed. We think similarly about a lot of things. He is respectful and sympathetic, but he doesn't go to Mass all the time, or the Latin Mass, though he did come with us once a while ago and liked it. We agree about a lot of things. It is like he reads some of the same things and watches the same kind of things as I do. He is five years younger than me.

The election is tomorrow. I plan on drinking Guinness and then going to sleep without following the election. My parents will be watching the election coverage on thee TV so I will avoid them. I hate politics. 

Hawk Mountain

 

Yesterday my father drove us to Hawk Mountain in Pennsylvania. It is a mountain where one can look into the valley where hawks often fly. We saw a couple of hawks. I could not tell what kind of hawks they were, but they were probably sharp-shinned hawks as they are the most common kind seen there. Someone saw a bald eagle yesterday, but we did not.

There were about a half a dozen lookout points, collections of boulders piled on top of each other where you climb and look out over the valley or over the fields. The views were beautiful as in the picture above.

Michael and the girl came. We talked a little. About our worries. He does not like the lockdown and like me thinks it is insane. I did not wear a mask on the mountain, but I carried it on my arm in case anyone bothered me about it. That is also what I do when I walk around town.

We got to the mountain after two and by the time we were done it was almost night time. We had to walk over rocks through the woods and my mother was having trouble walking. Me and Michael took turns leading her. I was afraid we would not get back to the car before night time, but we barely made it. We were some of the last people to leave. It was a good trip.

Benediction Again

 I went to the local Church and read the bulletin. It said they had Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction today. This was cancelled for months. So I went. To look at Jesus. If you think Jesus is there in the Novus Ordo. To pray to God. A blessing.

A Dream of Heaven

I just want to remember a dream I had. Last night I had a dream that I was in heaven and when I woke up and realized I was still on earth (or perhaps it is hell here, though if so, hell is not as bad as you would think). But in my dream, heaven was not a place, it was a state of mind, or a state of the heart, or really a state of the soul. It was as if I were in the world among people, but heaven existed in me and I existed in heaven. At one point in the dream I was speaking to Mellonie who was in a state of hell as I was in heaven, at another point I was playing cards. But in all the dream I was as happy as one could be, happier than I normally am in my waking life, and I am a happy person. I was in heaven. And then I awoke.

Stigmata

 Yesterday Darius drove me to Church on long Island. With John. Near the Church I saw some grackles. Mass was beautiful.

Last night I had many dreams, but I only remember one. I dreamed I had the stigmata and was looking at the wounds in my hands. My dreams were pleasant, they were not dreams of despair. I am no Padre Pio. I may have mentioned that my uncle's father met Padre Pio and was his driver for a short while in Italy during the war. He saw his wounds.

The gold finches must live near my house, because again I saw them, three or four of them, hanging around by the flowers in our front yard. When I went out and when I came back they greeted me.

On my second walk for the first time in a long time, I saw the grackles down by Liberty Avenue I saw two big ones up in a tall tree. Only two. It was good to see them. I was wondering where they were. 

A Visit From Jesus At Home

Today Father S came to visit Julian and then he came to visit me. He brought in the Blessed Sacrament and put Him on a table with a white cloth he had me prepare. Then he said some prayers and had me say the Confiteor. Then he heard my confession. And then he absolved me. And then he gave me Communion. He broke the host in half because he had to visit another person after me. It was nice. He also blessed some medals and my picture of the Sorrowful Mother.

We talked. He said our living room and dining room combined were about the same size as the place where we used to have Mass in the city (and hopefully will again). They are looking for a new place and hoping for an end or an easing of the virus lockdown so we could have Mass again. He said that maybe we could have Mass at our house. I said I would like that, but not sure about mom and dad. They always used to make fun of my uncle George for having an obscure Russian Orthodox Church in his basement. It would be cool if we had a traditionalist Mass in our living room. But this is not likely. What is likely is that I had Jesus again from my priest. I gave him a donation.

When I go to the indult Mass in the city it just doesn't feel right. Now I think Jesus is also there, just that I have doubts about the priests' orthodoxy and traditionalism, which is why my preferences lie the way they do.

Some people think all Novus Ordo priests ordained in the New Rite are invalid so they avoid them. I do not go to them for confession, but lately I am willing to assume they are valid and receive the Sacraments there out of necessity. But Some people I know are going to the "resistance" chapel up north because of doubts about the validity of one of the priests in Ridgefield. People do not agree. And not only sedes. For a while, though I was never really a sede, I held some of their opinions like that the Novus Ordo did not have true Sacraments. But now I do not. Though I would completely understand refusing to receive the Sacraments from Novus Ordo priests out of the principle on not wanting anything to do with the new "springtime of Vatican II." Blessed be God.

Parakeet

 As I was walking I saw a yellow bird eating rice with the sparrows as if they were friends. After a while the birds flew away onto the roof of a house and I saw the flashing yellow. Then the bird flew away shining brightly and she was gone. I am not sure what kind of bird it was, but it was not a finch. It looked like a parakeet, yellow with some green, but I am not sure.

Soon after a man was walking down the street with a brown blanket wrapped around his neck, flowing down. In his left hand he held a 40 oz been and was lifting it up to his mouth to drink. At 11:30 AM. He had white hair and looked like an Old Testament prophet.

Gold Finch

 

I saw the yellow birds again today. I think they look like gold finches, but I did not get so close to them as I could be sure. However they were smaller than the internet say that gold finches usually are. Pretty. Now that I have seen them three times on our block, I think they live here and are not just travelling.

Yellow Birds

 A few days ago I saw a pair of pretty yellow birds of which type I did not know. Then today I saw three of them. They chirped the same three notes over and over again. They were so pretty. Now that I saw them twice I think they might live here and are not just travelling through. I looked for them on the internet by searching for yellow birds who live in New York, but I could not find the type of bird they were. I hope I continue to see them as they were beautiful and nice to look at and listen to.

My Birthday

 

Today is my birthday. Every year I get a birthday cake. Fudgie the Whale. From Carvel. We just picked it up. I also always get sushi for dinner. And today I am getting a 16 dollar bottle of good beer from a monastery. My brother is here. I don't know if I am getting any presents. The girl bought me a set of knives for my birthday. It came from Amazon a couple of days ago. I was surprised. I didn't think she thought of me. It was nice. Say a prayer for me on my birthday.

I do not want anything, except for things to not become very bad. Currently I am happy. We will see what the future brings. Happy birthday to me. I am looking forward to eating Fudgie the Whale tonight with my family.

A Bad Omen

 

On my first walk I found a lot of coins scattered around on the street. A dollar and fifty-two cents.

Then I went to Dunkin Donuts to get food for mom and dad. It is across the street from the library. Walking past the library I saw three of the drunkards who sit on the benches by the library. One ugly old woman looked at me like I offended her but said nothing. Then I went to the store.

The woman at the store had a grey left eye. It looked like it was blind and cloudy and permanently facing down. I got a croissant and a boston kreme donut for mom and dad.

Walking back I passed the drunkards and looked in the garden of the library. There is a tree with white blossoms and in and around the tree were dozens of starlings. When I looked at them, the ones on the ground flew away but not the ones in the tree.

Then I walked home. And on the way, I crossed the path of a dead praying mantis. She looked like she was stepped on. A bad omen. Then I walked home.

Stolen Car And Cancer.

 My father had surgery for cancer in his kidney. They removed a third of one of his kidneys.

My brother drove here from Philly to be with us. Someone stole his car. My brother has bad luck. Bad things always happen to him.

Went to Church today. Ed told me Tom is in the hospital.

Just to remember. My own life is grand.

A Gift

 As I left the house there was a pretty group of birds by the street. Sparrows and mourning doves. And as I went out there she was, a beautiful black swallowtail butterfly flopping around among our neighbors' flowers. So pretty. A lovely introduction to the day. It was a sign that the Blessed Mother loves me and us. A gift.

Sparrows

On my second walk today I was nearing Jamaica Avenue on the way home when I looked to my left and saw a huge gathering of sparrows. As I neared them they flew away and landed a few yards from where they first were. Then I cried out "Where are you going sparrows?" They flew away again, several dozen of them. They flew right into the path of a young black man who was walking the other way. Some of the sparrows flew right into him and crashed into him. We were both surprised. He yelled out "What the . . . ?" And I laughed. I had never seen sparrows accidentally flying into a person as a group. Usually the little birds are infallible. It was neat, I thought.

There is a fly in my room. He is crawling on the inside of the window screen. The window is open. Flies are signs of the devil. The evil one may be near.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

Monarch Butterfly

 On my walk today on the fuchsia and orange flowers I saw a huge Monarch butterfly eating. Flopping around from flower to flower, up and about and down. I watched her for a few minutes. She was beautiful as most butterflies are. It is good seeing big butterflies on my walks. Something to remind one of God and heaven. 

My Favorite Butterfly

 

Saw my favorite butterfly again on my walk. She was eating from the flowers in front of the house next to the witch and the pirate who have the best garden in the neighborhood. I really love looking at her calmly eating and flapping around from flower to flower for a minute or two before she flies away. I do love watching butterflies and every time I see one of these it makes me happy.

Baby Carriage

 I saw a swallowtail butterfly eating from the fuchsia flowers. She put he strawlike beak into the flower and took it out, and into the next. This one had the yellow, but not the blue and orange eyes on the wings.  watched her eating for a couple of minutes. Then she flew away.

Walking on I saw my old neighbor Ann Margaret. She said hello and walked past and away. She is older and married with grown up children. When I was a child she used to babysit me.

Walking on I saw a black cat walking past my path. I was not afraid. Also, earlier on the walk there was a young woman pushing a baby carriage, but inside the carriage was a gray cat and not a child.

And there were workers in trucks clearing the trees which fell in the storm from the streets.

Hurricane

So the remnants of a hurricane came through New York today. The strong winds knocked down a branch from our neighbor's tree. The branch fell on our tree and broke a large branch from our tree. The branch from our tree fell on top of and broke the power line. So we have no electricity. It will be fixed sometime. But we have no idea how long we have to wait because many people have lost electricity and there are only so many electric company workers.

Our neighbors' electricity did not go out. They were kind and offered to run an extension cord from their house in to ours so we could have some electricity. My father thanked them graciously. We plugged in the refrigerator and the modem so we have food, phone, and internet now. We bought some battery operated lights for around the house.

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist and she told me that today there was a hurricane coming. I did not know because I do not watch TV. I told her that maybe the big tree in our backyard would fall down and if it did it would land on my room and kill me. And the next day a big branch from the tree did fall down, but not on our house, on the power line and our neighbor's garage.

So luckily we are all okay. But we can't cook and we have no lights except for the battery ones. Everyone is alright.

Brown Scapular Sighting

I went to the bank to deposit money in my mother's bank account. As I opened the door to go in a brown skinned man walked by and his shirt was not buttoned all the way up and I saw that he was wearing a white Rosary around his neck and a Brown Scapular. I Thought that was neat.

On my first walk this morning on the avenue I walked by a gray stray cat. The cat was just sitting there and she let me walk up to her. She was occupied eating grass. I did not know cat's ate grass.

Looking out the window a starling flew from inside our house (they have a nest there, below the gutter) to the electric wire that runs to the pole in the back. The starling pooed out white poop which fell to the ground, and then another bird flew up and started wrestling with the starling. I could not tell what kind of bird this was, I thought maybe a mourning dove. The two birds fell down out of sight and I did not see them again.

Father Pfeiffer is a Bishop now. In Kentucky. If you know who he is. He was just consecrated by a Thuc line Bishop named Webster. I went to his Masses four times. Twice under the SSPX and twice after he left. Now he is in Kentucky as the leader of what many regard as a cult. I believe he is a dogmatic geocenrist, but he opposes the flat earth movement.

As of now, Saturday evening, the moon is almost full. Father drove us to Bay Shore. While parked, I was waiting in the car when I saw a gaggle of crows. They cried out, two fought with each other. On telephone wires and old buildings. Birds of ill omens. Heart Shaped Box.

Raid: Shadow Legends

If you watch Youtube in your spare time as I do, you may have seen advertisements for a game called "Raid: Shadow Legends". I see it all the time. It is a video game you play on your phone, and now you can play it on your computer as well. Curious, I looked for information about it. Apparently it is made by a company owned by a casino company. The game is terrible, but they pay people who own popular Youtube channels thousands of dollars to promote their game in addition to buying Youtube advertising. If you play the game they say you are constantly asked to spend real money to buy upgrades and items for your video game characters. This makes it very hard to do good in the game without buying things with real money. For example, to get a powerful sword you can pay 20 dollars, or you can go around playing the game, fighting monsters for three days in hopes of finding that sword. Often when you buy upgrades to your weapons it is random, as in you have a one in five chance of upgrading your item and if you do not get lucky the money is wasted. It seems like a real scam. And the game is also not supposed to be very good or fun, though it may be addictive. I watched a few people speaking about how the game is terrible and how the company offered them thousands of dollars to promote the game, but they declined. The advertisements I see are cringe-worthy.

A Lightning Bug

As my father was driving us to Church in the city Sunday morning (Holy Innocents) we were in the car when I saw a lightning bug on the inside of the car window. How did it get in the car in the morning. I thought they were nocturnal as I never see them during the day. It would seem that it must have gotten into the car the night before, gotten stuck inside and survived the night and then coming out when we got in the car in the morning. I opened the window and the bug crawled around on the window for a while. Then, finally the bug started flying and flew out of the window into the air of the world. I am the light of the world.

Another omen.

A Nightmare

Sometimes the devils visit me in my dreams. Or at least it seems they do. Two nights ago I was awoken by a nightmare. All I remember is that I was being tortured and that the torture was devils stomping on my testicles. I felt a great deal of pain in the dream as if it were real. Since I used to record my dreams I thought to record this one as it was frightening.

Three Omens

Today there were three omens.

The first was as I was walking on my first walk. As I reached the end of our block I saw a swallowtail butterfly. It flew away down the avenue towards the Church without landing on any flowers and went away. I always think of this as the Mary butterfly. It was not the first I have seen this season.

The second was later on in the walk. As I reached the place where there was the body of a dead bird, and it has been there for several days, not yet decomposed, the cats must have better food to eat, I heard the falcon cry out and I looked up and saw him, we have falcons who like to sit at the top of our Church's steeple, and the falcon had a dead animal in his claws. I could not tell if it was a squirrel or a smaller bird, but he was carrying some form of prey. He flew up into a pine tree and all of the other birds were squawking. Crying out in fear or to warn other birds of the danger.

The third was as I was walking to Church later in the day. I saw a monarch butterfly flying away in the same direction as the earlier butterfly, going off towards Church. I always think of this as the Jesus butterfly and it was the first one I have seen this season. I guess they come around later in the summer though I do not know.

The Church bells are ringing as I write this. Three-thirty bells. What do these three omens mean? The falcon is a prince of the birds, and the butterflies are beautiful. I once saw one of the falcons in the woods, as my father and I were walking through the woods to go to the place where my brother died in the winter time in the woods, and the falcon had a dead squirrel in his claws and he walked away with the squirrel as we went near.

In this world of fire.

A Woman

I find it is easier for me as a man to love a woman than to love a man. So I find it more natural to love Mother Mary than to love Jesus. Or even to love a lesser creature, my Gemma. I love Jesus also, but I do not feel it as much. As much as I love Our Mother or my Gemma.

This is a strange picture that I really like. It is so very strange, but I like strange things. It reminds me of The Glories of Mary. I just finished talking with Julian a few minutes ago. My best friend. He is sad because he lost his favorite aide at the nursing home. Her name is Latoya.

I am listening to an interview with a very young priest of the SSPX who is about to become the District Superior of Canada. It just started. I hope it is good. It is how I am spending my evening tonight. He looks younger than me. But he went through schooling. Right now they are going into Baptism of Desire type ideas in relation to separated brethren and partial communion.

I lately have been praying more. I should pray even more. I love praying. But I might get tired of it if I did it too much. I have vague wishes that I were a monk. Something which is not possible because of my infirmities. But I would love to be a brother in some little monastery somewhere where they prayed the old office and Mass. There are not a lot of them so they can be picky. No crazies. I can be like Saint Benedict Joseph Labre. A crazy who loves God very much. 

Often I look at pictures of a girl named Danica. She posts pictures and videos of herself smoking cigarettes on Instragram. I used to know her and had a big crush on her. A penny for the world. I would rather have. A penny for the world. The interview is interesting. A little girl.

Tomorrow I am going to the indult Mass again. It is better than no Mass. A long time ago I was of the opinion that one should not go to the indult Mass but it was okay to go to the Eastern Rites. But now after four months of no Mass I am okay with the indult. They are compromised priests I guess. But as I think they are valid, Jesus is really there.

The Belle of My Heart. The interview. The interviewer is trying to square the circle of magesteriums. I do not know if it is true, but I once heard that the idea of the "magisterium" and the "ordinary magisterium" was invented by a supposedly conservative theologian who happened to have sexual affairs with nuns in the times of Pius IX. Brides of Christ. 

The times are fleeing. The interviewer is talking about Athanasius Schneider who he interviewed, that is high profile. And now he is asking about it. The priest is trying to defend themselves. Comparing Lefebvre to St Thomas More. The interviewer is sympathetic to the priest, talking about how the sodomites are all accepted but only the SSPX are reviled.

So the milk of Mary. I do not know. The Belle of My Heart. I do not know. To love her I know, but all I want is . . . .

After Mass today we ate. Mom and dad came, Mom went to Mass with me. On the way back to the car a crazy black woman started yelling at me. She said something like "Do you own the Duane Reade? Do you won the Walgreens. No! You ain't own nothing." Then she walked away. I had no idea what she was yelling at me about or why she was yelling.

Simeon

"Listen to me. It is in silence that I speak to souls. Those who flee silence will never hear my voice. Encourage silence and practice it yourself with a renewed dedication, for it is in silence that the Holy Spirit descends, and it is in silence that He works in souls, bringing them to holiness of life, and to the perfection that I desire for each one."

So I finished reading my book, In Sinu Jesu. It was a nice read. I will read it again. It was not the best book I have ever read. The main point of the book was that Jesus likes it when we go to pray before the Blessed Sacrament and that if more people do so with love, the Church will grow strong again. I wish there were more to it, a journal of around 260 pages, but it was comforting to read.

In these times of peace and of calamity I am feeling well for myself. Because of my family I have peace. Without them I would be sad. But none of them listen to me. I am the only believer (well my mother believes a somewhat but not as crazily as I do). Often I think to myself that I am alone. I am the only person I know who wants to love God, and everyone else in my life is a devil worshiper. And I am probably a devil worshiper myself, but am fooling myself. I don't know. But nobody listens to me.

I do not understand why the Novus Ordo exists. I wish it would be wiped off the face of the earth. It is like drinking poison that does not taste good. I consider it valid. But not in a good way. Valid as if a priest walked in to a bakery and pronounced the words of consecration over the bread there and then walked home. Some may say it must be good because it comes from the Church. I don't know. Perhaps Julian is right and it is just bread, or even the body of the devil.

"It's good to be inspired by the saints and by others. Sometimes it's good to imitate some of their actions or devotions. But you are not them, you are you. You are called to be holy in a way no one else is, even if certain things are similar."

This is a quote from a Catholic twitter personality. It reminds me of Saint Simeon Stylites who lived as a hermit atop a pillar and was later copied by other hermits. Imagine walking from one city to the next and seeing three Catholic hermits living on top of pillars, spending their lives in prayer and loving God until they were struck by lightning.

So am I fooling myself? Am I a fool. I want to be good. Am I beyond redemption? Is it too late? I know I have done bad. But am I beyond salvation? Am I alive? Or am I dead, being a corpse who only thinks he is alive, but is being animated by necromancy beyond all hope of redemption? Am I a zombie. I don't know. Cry? When crazy I remember I thought I was a vampire and that my parents had turned me into a vampire. Imagine thinking that while being schizo. I have crazy fits sometimes.

I was disappointed today (Saturday). I went to the local Church for Eucharistic Adoration, but it was not to be. Instead they had the vigil Novus Ordo, which I do not like. I must call the office to see when they have EA and benediction now which I love. I would be happy if I had a traditional Mass, daily, with benediction every night. But I am happy enough.

Today is Sunday (I started writing this yesterday) Went to the indult with mom. A high Mass. I saw some people I knew but did not speak to them today. Mom lit a lot of candles. I hope our SSPX Mass comes back soon in our little rented room.

I decided to stop praying the Rosary in Latin, and go on praying it in English. It seems more humble that way. I should be littler.

Just because I love her, this is my favorite Holy Card. Last year I printed out ten of them and gave them to friends from Church and my brother.

Pop Music

So dad and mom and I went to visit Michael in Philly. Dad drove there. There was one bad thing. On the trip down and then again back up my Father was playing pop music. Mostly the 50s and 60 stations on the satellite radio. Especially since I got out of the hospital I hate pop music. It is the devil's music. In my mind pop culture, especially TV and music is of the devil almost completely. The point of it is to turn all the youth into sodomites, fornicators, and onanists. And the destruction it has left in its wake is unprecedented. And of course the Church put up no defense against the onslaught, instead going along with it, giving a hundred million Catholics over to the devil for fear of seeming reactionary, or else because they were also devils. They even held dances with this filth being played while the youth got together and got drunk, high, and fornicated. And went to confession in the morning without true repentance, followed by sacrilegious communions. I don't know, but it makes my skin crawl to hear it. There and back. I did not speak up, ad my father would get angry. When I go out with my mother I play the classical music station or turn off the radio. At least that does not have sinful lyrics about lusting after young girls.

But we got to see Michael. He wants to make pop music. Alas.

I spoke to my therapist today. We had a nice conversation, but nothing important was discussed. Just a routine session. I like talking to her and she helps me.

So I hate pop music like most media. Of the devil, but nobody cares. So I speak to myself, everyone is a devil. And no one takes me seriously. i hope I am good and that one day I get to go to heaven. But I fear if I do get there I will be alone. I don't think a lot of people from my generation and especially my parents generation will be saved. And if I am saved, that would be a neat miracle.

At my local Novus Ordo Church, something interesting is going on. The last two times I went there to pray before the tabernacle, they had four Prie Dieus set up where there used to be an altar rail. I can only presume that the priest there is encouraging Communion to be taken while kneeling, on the tongue. I know the administrator knows how to say the Latin Mass and likes to celebrate Mass Ad Orientem. So our parish is bacoming one of the conservative ones. I hope they will have more Latin Masses soon. I attneded one in the parish, only one. And after the fact I learned that there were others.

I have to say that there has to be a Church somewhere until the end of time.

Rainbow

"Love My Mother, love My Mother more and more. You will never approach the love of My own Heart for her by yourself, but I, by My free gift, can and will unite you to the love of My Sacred Heart for her. Thus will you come to experience the ineffable union of our two hearts in your own heart."

I saw the most beautiful rainbow tonight as I went out to buy a bottle of soda from the store. A sign of the covenant with Noah. Was able to go to Church today. Holy Innocents for high Mass. I am still waiting on St. Christopher's where I would prefer to go but they are not yet having Mass there. It is not even in a regular Church building, but in a rented hall where they have an altar on a table and some chairs.

I see the rainbow as a sign of God. That he is happy with me and that this week, as I was able to go to Mass for the first time in months, and receive Jesus into my heart while for the longest time I could only visit him in His house in the tabernacle, and on Saturdays look into His Heart but never receive Him into my soul. It was happy to look at Him. For some reason, I am happier looking at Him with my eyes, even than when I receive Him into my heart. I do not know why this is. Maybe it is because I am too worldly. But the rainbow was a sign that God is happy with me and that I do good to do what I am doing, though it is different than what I was doing before I was hospitalized last year in July. I am doing good and am happy.

"Spend less time at the computer and more time in My presence. I wait for you here. I long to see you before Me."

"When a priest approaches My altar laden with sins that have not been confessed or for which he has not repented, My angels look on in horror, My Mother grieves, and I am again wounded in My hands and My feet, and in My Heart. I am again struck on My mouth and treated with a terrible ignominy."

Baby Blue

My father said something yesterday that made me upset He was talking about at the hospital when I was born and how they gave the baby boys blue blankets and the baby girls pink blankets and that this was "sexist". This made me upset. I shouldn't worry about such small things because it is not important but it is a sign . . .

I Hate Television

When I was a child I used to play Nintendo and sometimes my father would get angry and kick the Nintendo until he destroyed it because he was sick of me always playing it. And then he would get me a new Nintendo. I do not remember how many times this happened. I think it happened twice. When I grew up I stopped playing video games and then I stopped watching television. I thought it was a stupid waste of time and infuriating how stupid it seemed to me. And when I became religious I saw watching it as utter slavery to the devil.

I feel similarly in my old age about the television as my father did about the Nintendo and when my parents watch it. I get angry whenever it is on. My parents watch it. Most often they watch MSNBC. I get so angry. It is not just TV, but the Communist news propaganda network, in my mind possibly the worst channel there is. Sometimes I yell at them and tell them to stop watching. And I warn them that watching the television is worshiping the devil. It is how the computer would be if all there was on the internet was porn. I doubt my parents, especially my mother, will ever give up the TV. But it makes me angry. I feel as if at my mother's judgment God will say for every hour you spent adoring me in the Blessed Sacrament, you spent a hundred hours worshiping the devil before the television. They don't care. They probably dismiss my warnings as part of my insanity. But they are good to me except for when they torture me with the television and I love them and want the best for them. I see it as watching my parents committing mortal sin every day with nothing I can do about it. As if they are murdering Jesus and sending themselves to hell in front of my face and when I object they do not listen.

I think I will have to stop complaining. It is pointless and causes division. I will keep my feelings to myself I guess.

A Book I Bought

There is a blog I read. If you know me, you know that there is a monastery I support and have even made donations to. If you know me I generally support the SSPX. I go to Mass and confession there. But this monastery is not SSPX; it is more like the reform of the reform. They say the old Mass and sing the old office, but under the local Bishop. During the isolation, for a while I watched their livestreams of Mass and vespers until they stopped streaming them.

The monastery is called Silverstream Priory and it is in Ireland and the blog is called Vultus Christi. I discovered it when I was a new traditional Catholic, somewhere between 2008 and 2010. One of the priests there claims to receive revelations from Jesus and Mary that promote Eucharistic Adoration. And he published some of them in a book. I just bought the book and am waiting for it to be mailed to me. Dawn Eden does not like it which is a good sign for me. So I should like it.

It was my favorite blog, with inspiring devotional posts. I would read it and it would often make me cry, especially in my times of despair, and boy did I have times of despair. I am looking forward to reading the book. It has been out for a few years so it is not new, but I only just discovered it. I would expect condemnation from those I know, that monastery is liberal, they are compromisers.

I want to read the book. I hope to read it. And I will probably talk about it on this blog. I do not do much spiritual reading other than my daily prayers. This will be some. If it is anything like the blog I will probably love it. In Sinu Jesu is the name of the book. Even if it is a fraud, I think I will like it.

Our Lady Of La Salette's secrets were placed on the index. "Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist" was condemned, yet it is all that is remembered. And it seems to have come true. This book is probably just uncontroversial general piety.

I am looking forward to the book. I have to spend money. I went to the bank today and gave my father some. I pay him rent, but we don't call it that. Money. Money. Money. Some things I just don't understand. Usury.

The Multiplication of Chicken Legs

I went to the store to buy chicken for dinner tomorrow. First I got broccoli and then celery. I almost forgot the celery. And then I put a  package of chicken legs in my basket. When I got to the register to put my food on the belt, there were two packages of chicken legs. I don't know how this happened as I only put one package in my basket. It was a miracle, I thought, the multiplication of chicken legs. So I bought then both and walked home.

Swallowtail

On my first walk I saw my favorite butterfly. Of the ones that live around here that is. I do not often see her. I believe she is called the Eastern Black Swallowtail Butterfly. Black with the blue and the orange or yellow spots that look like eyes at the bottom of the wings.

This butterfly with the blue and the eyes reminds me of the Blessed Mother so she is the Mary butterfly to me so always love to see her. She is not common around here. I usually see her only a few times during the season, and not often like the white butterflies or the Monarchs.

Mockingbird

A few days ago I was out on my walk, near the house owned by the witch and the pirate. The house has a beautiful garden and the woman who keeps the garden looks like a witch and her husband looks like a pirate with tattoos. They have a daughter who is in her twenties. There are so many rose bushes of different colors and other flowers. It is a beautiful garden. Well the other day as I was walking a bird flew near my head and then pulled up right before hitting my head. I felt the wind from his wings on the back of my neck. I looked up and it was a mockingbird. Strange.

Today, a few minutes ago I was on the same walk (almost every day I go on the same two walks, first, to 102nd street, and second, to Atlantic Avenue) and again a mockingbird flew right at my head. It was almost attacking me, dive bombing me and pulling up right before hitting my head. A warning. It did so three or four times, a mockingbird. There were two of them. So they must have a nest somewhere near the witches' garden and they were protecting the eggs from me. It is by the sidewalk where many people walk, so I wonder if the mockingbirds are always attacking the pedestrians and if they attack the witch and the pirate when they are in their garden.

My father told me the other day that a family they knew who owned a house at Fire Island let a young writer live in their house for one summer so that she could have free time to write a book. Her name was Harper Lee. The book she wrote was To Kill A Mockingbird, the famous novel they make everyone read in school.

So the mockingbirds attack me on my walk. If this continues I may have to change the route of my walk, and not go past the beautiful garden but walk across the street.

I got an email from one of my blog's readers that was very nice. I worry that people will not like my blog. I have a few readers. It is hard to tell how many from the stats but it is not a lot. You are la creme de la creme. An exclusive club.

Still praying the Office of the Dead for someone. It feels like I do not pray at all. I have my little prayers and then I go for my walks and make dinner. It is not exhausting at all. I am happy. That seems to be the common theme of my blog, how happy I am. I am fortunate, for now. The future may be bleak. Since I last got out of the hospital I have been praying a lot. And I have been happy. When I first became religious I started praying the fifteen decades of the Rosary every day and since then I missed only one day in so many years. But for a long time I did not always pray more, now I pray more. If is a good way to relieve stress and advance contentment. I do not always say my prayers in the most devout way. When I pray the Rosary because my mind is broken I can not meditate as that function of my mind is out of order, but I say all the words. Usually in Latin, but sometimes in English. And at three I pray the stations, I have fourteen different ones that I pray, a different one each day. Perhaps I should stick to one until I memorize it. And I look at my holy pictures. And I look at Jesus' house and now on Saturdays at Jesus. I wish you happiness and peace.

The common birds in my area are rock doves, mourning doves, sparrows, starlings, mockingbirds, robins, and blue Jays. Sometimes I see cardinals, on rare occasion woodpeckers, and sometimes, lately at least, orange orioles. There is also a family of peregrine falcons. They like to sit on the local Church's steeple. Sometimes various gulls come here from the seashore. I live on Long Island, but not close to the sea, but sometimes the gulls come inland to where I live. Those are all the common birds I see in my neighborhood. Oh yes, on the other side of the Avenue and to the East there are grackles also. I rarely see other birds at all. I love birds. Few things are as beautiful as a bird on the wing, and it is rare for man-made music to reach the heights of the music of the birds. Even simple calls are wonderful. I do not think most people have eyes to see or ears to hear and that is part of why everyone is so miserable. Because they are blind because they do not have God in their souls. My neighbor Elvia is a Catholic. She told me she is happy because she has God in her heart. I hope it is true.

In SIlence

In silence one will find peace; in much speech one will find much sin.

Something the monk was speaking of was the numerous sins that come from much speech. I know I speak too much. I am an ignorant fool so I should remain silent, yet I speak. It is a weakness. I feel the need to express myself in the hopes of finding understanding. And perhaps to ask for help and to help those who need it. I have this blog where I express my thoughts freely. And I speak to people on the internet in forums and things.

When I think of my sins. Lately, I think the sins I commit most frequently are saying aloud bad thoughts. When I think, it is a peculiarity of my condition, I often say my thoughts out loud. Usually when I am alone. Sometimes I fear that I will say bad things around other people and they will accuse me. But mostly I say bad things when I am alone. I think about things, and thinking leads to me speaking to myself. Father Purdy told me that if I just speak without thinking and do not really mean what I say, and it is just a slip of the tongue, there is no sin. But he also seemed to think I shouldn't be talking to myself, even if it was not sin. As if that was a sign that there was something wrong with me; which I admit is likely to be true.

But it seems like a sin. Surely venial. But to say bad things, even without meaning them. It is like I have a devil in my heart living there and I am a sinner and my heart is truly black which is why bad things come from it. The words of the mouth are the substance of the heart overflowing. What one says in the silence of the night without thought is what one truly believes. There is no better indication of the state of one's soul, than the content of one's dreams. Perhaps. But the demons give us dreams often to scare us and corrupt us, but then so does the good God and our guardian angel give us dreams to enlighten and encourage. To divine the meaning of dreams.

I regret the fact that I deleted my dream blog. Over five hundred of my dreams recorded and I deleted it forever. Stupid me. Vanity of vanities. I had many religious dreams. Often in my dreams I was at Mass or receiving Communion or saying prayers. Sometimes I would die in my dreams, and most of the time as I was dying I would pray the Salve Regina. In my dream that was the prayer I would say to prepare for death. Not the Ave Maria. I do not often remember my dreams now that I no longer record them. I think the act of recording them gets one in practice and disposes one to remember one's dreams more often. For two years I remembered my dreams most nights, and often multiple dreams during one night.

So in silence one finds peace; in speech one finds sin. I am a sinner because I speak. I think before I speak unless it is my nervous habit, and meditate and I often pray during the day. My favorite writer was Dostoyevsky and my favorite book was The Brothers Karamazov. He was a Russian Orthodox believer who is buried in a monastery. I guess the Orthodox are the closest to Catholicism of all the other religions. One must say that outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation so he was damned, yet he was baptized so we could hope for his repentance. I should start praying for Dostoyevsky. Or would that be an act of false ecumenism? Perhaps I should rather pray for Blaise Pascal.

They say that Saint Alphonsus Liguori wrote a hundred books. The only one I read was The Glories of Mary. I was told that reading Liguori would lead one to despair, except for that one book, The Glories of Mary. They say the Church used to be stricter until the Jesuits ruined it and turned the Church of Christ into the Church of presumption. It did not start with the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

I am not a great saint. In some ways I do well. My heart is pure for such a sinner as I am (relative to how I used to be. I only know my own heart and not that of others, and it is better than it used to be). I do not lust after women. But I am weak. I eat food and drink beer too often. Never to drunkenness, of course, but I have some at night and then go to bed. I am ten pounds overweight. I can be better when I try, but I do not try lately. I am content to say my prayers and be a regular person, but not of the world for the most part. I do not watch television ever or movies often or listen to modern music much anymore.

They say the best prayer is prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Since Jesus is truly present, he hears your prayer in the person of the real presence directly, and not just as the God who sees all thoughts and knows all desires everywhere. So the best prayer is before the Blessed Sacrament on the altar. Before the monstrance, but best would be before a monstrance without a glass. Or at the moment of the elevation at Mass when the priest holds up the Body of Our Lord, like the time I was looking and saw the host glow like the sun in Church when I was a new believer and was still filled with the demons of my youth.

I am a sinful man and my heart is the abode of demons. I do not think this is true any more. I think my heart holds God inside of it and the good God expelled the demons. I am sorry for my sins. I went to confession. I am clean now. Perhaps. I do not feel tormented by them any more. I fell last year, but I did not die; I lived to repent. And now I am okay.

So I am trying to stop talking in this way. When I do, even when I say something not bad, I pound my chest, "Mea culpa . . ." I was not always like this. This is something that I started doing about two years ago. Maybe it is because of excitedness or stress or not fasting enough. Or maybe it is the devil's new way of tripping me. I pray more now, but I am talking more now also. I want to be better.

Johannes

It is strange but the character from the motion pictures who I relate to most is Johannes from Dreyer's Ordet. Because I am a schizophrenic hyper-religious Christian who complains to my parents that we should get rid of the television because it is the devil's tabernacle, and nobody listens to me even though they show care for me and show love for me and support me. "He has lost his wits," they say. Though I never studied Schopenhauer.*

And my dad comments on how he wishes me and my brother would go to the demonstrations. I should have told him that the only demonstration that I would be interested in going to would be the march for life, but he makes fun of them (which made me get angry and break things). He laments the fact that I am not a communist and I lament the fact that he is not a Christian. And I noticed the absurdity of him being a promoter of masks and social distancing and that this disease is really serious and not over-hyped;  "a monster" he called it, and that we have to be safe, yet he also is promoting massive gatherings with no precautions in this time of pandemic.

I have yet to raise anyone from the dead, so there is that.

I made Manhattan clam chowder yesterday. The girl said it was the best clam chowder she has ever had and she has had a lot. I followed a recipe I found on the internet and changed it a bit which must have made it better. And I did not use fresh clams, but only the canned ones. I thought it tasted good. So there is that.

*edit. Robert, one of my few faithful readers informed me that I made an error. It was Kierkegaard that Johannes studied which made him go insane, not Schopenhauer. Forgive me for my error as I have never read Kierkegaard and misremembered.

Holy Child Jesus

My local parish is opening slowly. The Church is open now for a few hours every day. And on Saturday, they have Jesus in the monstrance. I went to look at Him. Now I can go more to pray. I am happy. I can't wait for our Mass in the city to start again.

So there are riots around the country. There is some looting in New York. I heard that the mayor has ordered the police to not help and allow the looters to cause destruction, but I do not know if that is really true. So far my neighborhood is safe. It is not a famous part of the city and it is usually peaceful.

The stresses of life. Since the lockdown started life has been good and we are eating dinner together as a family plus the girl. I was never afraid of the illness. But the rioting has me worried. If they came to our neighborhood, what would I do? My father said that from now until Sunday there is a curfew. No leaving the house after 8 PM.

Nothing bad has happened yet, but I worry.

My life is a dream in this time of plague. I have my worries, but nothing bad is happening to me. In the future I will suffer. And in the past I suffered, but now I am happy. I really am happy.

Friends

Do you have a lot of friends? I have two friends really, and then some people I know. My best friend is Julian. He is a good friend. He lives in a nursing home because he is blind and has diabetes and either his sisters don't want to take care of him, or he does not want to live with his sisters. We met at Church, in the upper room. He calls me on the phone and we talk. And I go to visit him in the nursing home. Because of the virus, I have not been able to visit him lately. He is a religious fanatic. Even more so than I am. He makes me seem like a liberal atheist in comparison. He may be the most religious person I know, other than Cora maybe. Cora is a belle. But Julian is nice to me and I am happy he is my friend even though we disagree on many things. He is a sedevacantist and a Feeneyite, and I am neither, though when those points come up I do not argue. I am almost a Feeneyite, but I am not. And when he says those antichrists in Rome are not true popes, I smile and nod, but do not argue. Though he does know I am not a sedevacantist.

My second friend is angry Tom. He calls me on occasion, but not often. He goes around to the various traditional Churches in the city, and often comes to mine. And we talk. He argues a lot, but we have never argued. He once saw me looking at the beautiful Cecilia because she is so beautiful and said I should go after her, which I thought was strange, because she is so far out of my league. Tom is also a sedevacantist, but he is not a Feeneyite. Tom will also talk about the antichrists in Rome, and he will not call him Francis, but always Bergoglio this, and Bergoglio that. But I love him also. Tom is sick with cancer, though when I see him he always looks good, though sometimes he can not walk so well.

Then there are other friends. Cora is one. She is always praying. And she has strange beliefs about health and sickness and she is pious but she is not a sedevacantist. Very much not so, she thinks they are bad people and she is a loyal SSPX supporter. Pray for our priests, she says. She is always praying. She moved to Kentucky and then to West Virginia. Her dream is to live near an SSPX Church in Oregon where she will be able to go to daily Mass and get last rites and be buried. She is a belle.

And then there are old acquaintances. I once had two girlfriends. The first one was named Mellonie. I do not know how she is doing. She was from Hong Kong. For a while after we broke up. I broke up with her. For a while after we broke up we kept in touch. I would email her every year on her birthday and at Christmas, and she would email me on my birthday. And some times we would meet up at a diner somewhere. Last year she did not email me on my birthday. Or on Christmas. So I did not want to push and did not email her on Christmas, or this year on her birthday. I have fond memories of her, though I did not treat her well. Not that I abused her.

The other girlfriend was named Stephanie. I do not remember her fondly. If I could I would erase her from my life. It was a disaster. An avalanche. And then after her I went crazy. I do not keep in touch with her. She has an Instagram but I do not look at it.

Then I have my old muse. I used to have a crush on her and then a few years ago found out she was an online person so I look at some of her posts. I was really obsessed with her for a while. We do not talk, but I look at her Instagram. She is sad lately. And I can do nothing to help her.

Then I guess I could mention two people I used to work with. Matthew and Andrea. They are married. They worked with me and my old muse a long time ago. I mentioned them because I met them two times last year and we had a good time. But we haven't spoken much since so I can not count them as friends.

Of the people who I think wish me the best, I can count my Church friends. Firstly Julian and Tom, but also Cora and Karen and Barbara and Chris and the other Tom. And then there is our priest, Carl S, who calls me on the phone to talk sometimes now that we have no Mass.

When the world goes back to normal again I will go to confession and confess my sins. I have one old one and one new one, I hope not mortal. But I feel as if I have God's grace. I am not scrupulous anymore. I used to worry more when I was a new Christian, but now I feel as if God is my friend, and not my slave-master.

And then there are internet friends. I talk to people on the internet. Perhaps I could count Robert and Chris as friends. For a while I talked to Chris about things that were important, but we haven't talked much lately. And Robert has always been nice to me and read my stories.

So I do not have a lot of friends, and I have no wife or girlfriend and no prospects. I am too old anyway to start a romantic relationship. And I do not really want one as I do not think I am fit for being a husband or a father. So be it. But the touch of a woman gives sensual pleasure. I did like it when a woman would kiss me or run her hands through my hair.

And then there are my heavenly friends. First of all  there is Gemma, who has been the saint I have been most devoted to since I became religious. I speak to her all the time. And then there is the Cure of Ars and Padre Pio, and then of course the Blessed Mother who I pray to. And Jesus is my friend. A friend of God, I am a friend of God. Am I? I hope so. I want to be.

I do not feel lonely, having so few friends. I am happy. I have my family. But perhaps if I had more friends I would be happier? Or a wife? But they would have to be Church friends and not secular ones. But my Church is not big. Perhaps I could become friends with the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia. Perhaps, but I doubt it. I am friendly with some people, but not the pretty young girls.

So I hope my old muse is happy soon. Things fall apart. I do not want things to go badly with her. I would be sad.

In This Life

In this life there is no purgatory; it is either hell or paradise; for to him who serves God truly, every trouble and infirmity turns into consolations, and through all kinds of trouble he has a paradise within himself even in this world: and he who does not serve God truly, and gives himself up to sensuality, has one hell in this world, and another in the next.
-St. Philip Neri

A quote taken from another blog.

Pork Shoulder

Back from Church. No Mass, but got to look at Jesus for a while. My father was kind enough to drive me again. And mom came. The girl is cooking dinner tonight. Pork shoulder. She did it a week ago, and liked it enough to do it again. I was thinking about making swordfish steaks. I never ate swordfish. I do like cooking. The best is making soup. I like keeping the vegetables and chicken scraps in the freezer, then taking out the big stock pot and boiling it all for hours. Us being together as a big family is good and bad. It is nice having a nice big meal together, but I am eating common food and not my rice and lentils.

Just a record of my thoughts. And my dreams. And my wishes. Thank you for reading.

Girls

I think a lot about life. My life is happy. I have my routines. During the pandemic I have become a drunkard. Not literally. But I have gone against the AA teaching that one can never have a drink because it will always lead to the loss of the soul to the demons of the liquor. But who are the important people in my life? I titled this post "girls" because I like girls. I have no girl in my life. I am insignificant. There is not a girl in this world who cares about me or who shows me favor.

There are girl saints in heaven who I communicate with. And I have a girl who used to be my muse for a while but we never talk, though she posts things online. But no girl thinks about me always, loves me, and cares for me and would be sad if I died today.

I am an old man and I am poor. It is good that I am happy with little, because I will never have more.

But it is strange. In late 2018 and early 2019 I had my muse who I thought about and wrote my stories about and obsessed over, though not with lust, but that is over and now I only have the saints.

It has been a long time since I have been to Mass, so I do not see the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia and the other girls at Church. I hope to see them again soon. We are not friends, as I am with Julian and angry Tom, but I love seeing them with grace.

I think a lot about life. It is good that there are so many birds. I could be happy even with only sparrows and pigeons, the ugly rock doves. There is something beautiful about birds. When I think about animals, and how animals are beautiful and people are ugly. It has to be because animals are innocent and people are defiled with sin. A sinful man should be uglier than any animal, while a just man should be more beautiful than any animal. For those with eyes to see. I say this as a schizophrenic whose first fall into craziness was to think I could see peoples' sins and was repulsed by them. Perhaps it is a gift and not a delusion.

If you want to be my friend, please send me a message. I could use more friends. I have a couple of friends and then there are other people. To have someone to save you or someone for you to save. In this world of pain. Gemma is my friend, but she has never visited her. I only love her and hope she loves me. And I never hear a word from my muse, but that is on the razor's edge. And Mellonie, I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. I am dust to her. But I love the good God. Happy birthday.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.

Regina Coeli

Remember, O Most gracious Virgin Maria, that never was it known that anyone who ever fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left forsaken. Inspired by this confidence I fly unto thee O Virgin Maria. To thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate despise not my petitions, but in thy clemency hear me and answer me. Amen.

I got mail today. The March / April issue of The Epoch Times. "Truth and Tradition". I never bought it. They just got my address and mailed one to me, hoping I would like it and subscribe. I see ads for their paper on Youtube. They seem to be anti-communist. I believe they are owned by members of the Falun Gong religion that is suppressed by the Chinese government. From the ads, they seem to be right-leaning and conspiratorial. I will read it and see if it is good, but will not subscribe. I also got the Regina Coeli report. It is about seeing God in nature. There is a picture of cute children looking at a praying mantis and another picture of a cute girl holding a monarch butterfly on her hand and cute children looking at it in awe. I have been seeing God in nature. In the mourning doves and the sparrows. A few butterflies and bees but there will be more of them in a month or two.

For what it's worth. Our family is holding up together during the quarantine. We do our things and come together in the evening for dinner. Mom has me lead the blessing before meals. I enjoy cooking. Especially making soup. I enjoy making soup more than perhaps any other kind of food. I save the scraps of the onions and the carrots and the celery we use and the stems of the parsley and keep them in the freezer until I have a big bag and I boil them until the broth is brown. Sometimes I add chicken, and of course some bay leaves and salt, maybe some thyme. We had a turkey for Mother's Day so my brother wants me to boil the carcass into turkey stock. Why not? Would that work? Why not? What type of soup would that be?

I really like watching vespers at noon. Really listening as there is nothing to watch, just a dozen monks standing and singing in a bare room. But the singing is very calming. Even though I do not know enough Latin to understand most of their prayers. I know it is vespers. Lately they are chanting the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary near the end.

For three Sundays in a row my father drove me to Holy Innocents in the city. They have the Church open with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. So I like to go and look at Jesus. He looks at me. My favorite prayer is just looking at Jesus in the monstrance. And at home I look at my pictures of Gemma. You become like the things and the people you look at. So if you are always looking at Jesus you become like Jesus. If you are always looking at pictures of Gemma you become like Gemma. If you are always looking at the devil's tabernacle you become like the devil. I don't see how anyone can save his soul while watching television. Even if all he watches is EWTN. I recently read an account of a miracle and a conversion. Someone was watching television trying to go to the pornography channel but instead he saw Mother Angelica. He kept changing the channel and no matter what channel he went to he saw Mother Angelica. And he started listening to her and he converted and became a Catholic. But you become like what you look at. So take custody of your eyes and only look at the good and the beautiful. Or if you do look at the ugly and the wicked, be careful to look at the good before and after to prepare yourself and to heal. An hour or two in front of Jesus in the monstrance can last a whole week! Who needs to receive Communion in your mouth if you can receive Him with your eyes!

I feel like I am benefiting from the quarantine spiritually. I appreciate Jesus more now that he is hidden from me. I cannot go to Communion, but I can love Jesus in the world and invisibly where I know He is in the Church that is locked, and then once a week where I can see Him, even though I can not receive Him. One only has to receive Jesus one time in one's life and it can last and give graces forever. Mary of Egypt repented of her sins and went to confession and received Communion one time and fled into the desert. She lived alone for fifty years and became the greatest of saints because of that one Communion. And then God sent a priest to her in the desert and he gave her one last Communion and on the day she received Him she died and went to heaven. If one receives often one would think one would become holier, but often one becomes complacent. I think I am better off now being unable to receive. I feel I am doing better and being nicer. And I am praying more and helping out my family more and doing what I am told. I am one of those Jansenists who think people receive Communion too often and that it would be better if Communion happened privately and not during Mass when everyone feels pressured to go up whether or not they are well disposed. One can say, well Pope Pius X was a saint and he promoted frequent Communion so it must be good, but as soon as he promoted it the Church fell apart and many of her members descended into depravity. But I am not really a Jansenist. I once was one, I believe. For at times in my despair While I was a new convert and the devil was attacking me and burning me I felt as if I was a sinner and that I had no free will but everything I did was controlled by the devil and I could do no good no matter what because the devil was pulling my strings. I guess that is one of the Jansenist ideas.

Of all the things I hope happen because of the quarantine, I hope people will appreciate Jesus more in the Eucharist, and Church in general. And I hope people will become less materialistic. BUt that is not likely if they watch the devil's tabernacle or netflix. Oh well. My parents have a television in our house. I hate it. I never watch it. Sometimes they leave it on after they leave the living room and I turn it off.

My mother does not like classical music. When we go in the car I like putting on one of the two classical music stations but she was complaining today and turned it off. How can someone not like classical music? It was a good song too, I don't know the name, but it was beautiful. It is probably because she watches television.

I feel often like I am alone. I am a sheep but where is the shepherd? I see Jesus in the monstrance, He is my shepherd. But He is my Godly shepherd, where is my human shepherd. I go to Church and at Church there is a priest, Father S who hears my confession. Yes, he is my shepherd. But I am alone now. He is not saying Mass. He called me twice and I was happy to speak with him, but he has never visited my house with Jesus.

When I watch the monks sing the office every day at noon, sometimes I wish I was with them. I live with my family and my mind is broken so I can not join them and if I did I am sure there would be struggles, but it seems like a nice life. To be taken care of and to be always before Jesus. These monks pray before the monstrance often. They are Benedictines who wear black habits. I do not know what kind of work they do but I like reading their blog and listening to them chant.

I hope people become less materialistic. Money is the ring. Greedy people. I do not need many things. I have a computer and my pictures of Gemma, and I need a little food, and I like coffee and diet soda and beer. That is a lot of things already. But I feel happy. I do not need a lot of money. I would be happy to live a completely subsistence lifestyle where I was not in danger of starvation, but had no excess, and just lived a quiet, happy life, as I do now. I am so lucky to have my family to help take care of me.

While I was walking today I saw a young girl about seven or eight years old wearing shorts and a tee shirt. She was twerking, if that is the right word. I looked at her face. She looked like she was very cold. Such a young one.

When I was at fire Island this summer we were in my uncle's house and they saw the rocket man, a man who flew up in the air from the sea on a rocket of propelled water and they watched him fly. My father took a video. Rocket man.