Raid: Shadow Legends

If you watch Youtube in your spare time as I do, you may have seen advertisements for a game called "Raid: Shadow Legends". I see it all the time. It is a video game you play on your phone, and now you can play it on your computer as well. Curious, I looked for information about it. Apparently it is made by a company owned by a casino company. The game is terrible, but they pay people who own popular Youtube channels thousands of dollars to promote their game in addition to buying Youtube advertising. If you play the game they say you are constantly asked to spend real money to buy upgrades and items for your video game characters. This makes it very hard to do good in the game without buying things with real money. For example, to get a powerful sword you can pay 20 dollars, or you can go around playing the game, fighting monsters for three days in hopes of finding that sword. Often when you buy upgrades to your weapons it is random, as in you have a one in five chance of upgrading your item and if you do not get lucky the money is wasted. It seems like a real scam. And the game is also not supposed to be very good or fun, though it may be addictive. I watched a few people speaking about how the game is terrible and how the company offered them thousands of dollars to promote the game, but they declined. The advertisements I see are cringe-worthy.

A Lightning Bug

As my father was driving us to Church in the city Sunday morning (Holy Innocents) we were in the car when I saw a lightning bug on the inside of the car window. How did it get in the car in the morning. I thought they were nocturnal as I never see them during the day. It would seem that it must have gotten into the car the night before, gotten stuck inside and survived the night and then coming out when we got in the car in the morning. I opened the window and the bug crawled around on the window for a while. Then, finally the bug started flying and flew out of the window into the air of the world. I am the light of the world.

Another omen.

A Nightmare

Sometimes the devils visit me in my dreams. Or at least it seems they do. Two nights ago I was awoken by a nightmare. All I remember is that I was being tortured and that the torture was devils stomping on my testicles. I felt a great deal of pain in the dream as if it were real. Since I used to record my dreams I thought to record this one as it was frightening.

Three Omens

Today there were three omens.

The first was as I was walking on my first walk. As I reached the end of our block I saw a swallowtail butterfly. It flew away down the avenue towards the Church without landing on any flowers and went away. I always think of this as the Mary butterfly. It was not the first I have seen this season.

The second was later on in the walk. As I reached the place where there was the body of a dead bird, and it has been there for several days, not yet decomposed, the cats must have better food to eat, I heard the falcon cry out and I looked up and saw him, we have falcons who like to sit at the top of our Church's steeple, and the falcon had a dead animal in his claws. I could not tell if it was a squirrel or a smaller bird, but he was carrying some form of prey. He flew up into a pine tree and all of the other birds were squawking. Crying out in fear or to warn other birds of the danger.

The third was as I was walking to Church later in the day. I saw a monarch butterfly flying away in the same direction as the earlier butterfly, going off towards Church. I always think of this as the Jesus butterfly and it was the first one I have seen this season. I guess they come around later in the summer though I do not know.

The Church bells are ringing as I write this. Three-thirty bells. What do these three omens mean? The falcon is a prince of the birds, and the butterflies are beautiful. I once saw one of the falcons in the woods, as my father and I were walking through the woods to go to the place where my brother died in the winter time in the woods, and the falcon had a dead squirrel in his claws and he walked away with the squirrel as we went near.

In this world of fire.

A Woman

I find it is easier for me as a man to love a woman than to love a man. So I find it more natural to love Mother Mary than to love Jesus. Or even to love a lesser creature, my Gemma. I love Jesus also, but I do not feel it as much. As much as I love Our Mother or my Gemma.

This is a strange picture that I really like. It is so very strange, but I like strange things. It reminds me of The Glories of Mary. I just finished talking with Julian a few minutes ago. My best friend. He is sad because he lost his favorite aide at the nursing home. Her name is Latoya.

I am listening to an interview with a very young priest of the SSPX who is about to become the District Superior of Canada. It just started. I hope it is good. It is how I am spending my evening tonight. He looks younger than me. But he went through schooling. Right now they are going into Baptism of Desire type ideas in relation to separated brethren and partial communion.

I lately have been praying more. I should pray even more. I love praying. But I might get tired of it if I did it too much. I have vague wishes that I were a monk. Something which is not possible because of my infirmities. But I would love to be a brother in some little monastery somewhere where they prayed the old office and Mass. There are not a lot of them so they can be picky. No crazies. I can be like Saint Benedict Joseph Labre. A crazy who loves God very much. 

Often I look at pictures of a girl named Danica. She posts pictures and videos of herself smoking cigarettes on Instragram. I used to know her and had a big crush on her. A penny for the world. I would rather have. A penny for the world. The interview is interesting. A little girl.

Tomorrow I am going to the indult Mass again. It is better than no Mass. A long time ago I was of the opinion that one should not go to the indult Mass but it was okay to go to the Eastern Rites. But now after four months of no Mass I am okay with the indult. They are compromised priests I guess. But as I think they are valid, Jesus is really there.

The Belle of My Heart. The interview. The interviewer is trying to square the circle of magesteriums. I do not know if it is true, but I once heard that the idea of the "magisterium" and the "ordinary magisterium" was invented by a supposedly conservative theologian who happened to have sexual affairs with nuns in the times of Pius IX. Brides of Christ. 

The times are fleeing. The interviewer is talking about Athanasius Schneider who he interviewed, that is high profile. And now he is asking about it. The priest is trying to defend themselves. Comparing Lefebvre to St Thomas More. The interviewer is sympathetic to the priest, talking about how the sodomites are all accepted but only the SSPX are reviled.

So the milk of Mary. I do not know. The Belle of My Heart. I do not know. To love her I know, but all I want is . . . .

After Mass today we ate. Mom and dad came, Mom went to Mass with me. On the way back to the car a crazy black woman started yelling at me. She said something like "Do you own the Duane Reade? Do you won the Walgreens. No! You ain't own nothing." Then she walked away. I had no idea what she was yelling at me about or why she was yelling.

Simeon

"Listen to me. It is in silence that I speak to souls. Those who flee silence will never hear my voice. Encourage silence and practice it yourself with a renewed dedication, for it is in silence that the Holy Spirit descends, and it is in silence that He works in souls, bringing them to holiness of life, and to the perfection that I desire for each one."

So I finished reading my book, In Sinu Jesu. It was a nice read. I will read it again. It was not the best book I have ever read. The main point of the book was that Jesus likes it when we go to pray before the Blessed Sacrament and that if more people do so with love, the Church will grow strong again. I wish there were more to it, a journal of around 260 pages, but it was comforting to read.

In these times of peace and of calamity I am feeling well for myself. Because of my family I have peace. Without them I would be sad. But none of them listen to me. I am the only believer (well my mother believes a somewhat but not as crazily as I do). Often I think to myself that I am alone. I am the only person I know who wants to love God, and everyone else in my life is a devil worshiper. And I am probably a devil worshiper myself, but am fooling myself. I don't know. But nobody listens to me.

I do not understand why the Novus Ordo exists. I wish it would be wiped off the face of the earth. It is like drinking poison that does not taste good. I consider it valid. But not in a good way. Valid as if a priest walked in to a bakery and pronounced the words of consecration over the bread there and then walked home. Some may say it must be good because it comes from the Church. I don't know. Perhaps Julian is right and it is just bread, or even the body of the devil.

"It's good to be inspired by the saints and by others. Sometimes it's good to imitate some of their actions or devotions. But you are not them, you are you. You are called to be holy in a way no one else is, even if certain things are similar."

This is a quote from a Catholic twitter personality. It reminds me of Saint Simeon Stylites who lived as a hermit atop a pillar and was later copied by other hermits. Imagine walking from one city to the next and seeing three Catholic hermits living on top of pillars, spending their lives in prayer and loving God until they were struck by lightning.

So am I fooling myself? Am I a fool. I want to be good. Am I beyond redemption? Is it too late? I know I have done bad. But am I beyond salvation? Am I alive? Or am I dead, being a corpse who only thinks he is alive, but is being animated by necromancy beyond all hope of redemption? Am I a zombie. I don't know. Cry? When crazy I remember I thought I was a vampire and that my parents had turned me into a vampire. Imagine thinking that while being schizo. I have crazy fits sometimes.

I was disappointed today (Saturday). I went to the local Church for Eucharistic Adoration, but it was not to be. Instead they had the vigil Novus Ordo, which I do not like. I must call the office to see when they have EA and benediction now which I love. I would be happy if I had a traditional Mass, daily, with benediction every night. But I am happy enough.

Today is Sunday (I started writing this yesterday) Went to the indult with mom. A high Mass. I saw some people I knew but did not speak to them today. Mom lit a lot of candles. I hope our SSPX Mass comes back soon in our little rented room.

I decided to stop praying the Rosary in Latin, and go on praying it in English. It seems more humble that way. I should be littler.

Just because I love her, this is my favorite Holy Card. Last year I printed out ten of them and gave them to friends from Church and my brother.

Pop Music

So dad and mom and I went to visit Michael in Philly. Dad drove there. There was one bad thing. On the trip down and then again back up my Father was playing pop music. Mostly the 50s and 60 stations on the satellite radio. Especially since I got out of the hospital I hate pop music. It is the devil's music. In my mind pop culture, especially TV and music is of the devil almost completely. The point of it is to turn all the youth into sodomites, fornicators, and onanists. And the destruction it has left in its wake is unprecedented. And of course the Church put up no defense against the onslaught, instead going along with it, giving a hundred million Catholics over to the devil for fear of seeming reactionary, or else because they were also devils. They even held dances with this filth being played while the youth got together and got drunk, high, and fornicated. And went to confession in the morning without true repentance, followed by sacrilegious communions. I don't know, but it makes my skin crawl to hear it. There and back. I did not speak up, ad my father would get angry. When I go out with my mother I play the classical music station or turn off the radio. At least that does not have sinful lyrics about lusting after young girls.

But we got to see Michael. He wants to make pop music. Alas.

I spoke to my therapist today. We had a nice conversation, but nothing important was discussed. Just a routine session. I like talking to her and she helps me.

So I hate pop music like most media. Of the devil, but nobody cares. So I speak to myself, everyone is a devil. And no one takes me seriously. i hope I am good and that one day I get to go to heaven. But I fear if I do get there I will be alone. I don't think a lot of people from my generation and especially my parents generation will be saved. And if I am saved, that would be a neat miracle.

At my local Novus Ordo Church, something interesting is going on. The last two times I went there to pray before the tabernacle, they had four Prie Dieus set up where there used to be an altar rail. I can only presume that the priest there is encouraging Communion to be taken while kneeling, on the tongue. I know the administrator knows how to say the Latin Mass and likes to celebrate Mass Ad Orientem. So our parish is bacoming one of the conservative ones. I hope they will have more Latin Masses soon. I attneded one in the parish, only one. And after the fact I learned that there were others.

I have to say that there has to be a Church somewhere until the end of time.