The Perilous Realm

I think about my mental illness sometimes. I think it is not a defect, but a positive. I find I live between the real world and the perilous realm of demons and angels and dryads and nymphs and unicorns and fairies. Often I think that what we call the real world is only dust and dreams or for some nightmares. And what matters is the other world, the perilous realm. The world of demons and miracles where everything we do has eternal consequences and where the faith can move mountains and the spells of witches can cause sickness and death and the angels can cure them.

Often I think that before Christ came the demons had more power in the world and the perilous realm was closer to the real world and there were more links between it. But after the Crucifixion the perilous realm faded. But some people see it more than others. I have only seen glimpses. I can sense it more than see it. I am not that gifted and I am not practiced in the arts, except for wandering alone with no master, or alone except for my angel and the saints and God who look over me.

We all live in both realms at the same time but we can usually only see ourselves in the real world. But in the other realm we are slaying dragons or carrying the one ring to the fire mountain, or more likely fighting in Sauron's army.

Downy Woodpecker

 On my walk today I saw a Chinese lady with a blue and green parrot on her shoulder drying laundry on a clothes line. She waved to me and I waved back. And on the tree in my back yard I heard a knocking and I knew it was a woodpecker. But it was not the red-headed woodpecker I am used to seeing. It was a black-headed one new to me. It is apparently a downy woodpecker. There are some in New York but this is the first time I noticed one. All the previous woodpeckers I have seen in trees near my house have had red heads.

"Aurora" or "Dawn"

I do not think I blogged about my new pet goldfish. I bought her in mid-September. I asked on Cathinfo for advice about a name. Someone said to call her "Aurora" or "Dawn". I thought that was nice, so now she is named "Aurora" or "Dawn."

I have had bad luck with fish in the past, with them often dying. I hope that is not the case with "Aurora". I have one fish. One is enough. The pet store owner said in my tank I should not have more than one goldfish so one it is.

She swims back and forth. I purchased a set of Greek columns for her to swim around and hide under so there will be a prop. She swims for me, but often she hides behind the heater, which is currently the only obstacle in the tank. I hope soon she will hide behind the columns and look like a pretty little girl. When the columns arrive I will take another picture and put it on my blog.

Sweet "Aurora". How I love to watch you eat the little flakes I offer to you. How you swim around so swiftly to give thanks to the good God for creating you. Only for a moment, only for a moment, but your life in finitude is more devoted to Our Lord than the life of Saint Francis in infinity. Because as a fish everything you ever did and ever will do will be in accordance with the will of God but even the greatest of Saints, except for Our Lady, is guilty of sin, so their lives were not completely conformed to the will of the good God like the life of "Aurora."

Prayer

I pray less now, but I pray more. I find myself always thinking about God or holy things. My natural state is to pray subconsciously. When I walk I like to sing to myself the Salve Regina. It comes to me naturally. But people are always telling me to learn prayers and say prayers. That is beyond me. I pray. Does it matter the words that one says when one prays, if one is praying to the good God and not the demons? Is prayer merely opening up one's heart to God and one's vulnerable heart to the redeemer. They say when you stare into the abyss, the abyss looks back. But it is even more true that when you stare at the good God, the good God looks back. But you do not always see him. If your heart is flesh and blood you see him and he sees you. But if your heart is stone you look but do not see, you cry out but are not answered.

What I said is not always true. It is just me thinking.

Eucharistic Adoration has become important for me now. I like to look at Jesus. I believe he is there. I pray "Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart."

I will go now.

I have my prayer book with my morning and evening prayers and sometimes I pray the Angelus and I pray my Rosary and three Hail Marys in the morning for me, for another, and for another. Those are my prayers. The rest are unscripted. But know I try to always think of the good God. Not always, but often. I often think of him. Often.

Crows Bathing

As I was walking I was listening for birds and saw a lot of sparrows bathing in the dirt (I don't know why they do that). Then I decided to go to the park. It used to be called Jackson Pond. There are benches and a fountain that shoots water high up into the ground only to fall back down into a pool. I often see birds bathing there. I found a stone on the ground and placed it in the pool. Then I sat upon a bench below a trees full of turning red leaves and looked at the fountain and the pool.

In the distance I saw birds flying into the trees. Not the rock doves which are always flying around in packs or resting on the apartment buildings. These were black. Were they starlings? Or were they crows? Then suddenly all of them came flying towards me and towards the pool. Hundreds of them. Crows more crows than I have ever seen before and they were all coming towards me. Almost more birds than I have ever seen birds before. They swooped down in to the pool and started bathing. There were a sparrow or two among them as if inviting them into their pool. The sparrows are always there. The crows took turns in groups bathing in the pool and drinking. Some of the crows had little balls in their beaks that looked like eyeballs. They were not purely black but their feathers were colored with blues and pinks and purples and reds as if they were covered with oil and shining in the sun. When some of the crows were done bathing they flew into the tree above me and others came to drink and to bathe. After a while, several waves the crows started flying away.

I kneeled down to pray the Angelus and as I was on my knees the last of the crows flew away. Then I walked home. I sung the magpie song. It was a very spiritual song. I never knew there were so many crows around. Crows are  birds of ill omen. But I did not feel any fear. They were just birds who live in the city, which I did not know there were so many. Now I have seen them bathe and drink at the fountain.