A Dream of Hell

 I have two sedevacantist friends. One is named Julian. He is blind and has diabetes. The other is Tom. He has the cancer. I talk to them and they talk to each other. Julian and Tom had a falling out because Julian told Tom not to use bad language and Tom thought there was nothing wrong with it.

Julian had a dream that Tom was falling into hell and was asking Julian to help him. And Julian told him to stop using bad language. So now Julian thinks Tom is bad for using curse words, not blasphemies or using the Lord's name in vain, but common dirty words. And he is in mortal sin and will go to hell if he does not stop using them.

Anyway yesterday was my birthday. My father got me a computer. It was cheap. But it is good. It has a backlit keyboard and a touch screen. But it only cost 309 dollars. Computers are cheap now. It is a chromebook, so it is a budget computer. I am glad. My old computer still works except that the keyboard is broken. Not the whole keyboard, but some of the keys. I am listening to a lot of Dr. Matthew Raphael Johnson's radio shnows. I like him. He is Russian Orthodox. A priest of on of the more conservative jurisdictions that is not in communion with many of the other ones. He had a religious crisis and investigated all the Christian Churches. He went to St. Marys and talked to the SSPX. And he thought the Novus Ordo was a joke. But he decided that the Eastern Orthodox were right. The Greeks were right. And later he was ordained a priest. He says everything you know about the world or history is wrong.

I hope Tom is not in disgrace. I love Tom and Julian both. I wish they would not argue. 

Custodian of Tradition

 So I went to Church today for the first time since the end of the world. The world ended on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Friday. Francis abrogated the Latin Mass. Sort of. It seems it will be allowed on a small scale for a while, but hopefully the fools who like it will die out and then there will be nothing but the glory of the Novus Ordo. Someone was saying that trads are stupid and idolize the Latin Mass. But I say those people do not have a religion. They just slavishly obey the pope's orders with no religion. No belief. No liturgy, No cosmology. No morality. Just do what the Pope says. That is all. I want to follow Christ, not the demon Francis. Like the people say that you can know nothing for yourself, except to slavishly follow the magisterium. Like someone on Suscipe Domine, who also contradictorilly claims to admire the Jansenists. But he is an obvious shill. Though an amusing one. Even St. Paul told people to hold to tradition and if anyone, even an angel from heaven, were to say otherwise, let him be anathema. Even demon Francis.

People say that after Vatican I and up until Vatican II, the laity came to worship the Pope and the priests. Whatever the Pope said was from God and whatever the priest said was from God. They were infallible. Now we see the failure of this idea. We have clergy with no faith who are Communists and sodomites who hate God and his holy Church. As one person said, if my priest said I could cheat on my wife, I could cheat on her without sin. As John Zmirak said a while ago on twitter, his priest would hold a bingo party and would give everyone a bologna sandwich but it was a Friday. So he would say, don't worry, I give you all a dispensation, you can eat meat today without sin. 

I go to an SSPX Mass. So we do not obey. When the Novus Ordo Mass came out, Lefebvre said, "Well, we'll keep saying the Old Mass, right?" Indeed. Father Sulzen gave a sermon where he talked about the Moto Proprio, and said we will keep the faith, and we will. Nobody cares, but I do. I hate the Novus Ordo and hope it dies. Even someone like Matt Walsh who works for Ben Shapiro, was talking about how they have this Latin Mass that all the young people love and really believe in, while the Novus Ordo is only attended by lackluster boomers. Wouldn't the Pope like to go with what the hopeful enthusiastic young people care for? Of course not. They hate God and his holy Mass. I hope people do not lose faith and come to the SSPX and things go well.

I think things will get serious. They will end the diocesan Latin Masses and all the trads will go to the SSPX or the sedevacantists with no choice (other than going to the Novus Ordo or the Eastern Rites.) And when everyone is in the SSPX, the Pope devil will excommunicate the SSPX and all who go to their Masses. And the shills will talk about how we have to obey the pope, and how if one follows the Pope it is impossible to lose the faith or salvation, and to still go to the Latin Mass is an act of disobedience. Go to hell. I would much rather live with Blaise Pascal than with people like him. 

The Sin Parade Day

 Today was the pride March. It is rightly named as pride is the deadliest of the deadly sins and sodomy is considered by some saints to be the worst sin so that sodomites suffer greater pains in hell than any other sinners. The flag is the rainbow. The rainbow was a sign of God's covenant with Noah after the flood. It is used ironically by the gays because the reason for the flood according to some was because the world had fallen into the embrace of sodomy and gay marriage. Spit in the face of God. What does a rainbow have to do with sodomy? Shit is brown and blood is red.

Of course I went into the city today to go to Church. Our Mass is in a building in Soho now and not in the Soldiers and Sailor's Club anymore. They sold that building. Mass was beautiful, as it always is. There were so many people in the subway with rainbows and half naked. So many young people. When I was in school the worst insult was to call someone "gay" and now they are all celebrating it. Everyone is brainwashed. I wish one day a real rain would come and wash all this scum off the streets. 

I don't think things look good for New York City. I see it falling back into racial strife and crime. I hope my neighborhood stays safe. It has always been safe. I was never mugged or approached or even bothered by a stranger in all my life here. My father was robbed once on 110th street coming home from work in the ninetees when crime was worse than it has been lately.

After Mass Louis was there so we went out to get real food. When he is not there we get donuts and coffee. When he is there we go get real food. Today we went to a pizza place called Marinara. I had a chicken roll and some garlic bread. Bishop Williamson and Father Hewko came up. And me and Louis spoke about Steve Skojec and Taylor Marshall and how Louis thought Marshall was more popular but I argue that Steve was popular as well. They were called grifters. Both of them make six figures off of donations from Catholics, but we both agreed that Marshall has a better show. Someone wants to move to Portugal. Where the dogma of the faith will always be preserved. Houses are cheap there, so they say.

Coming home on the subway a girl was passed out on the train. I was thinking about waking her up because I thought she had slept and passed her stop. But I let her be. When my stop came she woke up and got out. I watched her. She went down and under and went back up the stairs to go to the train going back the other way. She had missed her stop. Nighty night.

Fasting Again

 I have gained a lot of weight since this covid nonsense started. I have been eating more, and also drinking beer. So I decided to stop and lose weight again. Actually the weight gain really began when I got out of the hospital almost two years ago, but it got worse since covid. I ate more, and stopped going out for my two daily walks during the winter.

So now I started going on my two daily walks again. And starting yesterday I am fasting. It will be slow going, as I do not have the will built up yet. The immediate goal is to eat two meals a day, not counting tea. A half of a tuna melt, or alternatively two pieces of toast with butter and jam, at noon time. And a normal dinner, whatever I make for my family at night. I am not going to eat a separate meal of rice and lentils as I did the last time I fasted. But that is for now, I may switch as time goes on. On Sundays I will not fast, and sometimes I will allow myself to take some beer. But still eat less than I normally would.

On day one I did well. I had my two meals and took a little extra food in between meals as I got hungry. But even though I had a little extra, it was a little enough amount of food that if I continued to eat that way I would lose weight. Today, day two, I also took a little extra food. But a little less than yesterday. And I will be having a light dinner. In time, I will get less hungry and be able to eat less food. Who knows, in time I may have the will to eat only one meal, at night, and not have my half a tuna melt in the morning. But I will not do this quickly, as recently I bought a lot of cans of tuna from the internet so I have at least a month's worth to eat before it is gone. Perhaps the goal will be to reduce the amount of food until I am ready to eat only one meal when I run out of cans of tuna. So it is going well so far. I hope the will to fast does not go away. I was able to sustain it for half a year the first time, hopefully the same will happen again.

And I started taking my two daily walks. Yesterday I saw a falcon soaring and an oriole sitting high up in a tree and singing. I love seeing uncommon birds. The common birds in my neighborhood are mourning doves which are my favorite birds, sparrows, pigeons, starlings, mockingbirds, and robins. Sometimes I see gold finches, cardinals, blue jays, and woodpeckers. There are also the hawks who often rest atop the steeple of the Church a block and a half away from our house. And of course there are the grackles who live in South Richmond Hill on the way to St. Benny's. But I have stopped walking to St. Benny's for Benediction since covid so I haven't seen them recently. I should find out if they have Benediction again over there so I could go on Thursdays as I used to go. And of course there are the songbirds who live in the bird store on Atlantic Avenue which I go past on my walks. There are other birds whose names do not come to my mind but they are not as common as those I named.

I have been bringing my best friend Julian food on Fridays. I bring him tuna salad sandwiches with celery and cucumbers and lettuce with no cheese. He wants a specific type of bread from Trader Joe's called Ezekiel Bread. I bought it once for him. But we do not eat it so it will go bad every week if I continue to buy it for him. Perhaps I will just give him the whole loaf when I bring the sandwiches to him on Fridays. I would get him the bread every week, but I can not always get a ride to Trader Joe's and it is a long walk or 5.50 for the bus fare. Julian is a charity case. I am always buying him things and he doesn't pay me back very much. For every ten dollars I spend on him he gives me one dollar back. But I don't mind. I have nothing to spend my money on anyway. I guess I could give more money to Church.

And I have started taking my cold showers again. It does strengthen the will so it goes well with fasting. And I have decided to say more prayers. Be sure to pray the whole Little Office every day except for Sunday and the Office of the Dead at night before I go to bed. And the Rosary which I always pray. Sunday is a Holiday. I go into the city for Church and after Mass we talk foe a while with my friends. There is a new man at Church named Raymond. He introduced himself to me last week, though I had seen him before. He started coming regularly a little earlier in the year. Perhaps next week we will invite him to the Donut Pub after Mass so we can talk about religion. CUP. I was thinking about these things at Church this week and during the Canon I started praying "help me to be more of a monk". So I am eating less and praying more, and having my recreation of my walks. 

I have a problem of talking to myself. Sometimes when I talk to myself I say bad things without really thinking about what I am saying until after it is said. I used to confess this until the priest told me that if it was not intentional it probably was not a sin. I do say bad things. Maybe it is the wickedness spilling over the brim of my wicked heart. But sometimes I say good things as well, does that mean my heart is good? Am I a good tree or a wicked one. Do I bear fruit? 

The Fly

 

Today is Friday. I go to Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction at the local Church. In case Jesus is still there, I go to honor Him. At three I pray the stations in front of the monstrance and then I pray the Rosary. Fifteen decades. There is the fly. The devil comes to bother me for a few moments, buzzing around my ears. I finish praying and go home. At six thirty I go for Benediction. I pray and think and meditate and pray. The fly returns. The devil buzzes around me ears. To and fro, here and there. Just before the ceremony begins, the fly lands on my right hand. I feel him. I do not move. Then the fly goes away, the devil buzzes around my ears. I look at Jesus, if Jesus is still really there. I think He is. Julian does not. Julian once told me that his mother used to go to Benediction and one time she told him that when she looked at the monstrance she did not see the face of Jesus, but instead she saw the face of the devil. I think Jesus is there. But if he is not the devil can not harm me. I am not afraid of the devil. Sometimes I fear God's justice. That I have sinned so much that I cannot be forgiven. But usually I am fine. I pray to Jesus and to Mary and to Gemma.

Being visited by flies as I pray in the Church is a recurring theme. It is never a fly. It is the devil. The Lord of the Flies. He wants to distract me or to make me afraid.

It is something I have been doing since I got out of the hospital. I do not like the Novus Ordo. But I think it is valid. So Jesus is really there. So if I go before Jesus in the tabernacle it is good. And I keep Him company. In the Novus Ordo there are not that many who have the true faith and love Jesus. So I will love Him. But I do not want to go the the Novus Ordo Mass because I think it is bad. So I walk the line. Cross myself as I pass the Church, and genuflect before the tabernacle.

My uncle George is a Russian Orthodox. But he belongs to a strict Church. He is not in Communion with most of the other Churches in Orthodoxy. We went to his granddaughter's baptism at a monastery and he spoke about how he sung at the ceremonies but did not go to Communion because he was not in Communion with the monastery where his granddaughter was baptized. And he thought the schism was getting out of hand and it would be better if all the sects would be in Communion with each other. But not under Rome. It seems all the Orthodox share a distrust of the Pope and Rome.

My uncle's mother just died. She was orthodox. EENS. So she is in hell most likely. I heard on one of the forums that the Orthodox do not have their own version of EENS, so they hold that those outside of orthodoxy might be saved. But they are territorial and prone to schism. Charles Coulombe says that In the West we will accept any amount of heresy but no schism, but in the East they will accept any amount of schism but no heresy. And both halves of what should be the one united Church are meant to be corrective of each other's tendencies. Mithrandylan once said on one of the forums that he used to watch all of Charles Coulombe's lectures with Professor Biersach and he watched hours and hours and he thought they were enlightening, but later on after he became a more knowledgeable Catholic, that he couldn't think of a single important thing he learned from those lectures.

It is the devil. The fly. I do really believe in the devil. I do not want to be a witch but I believe they are real. I do not know what powers witches have, but I think their powers are increased greatly now that there are so few good Christians and so many abortions. As man abandons God, God abandons the people to the witches and the vampires. I do wonder if the end of the world is near. I think it is. But Tom says that the Garabandal warning will come first. But Joey Lomangino died blind. And then the Consecration of Russia and then the period of peace and only then the end of the world. I am not so hopeful. I fear the end is nigh. And the antichrist is here and the mark of the beast is the vaccine or something related to it. I told Tom that I would give him twenty dollars if the Warning happened while we were still alive and together in this valley of tears. The warning. What would you do if you could see the state of your soul as it was before the judgement seat of Jesus Christ? Would you go to confession? Or would you hate God even more. I fear many will hate God even more.

So I am home and tomorrow we are going to the orthodox funeral to pay our respects. In this world of pain. I saw a fly and he landed on my right hand in Church as I was looking at Jesus.

Merry Christmas

 Today is Christmas Day. Went to Church. Mass was in a new location in Soho. As we do not have a real Church, but have Mass in a rented room. There were only about ten people. I think some did not know where it was. The smallest crowd I have ever seen there. But some people moved away. I was wondering where the lovely Helena and her sister Olivia have been as we haven't seen them in a while. They may be home from school. We did not have the normal vestments or chalice or crucifix or all the holy things. Father brought a travelling Mass kit with him to say Mass. We tried to sing the Alma Redemptoris Mater. At first we had trouble, but then after we got going we did a decent job. I remember most of the melody but not the words. So Tom had it written down and we were able to sing it. I don't know why we all know the Salve Regina, but not the other Marian songs.

Now Mom is cooking dinner. I am helping. We are having a turkey. Then we will open our presents.

Subway Troubles

 I was late to Mass today. I got there around the confiteor. But the troubles were after Mass. After Mass we went out and talked for a couple of hours over food and coffee. We like to talk. And then we went to the subway. I got on the 6 at 42nd street and took it to 51st st to get the E. When I got off the E was not stopping at that station. When that happens I sometimes go downtown to catch the J or uptown to catch the R. I went downtown. Got on the 6 and took it to Canal St to transfer to the J. When I got onto the J platform the J was not running on that station. So what now? My plan was to take the R to Queens and then transfer to the E or F. So I saw the N was on the track and the N goes to the R so I ran into the N just before the doors closed. Once on the train, I learned that it was going the wrong way and went over the Manhattan Bridge into Brooklyn. It had already been a long time in my travels. On the next stop I got out and went to the Manhattan-bound side of the station. The Q train came and it is Express so I got on the Q and decided to take it to 63rd st and Lex and transfer there to the F. When I got to 63rd st the E was on it's way as the E was running on the F line and I got on the E. I decided to take the E to Jamaica and then get on the J to go home instead of taking the bus from Union Turnpike. At Continental Avenue the train stopped for ten minutes for some reason. Then it resumed and went to Jamaica. At the station I transferred to the J and it came quickly and soon I was home. The train ride took, from when I first got on the 6 train platform until I got home, about 2 hours and 10 minutes. When all is running well and the E train is running express it takes about 30 minutes. So my adventure was about an hour and forty minute delay. Now I am tired. But it was good to go to Mass and Communion, though I was not able to go to Confession. Hopefully next week.

The Upper Room

 So yesterday we were able to go to our little Mass in the upper room again and not Holy Innocents. Mass is back. I am happy. After Mass six of us went out to get food and talked for a while. I left before everyone else because it was getting late. They are only allowing 25 people in for Mass. Father said if more than 25 people come, he would let the extra people come up after the rest of us left and hear their confessions, give a sermon, and distribute Communion but not say another Mass.

Me and Michael had some beers and talked last night before bed. We think similarly about a lot of things. He is respectful and sympathetic, but he doesn't go to Mass all the time, or the Latin Mass, though he did come with us once a while ago and liked it. We agree about a lot of things. It is like he reads some of the same things and watches the same kind of things as I do. He is five years younger than me.

The election is tomorrow. I plan on drinking Guinness and then going to sleep without following the election. My parents will be watching the election coverage on thee TV so I will avoid them. I hate politics. 

Benediction Again

 I went to the local Church and read the bulletin. It said they had Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction today. This was cancelled for months. So I went. To look at Jesus. If you think Jesus is there in the Novus Ordo. To pray to God. A blessing.

Stigmata

 Yesterday Darius drove me to Church on long Island. With John. Near the Church I saw some grackles. Mass was beautiful.

Last night I had many dreams, but I only remember one. I dreamed I had the stigmata and was looking at the wounds in my hands. My dreams were pleasant, they were not dreams of despair. I am no Padre Pio. I may have mentioned that my uncle's father met Padre Pio and was his driver for a short while in Italy during the war. He saw his wounds.

The gold finches must live near my house, because again I saw them, three or four of them, hanging around by the flowers in our front yard. When I went out and when I came back they greeted me.

On my second walk for the first time in a long time, I saw the grackles down by Liberty Avenue I saw two big ones up in a tall tree. Only two. It was good to see them. I was wondering where they were. 

A Visit From Jesus At Home

Today Father S came to visit Julian and then he came to visit me. He brought in the Blessed Sacrament and put Him on a table with a white cloth he had me prepare. Then he said some prayers and had me say the Confiteor. Then he heard my confession. And then he absolved me. And then he gave me Communion. He broke the host in half because he had to visit another person after me. It was nice. He also blessed some medals and my picture of the Sorrowful Mother.

We talked. He said our living room and dining room combined were about the same size as the place where we used to have Mass in the city (and hopefully will again). They are looking for a new place and hoping for an end or an easing of the virus lockdown so we could have Mass again. He said that maybe we could have Mass at our house. I said I would like that, but not sure about mom and dad. They always used to make fun of my uncle George for having an obscure Russian Orthodox Church in his basement. It would be cool if we had a traditionalist Mass in our living room. But this is not likely. What is likely is that I had Jesus again from my priest. I gave him a donation.

When I go to the indult Mass in the city it just doesn't feel right. Now I think Jesus is also there, just that I have doubts about the priests' orthodoxy and traditionalism, which is why my preferences lie the way they do.

Some people think all Novus Ordo priests ordained in the New Rite are invalid so they avoid them. I do not go to them for confession, but lately I am willing to assume they are valid and receive the Sacraments there out of necessity. But Some people I know are going to the "resistance" chapel up north because of doubts about the validity of one of the priests in Ridgefield. People do not agree. And not only sedes. For a while, though I was never really a sede, I held some of their opinions like that the Novus Ordo did not have true Sacraments. But now I do not. Though I would completely understand refusing to receive the Sacraments from Novus Ordo priests out of the principle on not wanting anything to do with the new "springtime of Vatican II." Blessed be God.

Stolen Car And Cancer.

 My father had surgery for cancer in his kidney. They removed a third of one of his kidneys.

My brother drove here from Philly to be with us. Someone stole his car. My brother has bad luck. Bad things always happen to him.

Went to Church today. Ed told me Tom is in the hospital.

Just to remember. My own life is grand.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

A Book I Bought

There is a blog I read. If you know me, you know that there is a monastery I support and have even made donations to. If you know me I generally support the SSPX. I go to Mass and confession there. But this monastery is not SSPX; it is more like the reform of the reform. They say the old Mass and sing the old office, but under the local Bishop. During the isolation, for a while I watched their livestreams of Mass and vespers until they stopped streaming them.

The monastery is called Silverstream Priory and it is in Ireland and the blog is called Vultus Christi. I discovered it when I was a new traditional Catholic, somewhere between 2008 and 2010. One of the priests there claims to receive revelations from Jesus and Mary that promote Eucharistic Adoration. And he published some of them in a book. I just bought the book and am waiting for it to be mailed to me. Dawn Eden does not like it which is a good sign for me. So I should like it.

It was my favorite blog, with inspiring devotional posts. I would read it and it would often make me cry, especially in my times of despair, and boy did I have times of despair. I am looking forward to reading the book. It has been out for a few years so it is not new, but I only just discovered it. I would expect condemnation from those I know, that monastery is liberal, they are compromisers.

I want to read the book. I hope to read it. And I will probably talk about it on this blog. I do not do much spiritual reading other than my daily prayers. This will be some. If it is anything like the blog I will probably love it. In Sinu Jesu is the name of the book. Even if it is a fraud, I think I will like it.

Our Lady Of La Salette's secrets were placed on the index. "Rome will lose the faith and become the seat of the antichrist" was condemned, yet it is all that is remembered. And it seems to have come true. This book is probably just uncontroversial general piety.

I am looking forward to the book. I have to spend money. I went to the bank today and gave my father some. I pay him rent, but we don't call it that. Money. Money. Money. Some things I just don't understand. Usury.

In SIlence

In silence one will find peace; in much speech one will find much sin.

Something the monk was speaking of was the numerous sins that come from much speech. I know I speak too much. I am an ignorant fool so I should remain silent, yet I speak. It is a weakness. I feel the need to express myself in the hopes of finding understanding. And perhaps to ask for help and to help those who need it. I have this blog where I express my thoughts freely. And I speak to people on the internet in forums and things.

When I think of my sins. Lately, I think the sins I commit most frequently are saying aloud bad thoughts. When I think, it is a peculiarity of my condition, I often say my thoughts out loud. Usually when I am alone. Sometimes I fear that I will say bad things around other people and they will accuse me. But mostly I say bad things when I am alone. I think about things, and thinking leads to me speaking to myself. Father Purdy told me that if I just speak without thinking and do not really mean what I say, and it is just a slip of the tongue, there is no sin. But he also seemed to think I shouldn't be talking to myself, even if it was not sin. As if that was a sign that there was something wrong with me; which I admit is likely to be true.

But it seems like a sin. Surely venial. But to say bad things, even without meaning them. It is like I have a devil in my heart living there and I am a sinner and my heart is truly black which is why bad things come from it. The words of the mouth are the substance of the heart overflowing. What one says in the silence of the night without thought is what one truly believes. There is no better indication of the state of one's soul, than the content of one's dreams. Perhaps. But the demons give us dreams often to scare us and corrupt us, but then so does the good God and our guardian angel give us dreams to enlighten and encourage. To divine the meaning of dreams.

I regret the fact that I deleted my dream blog. Over five hundred of my dreams recorded and I deleted it forever. Stupid me. Vanity of vanities. I had many religious dreams. Often in my dreams I was at Mass or receiving Communion or saying prayers. Sometimes I would die in my dreams, and most of the time as I was dying I would pray the Salve Regina. In my dream that was the prayer I would say to prepare for death. Not the Ave Maria. I do not often remember my dreams now that I no longer record them. I think the act of recording them gets one in practice and disposes one to remember one's dreams more often. For two years I remembered my dreams most nights, and often multiple dreams during one night.

So in silence one finds peace; in speech one finds sin. I am a sinner because I speak. I think before I speak unless it is my nervous habit, and meditate and I often pray during the day. My favorite writer was Dostoyevsky and my favorite book was The Brothers Karamazov. He was a Russian Orthodox believer who is buried in a monastery. I guess the Orthodox are the closest to Catholicism of all the other religions. One must say that outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation so he was damned, yet he was baptized so we could hope for his repentance. I should start praying for Dostoyevsky. Or would that be an act of false ecumenism? Perhaps I should rather pray for Blaise Pascal.

They say that Saint Alphonsus Liguori wrote a hundred books. The only one I read was The Glories of Mary. I was told that reading Liguori would lead one to despair, except for that one book, The Glories of Mary. They say the Church used to be stricter until the Jesuits ruined it and turned the Church of Christ into the Church of presumption. It did not start with the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

I am not a great saint. In some ways I do well. My heart is pure for such a sinner as I am (relative to how I used to be. I only know my own heart and not that of others, and it is better than it used to be). I do not lust after women. But I am weak. I eat food and drink beer too often. Never to drunkenness, of course, but I have some at night and then go to bed. I am ten pounds overweight. I can be better when I try, but I do not try lately. I am content to say my prayers and be a regular person, but not of the world for the most part. I do not watch television ever or movies often or listen to modern music much anymore.

They say the best prayer is prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Since Jesus is truly present, he hears your prayer in the person of the real presence directly, and not just as the God who sees all thoughts and knows all desires everywhere. So the best prayer is before the Blessed Sacrament on the altar. Before the monstrance, but best would be before a monstrance without a glass. Or at the moment of the elevation at Mass when the priest holds up the Body of Our Lord, like the time I was looking and saw the host glow like the sun in Church when I was a new believer and was still filled with the demons of my youth.

I am a sinful man and my heart is the abode of demons. I do not think this is true any more. I think my heart holds God inside of it and the good God expelled the demons. I am sorry for my sins. I went to confession. I am clean now. Perhaps. I do not feel tormented by them any more. I fell last year, but I did not die; I lived to repent. And now I am okay.

So I am trying to stop talking in this way. When I do, even when I say something not bad, I pound my chest, "Mea culpa . . ." I was not always like this. This is something that I started doing about two years ago. Maybe it is because of excitedness or stress or not fasting enough. Or maybe it is the devil's new way of tripping me. I pray more now, but I am talking more now also. I want to be better.

Holy Child Jesus

My local parish is opening slowly. The Church is open now for a few hours every day. And on Saturday, they have Jesus in the monstrance. I went to look at Him. Now I can go more to pray. I am happy. I can't wait for our Mass in the city to start again.

So there are riots around the country. There is some looting in New York. I heard that the mayor has ordered the police to not help and allow the looters to cause destruction, but I do not know if that is really true. So far my neighborhood is safe. It is not a famous part of the city and it is usually peaceful.

The stresses of life. Since the lockdown started life has been good and we are eating dinner together as a family plus the girl. I was never afraid of the illness. But the rioting has me worried. If they came to our neighborhood, what would I do? My father said that from now until Sunday there is a curfew. No leaving the house after 8 PM.

Nothing bad has happened yet, but I worry.

My life is a dream in this time of plague. I have my worries, but nothing bad is happening to me. In the future I will suffer. And in the past I suffered, but now I am happy. I really am happy.

Pork Shoulder

Back from Church. No Mass, but got to look at Jesus for a while. My father was kind enough to drive me again. And mom came. The girl is cooking dinner tonight. Pork shoulder. She did it a week ago, and liked it enough to do it again. I was thinking about making swordfish steaks. I never ate swordfish. I do like cooking. The best is making soup. I like keeping the vegetables and chicken scraps in the freezer, then taking out the big stock pot and boiling it all for hours. Us being together as a big family is good and bad. It is nice having a nice big meal together, but I am eating common food and not my rice and lentils.

Just a record of my thoughts. And my dreams. And my wishes. Thank you for reading.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.

Regina Coeli

Remember, O Most gracious Virgin Maria, that never was it known that anyone who ever fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left forsaken. Inspired by this confidence I fly unto thee O Virgin Maria. To thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate despise not my petitions, but in thy clemency hear me and answer me. Amen.

I got mail today. The March / April issue of The Epoch Times. "Truth and Tradition". I never bought it. They just got my address and mailed one to me, hoping I would like it and subscribe. I see ads for their paper on Youtube. They seem to be anti-communist. I believe they are owned by members of the Falun Gong religion that is suppressed by the Chinese government. From the ads, they seem to be right-leaning and conspiratorial. I will read it and see if it is good, but will not subscribe. I also got the Regina Coeli report. It is about seeing God in nature. There is a picture of cute children looking at a praying mantis and another picture of a cute girl holding a monarch butterfly on her hand and cute children looking at it in awe. I have been seeing God in nature. In the mourning doves and the sparrows. A few butterflies and bees but there will be more of them in a month or two.

For what it's worth. Our family is holding up together during the quarantine. We do our things and come together in the evening for dinner. Mom has me lead the blessing before meals. I enjoy cooking. Especially making soup. I enjoy making soup more than perhaps any other kind of food. I save the scraps of the onions and the carrots and the celery we use and the stems of the parsley and keep them in the freezer until I have a big bag and I boil them until the broth is brown. Sometimes I add chicken, and of course some bay leaves and salt, maybe some thyme. We had a turkey for Mother's Day so my brother wants me to boil the carcass into turkey stock. Why not? Would that work? Why not? What type of soup would that be?

I really like watching vespers at noon. Really listening as there is nothing to watch, just a dozen monks standing and singing in a bare room. But the singing is very calming. Even though I do not know enough Latin to understand most of their prayers. I know it is vespers. Lately they are chanting the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary near the end.

For three Sundays in a row my father drove me to Holy Innocents in the city. They have the Church open with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. So I like to go and look at Jesus. He looks at me. My favorite prayer is just looking at Jesus in the monstrance. And at home I look at my pictures of Gemma. You become like the things and the people you look at. So if you are always looking at Jesus you become like Jesus. If you are always looking at pictures of Gemma you become like Gemma. If you are always looking at the devil's tabernacle you become like the devil. I don't see how anyone can save his soul while watching television. Even if all he watches is EWTN. I recently read an account of a miracle and a conversion. Someone was watching television trying to go to the pornography channel but instead he saw Mother Angelica. He kept changing the channel and no matter what channel he went to he saw Mother Angelica. And he started listening to her and he converted and became a Catholic. But you become like what you look at. So take custody of your eyes and only look at the good and the beautiful. Or if you do look at the ugly and the wicked, be careful to look at the good before and after to prepare yourself and to heal. An hour or two in front of Jesus in the monstrance can last a whole week! Who needs to receive Communion in your mouth if you can receive Him with your eyes!

I feel like I am benefiting from the quarantine spiritually. I appreciate Jesus more now that he is hidden from me. I cannot go to Communion, but I can love Jesus in the world and invisibly where I know He is in the Church that is locked, and then once a week where I can see Him, even though I can not receive Him. One only has to receive Jesus one time in one's life and it can last and give graces forever. Mary of Egypt repented of her sins and went to confession and received Communion one time and fled into the desert. She lived alone for fifty years and became the greatest of saints because of that one Communion. And then God sent a priest to her in the desert and he gave her one last Communion and on the day she received Him she died and went to heaven. If one receives often one would think one would become holier, but often one becomes complacent. I think I am better off now being unable to receive. I feel I am doing better and being nicer. And I am praying more and helping out my family more and doing what I am told. I am one of those Jansenists who think people receive Communion too often and that it would be better if Communion happened privately and not during Mass when everyone feels pressured to go up whether or not they are well disposed. One can say, well Pope Pius X was a saint and he promoted frequent Communion so it must be good, but as soon as he promoted it the Church fell apart and many of her members descended into depravity. But I am not really a Jansenist. I once was one, I believe. For at times in my despair While I was a new convert and the devil was attacking me and burning me I felt as if I was a sinner and that I had no free will but everything I did was controlled by the devil and I could do no good no matter what because the devil was pulling my strings. I guess that is one of the Jansenist ideas.

Of all the things I hope happen because of the quarantine, I hope people will appreciate Jesus more in the Eucharist, and Church in general. And I hope people will become less materialistic. BUt that is not likely if they watch the devil's tabernacle or netflix. Oh well. My parents have a television in our house. I hate it. I never watch it. Sometimes they leave it on after they leave the living room and I turn it off.

My mother does not like classical music. When we go in the car I like putting on one of the two classical music stations but she was complaining today and turned it off. How can someone not like classical music? It was a good song too, I don't know the name, but it was beautiful. It is probably because she watches television.

I feel often like I am alone. I am a sheep but where is the shepherd? I see Jesus in the monstrance, He is my shepherd. But He is my Godly shepherd, where is my human shepherd. I go to Church and at Church there is a priest, Father S who hears my confession. Yes, he is my shepherd. But I am alone now. He is not saying Mass. He called me twice and I was happy to speak with him, but he has never visited my house with Jesus.

When I watch the monks sing the office every day at noon, sometimes I wish I was with them. I live with my family and my mind is broken so I can not join them and if I did I am sure there would be struggles, but it seems like a nice life. To be taken care of and to be always before Jesus. These monks pray before the monstrance often. They are Benedictines who wear black habits. I do not know what kind of work they do but I like reading their blog and listening to them chant.

I hope people become less materialistic. Money is the ring. Greedy people. I do not need many things. I have a computer and my pictures of Gemma, and I need a little food, and I like coffee and diet soda and beer. That is a lot of things already. But I feel happy. I do not need a lot of money. I would be happy to live a completely subsistence lifestyle where I was not in danger of starvation, but had no excess, and just lived a quiet, happy life, as I do now. I am so lucky to have my family to help take care of me.

While I was walking today I saw a young girl about seven or eight years old wearing shorts and a tee shirt. She was twerking, if that is the right word. I looked at her face. She looked like she was very cold. Such a young one.

When I was at fire Island this summer we were in my uncle's house and they saw the rocket man, a man who flew up in the air from the sea on a rocket of propelled water and they watched him fly. My father took a video. Rocket man.

Holy Innocents

For the first time since this lock-down began I was able to go to a Church to pray. The Churches in the diocese of Brooklyn are all locked. Some in Manhattan are open, but they have no public services. My father offered to drive me and my mother to Holy Innocents. They are open and they had Eucharistic Adoration.

So we visited Jesus. I said my prayers and looked at Him. And He looked at me. I sat quietly for about an hour and forty five minutes. I started by praying the Rosary slowly and quietly, then some hours and the stations and my prayers for someone special to me. I prefer sitting before Jesus in the monstrance even to Mass. It was a good prayer time. Happy day.

My SSPX chapel is not having Mass either. So no Mass for me. I couldn't even go to a Novus Ordo Mass if I wanted to. I hope to visit Jesus again sometime soon. Back to normal when they have Him sitting in the monstrance two days a week plus Sunday.

So I am glad that Father drove me. He doesn't like the old religion like I do. He speaks of how when he was in high school during Vatican II, the brothers would tell him, all that the nuns taught to you as a child forget about all that. He did not forget, but he stopped believing. He sometimes brags about the Church history and theology he knows. But in my thirty eight years as his son he never taught me any of it, other than referencing something to ridicule it or point out perceived hypocrisy. He does not like the new religion either. But he does not want people to believe in the old religion.

He likes looking at old Churches and taking pictures of stained glass windows because they are beautiful. My father is not too bad of a guy. He is moral for a regular person and works to help support our family. He takes care of us which means a lot. But he is not pious or respectful.

I am a strange person though.