A Wife

Sometimes I think it would be nice if I had a wife. But I understand this is not likely. I do not think I have much value because of my condition and lack of money and the fact that I am ever getting older. Who would want to marry a schizo on disability? And how would I go about meeting people? I do not have many friends. And when I do meet people the first thing they always ask is "what do you do?" and I have to answer that I am unemployed and that ends the conversation. But on top of that is the fact that I do not want a normal wife because I do not want to have sex or children. I just want someone to talk to and love and maybe eat waffles and drink coffee together. And I have my strange ideas and unusual religious and social and moral beliefs. So it will not happen in all likely hood, but who knows with the internet everything is possible. Perhaps it is possible that I could meet a strange woman who would meet my demands and desire such a life. Perhaps a homely girl with bipolar who is also on disability and has low standards. My standards are low despite what I am looking for being queer. There are a few billion women and the internet connects half of them. But how to separate the gold from the dross?

But it does not stop me from loving women. Whenever I see a young woman I am in love with her. Especially when I see women at Church because they tend to dress nicely and not scandalously which turns me off. I just fell in love, well not really but a little bit, with the waitress at IHOP the other day. She was not pretty but she was a young woman. The one question he asked her was "can you endure a life of poverty?" and she said "yes" so he married her.

Lately I have not been feeling lonely. It does not cut me so. But it is something I sometimes dream about. A little while ago I was very lonely before my last breakdown. But that was not the reason I broke. Yet I was. So lonely. And knowing that my situation will not improve. I don't know if people have sympathy for other people. Or when someone complains they doubly condemn them as losers and as complainers. Slash my veins and drink my blood. People are wicked vipers really with no compassion. Is there any reason to wish anyone to be saved?

I do not have a lot of experience with women in my life. Apart from a few flings. I only had two girlfriends many years ago. The first I look upon favorably. I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. The second I look upon unfavorably. But I remember being loved, or at least desired. One can say she did not have the fire of charity in her soul so it was not love, but can an unbeliever love? Do not even heathen mothers love their children? Or do they just guard them selfishly as their seed?

Someone to talk to and share my strange life with. One can think how life would be better. But if I had a real wife likely our relationship would be unhappy. I love everyone and get along with everyone but nobody depends upon me. If they did my many failings would be multiplied.

But even Cain found himself a wife, so perhaps there is hope for me. I hope I am not as cursed by God as Cain was on account of my many many sins.