Principalities and Powers

I live in a world all of my own. I am protected from the world by my family. I hope that when they leave me that I will find new protection. Perhaps a kind social worker or my brother. But currently my brother is in no place to protect me. In fact it is more like I am protecting him as I am giving him money to eat. My brother. I am as happy as I can be. Not ecstatic, but content. A quiet joy in everything I do. But that is because everything is going well for me. I am healthy, except for being insane. We have enough money to eat as always. I get to go to Church regularly to pray. The only problems are my brothers which effect my father as he is always begging from him. Strenuously because his life is falling apart.

Perhaps I will die before my parents. Or if not, I hope to find help. I get disability money, so that is something. Hopefully I would have a place to live. A wall to hang my crucifix and my Mater Dolorosa on so I could look at them as I am lying in bed. And you know what else. So I live in a world all on my own. It is strange to say what I believe. I believe in God and am a Catholic. I believe the world is controlled by principalities and powers, fallen demons who give orders to their minions, various non-believers who control us in an attempt to ensnare every soul in the world so everyone goes to Hell. But they do not have complete control because God is also there and he does not allow them to do everything they would wish to do. But he is allowing us to fall into the hands of the fallen principalities and powers because of our sins. And the sins of our parents. "His blood be upon us and our children!" is what the Jews said, but his blood is also on us. It is not all the Jews, as we are guilty as well.

I wish I was innocent. I am not innocent. My hands are stained with blood. But I recoiled in horror and am trying to be good. With some success. But I look back at my life sometimes and think of some of the bad things I did. I do not long for my sins. I hate them. I cringe at them. So I guess that means I am penitent. If there was a sinner who stopped sinning and went to confession, but he still looked back on his sins with happiness, would he go to hell? I would think so. As one must hate one's sins, or at least the worst ones.

What is the point of this blog, but to show my heart to a few people. If anyone cares they can read this. It is so strange that I doubt I have many repeat readers. It is not meant to be interesting but to be a record of my thoughts. A record that will probably not stand. If I wanted to be popular my shtick would have to be yet another traditionalist Catholic blog. There are quite a lot of them. Considering how few people go to the Latin Mass it is as if ten percent of them have blogs. I could talk about the news, how bad the idolatry in the Church is and how horrible that article by the writer in the liberal Catholic press's hit piece about the Latin Mass was. I don't think I will ever convince anyone. I pray but nobody cares about me. I have not even convinced my parents or my brother. So how will I ever convince anyone else. They do say that a prophet is never accepted in his home town. But I am not a prophet. I did have my one vision, so if I stretched the truth I could call myself a mystic, though the truth is likely that I am merely crazy. I admit it. But nobody can take my world away from me. It exists for me from the hands of God alone. And I am the only sane man in the world, yet I am crazy. Or one of a few. And I do mean that but it is probably a delusion.

So some bloggers want to be popular. I want to be an unknown outsider. I want to remember my thoughts and maybe a few others will like me. I would like to have friends.

There is one blogger I like to think of. He is a sedevacantist for those who know what that is. I once questioned his faith because he believed in evolution and he gave a response that was frankly not convincing at all. Basically saying that the "days" of Genesis could mean long periods of time. This is disingenuous because he does not believe in the proper order stated in Genesis so instead of believing in scripture but disagreeing with the meaning of the word translated as "day", he rejects the whole thing as a pious fiction. I can see no honesty in such a man (without naming him). Guile. As if one can nitpick people and call the entire hierarchy heretics while daring to believe in evolution. Evolution is a nuclear bomb to the modern man's faith and ecumenism is just a little musket fire. Lately I have even been in a geo-centrist mood, but in my mind I do not go so as some of the proud few do.

There is a woman who bought the house next door to me. She is a Spanish lady. I do not even remember her name. But she is always talking to me. She goes to therapy at the same clinic I go to. I saw her there once but I did not think it was her. She told me the other day that I was her best friend. Either she was lying or she does not have a lot of friends. She always tells me to go to the gym. I talk to her. My parents don't trust her. But what bad motive could she have for talking to me. She knows I cook for the family and like going to Church. She asks me why I don't have a girlfriend. Last time we talked I said because I am poor and because I go to the hospital. She did not offer to be my girlfriend herself. She has a young daughter in the local Catholic elementary school. If I had a girlfriend we would have to be virtuous. Two little saints. But I do not want to get married because I do not want children. Not that I do not want them, but I am not able to take care of them because I am crazy. And no good woman would want a crazy husband. Memento Mori. Is that how it is said? I am not afraid of death. Not at all. If it were to approach I would probably be afraid. Not of death, but of the pain. But probably of death as well. Memento Mori.