Betrothal

I witnessed something new today, something I did not know about. A young man and woman, both of whom sing in the mixed choir that we have had often for the past few months, and neither of whose names I remember, are going to get married. And after Mass today they were betrothed. The priest went through a little ceremony and blessed them. Nothing was announced about this beforehand, though the priest did announce the Blessed Sacrament would be on the altar after Mass because he was making a sick call, it just happened after Mass. The man, the woman, the Lovely Helena and her sister Olivia had little cards with the prayers on them and Father blessed them.

A betrothal is a promise to get married, more solemn than an engagement. I do not know what the consequences of breaking the betrothal are, perhaps it is considered a sin without grave reason, while a normal engagement can be broken off with less reason.

The beautiful Cecilia is so very beautiful. I am afraid of her. Today she was wearing a dark red velvet dress, feminine and modest enough, but gorgeous. It is hard not looking at her. She has chestnut brown hair which she wears down long and curled at the ends. After Mass today I was distracted and wanted to just look at her beauty. I did not, I only glanced at her a few times. Father made a sick call so the Blessed Sacrament was on the altar for a while after Mass, a long while, as we all kneeled, I sat, and prayed.

When Mass is over and they blow out the candles, the beautiful Cecilia helps take down the altar and put the things away and when she does I admit I like to wait and look at her moving from side to side as she does not notice me. Angry Tom once saw me looking at the beautiful Cecilia as she was walking away and he asked me why I don't go after her. I once told him that I was afraid if her and he asked why and I said because she was so very beautiful.

We have a new refugee coming to Mass. A pious older black woman who held a crucifix with a St. Benedict Medal on it and prayed throughout Mass. I said hello to her. She comes from Our Lady of La Salette. She had the article I read from the Queens Chronicle and after reading it she no longer wants to go there because of the scandal. I would expect more people to come as we are in the same city, and as far as theology is concerned we are the closest to them in the area. But so far she is the only one. I went there once for Ash Wednesday. I just hope what supposedly happened there is not common.

But the beautiful Cecilia is so very beautiful. I wonder what kind of person she is. If she is pious and chaste and not a hypocrite she would be so very beautiful as to be extraordinary. What is she doing here with us grievous sinners in the city of Sodom? She should be in the country married with children far away from the flood of sins that surrounds us here. But if I was not broken and had a decent job and I was young I would want to marry Cecilia, but I would be afraid to ever talk to her as I am now. I would think that she was too good for me, even if I were young and not mentally crippled, But now I can see her at Mass gracefully gliding back and forth or sitting or kneeling quietly. I do not even know the color of her eyes. I have seen them for a moment at a time, but I have never stared into them out of fear, so I forget the color. Were they olive green or brown or grey? They were not blue. Beauty and youth. I hope they are green like my own eyes are green.

I am liking my new routine of going in to the city early to pray on Sunday. Mass now is not until 5 PM. I saw most of vespers at Holy Innocents and then I went to Our Saviour and then to the upper room for Mass. I said all my prayers. I even got to be blessed at benediction. It was an ideal day and I hope to make it the model of every Sunday. Some may think it bad to go to other Churches that are not traditional, but I think it is fine now because I think they are valid and Jesus is really there. I do not go to the Novus Ordo for Mass, but I can look at Jesus and say prayers there without affirming the goodness of the Novus Ordo. Even angry Tom goes there and he is a sedevacantist, so it should be fine for me as well. I am content.

Even though I try to be chaste and not a pervert, I can not get over my love for women. The attraction is still there even though I am older. I admire beauty even though I do not want to sin over it anymore.

A Wife

Sometimes I think it would be nice if I had a wife. But I understand this is not likely. I do not think I have much value because of my condition and lack of money and the fact that I am ever getting older. Who would want to marry a schizo on disability? And how would I go about meeting people? I do not have many friends. And when I do meet people the first thing they always ask is "what do you do?" and I have to answer that I am unemployed and that ends the conversation. But on top of that is the fact that I do not want a normal wife because I do not want to have sex or children. I just want someone to talk to and love and maybe eat waffles and drink coffee together. And I have my strange ideas and unusual religious and social and moral beliefs. So it will not happen in all likely hood, but who knows with the internet everything is possible. Perhaps it is possible that I could meet a strange woman who would meet my demands and desire such a life. Perhaps a homely girl with bipolar who is also on disability and has low standards. My standards are low despite what I am looking for being queer. There are a few billion women and the internet connects half of them. But how to separate the gold from the dross?

But it does not stop me from loving women. Whenever I see a young woman I am in love with her. Especially when I see women at Church because they tend to dress nicely and not scandalously which turns me off. I just fell in love, well not really but a little bit, with the waitress at IHOP the other day. She was not pretty but she was a young woman. The one question he asked her was "can you endure a life of poverty?" and she said "yes" so he married her.

Lately I have not been feeling lonely. It does not cut me so. But it is something I sometimes dream about. A little while ago I was very lonely before my last breakdown. But that was not the reason I broke. Yet I was. So lonely. And knowing that my situation will not improve. I don't know if people have sympathy for other people. Or when someone complains they doubly condemn them as losers and as complainers. Slash my veins and drink my blood. People are wicked vipers really with no compassion. Is there any reason to wish anyone to be saved?

I do not have a lot of experience with women in my life. Apart from a few flings. I only had two girlfriends many years ago. The first I look upon favorably. I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. The second I look upon unfavorably. But I remember being loved, or at least desired. One can say she did not have the fire of charity in her soul so it was not love, but can an unbeliever love? Do not even heathen mothers love their children? Or do they just guard them selfishly as their seed?

Someone to talk to and share my strange life with. One can think how life would be better. But if I had a real wife likely our relationship would be unhappy. I love everyone and get along with everyone but nobody depends upon me. If they did my many failings would be multiplied.

But even Cain found himself a wife, so perhaps there is hope for me. I hope I am not as cursed by God as Cain was on account of my many many sins.

St. Patrick's

Went to Saint Patrick's Cathedral for an organ concert before Mass. The Lovely Helena was performing with five other organ students. I am no expert but it was nice hearing her perform. Father seems to really like her. She does conferences and performances at the big Church in Long Island and other places and he always says when she is performing so that we can go. I like her too. She seems like a nice girl. But I don't know her very well because she does not usually come out with my group to eat after Mass. It is dangerous getting to know nice young girls because when one does, then one wants to marry them. It would be nice being married to a nice young girl. When I see single women at Mass I think often how nice it would be to marry a girl like her. But then one would want you to slave away to provide for her and your children, something that I am not in a condition to do.

She plays the electric piano and sings with her sister at Mass now. And this will presumably continue to happen for as long as she is in town going to school. I believe she will be going to school for this year and next, so we have two years of nice organ music and singing. She is a special girl, so I imagine as long as she is around we will continue to have Mass at our little mission and they won't close it for lack of people.

I saw some nice malachite one decade rosary key chains but I did not acquire one. I have a full rosary so I don't need a small one. I once had a malachite five decade rosary but it fell apart when I prayed with it. The stones crumbled and fell apart like old dry soap. I saw it as a sign that I was to be numbered among the damned because a rosary of one of the lambs would never break or crumble. Sometimes I have weird thoughts. I am not alone. I remember my blind friend Julian telling me when his crucifix broke that the reason it broke was because an older woman who I greatly admire whose name means "Heart Cross" was touching it. The reason her touching it caused it to break was because she believed Benedict was the Pope at the time before he resigned. Malachite.

My Favorite Story

Two Fathers asked God to reveal to them how far they had advanced. A voice came which said, 'In a certain village in Egypt there is a man called Eucharistus and his wife who is called Mary. You have not yet reached their degree of virtue.' The two old men set out and went to the village. Having enquired, they found his house and his wife. They said to her, 'Where is your husband?' She replied, 'He is a shepherd and is feeding the sheep.' Then she made them come into the house. When evening came, Eucharistus returned with the sheep. Seeing the old men, he set the table and brought water to wash their feet. The old men said to him, 'We shall not eat anything until you have told us about your way of life.' Eucharistus replied with humility, 'I am a Shepherd, and this is my wife.' The old men insisted but he did not want to say more. Then they said, 'God has sent us to you.' At these words, Eucharistus was afraid and said, 'Here are these sheep; we received them from our parents, and if, by God's help we make a little profit, we divide it into three parts: one for the poor, the second  for hospitality, and the third for our personal needs. Since I married my wife, we have not had intercourse with one another, for she is a virgin; we each live alone. At night we wear hair-shirts and our ordinary clothes by day. No-one has known of this till now.' At these words they were filled with admiration and went away giving glory to God.

I would like to have a marriage like that. Honestly. If I could choose my life it would be a modern version of that story.