His Face Shone Like The Sun

My life is happy now. My father is having a stent put in on Friday. It should not be a problem as it is a routine procedure. My brother may be coming down here to see us on Thursday and leaving Friday morning. I would like to talk to him. My brother still smokes cigarettes. I wish he wouldn't. Because it is a bad addiction. And it costs money so it is not worth it. And it makes you unhealthy. I think I can see it in his face. My brother works and goes to school. Things I used to do but have not since I went crazy. I have a degree from university.

It was said of Abba Sisoes that when he was at the point of death, while the Fathers were sitting beside him, his face shone like the sun. He said to them, 'Look, Abba Anthony is coming.' A little later he said 'Look, the choir of the prophets is coming.' Again his countenance shone with brightness and he said, 'Look, the choir of apostles is coming,' His countenance increased in brightness and lo, he spoke with someone. Then the old men asked him, 'With whom are you speaking, Father?' He said, 'Look, the angels are coming to fetch me, and I am begging them to let me do a little penance.' The old man said to him, 'You have no need to do penance, Father.' But the old man said to them, 'Truly, I do not think I have even made a beginning yet.' Now they all knew that he was perfect. Once more his countenance suddenly became like the sun and they were all filled with fear. He said to them, 'Look, the Lord is coming and he's saying, "Bring me the vessel from the desert."' Then there was as a flash of lightening and all the house was filled with a sweet odor.

My brother told me I can be a hermit in our little house in Richmond Hill. I try to be good and I am fasting now. It is not difficult. I am already used to it and do not feel too hungry. After one gets started and gets over the first hump it gets easier. I would like to be a hermit. I like going to Church to pray during the day. There are not many people who go there to keep Jesus company. Sometimes I see one or two people, but never a crowd. Except for when there is Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction. Then there are a few people, but not many. And then on Sundays when I go to Churches and to Mass. I would like to be a hermit. I do not know how to pray. I like praying but I do not have a lot of prayers to say. So for the rest of the time I just try to be happy. And I am happy. I have no work to do and I am feeble-minded. I do not watch television. I look on the computer. Sometimes I copy out my Catechism, and sometimes I read. Praying is my best time. I do not get tired of praying. I just feel strange being in Church all the time. I don't want other people to see me. Otherwise I would go there often. I wish they would always have Jesus exposed on the altar so I could look into His heart instead of simply knowing He is there behind the door of the tabernacle. I don't think many people believe in the real presence. Or if they do they do not act upon it. If they believed everyone would spend their free time before Jesus, gazing into His heart and looking at Him and talking to Him. I read in the desert fathers that one of the fathers said I no longer fear God. Now I love Him and love expels fear from the heart. I feel like that. I am not afraid. I am happy and I love. If it is a delusion it is a happy delusion. I am not being tortured or stressed out or scourged. I am not a great saint or a prophet, but I love God. Even if He is an illusion. I believe in Him.

I remember when I first converted. I was filled with a burning fire from the devils. And my thoughts were full of despair and my sins were always before me and I could not imagine how I could ever be forgiven. I saw God and felt that He was angry with me and perhaps that I had sinned too much and He would never forgive me, but wanted to cast me into hell a an example for the world and a victim of infinite justice. But now I am happy. The fire and the devils left me long ago and now I am a happy little imbecile. I go to the doctor and take my pills and go to Church and live with my family and am always happy. It is a quiet happiness, but often when I am walking, and I do not go walking enough, I look up to the sky or see a bird flying, flittering here or there or calling, and I want to cry out in joy. For beauty moves my heart to joy. To see the sun or the moon or stars, and for some reason mostly the clouds in the sky . . . In the Church I do not cry out, but I am quiet. I love to pray before Jesus.

I wish I could be a little brother and live by a Church as some kind of monk or hermit. But they would not take me because of my feeble-mindedness and my age, at least not to the places that I would prefer, the more popular ancient ones. But then one would have to worry about other people who may be wicked and have power over me. I love my parents but they do not make me do bad things even though they do not believe as I do, as a lunatic hermit.

I don't know. I am looking at my little picture of Gemma. It fills my heart with a quiet joy. To meet her one day and for that day to last forever in eternal happiness. As happy as I would be to meet Gemma, I can not even imagine the happiness I would get from being with the good God. I do not know. Yes I was in love with a girl once upon a time. I was in love with a girl. But now I am broken and I will never achieve any of the goals or fantasies I had about my life. I will never be rich or even famous, or even have a normal life with a wife and children (and some say that such a life is not normal anymore and grieve for it). But I believe I have found God. And even if it is a delusion I am happy. I hope it never ends. My life is happy now.

I don't know what is my favorite book. I love praying the Little Office. And I loved it so much I will be acquiring another version to see which one I like better. And I love my little book about the Desert Fathers. And I love my Life of Gemma and my Life of the Cure of Ars. And I have the little devotional book with the different versions of The Way of the Cross. I would have to vote for the Little Office as I use it the most. But I do not need any books, as I have my rosary and can make ejaculations even though I love praying the Office. I should go on more walks, I think. I should try to when winter ends. I have extra time and it would be better using it to walk around the neighborhood and looking at the flowers and the birds, than sitting in the house and drinking coffee and looking at the computer. In the cold one wants to stay inside. But soon it will be warm and I will greet the warm weather by walking more. I can go to Church but also go on walks before and after I say my prayers. Only because seeing the world and the sky makes me happy. And when I am happy I love God more.

Is it better to suffer or to love? My life now is happy. I don't have enough friends though. I have Julian. He always calls me. I want to visit him in the next two weeks or so. It seems his sisters are getting evicted so he can not move in with him so he will be stuck in the nursing home for now. A shame. It would have been six blocks from my house and really close to the diner where I would have brought him so we could talk and eat together.

I remember hearing that when people have free time, they fall apart and become self-destructive. Most men cannot handle much leisure. They become alcoholics or drug addicts or sex addicts. I am able to live. I have some devotions to keep my time occupied. I get along well enough without any self-destructive addictions. I do drink a lot of coffee though.

I am not able to think. It is good sometimes because I do not have aggressive evil thoughts that I obsess over, but I also do not have good thoughts. By unable to think, I mean on a higher level. I do have menial thoughts. But I cannot imagine or think abstractly. That part of me is broken. I cannot make visions arise in my mind like I used to be able to. But my life is a happy life. For now. Perhaps in the future bad things will happen to me. But for now my life is a happy life.

So I am looking forward to seeing my brother if he comes up on Thursday. He was trying to get me to become a stock market speculator. I thought that was a strange idea. He thinks that because I have free time, I could read all kinds of books, become a genius and make millions of dollars in the stock market. I was not interested and don't think that would be likely if I was interested. But I love my brother and want to see him. Hopefully tomorrow.