Merry Christmas

 Today is Christmas Day. Went to Church. Mass was in a new location in Soho. As we do not have a real Church, but have Mass in a rented room. There were only about ten people. I think some did not know where it was. The smallest crowd I have ever seen there. But some people moved away. I was wondering where the lovely Helena and her sister Olivia have been as we haven't seen them in a while. They may be home from school. We did not have the normal vestments or chalice or crucifix or all the holy things. Father brought a travelling Mass kit with him to say Mass. We tried to sing the Alma Redemptoris Mater. At first we had trouble, but then after we got going we did a decent job. I remember most of the melody but not the words. So Tom had it written down and we were able to sing it. I don't know why we all know the Salve Regina, but not the other Marian songs.

Now Mom is cooking dinner. I am helping. We are having a turkey. Then we will open our presents.

The Upper Room

 So yesterday we were able to go to our little Mass in the upper room again and not Holy Innocents. Mass is back. I am happy. After Mass six of us went out to get food and talked for a while. I left before everyone else because it was getting late. They are only allowing 25 people in for Mass. Father said if more than 25 people come, he would let the extra people come up after the rest of us left and hear their confessions, give a sermon, and distribute Communion but not say another Mass.

Me and Michael had some beers and talked last night before bed. We think similarly about a lot of things. He is respectful and sympathetic, but he doesn't go to Mass all the time, or the Latin Mass, though he did come with us once a while ago and liked it. We agree about a lot of things. It is like he reads some of the same things and watches the same kind of things as I do. He is five years younger than me.

The election is tomorrow. I plan on drinking Guinness and then going to sleep without following the election. My parents will be watching the election coverage on thee TV so I will avoid them. I hate politics. 

Hawk Mountain

 

Yesterday my father drove us to Hawk Mountain in Pennsylvania. It is a mountain where one can look into the valley where hawks often fly. We saw a couple of hawks. I could not tell what kind of hawks they were, but they were probably sharp-shinned hawks as they are the most common kind seen there. Someone saw a bald eagle yesterday, but we did not.

There were about a half a dozen lookout points, collections of boulders piled on top of each other where you climb and look out over the valley or over the fields. The views were beautiful as in the picture above.

Michael and the girl came. We talked a little. About our worries. He does not like the lockdown and like me thinks it is insane. I did not wear a mask on the mountain, but I carried it on my arm in case anyone bothered me about it. That is also what I do when I walk around town.

We got to the mountain after two and by the time we were done it was almost night time. We had to walk over rocks through the woods and my mother was having trouble walking. Me and Michael took turns leading her. I was afraid we would not get back to the car before night time, but we barely made it. We were some of the last people to leave. It was a good trip.

A Bad Omen

 

On my first walk I found a lot of coins scattered around on the street. A dollar and fifty-two cents.

Then I went to Dunkin Donuts to get food for mom and dad. It is across the street from the library. Walking past the library I saw three of the drunkards who sit on the benches by the library. One ugly old woman looked at me like I offended her but said nothing. Then I went to the store.

The woman at the store had a grey left eye. It looked like it was blind and cloudy and permanently facing down. I got a croissant and a boston kreme donut for mom and dad.

Walking back I passed the drunkards and looked in the garden of the library. There is a tree with white blossoms and in and around the tree were dozens of starlings. When I looked at them, the ones on the ground flew away but not the ones in the tree.

Then I walked home. And on the way, I crossed the path of a dead praying mantis. She looked like she was stepped on. A bad omen. Then I walked home.

Stolen Car And Cancer.

 My father had surgery for cancer in his kidney. They removed a third of one of his kidneys.

My brother drove here from Philly to be with us. Someone stole his car. My brother has bad luck. Bad things always happen to him.

Went to Church today. Ed told me Tom is in the hospital.

Just to remember. My own life is grand.

Hurricane

So the remnants of a hurricane came through New York today. The strong winds knocked down a branch from our neighbor's tree. The branch fell on our tree and broke a large branch from our tree. The branch from our tree fell on top of and broke the power line. So we have no electricity. It will be fixed sometime. But we have no idea how long we have to wait because many people have lost electricity and there are only so many electric company workers.

Our neighbors' electricity did not go out. They were kind and offered to run an extension cord from their house in to ours so we could have some electricity. My father thanked them graciously. We plugged in the refrigerator and the modem so we have food, phone, and internet now. We bought some battery operated lights for around the house.

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist and she told me that today there was a hurricane coming. I did not know because I do not watch TV. I told her that maybe the big tree in our backyard would fall down and if it did it would land on my room and kill me. And the next day a big branch from the tree did fall down, but not on our house, on the power line and our neighbor's garage.

So luckily we are all okay. But we can't cook and we have no lights except for the battery ones. Everyone is alright.

Pop Music

So dad and mom and I went to visit Michael in Philly. Dad drove there. There was one bad thing. On the trip down and then again back up my Father was playing pop music. Mostly the 50s and 60 stations on the satellite radio. Especially since I got out of the hospital I hate pop music. It is the devil's music. In my mind pop culture, especially TV and music is of the devil almost completely. The point of it is to turn all the youth into sodomites, fornicators, and onanists. And the destruction it has left in its wake is unprecedented. And of course the Church put up no defense against the onslaught, instead going along with it, giving a hundred million Catholics over to the devil for fear of seeming reactionary, or else because they were also devils. They even held dances with this filth being played while the youth got together and got drunk, high, and fornicated. And went to confession in the morning without true repentance, followed by sacrilegious communions. I don't know, but it makes my skin crawl to hear it. There and back. I did not speak up, ad my father would get angry. When I go out with my mother I play the classical music station or turn off the radio. At least that does not have sinful lyrics about lusting after young girls.

But we got to see Michael. He wants to make pop music. Alas.

I spoke to my therapist today. We had a nice conversation, but nothing important was discussed. Just a routine session. I like talking to her and she helps me.

So I hate pop music like most media. Of the devil, but nobody cares. So I speak to myself, everyone is a devil. And no one takes me seriously. i hope I am good and that one day I get to go to heaven. But I fear if I do get there I will be alone. I don't think a lot of people from my generation and especially my parents generation will be saved. And if I am saved, that would be a neat miracle.

At my local Novus Ordo Church, something interesting is going on. The last two times I went there to pray before the tabernacle, they had four Prie Dieus set up where there used to be an altar rail. I can only presume that the priest there is encouraging Communion to be taken while kneeling, on the tongue. I know the administrator knows how to say the Latin Mass and likes to celebrate Mass Ad Orientem. So our parish is bacoming one of the conservative ones. I hope they will have more Latin Masses soon. I attneded one in the parish, only one. And after the fact I learned that there were others.

I have to say that there has to be a Church somewhere until the end of time.

Baby Blue

My father said something yesterday that made me upset He was talking about at the hospital when I was born and how they gave the baby boys blue blankets and the baby girls pink blankets and that this was "sexist". This made me upset. I shouldn't worry about such small things because it is not important but it is a sign . . .

I Hate Television

When I was a child I used to play Nintendo and sometimes my father would get angry and kick the Nintendo until he destroyed it because he was sick of me always playing it. And then he would get me a new Nintendo. I do not remember how many times this happened. I think it happened twice. When I grew up I stopped playing video games and then I stopped watching television. I thought it was a stupid waste of time and infuriating how stupid it seemed to me. And when I became religious I saw watching it as utter slavery to the devil.

I feel similarly in my old age about the television as my father did about the Nintendo and when my parents watch it. I get angry whenever it is on. My parents watch it. Most often they watch MSNBC. I get so angry. It is not just TV, but the Communist news propaganda network, in my mind possibly the worst channel there is. Sometimes I yell at them and tell them to stop watching. And I warn them that watching the television is worshiping the devil. It is how the computer would be if all there was on the internet was porn. I doubt my parents, especially my mother, will ever give up the TV. But it makes me angry. I feel as if at my mother's judgment God will say for every hour you spent adoring me in the Blessed Sacrament, you spent a hundred hours worshiping the devil before the television. They don't care. They probably dismiss my warnings as part of my insanity. But they are good to me except for when they torture me with the television and I love them and want the best for them. I see it as watching my parents committing mortal sin every day with nothing I can do about it. As if they are murdering Jesus and sending themselves to hell in front of my face and when I object they do not listen.

I think I will have to stop complaining. It is pointless and causes division. I will keep my feelings to myself I guess.

Johannes

It is strange but the character from the motion pictures who I relate to most is Johannes from Dreyer's Ordet. Because I am a schizophrenic hyper-religious Christian who complains to my parents that we should get rid of the television because it is the devil's tabernacle, and nobody listens to me even though they show care for me and show love for me and support me. "He has lost his wits," they say. Though I never studied Schopenhauer.*

And my dad comments on how he wishes me and my brother would go to the demonstrations. I should have told him that the only demonstration that I would be interested in going to would be the march for life, but he makes fun of them (which made me get angry and break things). He laments the fact that I am not a communist and I lament the fact that he is not a Christian. And I noticed the absurdity of him being a promoter of masks and social distancing and that this disease is really serious and not over-hyped;  "a monster" he called it, and that we have to be safe, yet he also is promoting massive gatherings with no precautions in this time of pandemic.

I have yet to raise anyone from the dead, so there is that.

I made Manhattan clam chowder yesterday. The girl said it was the best clam chowder she has ever had and she has had a lot. I followed a recipe I found on the internet and changed it a bit which must have made it better. And I did not use fresh clams, but only the canned ones. I thought it tasted good. So there is that.

*edit. Robert, one of my few faithful readers informed me that I made an error. It was Kierkegaard that Johannes studied which made him go insane, not Schopenhauer. Forgive me for my error as I have never read Kierkegaard and misremembered.

Holy Child Jesus

My local parish is opening slowly. The Church is open now for a few hours every day. And on Saturday, they have Jesus in the monstrance. I went to look at Him. Now I can go more to pray. I am happy. I can't wait for our Mass in the city to start again.

So there are riots around the country. There is some looting in New York. I heard that the mayor has ordered the police to not help and allow the looters to cause destruction, but I do not know if that is really true. So far my neighborhood is safe. It is not a famous part of the city and it is usually peaceful.

The stresses of life. Since the lockdown started life has been good and we are eating dinner together as a family plus the girl. I was never afraid of the illness. But the rioting has me worried. If they came to our neighborhood, what would I do? My father said that from now until Sunday there is a curfew. No leaving the house after 8 PM.

Nothing bad has happened yet, but I worry.

My life is a dream in this time of plague. I have my worries, but nothing bad is happening to me. In the future I will suffer. And in the past I suffered, but now I am happy. I really am happy.

Friends

Do you have a lot of friends? I have two friends really, and then some people I know. My best friend is Julian. He is a good friend. He lives in a nursing home because he is blind and has diabetes and either his sisters don't want to take care of him, or he does not want to live with his sisters. We met at Church, in the upper room. He calls me on the phone and we talk. And I go to visit him in the nursing home. Because of the virus, I have not been able to visit him lately. He is a religious fanatic. Even more so than I am. He makes me seem like a liberal atheist in comparison. He may be the most religious person I know, other than Cora maybe. Cora is a belle. But Julian is nice to me and I am happy he is my friend even though we disagree on many things. He is a sedevacantist and a Feeneyite, and I am neither, though when those points come up I do not argue. I am almost a Feeneyite, but I am not. And when he says those antichrists in Rome are not true popes, I smile and nod, but do not argue. Though he does know I am not a sedevacantist.

My second friend is angry Tom. He calls me on occasion, but not often. He goes around to the various traditional Churches in the city, and often comes to mine. And we talk. He argues a lot, but we have never argued. He once saw me looking at the beautiful Cecilia because she is so beautiful and said I should go after her, which I thought was strange, because she is so far out of my league. Tom is also a sedevacantist, but he is not a Feeneyite. Tom will also talk about the antichrists in Rome, and he will not call him Francis, but always Bergoglio this, and Bergoglio that. But I love him also. Tom is sick with cancer, though when I see him he always looks good, though sometimes he can not walk so well.

Then there are other friends. Cora is one. She is always praying. And she has strange beliefs about health and sickness and she is pious but she is not a sedevacantist. Very much not so, she thinks they are bad people and she is a loyal SSPX supporter. Pray for our priests, she says. She is always praying. She moved to Kentucky and then to West Virginia. Her dream is to live near an SSPX Church in Oregon where she will be able to go to daily Mass and get last rites and be buried. She is a belle.

And then there are old acquaintances. I once had two girlfriends. The first one was named Mellonie. I do not know how she is doing. She was from Hong Kong. For a while after we broke up. I broke up with her. For a while after we broke up we kept in touch. I would email her every year on her birthday and at Christmas, and she would email me on my birthday. And some times we would meet up at a diner somewhere. Last year she did not email me on my birthday. Or on Christmas. So I did not want to push and did not email her on Christmas, or this year on her birthday. I have fond memories of her, though I did not treat her well. Not that I abused her.

The other girlfriend was named Stephanie. I do not remember her fondly. If I could I would erase her from my life. It was a disaster. An avalanche. And then after her I went crazy. I do not keep in touch with her. She has an Instagram but I do not look at it.

Then I have my old muse. I used to have a crush on her and then a few years ago found out she was an online person so I look at some of her posts. I was really obsessed with her for a while. We do not talk, but I look at her Instagram. She is sad lately. And I can do nothing to help her.

Then I guess I could mention two people I used to work with. Matthew and Andrea. They are married. They worked with me and my old muse a long time ago. I mentioned them because I met them two times last year and we had a good time. But we haven't spoken much since so I can not count them as friends.

Of the people who I think wish me the best, I can count my Church friends. Firstly Julian and Tom, but also Cora and Karen and Barbara and Chris and the other Tom. And then there is our priest, Carl S, who calls me on the phone to talk sometimes now that we have no Mass.

When the world goes back to normal again I will go to confession and confess my sins. I have one old one and one new one, I hope not mortal. But I feel as if I have God's grace. I am not scrupulous anymore. I used to worry more when I was a new Christian, but now I feel as if God is my friend, and not my slave-master.

And then there are internet friends. I talk to people on the internet. Perhaps I could count Robert and Chris as friends. For a while I talked to Chris about things that were important, but we haven't talked much lately. And Robert has always been nice to me and read my stories.

So I do not have a lot of friends, and I have no wife or girlfriend and no prospects. I am too old anyway to start a romantic relationship. And I do not really want one as I do not think I am fit for being a husband or a father. So be it. But the touch of a woman gives sensual pleasure. I did like it when a woman would kiss me or run her hands through my hair.

And then there are my heavenly friends. First of all  there is Gemma, who has been the saint I have been most devoted to since I became religious. I speak to her all the time. And then there is the Cure of Ars and Padre Pio, and then of course the Blessed Mother who I pray to. And Jesus is my friend. A friend of God, I am a friend of God. Am I? I hope so. I want to be.

I do not feel lonely, having so few friends. I am happy. I have my family. But perhaps if I had more friends I would be happier? Or a wife? But they would have to be Church friends and not secular ones. But my Church is not big. Perhaps I could become friends with the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia. Perhaps, but I doubt it. I am friendly with some people, but not the pretty young girls.

So I hope my old muse is happy soon. Things fall apart. I do not want things to go badly with her. I would be sad.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.

Dead Bird

It may have been a day or so after my brother found the dead baby bird in our garden.

My mother drove us to the grocery store and we were parked on the street. I got out of the car to go pay at the parking meter and I stepped on something. It was another dead baby bird, squished on the sidewalk. I took it to be an ill omen.

The quarantine is going well, but we are running out of money. My father is using my stipend to pay the bills. I will go shopping today. I will buy some rice for just in case. None of us have gotten any stimulus or unemployment money yet. When they do get it we will be better any I may even be reimbursed for some of the expenses I have covered. But I do not need the money.

My expenses, other than the food I buy for my family. Diet soda. I found an acceptable one for one dollar at the dollar store. Beer. This I have been drinking one or two times a week during the quarantine which has now gone on for more than forty days. So my expenses are low. But the bills are a killer. Yesterday I gave my parents money for one bill and the one bill was 240 dollars. And there are many. If they do not get their money we will not be able to pay any of the bills. But God will provide. And perhaps this quarantine will end soon. I do not mind it. It is nice having family with the dinner most nights, even though me and the girl are not comfortable around each other, or at least, I am not comfortable around her.

I have been watching Vespers from a monastery in Ireland, and sometimes Mass. It is according to the old rite, but I noticed two things that seemed odd when I was watching Mass yesterday. One of the monks in just a habit and no vestments read the epistle facing the people and the priest abbot read the gospel facing the people. All in Latin. I do not know why these practices are different from what I am used to, but the services were beautiful.

The weather is lovely and I am happy watching the birds when I go out. The sparrows and the mourning doves and the starlings. Even the pigeons, and the less common birds like the mockingbirds who sing for us and the robins who eat worms and the song birds.

I have seen some butterflies this spring, but not many yet. I love watching butterflies. And not many bees yet. there are a lot of flowers on our block so we get them in the summer time. Many years ago now we had a bee hive above the front door of our house in a hole where a lamp is. One day a bee stung my father. But then the bees went away. The hive died and ceased to exist except for in my memory. Why does memory matter? Who remembers those bees other than me and our family? Why does it matter if your children and your children's children remember you and think about you, and then after them you will be forgotten and never thought of again. Except in the mind of God?

I have a happy life now. I hope I do not fall int o despair! Or if I do fall into despair, I overcome it!

It is wonderful to wake up, say my prayers and then watch Vespers on the computer from Ireland at noon. It is calming to hear them chanting. My life is not hard as I do not work. My work is living with being an imbecile. Ah life. I vaguely remember when I was normal. I am happier now. But if I continued being normal, perhaps I could have had a normal life with a wife and some kids and then grandchildren. Alas. I am happy . . . for now. I try to love God. I think I do.

My beliefs are strange. I am a lonely wanderer. I am a Catholic of some sort. A traditionalist, I guess, meaning I prefer going to the old Latin Mass and services. But I am not a sedevacantist. I attend at an SSPX Mass normally. But I sometimes go to the indult Mass, though not regularly the Novus Ordo. But even though I do not like going to the Novus Ordo, I think it is valid and that Jesus is really there. So I like going to Eucharistic adoration even at Novus Ordo parishes. So my beliefs are strange. During the quarantine, I went to the indult parish in Manhattan for Eucharistic Adoration to sit quietly and pray and it was calming and serene. Karen would say not to go because there re devils there. Julian would say it is idolatry.

Pater Noster. Sed Libera Nos A Malo.

The girl is baking a cake. She is going to bake it, cut it in half and make two layers of frosting, one on the inside and one on top. Yellow cake with dark chocolate frosting. We are eating well. Perhaps soon we will have nothing but rice. I need to buy more rice.

Praying for people. But who am I to pray? Yet I pray for people. People I know. I hope to meet them again. Alone in a house unable to think normally, a nut, an imbecile, but I have family to take care of me and am happy. There is a girl I pray for, and then I pray for everyone. Everyone needs prayers. And I pray for myself. To God and to Mary and to Gemma and to Mary of Egypt and to the saints. I pray.

Pray for me, a sinner who needs prayers. Pray for me St. Moses the Black. Amen.

Silly Thoughts

Her biography says that she rarely bathed and never used soap but always had a nice fragrance coming from her body. A thought that everything bad that comes from us is not because of nature but because of sin. If one has a strong body odor it is because one is a sinner. The reason teenagers have a lot of acne is because at that time the youth are introduced into the world of sexual sins after their innocent childhood. How far does it go?

There is a man who is a hermit who worships at the shrine of St. Francis in Assissi. He went to Mass often and received the sacraments and by all accounts he was a good holy man. He was old but looked good and had smooth skin. Reading about him, someone commented on how young he looked even though he was in his late seventies and the response was that right worship does marvels for the body and the immune system. I look at pictures of the Little Flower while in her convent, in her youth, before her fatal illness, and she looked like a beautiful young marshmallow. She looked so pure. And so do people who are good.

I think of the animals and how when they go poop they do not need toilet paper but it comes out clean. It should be the same for good people. Only sin leads to uncleanness and rottenness. A pure man would not have pimples, because a spoiled face is a punishment for sin. He should always look pure and clean unless the Lord has chosen him for chastisements like holy Job.

But I am being silly. None of this is true, just ridiculous thoughts I am having because I am crazy.

For what it's worth. But humans are such sinful creatures, would that we are pure and beautiful as the paintings of Fra Angelica and worthy of the grace of God, a grace which we all need and some of us desire. I was looking at pictures. People are so ugly. Devils or statues. People have no soul in their eyes. Their eyes are black holes.

But I am a proud man. I think highly of myself. I think I am a nice man and that God is somewhat happy with me and that I have grace and the Holy Spirit is living in my soul. I wish I could go to Church more. My skin is nice and soft. I have peace and am happy with the world. I look at pictures. Of her, who I love.

On Monday my therapist will be calling and I hope my friend Julian calls me and maybe some of my other friends. I do not know a lot of people. I know God. I know Him. And He is above all people. I have her. I love her and pray for her but I am nothing to her. But I love her.

In eternity all the bad in this world will be made up for, if you are numbered among the lambs. I am not afraid of death, I told my brother today. But the world is terrifying. I think of her a lot. And my Gemma. There is a lull in my days between 4 PM and 6 PM where I have nothing to do. The rest of my day is good and pure. My pandemic routine.

My brother wants me to become a stock investor. I could study and learn how to invest and become rich off of my tiny disability checks. For what it's worth. I love her but am nothing to her. But I love Gemma and I know she loves me. All the love I have for her is paid back a thousand times. My sweet love.

Like I said before, I am happy with my investment in a selection of holy cards of Gemma with third class relics in them. The pictures are pretty, because her soul was pure and pure souls are beautiful to look at. She was a little angel. I do not know anyone alive who was like her but the thought of her makes me happy. I hope to one day meet her in heaven. I believe in heaven. Life is nothing. I want to die soon.

Holy Innocents

For the first time since this lock-down began I was able to go to a Church to pray. The Churches in the diocese of Brooklyn are all locked. Some in Manhattan are open, but they have no public services. My father offered to drive me and my mother to Holy Innocents. They are open and they had Eucharistic Adoration.

So we visited Jesus. I said my prayers and looked at Him. And He looked at me. I sat quietly for about an hour and forty five minutes. I started by praying the Rosary slowly and quietly, then some hours and the stations and my prayers for someone special to me. I prefer sitting before Jesus in the monstrance even to Mass. It was a good prayer time. Happy day.

My SSPX chapel is not having Mass either. So no Mass for me. I couldn't even go to a Novus Ordo Mass if I wanted to. I hope to visit Jesus again sometime soon. Back to normal when they have Him sitting in the monstrance two days a week plus Sunday.

So I am glad that Father drove me. He doesn't like the old religion like I do. He speaks of how when he was in high school during Vatican II, the brothers would tell him, all that the nuns taught to you as a child forget about all that. He did not forget, but he stopped believing. He sometimes brags about the Church history and theology he knows. But in my thirty eight years as his son he never taught me any of it, other than referencing something to ridicule it or point out perceived hypocrisy. He does not like the new religion either. But he does not want people to believe in the old religion.

He likes looking at old Churches and taking pictures of stained glass windows because they are beautiful. My father is not too bad of a guy. He is moral for a regular person and works to help support our family. He takes care of us which means a lot. But he is not pious or respectful.

I am a strange person though.

Emily

I am sorry Emily. I hope you are happy.

Hey, Ho, The Wind And The Rain (And The Snow)

My father drove my mother and I to a local Church where they have the Stations of the Cross outside for people to pray. We got there a little after three. We were alone. I prayed with my mother, my father wandered around. We prayed the Stations from the Angelus Press Missal, which I think are really nice, my favorite of the ones I own. At St. Benny's they actually have a modern Stations written by Pope John Paul II which I thought were really good, but I do not have that one at home. It was cold and very windy. The wind blew my book around and made it hard to keep the page. Then halfway through it started snowing and I tried to cover the book to keep it from getting ruined. The snow let up after a few stations. Then it was over and we went to sit at the Lourdes Grotto for a few minutes. A pious woman put a holy card of the Little Flower on the wall of the grotto.

I thought there might be people praying at the stations for Good Friday at three O'clock, but there were none. There were two people on the grounds but they left soon after we got there.

I would do it again. I think that Holy Innocents is opening up again on Wednesday with Jesus in the monstrance, so I think I will go there on Friday. Hopefully they will have Benediction.

Michael and the girl have been here since March 18th. Over three weeks. We still get along. I don't talk to the girl much. She says "thank you" a lot. She is French and English is a second language to her. She teaches Americans French for a living.

Aurora is still living and eating fish flakes twice a day.

Just wanted to say again that I do not trust sedevacantist priests. Though I have some friends who are laymen who I like and hope are not schismatic. Angry Tom and Julian and also Ben and Nick.

So we prayed today for Good Friday. I did not have pizza tonight. I had fish sticks and french fries. Adieu.

The Stations of the Cross

So some people are sick. They say there are a lot of people at Elmhurst hospital. My older brother once spent time in the psych ward there. It did not help him. He said there was nothing to do but walk down the hall, turn around, and walk again down the hall. It made him crazier. I never was there. I know Jamaica Hospital better.

Things fall apart. I am saying my daily prayers. My brother and the girl are going out jogging daily. We cook dinner. Last night I made chocolate brownie sundaes. Everyone liked them. Michael said it was a good idea. I am fasting. Trying to juggle my rice and lentils routine with being a good host and cook. Tonight it will be rice and lentils, and I am making other random food, different kinds for different people. A frozen lasagna, two hamburgers. I like my hamburgers better than the one I ate at "Hamburger Heaven" on Lexington Avenue. But they are not special. All one has to do is buy ground beef from the grocery store and add a little salt and don't overcook it. One can add butter for flavor. I am not a vegetarian, though in an ideal world I would be. In an ideal world I would be a vegan and I would be healthy. From what I understand vegans have to take vitamins to make up for some nutrients that are lacking in plant sources which are normally gotten from eating animal products. One can eat eggs to make up for it, and not eat any meat. I guess that is the best way to go. Bread, rice and lentils, and one egg. With salt.

The buses are still running and they free now. But you have to enter in the back door so as to keep the drivers away from people so they don't get ill. I want to take the bus to Glendale on Good Friday. They have a Lourdes Grotto and outdoor Stations of the Cross which I plan on praying if it is not raining. I have my book.

Tonight I am drinking beer with my father. I have more than him. I have two large cans and then to bed. My father is having a 22. It is a precautionary measure to keep up the spirits. I am fine and happy. Even though I do not have many friends and I cannot go to Church. No visitors are allowed at the nursing home so I cannot visit Julian. I will try to talk to him on Tuesday.

My days are routine. Prayer at twelve, three and six. Then night prayer. And my little prayer when I wake and before I go to bed. Then the Rosary which I have been praying while walking. I take two walks, one to 102 st and one to Atlantic Avenue. Sometimes I change routes or take an extra walk. I cannot visit Churches. I look at Catholic websites on my computer and sometimes news. I cook dinner at night and eat. Different things, different nights. I talk to my family. I am uncomfortable around the girl as I do not know her. The centre cannot hold.

So it is not very stressful in this time of pestilence even though I am without the sacraments. I am keeping up and trying to make things a little happier by giving ourselves a little pleasure. Through food or drink. Or taking a hot shower. There are too many people in the house to indulge in a warm bath. My Little Office is getting worn out. I like the contents but it is a paperback and the pages are glued and not sewn. So it looks like it will soon begin to fall apart. I have a different version which is harder to pray and understand but is made better. I may have to start using that one. In this time of pestilence.

I feel alone. Alone with God. I feel at peace with God. So I am happy. But I do not have a lot of godly friends. There are other people from Church. Like Julian. But only a few. Cora and Karen talk to me and we send text messages to each other or talk on the phone sometimes. And angry Tom calls on occasion. They are good people. I think Cora in particular is very pious. She is always praying. She is seventy eight but I used to look at her and marvel at how beautiful she looked even though she was so old.

I wonder if it will get bad and we will have to eat nothing but rice and lentils soon. That would be nice. Maybe there will be a depression and things will never go back to normal. That would be fine with me as long as we don't starve to death and the government does not start torturing us for the pleasure. As the gulag captain said, "I do not just want your work, I want your suffering." So as long as the authorities do not go all sadistic on us and everyone does not start dying, I would be content with poverty.

They say that the good God takes care of the retards and the crazies. For my sake I hope that holds true in my case. So far in my life it has. The good God through my family has always taken care of me since I went crazy twelve years ago. I hope things will continue to go well for me. And if not, I hope I can learn to take care of myself. I wonder if one day I will end up in some kind of institution. I know a woman who lives in such an institution. They help take care of the mentally ill and the patients have a little autonomy. They can leave to go to the store or to Church, but they are there to take care of them when help is needed. If I found myself in such a place I would be happy.

I am looking forward to tonight. My indulgence of a little beer. With my father. I am lucky to have a family. Even though I am the only pious one in the family. I pray for them generally and I wish they would not watch television. I tell them not to and that it is the devil's tabernacle. But they don't listen to me. Oh well. Now it is a little past three. I will leave you now to say my prayers. In this time of pestilence say a prayer to the good God.

A Family of Five

We are a family of five for the moment. Michael moved back home from Philly and he brought a girl with him. So now we are five. It is nice to have Michael to talk to anyway. We had dinner as a family last night.

In my diocese first they said that there will be Mass but the obligation to attend was suspended. The next day they cancelled all Masses but said the Churches will be open for private prayer. Today as I was in Church praying the janitor informed us that they were closing the Church. Now in our diocese all Churches are closed. I have yet to learn if our little SSPX Mission will be closed. As of last Sunday it was open, but things change quickly in times of pestilence.

I am not worried about getting sick. I am worried that a lot of people will lose their jobs and become poor and this illness will lead to a depression. I would not mind being poor if there was enough to have a place to live and some food. But other people would not like it if they are not as simple and want nice things. I just hope the government does not get all 1984 on us.

So now I have to say my prayers at home instead of in front of the tabernacle. The girl is in my room, I am in the basement and my brother is in the living room.

So we are a family of five now.