Stations of the Cross

What makes you happy? Do you have happiness or only relief? When I was younger I never had happiness, but I only had relief. I feel more happiness now. I feel happy. I have no troubles in the immediate present. I have no great things, but I am content. I am taken care of. I will never amount to anything but in my own little world I am happy.

Everything in my life used to be a series of addictions. But now I am getting better. I am trying not to eat again to take over that impulse. I want to have no masters and get to the point where I could voluntarily starve myself to death and refuse food even to the point of death. Not that I ever would kill myself. But to be as much of a master over my self as I can be. Of course God is my master. Even the wicked have God as their master as the devil is a slave of God though unwilling.

So I am fasting again. For real. As I did before. So if it goes well I will be losing weight again. It will make me happier if it is as it was before.

I am looking forward to a book I will be buying from Angelus Press. A bunch of different stations of the cross. I started praying them every day. It is good for me. I go to Church and pray. I try not to be noticed. But I have a nosy neighbor who is always watching me. I like her but I feel odd around her. She knows I like to pray. She talks to me about it. She asked me why I don't have a girlfriend. I told her I am looking for one, which is kind of true, but I know is very unlikely. I told her it was hard to find one and she said really? And I said, a good one.

A good one.

I do not have very strong passions any more. I think it is good. I am getting older.