Into the Sea

One of my refrains is "into the sea." It is something I say.

I do like going to Church. There are people there. They seem like nice folk who are good and pray.

I do try to be good. But I talk to myself too much. And sometimes I say not-nice things. I do not get angry or upset or bitter or hateful. But I say strange things and sometimes bad things. I guess it is a vice. I started to slap myself in the face whenever I talked to myself, whether good or bad. Thoughts are alright, but speaking out loud seems wrong. But my mother saw me slapping my face and told me to stop doing that. So then I started saying a Hail Mary whenever I talked to myself. I remember the late Father Gruner advising a man who couldn't stop blaspheming to say a Hail Mary whenever he blasphemed and his habit ended quickly. I am doing the same. I do not think it is a sin, because it just comes out of me without any thought. A sign of a wicked heart. I guess I do not have a pure heart.

I am working on it. I am trying. I have been trying especially since I got out of the hospital. Trying to be pure. Praying more. Not listening to rock and roll music. I have found classical music to be superior as music anyway. Not just 1451451454545 over and over again. But I think it would be thought to be wicked in its own time anyway, just not as bad as the wicked music of today. Opera especially.

Into the sea. I am a different person than I was when I just got out of the hospital. The medicine effects me. It suppresses my imagination and deadens my strange ideas. And I have problems thinking. I have less energy also. But I do trust in God and feel like I am in a good state.

I went to confession on Sunday. I had little to confess. Once a month, he said. So I told my failings like talking to myself. I don't know when frequent confession became common. I heard once that in the early Church Catholics were only allowed to go to confession one time in their life plus on their deathbed. So if they ever committed a second mortal sin they would have to do penance for the rest of their lives, stay outside the Church and beg for prayers from the good Christians for the rest of their lives and hope that they do not die suddenly so that a priest could reach them before they die. Now we go every week and confess little sins and not just big ones. Also, they used to give real penances, like seven years of fasting for one mortal sin. Such things inspire awe. Now one receives a penance like pray one rosary for something like fornication. The penance is so slight compared to the sin that it makes the sacrament almost seem like a joke. Is that what one could call penance?

Into the sea. I will go into the sea.

My fasting is not going well. I eat too much. I do not think it is a sin, the amount I eat, but it is not penitential so I am failing on what I intended to do. I wanted to fast for forty days but every day I eat and eat and eat. It is like the devil is tempting me and since I see it as slight, for it is not Lent, I give in. I give in almost every day. I still pray, but I do not fast.

I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism Number 3 into notebooks like a child in religious class. I do not remember what I wrote. But I know if I finish copying it out completely it will be in my heart even though my heart is broken and I cannot access it from there. But after the day of judgment it will be written on my heart in my glorified body and I will remember it forever.

I am seeing enemies everywhere. As if everyone in the world is an agent of the devil. Some people I know surely are. But everyone, even people who pretend to be holy. It is hard to judge when it comes to religious people. There are ways of discerning that I use. Are they lax? Do they imply that Jews can be saved without Baptism? Do they believe in evolution? Those are three I use. And I use my judgment. At the same time I trust everyone I know, but I trust no one. Like sedevacantists, to take one such group. I now think they are schismatics and tools of the devil. But I think many of them just do not know better and my best friend is a sedevacantist and I try to be good to him. Our priest knows what he believes and gives him the sacraments so I guess he thinks his beliefs are okay to hold.

Into the sea. I will go into the sea and drown in the waves of brine. I cannot swim but I will go into the sea. The poet sees the sea as his mother, as mother Mary is the star of the sea who guides us home. Into the sea. I love the world and think it is so beautiful, listening to birds, but I love and hate nearly everyone I know. I do not think there are a lot of good people in the world today. Nobody really believes and those who seem to are only looking to make money. I have to sell a thousand copies of "The Catholic Inquisitor" so I will be real strict and try to act more Catholic than everyone else (not to be mean to Louie, I am not completely serious).

I want to go into the sea. My mother. Why is drowning to the bottom of the sea the most frightening of deaths when it should be the most comforting?

A note of ambivalence. Tonight we are eating Chinese food for dinner. I do not know why I would note that but I do.

Into the sea. I am not inspired to write much lately. I am going to Church more to pray before the tabernacle or the Blessed Sacrament exposed on Thursdays and Fridays. It is a good habit. Jesus is there. And I really believe he is there and try to love Him. I believe I do love Him. But not enough, I know. And just because I love her and because she is so very beautiful I will post a picture of Gemma at the end of this little post. I could look at her always and never get tired of looking at her and I hope to be with her in heaven one day forever and ever. Peace.