Lay Apologist

I remember my friend from Church angry Tom telling me that I was a writer so that I should become a lay apologist for the traditional Catholic faith. He suggested I try contributing articles to the Remnant (or was it Catholic Family News?). I was surprised because I did not know he knew I was a writer (not that I am really a writer. I was an English Major from a time right before my school stopped teaching about literature and started teaching progressive politics instead. But I am not a writer really except for this blog which I write a little for but every few months or so get scandalized by my posts and delete most of them). I guess Ronan told him that I wrote a screenplay. I did tell Ronan who is friends with Tom so he probably told him. In fact now I have written two screenplays. I wanted to write three but haven't started working on the third yet. They will not be movies because I do not have connections and it is hard to get screenplays made into movies, but the plan is to turn the three of them into a Novel in three parts. I will probably delete them before they ever see publication as they are not innocent. His blood be upon me and upon my novel. It developed over an attempt to feel better about a woman I was in love with. The first one cured my loneliness, the second one helped cause in me a strange breakdown and recovery, and the third is as yet unwritten.

I already deleted both my screenplays in a moment of scruples, but luckily my reader Robert had saved copies of them that I had sent him so I was able to recover them. It is a strange scruple I have but it is recurring. Scruples. After I converted at some point I felt like most of my books were wicked so I threw away many of my books. And then I threw away all of my CDs and all of my DVDs, even the ones that weren't scandalous. I do wish I still had my Criterion Ozus. But I am happier having weaned myself off of mindless stimulation. I find stimulation leads to resentment beyond a basic level of necessity. Was is Socrates who said "Yes, sex is pleasurable but it will make you a slave"? Well I agree and am trying to avoid slavery. Some things are harder than others. I am weaned off of sex and stimulation. But I still have to eat and drink. When I give up big things, I want to replace them with little things. So I will have a little bread or an extra cup of coffee. Ideally I would reach the level where I could happily starve myself to death. I did reach that level when I was fasting. But my sloth has led me back into slavery to food. I am 158 pounds. I should be 140 so I am 18 pounds overweight. A slothful glutton.

Sex certainly felt like a drug and so did drugs and alcohol which I am no longer a slave to. Food is more subtle so it does not harm my contentment. I do not have to go to fancy restaurants to get a fix of delicacy. I am happiest to be free of the mindless stimulation of television and motion pictures and radio. However it hurts me when I am introduced to such stimulation now that I am weaned of it. Just the thought of listening to Rachel Maddow bickering about Russia or Ukraine makes me want to puke and kick the television in the face like in that German Movie about the Moroccan (or perhaps he was an Algerian). Je ne sais rien. So I am a writer. Not skilled, but I am happy. I have been ever so happy since I got out of the hospital in late July. I am like a hermit though. I am always thinking about God or about charity. It is like an obsession but a happy one. So I do pray a lot now. Not structured but all the time. Like the background of my mind is always praying Hail Mary praised be to Jesus Christ Our God. Thurdays and Fridays are good because I get to pray before the Blessed Sacrament exposed. And going to the Latin Mass on Sundays is the best day of the week.

Tomorrow is All Saints Day. It is Friday. Prayer before the Monstrance and go into the City to Holy Innocents where I will hopefully meet some of my Church friends. Then Church on Sunday. Now that the Lovely Helena plays the electric piano most Sundays we have music. And singing. No more quiet but instead beautiful music.

So I should start writing articles. Where do these people come from? Sometimes I like reading articles, but then other times it feels like they are vultures, begging subscriptions from scandalized traditionalists and looking forward to acts of idolatry so they can get more money. Sometimes I think they are worse than vultures but are wolves wanting to lead the faithful astray and devour them. And other times I think they are good people, but it is hard to imagine anyone involved in the media to be a good person. Anyone. But I do wonder where these people come from. Where did Taylor Marshall come from? I am seeing him all over Youtube and people are talking about his book Infiltration. I do not trust him but I admit he may be a good guy. He was an Anglican presbyter and when he converted he turned down the opportunity to become a rare western rite married priest and is now an FSSP traditionalist lay apologist. I would not be able to write a work of traditionalist non-fiction because I do not like doing research or using footnotes and I get sickened by all the filth. I will stick to fiction and to my blog posts where I can ramble. Poetry is rare for me and when I am on my Zyprexa it kills my inspiration to write poetry. But that is better than acting like a faerie and ending up in the hospital. When I was in the hospital there were so many things that happened that I wonder if they were real or not. Like when I was with a worker and he was trying to get me to sell my soul to the devil, and I refused. Or when the fellow patient was telling me how he does not eat any seafood because it is all really water-bugs and he does not want to eat water-bugs. Or how they gave me a piece of gum that when I chewed it gave me the knowledge of God and a caramel candy that when I sucked on it gave me the power of God. Does that make sense to you? It did to me at the time kind of.

So I should write articles for the Remnant now and be a lay apologist. Perhaps I could marry Hillary White. People still take Michael Voris seriously so perhaps I could make a name for myself.

I have nothing in my life except for religious things. All my time belongs to God. IT is good, no? What else should I do with my broken mind? I Can offer it up. Je sais? Je sais.

Tom is sick with cancer and is going through chemotherapy. I hope to see him tomorrow at Holy Innocents. We can get coffee after Mass and talk. Or perhaps there will be other people there. I am happiest alone, but I like good friends.

Julian is blind. He says he loves it when I visit him and as I was about to leave on Tuesday he asked me when I was visiting again. I said probably sometime next month. He is my best friend. Julian the blind man from Church. He prays for us. I pray for him. The communion of saints. He wants to be cured. He got upset when I expressed doubts that he will be miraculously cured. He wants to be cured. I was trying to tell him that it may be that God wants him to suffer his blindness in patience to make up for his sins and the sins of the world. Like the saints did. But he got upset. He really wants to be cured. It is difficult for him. He wants to see again.

So that is my blog post. I hope you liked reading it. I know if I want to get views I should attack and condemn people because all of us are vicious catty detractors who take pleasure in feeling better than everyone else. But what should we do if people really are bad? Je ne sais rien. So I should be a writer.