Church News

I try to live in a sheltered bubble but I sort of follow Church News. I read some blogs and people talk at coffee hour. People talk about apostasy among the hierarchy. I do not bother about it. When I used to care more it was not good for my spiritual health. There is nothing I can do about it so why should I bother? I hope I can continue going to my Low Mass on Sundays and go to Eucharistic Adoration or pray before the tabernacle.

Karen said you should not go to the Novus Ordo parishes because there are devils there. She thinks the Novus Ordo is valid but illicit. But it is valid so Jesus is really there. Is it not good to go there and keep Jesus company? In this world of pain should we really be afraid of devils? Should not the devils be afraid of us? The world is covered with devils we are constantly surrounded by them and many of us were in league with them for many years and were slaves of them and how often have we made love to the demons? But now we are supposed to be children of light. So shouldn't we try to keep Our Lord company in the tabernacles and wouldn't the devils flee from us as we come to adore Him?

I try to love people. But often I don't trust people. I think everyone is well-meaning, but at the same time I think everyone is duplicitous. Everyone is good, but deep in their heart everyone really wants universal damnation.

I feel safe myself. I feel like I am doing alright. But I do feel alone sometimes. I have a few Church friends.

I don't know what I am trying to express in this blog post but tomorrow is Eucharistic Adoration. I wish it were every day. I don't know why there is a difference between praying before a monstrance or before a tabernacle but for some reason it feels better and more real before the Blessed Sacrament exposed, as if there are more graces for some reason as if the bronze of the tabernacle door blocks the good God's graces from reaching us. To gaze not upon a crucifix but directly into the eyes of God himself and he gazes back into our eyes. There is nothing to say, except for "O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart."

That is my most favorite prayer these days. I don't know if it is working. I feel happy but one can never judge the state of one's own soul. I feel like I am at peace and in the state of grace and free of demonic oppression or obsession but for all I know I could be in grave sin and possessed by a thousand demons. I wish I remembered more from the hospital. It was a battlefield. I wish I could remember the visit of the priest and what went on there. Apparently he performed an exorcism and gave me a New Testament in Spanish and gave me instructions which I do not remember and the New Testament was stolen from me. "O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart."

I am getting better at the quiet prayer. That is what I call being quiet and having peace and not thinking while looking at the tabernacle or at Jesus or at the crucifix. I do not know what is supposed to happen when one prays. Is one supposed to repeat little prayers over and over again like "O Jesus . . ." ? Or is one supposed to mentally re-watch the passion over and over again? Is one supposed to let one's mind wander? Or is God supposed to take control of one's mind and give it wisdom? I have no teacher and am on my own not knowing what to do. I wish I had a desert father to ask about, one who has become all flame and has reached the highest state of perfection possible in the world today. Are there men like that today? Perhaps locked away in a monastery somewhere? Like the men in the deserts who can move mountains with their prayers? O how Russian of you to believe there are one or two desert monks who can move mountains. So I do not know how to pray. But I love the quiet prayer now. As I lay in bed I can gaze at my crucifix and have peace like the peace of death.