Into The Sea

Walking on eggshells. I feel strange around the house with everyone. Today was the feast of the seven sorrows. I was reminded of it by a girl. I prayed the Te Deum today.

Thinking of the world, it is the calm before the storm. It is still pleasant. Our family of five still has money and are not angry at each other yet. My brother has bad luck. Really bad luck. Everything is going wrong with him. And I say this as the rest of the family, including myself, has been lucky for a long time. But he has bad luck. Everything is breaking and going bad, without saying what are his problems.

Not watching television, I do not know what is going wrong in the world. Strangely enough, my interactions with the world are limited to reading Cathinfo and Suscipe Domine and following a few Catholic accounts on twitter. So I don't know much. I hear that some people are getting 1200 dollars from the government. I am not sure if I am included. I would just give it to mom and dad or my brother.

I have a little fish named aurora. She is a goldfish. Every morning I turn on the light and feed her. And every evening I feed her and turn off the light. I have had her for eight months. If she has grown, it is not by much. I have her in a ten gallon tank. They said that a goldfish can grow as large as a football. That has not happened to my aurora just yet. She is still small. I feed her. I bought her a set of two Greek columns to swim around and through and to look pretty in her tank.

My friend angry Tom is looking for a place where they still have Mass. Some private or semi-private chapel. There is nowhere to go. I told him if he found someplace I would go with him on Easter. As it stands now, on Good Friday, one week from today, I will go to the Church in Glendale and pray at the Lourdes Grotto and say the Stations.

I do not know what to think.

This blog is the record of my thoughts. I don't write much anymore but it is how I am doing. My life for anyone who is interested. My life is not interesting, but it is a good life for the most part, now, and has been since late July.

I am looking at aurora. I am in the basement with her now. She still swims around. I wonder how long she will live.

But life is as life is. Everyone is wearing masks when I go out. I still take my walks. I go to stores less, and when I do, gloves and masks, usually. No one in my family is sick. Julian was sick, but he told me he is better now.

I a not trying to be interesting. My life is not at all interesting, so my blog should be dull also. Many people try to make up for having a dull life by reading books or watching television of movies. I am trying to live a normal life without the need for interesting things to happen or to watch interesting stories. I live, I think, I say my prayers much of which are similar or the same from day to day. Thursday I have my hour so it is special. It was better before the Churches were closed, but I make be with what is be.

My new Gemma prayer cards with relics are pretty. Some of them are paintings with angels and Mary and Jesus and of course my Gemma. She died when she was twenty five. There is a nice one of Mary holding baby Jesus and and Gemma genuflecting and reaching out towards the baby Jesus. There is an angel standing with his hand raised and a little baby cherub holding the insignia of the Passionists, a black heart with a cross. There is another with Gemma with her wounded hands, pointing towards Jesus on a Cross, surrounded by angels.

To think of holy things. I  must be a strange person. What is the world? All I ask for is enough to survive in a simple way until I die. Hopefully sooner rather than later. And not be tortured or abused or on the street (or if I end up on the street, it is not as unpleasant as it seems). Perhaps I will spend the rest of my days in a mental institution and live there with the crazies and the nurses. That would be a life. I could draw pictures and look at my holy cards, if they let me have them. I never lived in a mental institution. There used to be more of them, but years ago they closed many of them and just let the crazies be homeless or go to jails. But I read an article that suggested that in the future, because of governmental policy changes, they may be coming back. So it may be my life. In my time in the psych ward, they never let me have a rosary or wear a scapular. So I had to make do. And they do not allow the patients to wear belts out of fear of suicide, so everyone (if they are wearing street clothes) has to tie their pants tight with short strings tied to the belt loops.

I am not trying to make my blog popular. It is what I am. I am not trying to impress girls so they would marry me. But perhaps some people will find my blog and get something from it. Or at least know what I am like as if we were friends. I have to get back into a better habit of prayer. I will be good today, starting now. So be peaceful, now is the time to go for my walk. So be it.