The Stations of the Cross

So some people are sick. They say there are a lot of people at Elmhurst hospital. My older brother once spent time in the psych ward there. It did not help him. He said there was nothing to do but walk down the hall, turn around, and walk again down the hall. It made him crazier. I never was there. I know Jamaica Hospital better.

Things fall apart. I am saying my daily prayers. My brother and the girl are going out jogging daily. We cook dinner. Last night I made chocolate brownie sundaes. Everyone liked them. Michael said it was a good idea. I am fasting. Trying to juggle my rice and lentils routine with being a good host and cook. Tonight it will be rice and lentils, and I am making other random food, different kinds for different people. A frozen lasagna, two hamburgers. I like my hamburgers better than the one I ate at "Hamburger Heaven" on Lexington Avenue. But they are not special. All one has to do is buy ground beef from the grocery store and add a little salt and don't overcook it. One can add butter for flavor. I am not a vegetarian, though in an ideal world I would be. In an ideal world I would be a vegan and I would be healthy. From what I understand vegans have to take vitamins to make up for some nutrients that are lacking in plant sources which are normally gotten from eating animal products. One can eat eggs to make up for it, and not eat any meat. I guess that is the best way to go. Bread, rice and lentils, and one egg. With salt.

The buses are still running and they free now. But you have to enter in the back door so as to keep the drivers away from people so they don't get ill. I want to take the bus to Glendale on Good Friday. They have a Lourdes Grotto and outdoor Stations of the Cross which I plan on praying if it is not raining. I have my book.

Tonight I am drinking beer with my father. I have more than him. I have two large cans and then to bed. My father is having a 22. It is a precautionary measure to keep up the spirits. I am fine and happy. Even though I do not have many friends and I cannot go to Church. No visitors are allowed at the nursing home so I cannot visit Julian. I will try to talk to him on Tuesday.

My days are routine. Prayer at twelve, three and six. Then night prayer. And my little prayer when I wake and before I go to bed. Then the Rosary which I have been praying while walking. I take two walks, one to 102 st and one to Atlantic Avenue. Sometimes I change routes or take an extra walk. I cannot visit Churches. I look at Catholic websites on my computer and sometimes news. I cook dinner at night and eat. Different things, different nights. I talk to my family. I am uncomfortable around the girl as I do not know her. The centre cannot hold.

So it is not very stressful in this time of pestilence even though I am without the sacraments. I am keeping up and trying to make things a little happier by giving ourselves a little pleasure. Through food or drink. Or taking a hot shower. There are too many people in the house to indulge in a warm bath. My Little Office is getting worn out. I like the contents but it is a paperback and the pages are glued and not sewn. So it looks like it will soon begin to fall apart. I have a different version which is harder to pray and understand but is made better. I may have to start using that one. In this time of pestilence.

I feel alone. Alone with God. I feel at peace with God. So I am happy. But I do not have a lot of godly friends. There are other people from Church. Like Julian. But only a few. Cora and Karen talk to me and we send text messages to each other or talk on the phone sometimes. And angry Tom calls on occasion. They are good people. I think Cora in particular is very pious. She is always praying. She is seventy eight but I used to look at her and marvel at how beautiful she looked even though she was so old.

I wonder if it will get bad and we will have to eat nothing but rice and lentils soon. That would be nice. Maybe there will be a depression and things will never go back to normal. That would be fine with me as long as we don't starve to death and the government does not start torturing us for the pleasure. As the gulag captain said, "I do not just want your work, I want your suffering." So as long as the authorities do not go all sadistic on us and everyone does not start dying, I would be content with poverty.

They say that the good God takes care of the retards and the crazies. For my sake I hope that holds true in my case. So far in my life it has. The good God through my family has always taken care of me since I went crazy twelve years ago. I hope things will continue to go well for me. And if not, I hope I can learn to take care of myself. I wonder if one day I will end up in some kind of institution. I know a woman who lives in such an institution. They help take care of the mentally ill and the patients have a little autonomy. They can leave to go to the store or to Church, but they are there to take care of them when help is needed. If I found myself in such a place I would be happy.

I am looking forward to tonight. My indulgence of a little beer. With my father. I am lucky to have a family. Even though I am the only pious one in the family. I pray for them generally and I wish they would not watch television. I tell them not to and that it is the devil's tabernacle. But they don't listen to me. Oh well. Now it is a little past three. I will leave you now to say my prayers. In this time of pestilence say a prayer to the good God.