Her biography says that she rarely bathed and never used soap but always had a nice fragrance coming from her body. A thought that everything bad that comes from us is not because of nature but because of sin. If one has a strong body odor it is because one is a sinner. The reason teenagers have a lot of acne is because at that time the youth are introduced into the world of sexual sins after their innocent childhood. How far does it go?
There is a man who is a hermit who worships at the shrine of St. Francis in Assissi. He went to Mass often and received the sacraments and by all accounts he was a good holy man. He was old but looked good and had smooth skin. Reading about him, someone commented on how young he looked even though he was in his late seventies and the response was that right worship does marvels for the body and the immune system. I look at pictures of the Little Flower while in her convent, in her youth, before her fatal illness, and she looked like a beautiful young marshmallow. She looked so pure. And so do people who are good.
I think of the animals and how when they go poop they do not need toilet paper but it comes out clean. It should be the same for good people. Only sin leads to uncleanness and rottenness. A pure man would not have pimples, because a spoiled face is a punishment for sin. He should always look pure and clean unless the Lord has chosen him for chastisements like holy Job.
But I am being silly. None of this is true, just ridiculous thoughts I am having because I am crazy.
For what it's worth. But humans are such sinful creatures, would that we are pure and beautiful as the paintings of Fra Angelica and worthy of the grace of God, a grace which we all need and some of us desire. I was looking at pictures. People are so ugly. Devils or statues. People have no soul in their eyes. Their eyes are black holes.
But I am a proud man. I think highly of myself. I think I am a nice man and that God is somewhat happy with me and that I have grace and the Holy Spirit is living in my soul. I wish I could go to Church more. My skin is nice and soft. I have peace and am happy with the world. I look at pictures. Of her, who I love.
On Monday my therapist will be calling and I hope my friend Julian calls me and maybe some of my other friends. I do not know a lot of people. I know God. I know Him. And He is above all people. I have her. I love her and pray for her but I am nothing to her. But I love her.
In eternity all the bad in this world will be made up for, if you are numbered among the lambs. I am not afraid of death, I told my brother today. But the world is terrifying. I think of her a lot. And my Gemma. There is a lull in my days between 4 PM and 6 PM where I have nothing to do. The rest of my day is good and pure. My pandemic routine.
My brother wants me to become a stock investor. I could study and learn how to invest and become rich off of my tiny disability checks. For what it's worth. I love her but am nothing to her. But I love Gemma and I know she loves me. All the love I have for her is paid back a thousand times. My sweet love.
Like I said before, I am happy with my investment in a selection of holy cards of Gemma with third class relics in them. The pictures are pretty, because her soul was pure and pure souls are beautiful to look at. She was a little angel. I do not know anyone alive who was like her but the thought of her makes me happy. I hope to one day meet her in heaven. I believe in heaven. Life is nothing. I want to die soon.
Wednesday, April 29, 2020
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Everything Is An Illusion
Just thinking that everything is an illusion. A phantasm of the demons. The houses, cars, buildings, schools, all an illusion. Even the people, some of them are dead, some of them are demons, and some of them are real people. I think the animals are real, and the flowers and the birds. They are so beautiful. And one day we awake and find that there is nothing but God and the angels and the souls of men created by him, beautiful beyond compare, but the world is dust and ashes peopled by demons and by ghosts. Like the man in the hospital who would not eat because he thought all the food was insects and he did not want to eat insects. Nothing but ensure.
Sunday, April 26, 2020
Holy Innocents
For the first time since this lock-down began I was able to go to a Church to pray. The Churches in the diocese of Brooklyn are all locked. Some in Manhattan are open, but they have no public services. My father offered to drive me and my mother to Holy Innocents. They are open and they had Eucharistic Adoration.
So we visited Jesus. I said my prayers and looked at Him. And He looked at me. I sat quietly for about an hour and forty five minutes. I started by praying the Rosary slowly and quietly, then some hours and the stations and my prayers for someone special to me. I prefer sitting before Jesus in the monstrance even to Mass. It was a good prayer time. Happy day.
My SSPX chapel is not having Mass either. So no Mass for me. I couldn't even go to a Novus Ordo Mass if I wanted to. I hope to visit Jesus again sometime soon. Back to normal when they have Him sitting in the monstrance two days a week plus Sunday.
So I am glad that Father drove me. He doesn't like the old religion like I do. He speaks of how when he was in high school during Vatican II, the brothers would tell him, all that the nuns taught to you as a child forget about all that. He did not forget, but he stopped believing. He sometimes brags about the Church history and theology he knows. But in my thirty eight years as his son he never taught me any of it, other than referencing something to ridicule it or point out perceived hypocrisy. He does not like the new religion either. But he does not want people to believe in the old religion.
He likes looking at old Churches and taking pictures of stained glass windows because they are beautiful. My father is not too bad of a guy. He is moral for a regular person and works to help support our family. He takes care of us which means a lot. But he is not pious or respectful.
I am a strange person though.
So we visited Jesus. I said my prayers and looked at Him. And He looked at me. I sat quietly for about an hour and forty five minutes. I started by praying the Rosary slowly and quietly, then some hours and the stations and my prayers for someone special to me. I prefer sitting before Jesus in the monstrance even to Mass. It was a good prayer time. Happy day.
My SSPX chapel is not having Mass either. So no Mass for me. I couldn't even go to a Novus Ordo Mass if I wanted to. I hope to visit Jesus again sometime soon. Back to normal when they have Him sitting in the monstrance two days a week plus Sunday.
So I am glad that Father drove me. He doesn't like the old religion like I do. He speaks of how when he was in high school during Vatican II, the brothers would tell him, all that the nuns taught to you as a child forget about all that. He did not forget, but he stopped believing. He sometimes brags about the Church history and theology he knows. But in my thirty eight years as his son he never taught me any of it, other than referencing something to ridicule it or point out perceived hypocrisy. He does not like the new religion either. But he does not want people to believe in the old religion.
He likes looking at old Churches and taking pictures of stained glass windows because they are beautiful. My father is not too bad of a guy. He is moral for a regular person and works to help support our family. He takes care of us which means a lot. But he is not pious or respectful.
I am a strange person though.
Saturday, April 25, 2020
Weakness
So there is some sort of controversy. Michael Voris's outfit have accused the SSPX of sexual improprieties. I hope the SSPX priests are innocent.
But about weakness. I can imagine for many priests life is difficult when one is celibate. I am celibate so I understand. I have no wife and am alone. For me it is very easy. I can't explain why other than I started praying for graces after my conversion and the temptations went away, and I got older. But it is easy. But I understand for many men it is difficult. Looking at a young woman, it is natural to desire being with her. And for a priest that is forbidden. They say at times in the past, many priests had concubines. I am forgiving of affairs with women. Men are weak especially when they are stressed or lonely.
But homosexuality is another matter. Especially with young boys. I was never a homosexual. It is baffling to me. I imagine the condition exists because the devil tells men to do such things and influences them, knowing that it would be displeasing to the good God.
But with women it is understandable to me as a natural desire.
I like girls. Some of them are beautiful. The good ones. And even some of the bad ones look nice even though you can see the sin in their eyes. The sin in their eyes.
P.S. I think Voris is a joke. The more you know. But I also think all the trad for profit industries are a joke. And the "grifters" are a joke. Evangelization for $9.99 a month! Join our Patreon! I have more respect for the pornographers. Well maybe that is a bit much.
But about weakness. I can imagine for many priests life is difficult when one is celibate. I am celibate so I understand. I have no wife and am alone. For me it is very easy. I can't explain why other than I started praying for graces after my conversion and the temptations went away, and I got older. But it is easy. But I understand for many men it is difficult. Looking at a young woman, it is natural to desire being with her. And for a priest that is forbidden. They say at times in the past, many priests had concubines. I am forgiving of affairs with women. Men are weak especially when they are stressed or lonely.
But homosexuality is another matter. Especially with young boys. I was never a homosexual. It is baffling to me. I imagine the condition exists because the devil tells men to do such things and influences them, knowing that it would be displeasing to the good God.
But with women it is understandable to me as a natural desire.
I like girls. Some of them are beautiful. The good ones. And even some of the bad ones look nice even though you can see the sin in their eyes. The sin in their eyes.
P.S. I think Voris is a joke. The more you know. But I also think all the trad for profit industries are a joke. And the "grifters" are a joke. Evangelization for $9.99 a month! Join our Patreon! I have more respect for the pornographers. Well maybe that is a bit much.
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
So My Life Is Happy Now . . .
So My Life Is Happy Now. I am being bad today. I am having some beer. For the quarantine, to relieve stress I am indulging in alcohol once or twice a week. It is a preventative measure. I have been happy. You know how my life has been. I have my prayers and my walks and dinner and then to bed. I give a tithe of my time to the good God. Since I got out of the hospital in late July I have been pious for me. And very happy. I am happy for my family. But life is frightening. I worry that the devil has got me. That my soul is lost because of my sins. That I have no hope. But they say to "Never despair of God's Mercy." Witchcraft. But I never signed anything in my blood. Mrs. Greenblood was her name.
I was in the car with my father and "Like a Rolling Stone" was playing and when he squealed out "As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes And say do you want to make a deal" and I thought that was Dylan singing about how he sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune and I wondered if my fate was the same as Dylan's. I do believe that most people who are famous have made deals with the devil. That is the price you pay to make it big. Even to make it little. I have made nothing. My life is very simple for American standards, though it is above the level of the homeless man. I have no resources, but no desires. So for all it is I am content. Mrs. Greenblood. Even the homeless man can look up at the sky, listen to the songbirds, and watch the seagulls, and the bees and the butterflies are coming soon. Such beauty is given to all, even in the big city. Acetylene. To cast oneself into the sea to drown at twelve noon on one's thirty-third birthday.
I can understand suicide. If one thinks one is damned and cannot stop sinning. If one is in despair, then suicide will end the length of ones' sins. So that if one ends it the eternal suffering will be less than if one lived a full length of days and continued to sin. But to face that eternity. Even if it would be better to end it than to live. A few years of alcoholism seem better than facing hell just right now even if overall the suffering would be far less.
There must be a lot of people in despair. I wonder. I fear I am among them, but I like piety and thinking about God. Is that all a ruse? Am I among the damned as well? As I feared when listening to Dylan's song? I have little attachment to sin. I do not lust. I could give up the little pleasure of a bit of beer if I had to and I do not drink to drunkenness. I am content. If I do go to hell, I want to love God a little now before I am damned and have a little happiness in my piety for a while. I have no doubts, thought I wrote about doubts in my stories. Everything is real and Jesus lives. Angels and demons. And those who have made a deal. But one can repent. I guess a lot of people believe but hate God so much that they do not want to repent. They would rather be with the devil and suffer than love God in heaven and be happy. The witches. Am I a witch then? My brother once said to his friend "we ruled the world". I don't want to rule the world. I only want to be one of Gemma's thousand friends in heaven. And perhaps know the good God. I cannot imagine that. I can imagine being friends with a beautiful girl.
The most beautiful living girl alive who I know is the beautiful Cecilia. I speak about how most people who I see look ugly as sin, but Cecilia looks beautiful as innocence. Remember how my delusion and the first thing that came to me as part of my craziness was the thought that I could see people's sin and that everyone was a horrible sinner. I hope she finds a good husband and lives a happy life and goes to heaven when she dies. And then there is the lovely Helena who plays the organ. I miss going to Church. It has been a month or so. I told Terry about my little devotion. The one I pray for me and my two friends who I love. The Hail Marys. Just a short post. God Bless You. I may purchase an Icon of St. Mary of Egypt to pray before. She is an important saint to me. Babylon.
I was in the car with my father and "Like a Rolling Stone" was playing and when he squealed out "As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes And say do you want to make a deal" and I thought that was Dylan singing about how he sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune and I wondered if my fate was the same as Dylan's. I do believe that most people who are famous have made deals with the devil. That is the price you pay to make it big. Even to make it little. I have made nothing. My life is very simple for American standards, though it is above the level of the homeless man. I have no resources, but no desires. So for all it is I am content. Mrs. Greenblood. Even the homeless man can look up at the sky, listen to the songbirds, and watch the seagulls, and the bees and the butterflies are coming soon. Such beauty is given to all, even in the big city. Acetylene. To cast oneself into the sea to drown at twelve noon on one's thirty-third birthday.
I can understand suicide. If one thinks one is damned and cannot stop sinning. If one is in despair, then suicide will end the length of ones' sins. So that if one ends it the eternal suffering will be less than if one lived a full length of days and continued to sin. But to face that eternity. Even if it would be better to end it than to live. A few years of alcoholism seem better than facing hell just right now even if overall the suffering would be far less.
There must be a lot of people in despair. I wonder. I fear I am among them, but I like piety and thinking about God. Is that all a ruse? Am I among the damned as well? As I feared when listening to Dylan's song? I have little attachment to sin. I do not lust. I could give up the little pleasure of a bit of beer if I had to and I do not drink to drunkenness. I am content. If I do go to hell, I want to love God a little now before I am damned and have a little happiness in my piety for a while. I have no doubts, thought I wrote about doubts in my stories. Everything is real and Jesus lives. Angels and demons. And those who have made a deal. But one can repent. I guess a lot of people believe but hate God so much that they do not want to repent. They would rather be with the devil and suffer than love God in heaven and be happy. The witches. Am I a witch then? My brother once said to his friend "we ruled the world". I don't want to rule the world. I only want to be one of Gemma's thousand friends in heaven. And perhaps know the good God. I cannot imagine that. I can imagine being friends with a beautiful girl.
The most beautiful living girl alive who I know is the beautiful Cecilia. I speak about how most people who I see look ugly as sin, but Cecilia looks beautiful as innocence. Remember how my delusion and the first thing that came to me as part of my craziness was the thought that I could see people's sin and that everyone was a horrible sinner. I hope she finds a good husband and lives a happy life and goes to heaven when she dies. And then there is the lovely Helena who plays the organ. I miss going to Church. It has been a month or so. I told Terry about my little devotion. The one I pray for me and my two friends who I love. The Hail Marys. Just a short post. God Bless You. I may purchase an Icon of St. Mary of Egypt to pray before. She is an important saint to me. Babylon.
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