The Sin Parade Day

 Today was the pride March. It is rightly named as pride is the deadliest of the deadly sins and sodomy is considered by some saints to be the worst sin so that sodomites suffer greater pains in hell than any other sinners. The flag is the rainbow. The rainbow was a sign of God's covenant with Noah after the flood. It is used ironically by the gays because the reason for the flood according to some was because the world had fallen into the embrace of sodomy and gay marriage. Spit in the face of God. What does a rainbow have to do with sodomy? Shit is brown and blood is red.

Of course I went into the city today to go to Church. Our Mass is in a building in Soho now and not in the Soldiers and Sailor's Club anymore. They sold that building. Mass was beautiful, as it always is. There were so many people in the subway with rainbows and half naked. So many young people. When I was in school the worst insult was to call someone "gay" and now they are all celebrating it. Everyone is brainwashed. I wish one day a real rain would come and wash all this scum off the streets. 

I don't think things look good for New York City. I see it falling back into racial strife and crime. I hope my neighborhood stays safe. It has always been safe. I was never mugged or approached or even bothered by a stranger in all my life here. My father was robbed once on 110th street coming home from work in the ninetees when crime was worse than it has been lately.

After Mass Louis was there so we went out to get real food. When he is not there we get donuts and coffee. When he is there we go get real food. Today we went to a pizza place called Marinara. I had a chicken roll and some garlic bread. Bishop Williamson and Father Hewko came up. And me and Louis spoke about Steve Skojec and Taylor Marshall and how Louis thought Marshall was more popular but I argue that Steve was popular as well. They were called grifters. Both of them make six figures off of donations from Catholics, but we both agreed that Marshall has a better show. Someone wants to move to Portugal. Where the dogma of the faith will always be preserved. Houses are cheap there, so they say.

Coming home on the subway a girl was passed out on the train. I was thinking about waking her up because I thought she had slept and passed her stop. But I let her be. When my stop came she woke up and got out. I watched her. She went down and under and went back up the stairs to go to the train going back the other way. She had missed her stop. Nighty night.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

Rainbow

"Love My Mother, love My Mother more and more. You will never approach the love of My own Heart for her by yourself, but I, by My free gift, can and will unite you to the love of My Sacred Heart for her. Thus will you come to experience the ineffable union of our two hearts in your own heart."

I saw the most beautiful rainbow tonight as I went out to buy a bottle of soda from the store. A sign of the covenant with Noah. Was able to go to Church today. Holy Innocents for high Mass. I am still waiting on St. Christopher's where I would prefer to go but they are not yet having Mass there. It is not even in a regular Church building, but in a rented hall where they have an altar on a table and some chairs.

I see the rainbow as a sign of God. That he is happy with me and that this week, as I was able to go to Mass for the first time in months, and receive Jesus into my heart while for the longest time I could only visit him in His house in the tabernacle, and on Saturdays look into His Heart but never receive Him into my soul. It was happy to look at Him. For some reason, I am happier looking at Him with my eyes, even than when I receive Him into my heart. I do not know why this is. Maybe it is because I am too worldly. But the rainbow was a sign that God is happy with me and that I do good to do what I am doing, though it is different than what I was doing before I was hospitalized last year in July. I am doing good and am happy.

"Spend less time at the computer and more time in My presence. I wait for you here. I long to see you before Me."

"When a priest approaches My altar laden with sins that have not been confessed or for which he has not repented, My angels look on in horror, My Mother grieves, and I am again wounded in My hands and My feet, and in My Heart. I am again struck on My mouth and treated with a terrible ignominy."

I Hate Television

When I was a child I used to play Nintendo and sometimes my father would get angry and kick the Nintendo until he destroyed it because he was sick of me always playing it. And then he would get me a new Nintendo. I do not remember how many times this happened. I think it happened twice. When I grew up I stopped playing video games and then I stopped watching television. I thought it was a stupid waste of time and infuriating how stupid it seemed to me. And when I became religious I saw watching it as utter slavery to the devil.

I feel similarly in my old age about the television as my father did about the Nintendo and when my parents watch it. I get angry whenever it is on. My parents watch it. Most often they watch MSNBC. I get so angry. It is not just TV, but the Communist news propaganda network, in my mind possibly the worst channel there is. Sometimes I yell at them and tell them to stop watching. And I warn them that watching the television is worshiping the devil. It is how the computer would be if all there was on the internet was porn. I doubt my parents, especially my mother, will ever give up the TV. But it makes me angry. I feel as if at my mother's judgment God will say for every hour you spent adoring me in the Blessed Sacrament, you spent a hundred hours worshiping the devil before the television. They don't care. They probably dismiss my warnings as part of my insanity. But they are good to me except for when they torture me with the television and I love them and want the best for them. I see it as watching my parents committing mortal sin every day with nothing I can do about it. As if they are murdering Jesus and sending themselves to hell in front of my face and when I object they do not listen.

I think I will have to stop complaining. It is pointless and causes division. I will keep my feelings to myself I guess.

In SIlence

In silence one will find peace; in much speech one will find much sin.

Something the monk was speaking of was the numerous sins that come from much speech. I know I speak too much. I am an ignorant fool so I should remain silent, yet I speak. It is a weakness. I feel the need to express myself in the hopes of finding understanding. And perhaps to ask for help and to help those who need it. I have this blog where I express my thoughts freely. And I speak to people on the internet in forums and things.

When I think of my sins. Lately, I think the sins I commit most frequently are saying aloud bad thoughts. When I think, it is a peculiarity of my condition, I often say my thoughts out loud. Usually when I am alone. Sometimes I fear that I will say bad things around other people and they will accuse me. But mostly I say bad things when I am alone. I think about things, and thinking leads to me speaking to myself. Father Purdy told me that if I just speak without thinking and do not really mean what I say, and it is just a slip of the tongue, there is no sin. But he also seemed to think I shouldn't be talking to myself, even if it was not sin. As if that was a sign that there was something wrong with me; which I admit is likely to be true.

But it seems like a sin. Surely venial. But to say bad things, even without meaning them. It is like I have a devil in my heart living there and I am a sinner and my heart is truly black which is why bad things come from it. The words of the mouth are the substance of the heart overflowing. What one says in the silence of the night without thought is what one truly believes. There is no better indication of the state of one's soul, than the content of one's dreams. Perhaps. But the demons give us dreams often to scare us and corrupt us, but then so does the good God and our guardian angel give us dreams to enlighten and encourage. To divine the meaning of dreams.

I regret the fact that I deleted my dream blog. Over five hundred of my dreams recorded and I deleted it forever. Stupid me. Vanity of vanities. I had many religious dreams. Often in my dreams I was at Mass or receiving Communion or saying prayers. Sometimes I would die in my dreams, and most of the time as I was dying I would pray the Salve Regina. In my dream that was the prayer I would say to prepare for death. Not the Ave Maria. I do not often remember my dreams now that I no longer record them. I think the act of recording them gets one in practice and disposes one to remember one's dreams more often. For two years I remembered my dreams most nights, and often multiple dreams during one night.

So in silence one finds peace; in speech one finds sin. I am a sinner because I speak. I think before I speak unless it is my nervous habit, and meditate and I often pray during the day. My favorite writer was Dostoyevsky and my favorite book was The Brothers Karamazov. He was a Russian Orthodox believer who is buried in a monastery. I guess the Orthodox are the closest to Catholicism of all the other religions. One must say that outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation so he was damned, yet he was baptized so we could hope for his repentance. I should start praying for Dostoyevsky. Or would that be an act of false ecumenism? Perhaps I should rather pray for Blaise Pascal.

They say that Saint Alphonsus Liguori wrote a hundred books. The only one I read was The Glories of Mary. I was told that reading Liguori would lead one to despair, except for that one book, The Glories of Mary. They say the Church used to be stricter until the Jesuits ruined it and turned the Church of Christ into the Church of presumption. It did not start with the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

I am not a great saint. In some ways I do well. My heart is pure for such a sinner as I am (relative to how I used to be. I only know my own heart and not that of others, and it is better than it used to be). I do not lust after women. But I am weak. I eat food and drink beer too often. Never to drunkenness, of course, but I have some at night and then go to bed. I am ten pounds overweight. I can be better when I try, but I do not try lately. I am content to say my prayers and be a regular person, but not of the world for the most part. I do not watch television ever or movies often or listen to modern music much anymore.

They say the best prayer is prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Since Jesus is truly present, he hears your prayer in the person of the real presence directly, and not just as the God who sees all thoughts and knows all desires everywhere. So the best prayer is before the Blessed Sacrament on the altar. Before the monstrance, but best would be before a monstrance without a glass. Or at the moment of the elevation at Mass when the priest holds up the Body of Our Lord, like the time I was looking and saw the host glow like the sun in Church when I was a new believer and was still filled with the demons of my youth.

I am a sinful man and my heart is the abode of demons. I do not think this is true any more. I think my heart holds God inside of it and the good God expelled the demons. I am sorry for my sins. I went to confession. I am clean now. Perhaps. I do not feel tormented by them any more. I fell last year, but I did not die; I lived to repent. And now I am okay.

So I am trying to stop talking in this way. When I do, even when I say something not bad, I pound my chest, "Mea culpa . . ." I was not always like this. This is something that I started doing about two years ago. Maybe it is because of excitedness or stress or not fasting enough. Or maybe it is the devil's new way of tripping me. I pray more now, but I am talking more now also. I want to be better.

Lust

For some reason I am not often drawn to lust any more. I don't know if this is normal. I am now thirty eight years old. I became religious when I was twenty six. Then I started fighting temptations to lust instead of entertaining them. Now it is no longer an issue. I am not sure why. I could say, my mental condition and the medicine I take could contribute to it. The lack of practice. Addictions are easier to avoid as time goes on. When one breaks a habit. But I wonder because I see people who are always fighting such temptations and even see things such as a story of a young priest asking an old priest when the temptations to desire young women will end and the old priest tells the young one "I will tell you when they end if that ever happens." I still love women, but for some reason I do not lust after them or think of them in a lustful way.

I say this because while I was waiting for the pizza man to give me my pizza I saw a young black woman wearing a face mask who had a nice looking body and I was drawn a little bit towards the beginning of a temptation towards lust. She was wearing a dress and had slippers on her feet and was gabbing on the telephone. It was surprising because it does not often happen to me anymore so I noted it. Then I got my pizza and went home. Our family had pizza for dinner tonight as we do every Friday.

But there is a person who seems to have problems with lust. He can not get his head around the idea of Christian purity considering how man is naturally inclined to lust. As if God could not demand purity if he creates us with base instincts that make purity difficult. And the idea that procreation is necessary for the perpetuation of the human race contradicts this for him. He once admitted to being addicted to lust and masturbation, even joining some sort of masturbators anonymous, or perhaps it was sex addicts anonymous, based on AA, where he went to meetings and they talk about their addictions to sins of lust in hopes of overcoming them. This program is not religious but is secular. I guess it is like "no-fap". The person is not a Catholic, though he has tried various forms of Christianity including Catholicism in the past. I could advise him if he were interested. I wonder if in his time in Catholicism, if he ever had the true faith (the Christian beliefs he expressed in the time I knew him were not orthodox Catholic ones) and if he did if he was ever able to stay in the state of grace for a prolonged period of time, or if he was one of those Catholics who goes from week to week, always confessing and always falling back into the same sins soon after, in this case lust. I imagine he was one of these. He does not seem like the type to live in sin and not receive the sacraments at all, or worse, to live in sin but still take Communion. But it is interesting seeing him try to think about religion and God in his state. I wonder if his mind is clouded by his sins which keep him far from God or if God is near him in spite of his sins. We are not friends and have never interacted much, though I did rebuke him once for his beliefs, but I see him talking sometimes and sometimes think of him. He seems like he is politically correct, as far as Christians go, and not a right-wing "nutter." Peace be upon him. In talking about him I do not want to seem like I am looking down on him or am better than him, only that I do not habitually fall into the same sins that he fall into, by the grace of God. Who knows, hopefully he does not anymore either, and has overcome such urges, though I believe he is not now Catholic so he presumably does not have the grace of God, not being invincibly ignorant, if such exemptions do exist.

I don't know. I have a friend from Church who I will not name who told me he struggles with looking at pornography and masturbating, so I told him about the Three Hail Marys devotion for purity. He started praying it, but I have not seen him during this lock-down so I do not know how his struggle is going. I imagine if he is of good will it is going well as the devotion helped me very much and I imagine the Blessed Mother is giving her Christians extra graces to avoid sin now that confession is not easily available because of the lock-down. I am glad this vice is easy for me to avoid as it seems to cause so much trouble in the world and it is good because as an imbecile I do not and will never be able to have a lawful outlet for feelings of lust in a wife (though it is also a sin to lust after one's own wife, but they say it can help assuage concupiscence). I know that the world pushes all sorts of lust at us all the time and wants us to indulge in them so that we will be surely be damned. But I wonder how frequent it is for Catholics to fall into such sins. Am I uncommon in not often falling in to them? Or am I normal? I see that I could more easily fall into sins of drunkenness than into lust, but how goes everyone else? I have no idea. I imagine most of my friends from Church and the Christians I know on the computer are relatively pure and pious. But there are rumors and stories of impurity being everywhere, outside of my bedroom, even in the Church where I imagine things and persons are relatively pure of heart.

Weakness

So there is some sort of controversy. Michael Voris's outfit have accused the SSPX of sexual improprieties. I hope the SSPX priests are innocent.

But about weakness. I can imagine for many priests life is difficult when one is celibate. I am celibate so I understand. I have no wife and am alone. For me it is very easy. I can't explain why other than I started praying for graces after my conversion and the temptations went away, and I got older. But it is easy. But I understand for many men it is difficult. Looking at a young woman, it is natural to desire being with her. And for a priest that is forbidden. They say at times in the past, many priests had concubines. I am forgiving of affairs with women. Men are weak especially when they are stressed or lonely.

But homosexuality is another matter. Especially with young boys. I was never a homosexual. It is baffling to me. I imagine the condition exists because the devil tells men to do such things and influences them, knowing that it would be displeasing to the good God.

But with women it is understandable to me as a natural desire.

I like girls. Some of them are beautiful. The good ones. And even some of the bad ones look nice even though you can see the sin in their eyes. The sin in their eyes.

P.S. I think Voris is a joke. The more you know. But I also think all the trad for profit industries are a joke. And the "grifters" are a joke. Evangelization for $9.99 a month! Join our Patreon! I have more respect for the pornographers. Well maybe that is a bit much.

Sedevacantism

There is a small number of Catholics who are called sedevacantists. My best friend Julian is among them and so is angry Tom. If you do not know who they are, they are a small group of people who are scandalized by what the last few Popes have done and have come to the conclusion that it is impossible for a true Pope to do what they have done, so therefore they are not Popes somehow. They reject the papacies of all the popes after Pope Pius XII and believe that there has been no Pope since his death in 1958. I used to be very sympathetic to their cause, but now, not so much. I have come to think many of them are pious fools, many are scientistical heathens, some of them are perverts, and many of them are schismatics. I truly believe my friend Julian is a good Catholic, but some others, not so much. I do not trust the priests among them. They look at the church and are scandalized and say, this cannot be the Church, so they leave and start their own Church. Sometimes among them there are sex scandals, but this is not unique to them. They are independent so there is no oversight. The first large organization of sedevacantists was founded by a layman who got himself ordained by a schismatic Bishop and started a sect who turned out to become a drug addict and a pederast. Some claim he eventually started wearing white and declared himself the true pope. He is dead now. His followers kicked him out and claim to be clean now. But with such beginnings. Can a rotten acorn produce a healthy oak tree? Well our souls are conceived in sin yet with God's grace we can become saints. It is similar to the Legionnaires of Christ who are among the mainstream Church, but sedevacantists claim to be the pure true Church which if they were correct should be immune to such scandals if they were blessed by God? The faithful remnant.

Is everyone a slave to sexual sin? Does everyone else other than me have sexual fantasies and watch porn and commit such acts of impurity in act, even people claiming to be pious Catholics? I do think the world is wicked and enslaved to lust, but when I see people I think they are good and chaste, especially people who claim to be religious. Perhaps it is because I went crazy, but I do not suffer from such problems. Like when I was a child before such perversions were introduced to me, so I am now. I have no interest in them. I do not think of such things and the idea of them does not please me. Maybe a kiss from a devout wife but I am really a prude if such a word fits and does not imply deviancy. I used to commit such sins as a young man, but when I converted I had to give such things up and I did and it was hard at first, but now I am clean. Perhaps because of my mental illness, but I think it is because of God's grace and the help of His Mother and the Saints.

I am thinking often about the idea that sin scars the body as well as the soul. the thought that the reason little children are more beautiful than older people is not because they are smaller, but because they are more innocent. And when people get older they become ugly because of their sins which perverts the body as well as the soul. Over time a sinful person starts to look vile and repulsive, even if they were born beautiful, and a holy man starts to look beautiful even if they were born ugly. They have a glow about them and look like the angels in Fra Angelica's paintings. That is my theory as to why most women are ugly without makeup after their short spring of youth, even before they take up the stress of motherhood and raising children. I imagine as the world gets more and more wicked, the faces of people will get more and more ugly, until even the children will look like little devils, even the little ones, because now they are getting corrupted even in their youth. I know me myself was not corrupted until probably the sixth grade, and especially middle school. From communion with the other children who were advancing into puberty, and from watching television and going to school, with things like sex ed, which was tame back then, they did not even speak of sodomy. And seeing pornography around the house. But is this dangerous to think? Probably. How can one know by looks alone? One can be easily mistaken. It is just a thought. But some people just look holier than other people. I think of my Gemma and the Little Flower who looked like angels, but they were young, and Pope Pius X who looked like a saint even as an old man on his deathbed. Can you really see grace in the faces of God's holy men, and can one really see sin in the faces of the wicked? Is it possible for one to be like Christina the Astonishing who could see and smell sin and would flee from it, even to the point of flying away like a bird into the fresh air?

I don't know but I do not think most people are beautiful. Everyone is ugly. I do not think I look ugly myself, for some reason when I see my own face in the mirror I think I look good, even though I am middle aged now. But so many other people just look ugly to me. It is a strange delusion, similar to my first attack when I thought I could see sin in the faces of the people who came in to get coffee and I freaked out. But anyway I do not like make up. Hiding behind a glaze. Can one really be called a lover if one hides from them behind a mask?

Perhaps I am getting ill again, thinking such things. Who knows what is real and how the world works. Who can one trust? Is there a Padre Pio alive today who can read souls? There should be one among the traditional Catholics, should there not? But there is only Archbishop Lefebvre and he is long since dead. He is also among those who I believe looked holy so I consider it possible knowing about his life that he was a good man and not the leader of a schismatic false revolution.

So I am no longer sympathetic to sedevacantism. I believe Francis is the real Pope, but I believe he is a bad one. Things fall apart. There are others who believe that Pope Benedict who is retired and living in the Vatican is still the Pope even though he denies it and resigned seven years ago. Most prominent among those is Ann Barnhardt. I hold the sedevacantists in higher regard than the Benevacantists as they are jokingly called.

And in my judgment of people's looks, I am sad to say that a prominent Bishop who is in the news looks like an evil man to me. He just looks wicked, even though he is supposed to be the good guy. One can not judge by looks, and I hope he is an angel. But it is just a strange delusion I have, or perhaps a gift. When I look at his face I think badly of him. I was in the court house with my Father who is a lawyer and I was looking at all the people there and I thought all of them were ugly, except for one woman, who looked like a normal person, but not beautiful.

Animals are more beautiful than people. But not all animals, but the ones I normally see. People have the potential to be more beautiful than animals unless they are defiled by grievous sins. But in the fallen world we live in today, it is better to look at the animals. The animals, the moon, the clouds, the sun, the stars. And then the ugly people. In a world so devastatingly beautiful, us people are an ugly pox, not because of our nature, but because of our sin. The sin that cries out to heaven for vengeance. Because of our sin.

So I am feeling delusional lately, thinking such things.

Three Hail Marys

Of all of the prayers I pray, there is one devotion that seems to me to be more powerful than all the others. It is not praying the Rosary, but a little devotion.

I remember one day when I was new at Church, a man named Andre, who moved away years ago, gave me a little prayer card. On the front it had a black and white picture of Our Lady of Perpetual Help with bejeweled crowns of gold on the heads of the Baby Jesus and Mother Mary.

And on the back it described a devotion.

Every morning you should pray three Hail Marys as soon as you rise from bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this day from mortal sin."

Every evening you should pray three Hail Marys right before you retire to go to bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the similar prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this night from mortal sin."

Like with many devotions, this prayer card came with a promise of salvation for those who faithfully recite the prayers every morning and every night until death, or perhaps, senility.

I think this is a powerful prayer because I used to be tempted with sins of impurity like many young men, but when I took up this devotion these temptations went away and I had peace ever after. I am like a quiet man on an island who grows enough food to survive, has a clean source of water, and good friends who come once a month to give me all I need to survive. I have a peaceful happy life.

But I was thinking about this powerful devotion because there is a man who I was talking to after Church. He told me he suffered from temptations against purity and sometimes fell into sin. Namely, he spoke of pornography. This is a difficult sin. I remember when I first tried to give up sins of impurity the devils had their claws in me and tempted me terribly. It was far more difficult than quitting cigarettes, which was hard, or cutting down on drinking beer, which was relatively easy. There was even one time where I felt my body compelled to commit an act of impurity against my will as if the devils were controlling my body but, my will resisted and I did not consent. They say there are monks who left the world and even after decades of fasting in the desert, they were still tempted by fornication. I am fortunate that I no longer suffer from such temptations and I hope they do not return. I think this devotion the the Blessed Virgin Mary is the reason.

But I will write down this devotion on a little card and give it to my friend and tell him that it helped me avoid the temptations he is struggling with. I hope it helps him too. He must trust me because he told me about such an embarrassing sin.

Michael

I love my brother Michael but I do not understand. Who is he? Is he really a person?

I bought a salami. Julian wanted a salami sandwich. So I bought a salami for him. I wanted to visit him today, but he told me that he had to go to dialysis today so I could not visit him. So I went to Church to pray instead. I can do that often. The Church is a block and a half away from my home. It is never crowded in the middle of the day. Other people have to work or don't care to visit God when they are free. Sometimes homeless people are there, but not always. Usually it is me alone before the tabernacle. I wonder what if Jesus is not really there because Julian is right and the Novus Ordo does not have true sacraments? Would that make it bad to go there? They say that wherever a priest says Mass even one time, the angels go to visit and worship God there until the end of time. So even if a Church goes out of use, the angels remain there and it is holy ground. So even then, perhaps it is good to go there and be with the holy angels and worship God there as the Church is older than 1969 and was the scene of countless valid Masses.

About how to be a good person. I think it is  most important to be chaste. I do not know the right words. But to not commit sexual sins. One should not masturbate or fornicate or adultery or sodomy. One has to control one's base passions. And if one is married one must have relations so as to have children. It is important not just to not do these things, but to not want to do these things, and to not even think of these things with desire or longing. To not be an addict to one's passions. One should want to be innocent like a young uncorrupted child. Teach a boy to masturbate and he will cease to pray. One must look up to God like he is truly your father and that he loves you and cares for you and that you love him in return. And that no matter what happens, even if the most evil things happen to you, in the end you will be happy with him forever if you remain faithful to him and love him. A child of grace. If one merely does not do bad things, but one wants to do bad things, and would do them if they were not punished by God, would one be good? Or merely afraid of punishment?

The more I have quiet, the more and more I despise nearly all entertainment. My father was listening to old pop songs and I was disgusted and thought to myself, people listen to music all day, every day, and even in the fifties is was just as bad; all it is is propaganda exalting fornication. Sweet little sixteen. To think that people allowed this and listened to this in their homes for generations. Their children. And people try to say we were moral and good back then? It makes me think everyone is a devil and they all deserve the moral and social decay that has happened in the past few decades. It really is very perverse. I think of Churches having mixed dances playing sexualized music to teenagers with the priests as impotent chaperones, some perhaps knowing that they are complicit in the damnation of those young souls, but they did nothing to object. I can no longer watch television or movies or other such things. Nearly everyone I see is a pervert. Even the conservative voices are often perverts. I read some conservative content and listen to some conservative talks on the computer and sometimes I am shocked by them. It makes me want to be alone, or just remain in Church all day looking at Jesus. But then I think at some Churches the priests are perverts also like was reported in the Post. So even if I do have Jesus in the tabernacle or in the monstrance, He was brought down here to earth by the hands of a sexual deviant. But perhaps Julian is right and Jesus is no longer there. As in the Eagles' song, "We haven't had that Spirit here since nine-teen sixty-nine".

I do not know. I do not understand.

So chastity is the most important virtue for me. I am sure that I am wrong. But I see it is tied up in innocence, and innocence is what we all should be. Innocence born or innocence regained. As like unto little children. There is a wonderful story about the parents of the little flower. After their marriage, perhaps a year later, her dear mother was sad because she was not pregnant yet and she spoke to someone about how she wanted to be with child but was not even though she had prayed for a child ceaselessly. In the course of the conversation it was discovered that neither she nor her husband knew what sex was and that that was the way one became pregnant. She just thought that if one was married and prayed for a child, God would grant it and the wife would become pregnant. After this discovery was made they were surprised and asked their priest if it would be better to remain in a Josephite marriage or to have children. And the priest told them to have as many children as God sends to be a good example to the other Catholics. In the world I want to live in everyone would be like those parents. Not that I am angry at God creating a world with sin, but I imagine what it would be like if there were less sin in it than there is.

I have heard one traditional Catholic priest who came across this same thing, so it exists today. He married a man and a woman and they did not have a child and the priest found out later that they did not know what sex was. So he told them. And they were so repulsed by the idea that they decided not to have sex and to not have their own children, but to adopt instead. Ever after this priest, just to make sure they knew, would instruct the couples he was to marry about what sex was to make sure that they knew. So people are innocent even today.

I am a lucky person. I have family that takes care of me. Without them life would be hard and I would lose hope. My mind is just not fully functional anymore. I hope they live longer and that I remain safe after my parents leave me, or that I leave them before they leave me.

I kind of wish I still went to AA meetings. It was nice to hear people talk as if they were friends. But it was too cultish for me. But I wish there were similar meetings where people talked, perhaps a Church group or something, however a Church group would be odd because of my peculiar religious beliefs.

Julian wouldn't like the priest we had say Mass for us on Sunday. He was too liberal on EENS for him (or for me). He was talking about protestants being saved without conversion to Catholicism. It used to be the "invincibly ignorant" and now it is any of them who are nice.

I was reading Rod Dreher for some reason and he was talking about sexual depravity as a result of having power over others. Not only among Catholic priests as he often talks about, but in the culture in general. It seems as a race we are so deprived that power leads to rape for many people, inexorably. I find sexuality so ugly honestly, even consensual. But the thought of the things many of those people do makes me almost wish for damnation. And I used to do wicked things myself before I became religious, so I know a little about depravity. Now I only want to be innocent. To be virtuous. But I am weak. I am not courageous. I am not a fighter. I would like to be a monk or a hermit and have a quiet life of silence.

It is new year's eve. Tomorrow is the beginning of year 7218 since creation if my math is correct. However there are different schools of thought on this apparently. I promised my parents I wouldn't have beer. I have to decide if I want diet soda. I am thinking yes, as a form of celebration.

I am not a good hermit. Robert would not like that I do eat meat. I could easily do without, but I eat at the same table as my parents who would not do without meat so I simply eat what I make them (I do not think eating meat is a sin). And I eat a little too much and drink a lot of coffee and diet soda. I would have to cut down on the meat and eat less and drink less. If I went back to my diet of rice and lentils with an egg with a little oatmeal and some bread and one cup of coffee I would be a better hermit. Since I got out of the hospital I have been a glutton, I admit. I pray a lot, but I also eat and drink and do not fast. Hopefully I will fast well for Lent. But my will power has decreased from what it used to be. I do not get bored or worry or get depressed often lately, but I have my sins.

So happy New Year. Julian and Karen wouldn't like it but I plan on going to Holy Innocents tomorrow for Mass. I should see people I know there and perhaps we can get coffee. 10:30 AM High Mass. I do not think it is invalid, but I don't know about receiving Communion. Would that be wrong if Jesus is really there? I know some SSPX priests oppose even going to the indult, but they do not say it is a sin, even to those who receive Communion there as many people do. But I just want to worship Jesus and talk to friends. So happy New Year. Hopefully next year I will be a better hermit.

On Suicide

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, beatae Mariae semper Virgini, beato Michaeli Archangelo, beato Joanni Baptistae, sanctis Apostolis Petro and Paulo, et omnibus Sanctis, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione verbo and opere, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, beatum Michaelen Archangelum, beatum Joannam Baptistam, sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum, et omnes Sanctos, orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Miseratur nostri omnipotens Deus, et dimissis peccatis nostris, perducat nos ad vitam aeternam. Amen.

Indulgentiam, absolutionem, et remissionem peccatorum nostrorum, tribuat nobis omnipotens et misericors Dominus. Amen.

I confess to almighty God, to blessed Mary ever Virgin, to blessed Michael the Archangel, to blessed John the Baptist, to the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and to all the Saints, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, and deed, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. Therefore I beseech blessed Mary ever Virgin, blessed Michael the Archangel, blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints, to pray to the Lord our God for me.

May the almighty and merciful God have mercy upon us, forgive us our sins, and bring us unto life everlasting. Amen.

May the almighty and merciful Lord grant us pardon, absolution, and remission of our sins. Amen.

In my life I only have a few friends now. I count as friends only among the people who I know from Church, (not because they share the same religion, but because I don't really know many people other than Church friends, except neighbor acquaintances and doctors and fellow crazy patients). And of those only one is a true friend and that is Julian. Julian is like a Russian Old believer, only Catholic. I love him dearly. You see he went blind and cannot see. So I visit him in the nursing home where he lives and bring him food. And he likes to pray so we pray the Saint Michael chaplet. There are also other friends from Church, but Julian is the closest. Next is angry Tom and Cora who moved far away but calls me at least once a month and sends me text messages asking me to pray for her. So I have only one real friend.

But there are other people who I love dearly. You see I have heard speak of suicide among two people who I love. I do not know what to say about that. Neither of these people believe what I believe. I hope they do not go through with it. One is more serious than the other. One mentioned it as a reality already attempted but failed with the likelihood of attempting it again. The other mentioned it more like some beautiful ideal, but not a reality to be chosen immediately.

I am not a movie expert. But the most beautifully filmed movie that in my eyes (of the few that I know) was a late silent film called Tabu, the last film directed by Murnau. It was gorgeous. At the end a man swims into the ocean as far as he is able until his strength fails him and he falls beneath the waves and drowns.

Nobody cares what I write and I do not think the person I am thinking of will ever read this. But what must one think of suicide? I do not know what the person believes. Whether atheist, or satanist, or agnostic. What can I say?

To my mind there is nothing worse that one can do than suicide. Not because it is the worst sin, but because it is one's last act. To end one's life with mortal sin means hell for there is no chance for repentance. I don't know if they believe this. I do not know if they care about me or anything or even know that there is a crazy person far away who loves them and would be heartbroken if they did it or if they care. They already know of friends and family who would be sadder so I am not that important. And the pain that is near and deep is more powerful than the pain of another who may know thee and care. The demon that is gripping one seems stronger than the angel that is far away.

I have been through suffering. Everyone suffers. It is as if it is the meaning of life after the fall. I imagine the devils have a lot to do with suicide. I imagine they grab into souls in despair and sadness and tempt them to off themselves, and when they succeed they drag their souls to hell and gleefully, in their agony, can they sense glee? Yes, glee is a wicked thing. Drag them down forever and forever. It must take a lot of egging on. It is something that I not considered even in my darkest moments. I stopped at black-out drunkenness until I could no longer remember. Perhaps I am innocent. And then when I was tormented by my demons for so long I believed so suicide was not an option so I stopped at frantic prayer in my agony. I have my own demons. Even when I was in the hospital lately the priest thought I was possessed and prayed over me prayers of exorcism and now I am at peace so perhaps they worked. My whole psychosis is caked in religious themes of angels and demons and has been since its beginning.

But if someone I loved, and the person is someone I love but am not close to at all so I cannot just call them on the phone like a good friend, were to commit suicide? My relationship to her is like a person who likes an actress he sees in the movies and thinks about her often. I don't want to think of it or have it happen. But it is out of my hands. I hope it is just bluster and not a serious threat. If it happened, then when I thought of this person I would have to think, she is in hell. And if I am saved I will never meet her again and if I am damned I will be with her forever, but I will no longer love her but would hate her forever. Sometimes in one's romantic moments one might have thought of some girl in one's lust and have said to oneself "when I am in hell, I want to be by her side" but if it ever happens one will regret ever having thought of it.

I am just hoping it does not happen. I have no ears who listen to these words but I do pray. Hopefully I am misunderstanding things and nothing bad is really happening (except to the animals in factory farms).

It is a sensible thing to do. If one is in pain and that pain is unbearable, one thinks one can end that pain by an overdose or a noose or even a trigger. But what if it is not the end of the pain but merely the beginning of the real pain, the pain that never ends?

I don't know. I feel that most people these days must be tormented by the demons. I am at peace. Now. The demons are not bothering me now. I wish that I could take on some of the demons that are hurting other people to myself so that they could have some peace. Or have them go away because of prayers. I don't know. I would take a little suffering to ease another person's pain. I could bear a little more than I have now. Are we in this world together?

Often I pensee that we are in hell and we are all damned and that there is no hope for us and this life will go on forever and never end. Perhaps we will die in the end only to be born again in a new hell and the suffering will continue forever. However one might think this world is not all that bad for being hell. A good point. Or I can think that I do not remember my particular judgment by Jesus so I cannot be in hell. But perhaps when one is born into hell one forgets their "birth" as one forgets the beginning of one's life in the world. Often I think that I am already damned but have gone on living. As if my sins are unforgivable and there is no more mercy available and that everyone else is in the same boat so we are all merely waiting for the inevitable damnation (one must say that there was a private revelation where the Virgin lamented that if men continue to go in in sin there will reach a time where there will no longer be any pardon from God. Perhaps we have reached that time. I know I have played my part). "Some drink, some become sex addicts, and some go on hoping." Others kill themselves with this thought: "Yes, it is a sin and I will be punished, but it will end my life and thus I will not go on living, piling sin upon sin, so in the end I will be better off and my eternity will be a little less painful." While I was in the hospital my parents visited me as often as it was allowed. The nurses and other patients pointed out how good they were to visit me so often. One time I thought that they were vampires and they had turned me into a vampire as a child and now I was un-dead and I got angry at them for stealing my soul and condemning me to eternal damnation before I was old enough to choose for myself. One thinks strange thoughts when one is a paranoid schizophrenic (though usually I am not paranoid).

So I do not blame one for committing suicide, more than any other sin. I do not think it is the act of a coward. But the effects are unthinkable as I believe . . . and in my mind, I know. Perhaps one can think that after they swallowed the pills and before they passed out they repented and called out to God and were forgiven, but they also say one generally dies as one lives and such repentance is rare. I am a nobody. But I cry out in the wilderness and nobody hears me. Nobody has crossed the Jordan to receive my baptism. Perhaps because I am not a saint. I am a fool. Yes, but a fool who loves, but I have converted no one. Perhaps I strengthen the faith of a few, like Julian, who knows, but I am a little man. A poor fool of no account. All alone. What God cares of my prayers? How many have prayed for those who they loved, yet despite their prayers, the ones they have loved were damned?

Yes or no. Nobody reads this anyway. I hope out loud, but nobody hears me. I hope and pray. It is Christmas soon. Merry Christmas. Go to Church and pray, even if you do not believe anymore. Don't hate life.

Bad News

Back from Church. Got bad news from the Queens Chronicle and the New York Post.

We were counting the number of Churches in New York City that have Latin Masses on Sunday and we counted seven. Holy Innocents, Our Lady of Peace, Our Lady of Mount Carmel, St. Josaphat, St. Agnes, St. Christopher, and Our Lady of La Salette.

Our Lady of La Salette has a Bishop and two priests. The papers say the Bishop was just accused of sexual assault against a twelve year old boy. They are independent with orders from a vagante Bishop, possibly of the Thuc line, but they are not sedevacantists. I went to their Church on Ash Wednesday, I believe three years ago. Tom was just talking about their Church and how he wanted to go there with me some Thursday. Now I do not want to go and I wonder if the Church will still have services there if the Bishop is in prison. Perhaps there will be a lawsuit and the remaining two priests will have to sell the Church building. Or perhaps the two priests will carry on. I imagine they will lose parishioners. When I went there, there were many beautiful hispanic women. Why is it always a boy and not a young woman? At least with a woman it would be more natural.

 https://nypost.com/2019/12/06/bayside-bishop-accused-of-sexually-abusing-12-year-old-boy/

Small world. I am not condemning him yet, as he might not be guilty. But this does not look good. There was another Bishop of the Thuc line who was accused of a similar crime whose Masses Julian used to go to and he swore he was innocent. We live in a dirty world. We all know there are issues with the Catholic Church and traditionalists are not free from such sickness. Everyone knows of the infamous seminarian who had a cult of personality going in La Reja and then in Winona who left and went on to found a small traditionalist society of homosexuals in lace.

Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.

But it was good to talk to friends after Mass. I told Tom how whenever Cecilia sits next to me or in front of me I get distracted during Mass because she is so beautiful. She sat next to me today. Tom has cancer. We hope he is not dying.

I got my books back. Jan saved them for me. I am looking forward to Christmas. Only ten days. Things will be learned. I do not want many presents. My brother is buying me a book.

When I am not thinking of dark things the world is beautiful. But there is so much ugliness. My mother showed me the article in the Chronicle and there was a picture and she asked me if that was the Church we went to one time? Yes, it was.

What does it even mean to be a Catholic? Danica says she grew up as a strict Catholic. Then she had her troubles and now she no longer goes to Church regularly and one could say she is a sinner. I grew up lax Catholic and left religion altogether. And then I started to believe and became a traditional Catholic (strict and "crazy"). When I was twenty-six. I was so sorry for all of my sins. Unforgivable, but then I was forgiven. Or so I believe. The feelings of guilt left me. Now I feel innocent. After the demons went away for a while. But what does it mean? For me it is like living like a child. I am a child. I want to be innocent. Like I was when I was a boy getting ice cream from Joe the ice cream man. Creamsicles. In the hospital I loved it when my mother brought me ice cream. I am not an unhappy rigorist who secretly wishes to be a libertine but is afraid of doing his own will for fear of punishment from an angry God. My will is to have a nice peaceful life trying to obey God's commandments, or the commandments that I believe come from God. I want to go to Mass, receive Commnunion, and go to Churches when I can, especially for Adoration and Benediction, which I am lucky to have near me two days a week. If I were to travel into the City I could attend it every day, but it would be unwise to spend the money on subway fare as my family has need of it. But I avoid the Novus Ordo for the most part, but not entirely. I want to look at the consecrated host and talk to God, or at least imagine that I am talking to Him. I do not want to do dirty things. Not that sex is bad, but it has its place, for children. Yes it is pleasurable but it makes you a slave. I have no desire. Even when I look at the beautiful Cecilia, and I love her, but am afraid of talking to her. I do not want to do dirty things with her. I want to be her friend and talk to her and look into her beautiful face. I love so many women. One can say I love Danica as she was the girl from my youth who I loved the most even though I was not important in her own life at all and I haven't seen her in years. I look at pictures and little videos and I pray for her. One can say I love the beautiful Cecilia and since I know her from Church I hope she is innocent and pure, despite being so very beautiful. One can say I love the lovely Helena who sings and plays the organ so nicely. But I know I am not good enough for any woman. I think I will spend my life alone as my disability makes me unable to support a wife and a family, so I have little to offer. So it is sad. But I am content. What does it mean? I just want to sit quietly and pray. What is the value of prayer? I believe in God but how can I serve Him? Is just thinking of Him and loving Him of value to Him even if I do not DO anything important at all? I have a bad habit of talking to myself and sometimes I say bad things. When I go to confession I say the same thing every time. I do not think it is a big sin, but it is repetitive. I want it to go away. When it happens I beat my breast and say "mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa." I know I am not without sin. I remember at the hospital the doctor there pointed at me and said that I was the most innocent of all the people there in the psych ward. I remember with Nido where he put his foot next to mine and it felt like he was giving me psychic energy and something similar happened at night where I seem to remember being in a room with one of the men workers and a woman, perhaps his girlfriend or his wife. Like they gave me energy. I don't know what actually happened and what I was imagining. I had the idea that I was taking my pills and then taking everyone else's pills and I kept taking more and more pills until I got sick and I was lucky I did not die.

I don't know, but I love Julian, and I love Tom. Julian is my very best friend and Tom is the best friend who I see at Church. I hope he does not die. But perhaps he would be happier if he were dead. Without any more pain. But Tom gets angry. At the Church, at priests, at other people. But never at me. Never at me. He was a social worker and he spent his life helping people until his cancer made him unable to work. I wonder if he had a temper with his clients. I wonder if he is ready to die. Sometimes I think that we are already dead and we are all in hell. But if this is hell it is a happy place for being hell. And beautiful. And I do not remember the last judgment. So I guess this cannot be hell. Though I do not die and I have been alive for so very long. Sometimes I think "It has been eleven years since I went crazy, it seems like it has been no time at all". The sense of time when one has a broken memory as I do.

As a crazy person I have a strange existence. It has been so long that I do not remember what it was like to be normal. The island of saints and schizophrenics. I am trying to be both. The demons are not bothering me lately. All I have to worry about is my poor poor broken mind. So I am quiet and I pray and I am happy and content. I love my God. But not enough. I must learn to love better. It hurts me to think of pain. Not of the pain itself but when the pain makes one turn away from God. No God could allow such suffering. I do not have the answer but one must believe.

We went to the religious store and looked at the knick knacks. They had medals of saints. My mother bought Christmas cards for priests and deacons and bishops. I looked at the books. They had prayer books and Bibles. Catholic and Anglican. Statues and vestments. And then we went to the Catholic thrift store where I  bought my chest of drawers. I love Julian. I am going to visit him on Tuesday. I do not pray for him much. He wants me to pray that he be cured of his blindness. But I do not remember to pray for him like I pray for others. I hope my prayers that I do pray go to him and help him, but he seems like he does not need the prayers. He suffers in his disability. I will go to comfort him.

Father told me he visited Julian on Saturday and he told me that he needs visitors. I will go. To my friend. We will probably pray the chaplet of Saint Michael. I will give him a salami sandwich. We will talk. Perhaps about God. To pray is the most important thing. Tuesday for my friend in Advent. I hope to make him a little happier and give him strength to believe even though God has not seen to cure him as he hopes and prays.

Into the sea, Our Lady, Star of the Sea. Keep watch over me and Julian and all of those who are important to me who I pray for and who I forget to pray for. For those I love and those who love me. Thank you for reading. It is past midnight and I am rambling. So bad news, bad news, bad news. The world is such a wicked place. I pray for innocence and for peace for you and for me and for everyone we know and love. Amen.

Just A Thought

When I had a girlfriend named Stephanie I had a thought come into my mind out of nowhere. The thought was "Sex is for children, not for pleasure. It is wrong to have sex for pleasure and not for children." It was the first thought that I had that was remotely Christian while I was living in sin, so I remembered it as an important moment in my life, though I did not follow the thought to its end immediately and in fact not for another year.

Kate (or is it Katie?)

When I was young and sleeping I thought the most beautiful girl I had ever seen was a girl from South Africa named Katie. She had turquoise eyes and went from man to man to man, claiming them as her own. By now she must have a thousand pelts. She may be dead now, or she may have converted. First she slept with my roommate Jason. Then she went with my other roommate Goeff and became the love of his life. Certainly the most beautiful girl he had ever been with as she probably was for most of her lovers. She once told me that Geoff was like "a big oak tree". But she must have found a redwood because she left him after a short while. I never forgot Katie, though I wish I remembered her last name.

But then there was Kate. She was mine. I had a crush on her. I met her in psychology class. She would go around campus on roller-skates and went to raves and took ecstasy and talked about how great fun it was. After class one day she invited me to go look at the snails. It had rained and we went to the garden on campus and looked at all the snails crawling from the plants to the stone steps. They were beautiful but I noticed mostly Kate. One day after class she invited me to her boyfriend's house for perhaps the most boring few hours of my life. She was with her boyfriend, they were smoking weed without me and people were playing the Tony Hawk video game. When I had my turn I didn't know how to play and got zero points in my session. Somehow I got home. Kate drove me.

But the story is years later. Kate still remembered me as she remembers all of the boys in her life. She was in a theater group and my roommate Goeff was making a documentary about the play they were performing. The Serpent by Jean-Claude van Itallie. Kate was surprised that I had started smoking cigarettes. She smoked also. I guess I was supposed to be innocent. We had a party for the cast and our roommates and we drunk and at the end of the party Jason was complaining because Kate and another actress would not leave the apartment but also would not have sex with him.

She told me about the play which was a mock of the Garden of Eden and the Kennedy Assassination. Avante-garde I guess it was. She told me at one point all of the girls on stage would be dancing with apples and they would go to the crowd and give the apples to a member of the crowd and we were supposed to eat the apples and she asked if she could give the apple to me. We attended the performance. She danced like Salome and she handed me the apple and I bit and then all of the girl who were dancing pointed at us and laughed and laughed and laughed and not knowing what to do, I continued eating the apple. I don't remember what I did with the core. Was there a garbage can? After that night I never saw her again. Kate, not Katie. Katie was more beautiful, but Kate was mine.

I wonder how many times I sold my soul to the devil? One does not really know until the last judgment. Perhaps a million times.

Benedict of the Desert

There was a great saint named Benedict and he always had the greatest care to keep
away from sins of impurity.

Praise be to Holy God and all his angels and his saints.
Matthew