The Sin Parade Day

 Today was the pride March. It is rightly named as pride is the deadliest of the deadly sins and sodomy is considered by some saints to be the worst sin so that sodomites suffer greater pains in hell than any other sinners. The flag is the rainbow. The rainbow was a sign of God's covenant with Noah after the flood. It is used ironically by the gays because the reason for the flood according to some was because the world had fallen into the embrace of sodomy and gay marriage. Spit in the face of God. What does a rainbow have to do with sodomy? Shit is brown and blood is red.

Of course I went into the city today to go to Church. Our Mass is in a building in Soho now and not in the Soldiers and Sailor's Club anymore. They sold that building. Mass was beautiful, as it always is. There were so many people in the subway with rainbows and half naked. So many young people. When I was in school the worst insult was to call someone "gay" and now they are all celebrating it. Everyone is brainwashed. I wish one day a real rain would come and wash all this scum off the streets. 

I don't think things look good for New York City. I see it falling back into racial strife and crime. I hope my neighborhood stays safe. It has always been safe. I was never mugged or approached or even bothered by a stranger in all my life here. My father was robbed once on 110th street coming home from work in the ninetees when crime was worse than it has been lately.

After Mass Louis was there so we went out to get real food. When he is not there we get donuts and coffee. When he is there we go get real food. Today we went to a pizza place called Marinara. I had a chicken roll and some garlic bread. Bishop Williamson and Father Hewko came up. And me and Louis spoke about Steve Skojec and Taylor Marshall and how Louis thought Marshall was more popular but I argue that Steve was popular as well. They were called grifters. Both of them make six figures off of donations from Catholics, but we both agreed that Marshall has a better show. Someone wants to move to Portugal. Where the dogma of the faith will always be preserved. Houses are cheap there, so they say.

Coming home on the subway a girl was passed out on the train. I was thinking about waking her up because I thought she had slept and passed her stop. But I let her be. When my stop came she woke up and got out. I watched her. She went down and under and went back up the stairs to go to the train going back the other way. She had missed her stop. Nighty night.

The Fly

 

Today is Friday. I go to Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction at the local Church. In case Jesus is still there, I go to honor Him. At three I pray the stations in front of the monstrance and then I pray the Rosary. Fifteen decades. There is the fly. The devil comes to bother me for a few moments, buzzing around my ears. I finish praying and go home. At six thirty I go for Benediction. I pray and think and meditate and pray. The fly returns. The devil buzzes around me ears. To and fro, here and there. Just before the ceremony begins, the fly lands on my right hand. I feel him. I do not move. Then the fly goes away, the devil buzzes around my ears. I look at Jesus, if Jesus is still really there. I think He is. Julian does not. Julian once told me that his mother used to go to Benediction and one time she told him that when she looked at the monstrance she did not see the face of Jesus, but instead she saw the face of the devil. I think Jesus is there. But if he is not the devil can not harm me. I am not afraid of the devil. Sometimes I fear God's justice. That I have sinned so much that I cannot be forgiven. But usually I am fine. I pray to Jesus and to Mary and to Gemma.

Being visited by flies as I pray in the Church is a recurring theme. It is never a fly. It is the devil. The Lord of the Flies. He wants to distract me or to make me afraid.

It is something I have been doing since I got out of the hospital. I do not like the Novus Ordo. But I think it is valid. So Jesus is really there. So if I go before Jesus in the tabernacle it is good. And I keep Him company. In the Novus Ordo there are not that many who have the true faith and love Jesus. So I will love Him. But I do not want to go the the Novus Ordo Mass because I think it is bad. So I walk the line. Cross myself as I pass the Church, and genuflect before the tabernacle.

My uncle George is a Russian Orthodox. But he belongs to a strict Church. He is not in Communion with most of the other Churches in Orthodoxy. We went to his granddaughter's baptism at a monastery and he spoke about how he sung at the ceremonies but did not go to Communion because he was not in Communion with the monastery where his granddaughter was baptized. And he thought the schism was getting out of hand and it would be better if all the sects would be in Communion with each other. But not under Rome. It seems all the Orthodox share a distrust of the Pope and Rome.

My uncle's mother just died. She was orthodox. EENS. So she is in hell most likely. I heard on one of the forums that the Orthodox do not have their own version of EENS, so they hold that those outside of orthodoxy might be saved. But they are territorial and prone to schism. Charles Coulombe says that In the West we will accept any amount of heresy but no schism, but in the East they will accept any amount of schism but no heresy. And both halves of what should be the one united Church are meant to be corrective of each other's tendencies. Mithrandylan once said on one of the forums that he used to watch all of Charles Coulombe's lectures with Professor Biersach and he watched hours and hours and he thought they were enlightening, but later on after he became a more knowledgeable Catholic, that he couldn't think of a single important thing he learned from those lectures.

It is the devil. The fly. I do really believe in the devil. I do not want to be a witch but I believe they are real. I do not know what powers witches have, but I think their powers are increased greatly now that there are so few good Christians and so many abortions. As man abandons God, God abandons the people to the witches and the vampires. I do wonder if the end of the world is near. I think it is. But Tom says that the Garabandal warning will come first. But Joey Lomangino died blind. And then the Consecration of Russia and then the period of peace and only then the end of the world. I am not so hopeful. I fear the end is nigh. And the antichrist is here and the mark of the beast is the vaccine or something related to it. I told Tom that I would give him twenty dollars if the Warning happened while we were still alive and together in this valley of tears. The warning. What would you do if you could see the state of your soul as it was before the judgement seat of Jesus Christ? Would you go to confession? Or would you hate God even more. I fear many will hate God even more.

So I am home and tomorrow we are going to the orthodox funeral to pay our respects. In this world of pain. I saw a fly and he landed on my right hand in Church as I was looking at Jesus.

Sparrows

On my second walk today I was nearing Jamaica Avenue on the way home when I looked to my left and saw a huge gathering of sparrows. As I neared them they flew away and landed a few yards from where they first were. Then I cried out "Where are you going sparrows?" They flew away again, several dozen of them. They flew right into the path of a young black man who was walking the other way. Some of the sparrows flew right into him and crashed into him. We were both surprised. He yelled out "What the . . . ?" And I laughed. I had never seen sparrows accidentally flying into a person as a group. Usually the little birds are infallible. It was neat, I thought.

There is a fly in my room. He is crawling on the inside of the window screen. The window is open. Flies are signs of the devil. The evil one may be near.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

A Nightmare

Sometimes the devils visit me in my dreams. Or at least it seems they do. Two nights ago I was awoken by a nightmare. All I remember is that I was being tortured and that the torture was devils stomping on my testicles. I felt a great deal of pain in the dream as if it were real. Since I used to record my dreams I thought to record this one as it was frightening.

In SIlence

In silence one will find peace; in much speech one will find much sin.

Something the monk was speaking of was the numerous sins that come from much speech. I know I speak too much. I am an ignorant fool so I should remain silent, yet I speak. It is a weakness. I feel the need to express myself in the hopes of finding understanding. And perhaps to ask for help and to help those who need it. I have this blog where I express my thoughts freely. And I speak to people on the internet in forums and things.

When I think of my sins. Lately, I think the sins I commit most frequently are saying aloud bad thoughts. When I think, it is a peculiarity of my condition, I often say my thoughts out loud. Usually when I am alone. Sometimes I fear that I will say bad things around other people and they will accuse me. But mostly I say bad things when I am alone. I think about things, and thinking leads to me speaking to myself. Father Purdy told me that if I just speak without thinking and do not really mean what I say, and it is just a slip of the tongue, there is no sin. But he also seemed to think I shouldn't be talking to myself, even if it was not sin. As if that was a sign that there was something wrong with me; which I admit is likely to be true.

But it seems like a sin. Surely venial. But to say bad things, even without meaning them. It is like I have a devil in my heart living there and I am a sinner and my heart is truly black which is why bad things come from it. The words of the mouth are the substance of the heart overflowing. What one says in the silence of the night without thought is what one truly believes. There is no better indication of the state of one's soul, than the content of one's dreams. Perhaps. But the demons give us dreams often to scare us and corrupt us, but then so does the good God and our guardian angel give us dreams to enlighten and encourage. To divine the meaning of dreams.

I regret the fact that I deleted my dream blog. Over five hundred of my dreams recorded and I deleted it forever. Stupid me. Vanity of vanities. I had many religious dreams. Often in my dreams I was at Mass or receiving Communion or saying prayers. Sometimes I would die in my dreams, and most of the time as I was dying I would pray the Salve Regina. In my dream that was the prayer I would say to prepare for death. Not the Ave Maria. I do not often remember my dreams now that I no longer record them. I think the act of recording them gets one in practice and disposes one to remember one's dreams more often. For two years I remembered my dreams most nights, and often multiple dreams during one night.

So in silence one finds peace; in speech one finds sin. I am a sinner because I speak. I think before I speak unless it is my nervous habit, and meditate and I often pray during the day. My favorite writer was Dostoyevsky and my favorite book was The Brothers Karamazov. He was a Russian Orthodox believer who is buried in a monastery. I guess the Orthodox are the closest to Catholicism of all the other religions. One must say that outside the Catholic Church there is no salvation so he was damned, yet he was baptized so we could hope for his repentance. I should start praying for Dostoyevsky. Or would that be an act of false ecumenism? Perhaps I should rather pray for Blaise Pascal.

They say that Saint Alphonsus Liguori wrote a hundred books. The only one I read was The Glories of Mary. I was told that reading Liguori would lead one to despair, except for that one book, The Glories of Mary. They say the Church used to be stricter until the Jesuits ruined it and turned the Church of Christ into the Church of presumption. It did not start with the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

I am not a great saint. In some ways I do well. My heart is pure for such a sinner as I am (relative to how I used to be. I only know my own heart and not that of others, and it is better than it used to be). I do not lust after women. But I am weak. I eat food and drink beer too often. Never to drunkenness, of course, but I have some at night and then go to bed. I am ten pounds overweight. I can be better when I try, but I do not try lately. I am content to say my prayers and be a regular person, but not of the world for the most part. I do not watch television ever or movies often or listen to modern music much anymore.

They say the best prayer is prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Since Jesus is truly present, he hears your prayer in the person of the real presence directly, and not just as the God who sees all thoughts and knows all desires everywhere. So the best prayer is before the Blessed Sacrament on the altar. Before the monstrance, but best would be before a monstrance without a glass. Or at the moment of the elevation at Mass when the priest holds up the Body of Our Lord, like the time I was looking and saw the host glow like the sun in Church when I was a new believer and was still filled with the demons of my youth.

I am a sinful man and my heart is the abode of demons. I do not think this is true any more. I think my heart holds God inside of it and the good God expelled the demons. I am sorry for my sins. I went to confession. I am clean now. Perhaps. I do not feel tormented by them any more. I fell last year, but I did not die; I lived to repent. And now I am okay.

So I am trying to stop talking in this way. When I do, even when I say something not bad, I pound my chest, "Mea culpa . . ." I was not always like this. This is something that I started doing about two years ago. Maybe it is because of excitedness or stress or not fasting enough. Or maybe it is the devil's new way of tripping me. I pray more now, but I am talking more now also. I want to be better.

So My Life Is Happy Now . . .

So My Life Is Happy Now. I am being bad today. I am having some beer. For the quarantine, to relieve stress I am indulging in alcohol once or twice a week. It is a preventative measure. I have been happy. You know how my life has been. I have my prayers and my walks and dinner and then to bed. I give a tithe of my time to the good God. Since I got out of the hospital in late July I have been pious for me. And very happy. I am happy for my family. But life is frightening. I worry that the devil has got me. That my soul is lost because of my sins. That I have no hope. But they say to "Never despair of God's Mercy." Witchcraft. But I never signed anything in my blood. Mrs. Greenblood was her name.

I was in the car with my father and "Like a Rolling Stone" was playing and when he squealed out "As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes And say do you want to make a deal" and I thought that was Dylan singing about how he sold his soul to the devil for fame and fortune and I wondered if my fate was the same as Dylan's. I do believe that most people who are famous have made deals with the devil. That is the price you pay to make it big. Even to make it little. I have made nothing. My life is very simple for American standards, though it is above the level of the homeless man. I have no resources, but no desires. So for all it is I am content. Mrs. Greenblood. Even the homeless man can look up at the sky, listen to the songbirds, and watch the seagulls, and the bees and the butterflies are coming soon. Such beauty is given to all, even in the big city. Acetylene. To cast oneself into the sea to drown at twelve noon on one's thirty-third birthday.

I can understand suicide. If one thinks one is damned and cannot stop sinning. If one is in despair, then suicide will end the length of ones' sins. So that if one ends it the eternal suffering will be less than if one lived a full length of days and continued to sin. But to face that eternity. Even if it would be better to end it than to live. A few years of alcoholism seem better than facing hell just right now even if overall the suffering would be far less.

There must be a lot of people in despair. I wonder. I fear I am among them, but I like piety and thinking about God. Is that all a ruse? Am I among the damned as well? As I feared when listening to Dylan's song? I have little attachment to sin. I do not lust. I could give up the little pleasure of a bit of beer if I had to and I do not drink to drunkenness. I am content. If I do go to hell, I want to love God a little now before I am damned and have a little happiness in my piety for a while. I have no doubts, thought I wrote about doubts in my stories. Everything is real and Jesus lives. Angels and demons. And those who have made a deal. But one can repent. I guess a lot of people believe but hate God so much that they do not want to repent. They would rather be with the devil and suffer than love God in heaven and be happy. The witches. Am I a witch then? My brother once said to his friend "we ruled the world". I don't want to rule the world. I only want to be one of Gemma's thousand friends in heaven. And perhaps know the good God. I cannot imagine that. I can imagine being friends with a beautiful girl.

The most beautiful living girl alive who I know is the beautiful Cecilia. I speak about how most people who I see look ugly as sin, but Cecilia looks beautiful as innocence. Remember how my delusion and the first thing that came to me as part of my craziness was the thought that I could see people's sin and that everyone was a horrible sinner. I hope she finds a good husband and lives a happy life and goes to heaven when she dies. And then there is the lovely Helena who plays the organ. I miss going to Church. It has been a month or so. I told Terry about my little devotion. The one I pray for me and my two friends who I love. The Hail Marys. Just a short post. God Bless You. I may purchase an Icon of St. Mary of Egypt to pray before. She is an important saint to me. Babylon.

Thirty-Sixth Rose

In 1578 a woman in Anvers had given herself to the devil and had signed the contract with her own blood. Shortly afterwards she was stricken with sincere remorse and had an intense desire to make amends for this terrible deed. So she sought out a kind and wise confessor who advised her to go to Father Henry, one of the Fathers of the Dominican Friary, who was Director of the Rosary Confraternity in that town, to ask him to enroll her in it and hear her confession.

Accordingly she went to ask for him but met, not Father Henry, but the devil disguised as a Dominican Father. The latter scolded her pitilessly and said that she could never hope to receive Almighty God's grace again as long as she lived, and that there was absolutely no way in which she could regain possession of her contract. This grieved her greatly but she did not quite lose hope of God's mercy and sought out Father Henry once more, only to find the devil a second time, and to meet with a second rebuff. She came back for the third time and then at last, by Divine Providence, she found Father Henry in person--the priest whom she had been looking for--and he treated her with very great kindness, urging her to throw herself upon the mercy of Almighty God and to make a good confession. He then received her into the Confraternity and told her to say the Rosary frequently.

One day while Father Henry was saying Mass for her Our Lady forced the devil to give her back the contract which she had signed. In this way she was delivered from the devil by the authority of Mary and by her devotion to the Most Holy Rosary.

No Therapy

My therapy was cancelled yesterday. So my day was an off Monday. Who can you trust? What if everyone is a devil? What if everyone you see on the street, in this beautiful New York City has sold his soul to the devil?

There are a lot of AA meetings in my area. There are four chapters within a few blocks of my house. There are a lot of alcoholics and former alcoholics. I liked going, and they gave me a book and told me to go in the hospital, but I stopped going because it was too cultish. And then I asked my father if I should go back and he said "no." I have enough religion from Church. At my Church in our little upper rented room, we used to be across the hall from a local AA chapter. And we had a little book for sale that condemned AA as a demonic cult. Then our priest told us to stop selling the book because he thought AA was not bad, or perhaps he did not want to scandalize the alcoholics. There is another man who I met at Church who I learned was a drug addict and an alcoholic who used to go to AA. Everyone has tried to help him, but he is too captured by the demons.

Let you know I believe the demons are very powerful. I think my own problems are caused in large part by the demons. I used to talk about them every week at therapy. It used to be worse when my torments were new. I was in despair. And I prayed, and it got better. In July I had an episode again. I think it was because I did something bad and sinned. At the time I thought I was doing something good, but it was bad and I should have known better. So the demons took me back for a while. But I survived and now I feel better. When I was spazzing out my parents took me to my therapist and my psychiatrist. I do not remember the meeting but my therapist told me I was speaking with an evil voice. Because I think I was possessed by the demons. They make it hard for me to think because I have scars. My problems all started when I decided to start praying. The demons were in me already, but they just lead me on in to sin. And when I started praying and decided to try to stop sinning, the demons manifested themselves and did not want to let go of me. So they tormented me and when I persisted they hurt me. And they made me crazy with my schizo. My crazy goes off and on now. It is usually off, but my mind was broken by the demons and by the struggle, so while I am safe most of the time, my mind is broken. I can no longer think with my mind. To explain it, I cannot see pictures in my mind anymore. And I can not meditate or imagine.

So I have my demons. I feel fine now. And everyone around me has sold their soul to the devil. This whole world is damned.

But God is more powerful than the demons. They are nothing to him. But why is everyone so bad? Why is everyone so ugly?

I had a delusion that everyone was a soul on a string and the devil held the strings and controlled everyone. That everything that everyone did was a work of the devil, and no one had any freedom, they were all souls on a string. Or souls in chains, and nothing that they did was a free act. And I thought what if I was ensnared in such a way, and I fell into despair. Now I seem free. I try to be good. I do not do anything heroic, but I try to be good in a little way. I try not to sin. I like to go pray. And I think pious thoughts. I go to Church to be with Jesus. I look at Our Lady of Guadalupe and pray the Rosary and I have my little devotions. I am not a secret pervert. I used to be unrepentant but now I am sorry for my sins. Am I then still a soul on a string?

Hotel California

The devil was attacking me this morning. As I awoke, the Eagles song Hotel California was in my head and stayed there for a little bit. I thought it must be the devil.

A Fly

So I was sitting in Church and praying. And there was a big fly flying around the Church and as one woman was kneeling on the prie-dieu the fly came near her and she tried swatting it away with her hands a few times.

As I was reading my prayer book the fly landed on my prayer book and I kept still and it started crawling along the top of the book as I was praying, holding the book in my hands. The front, then for a moment the back. It was not afraid of me. And I stared at it and thought: "This is not a fly. This is the devil, come to visit us and disrupt our prayer". It is a thought I have sometimes. Then it flew away but it came to land near me on the pews a few times and crawled about a bit and then it went away and I no longer saw it. It was a big ugly black fly, hairy, with black eyes.

Sometimes I am afraid of flies as I see them as signs of the devil. The same with moths and water bugs and cats. Especially water bugs. I know it sounds superstitious.

So Yes, I Do Believe In Fortune Tellers And Sibyls.

Thinking about Communion. Just got back from Benediction. As you know I like going to benediction in the local Catholic Churches. It makes me think about Communion. I have gotten to be a liberal. I think the Novus Ordo does have Jesus. I used to think it did not. So I think Jesus is there and I go to Him.

But about the Masses, I don't know. Karen says they are valid but not licit. I still do not want to go to Novus Ordo Masses for the most part. To me it is still like a fraud and I wish it would go away forever soon and be replaced by the Old Mass once again. But that leaves the indult. As I mentioned before, I went to an indult Mass said by Cardinal Zen on Saturday. It was beautiful. Barbara also went but I did not see her. For the first time since my conversion (in full), I went to Communion at an indult Mass. They had taken the altar rail away but we all knelt by the steps and received on the tongue. But I contemplated it during Mass and came to the conclusion that I was in communion with Cardinal Zen so, I went up to receive Jesus as a sign of that Communion. If I believe Jesus is really there, and it is not a Novus Ordo Mass, I figured I could go to Communion. Cardinal Zen may even be some sort of hero, as a leader of the Chinese Church.

So be it. I guess I do not want to think Jesus has abandoned the Church and there are over a billion Catholics who do not have the sacraments while a few hundred thousand only have the sacraments and can be saved. I do firmly believe it is better to go to the Old Mass, and if one has no Latin Mass to go to, I might even recommend staying home, and I still go there to the little mission I have always gone to but my thinking is a little wider so to speak. I consider Lifeboat Louis to be a good Catholic.

Do you know who lifeboat Louis is? I am not sure if he is still alive. He lived on a boat and protests abortion. He is a devout Catholic and looks like a homeless man, old and white-bearded. And when I last saw him he used to wear tee-shirts with Catholic pictures on them, I remember him wearing the Divine Mercy image. The tee-shirt was dirty, but he did not smell. He goes to all different kinds of Catholic Churches, and once he came to our little SSPX mission and received Communion there which is a statement. I met him the first time I was invited out for coffee after Mass. Out of nowhere, this old man who was not at Mass came up to us and sat down and started talking to me. He had pictures he drew, one of a boat and one of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and he gave me prayers and pro-life articles. I don't know how he knew we were there eating after Mass, and how he knew we were Catholics and would be interested in his company. We only ate there a couple of times. He did not come to Mass with us. I guess it was providence. Louis was arrested many times for his pro-life work and he was a good man. I still have the things he gave me in a binder. Sometimes I look at his pictures. The New York Times wrote an article about him a few years ago. I would like to see him again and talk to him.

Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in the world. I am happy. I pray to God. But I do not have many friends who are like me. My beliefs are strange. I do have Julian. He is the closest I have to a friend. But we do not believe all of the same things. But we are close. And next I would count Karen. She is like me, but again we do not believe all the same things. I do not tell either of them that I go to Novus Ordo Churches to pray with Jesus. Julian would say Jesus is not there and Karen would say that if you go there the devils get you. I do not think the devils are getting me. I am with Jesus. But I feel alone with God.

Do you really hate television like I hate television? I can't stand it. I stopped watching regularly twenty years ago and now in my peace I cannot stand it. Everything on it is in my mind either stupid or wicked. I really do think it is the devil's tabernacle. A funny thing one of the mystics said was that in the end times everyone will have a little box in their houses that they sit in front of and that the devil talks to them through the little boxes. That is television. My parents watch television and when they do I get upset. I want to kick the television until it breaks like in that German movie. You know the one. But I do not because it is not my house. Sometimes I yell. Especially when they watch the news. My parents watch the liberal news shows while I am conservative, in a different way, not the common Libertarian way or the Neo-con way. I just see everyone as satan's minions, including my parents. Satan's minions who are addicted to the devil's tabernacle. I am crazy, yes I know. But I do not understand why so many people are so stupid or wicked that they watch television. I guess there are some good shows. When I was younger I liked certain foreign movies, the kind that were usually not on television. But overall it was mostly trash to me.

Are there some sins that are so great that they are beyond the power of absolution? I think of this. The common opinion is that with repentance and confession any sin can be forgiven. But there are also opinions of some saints that for certain people, they have gone too far and cannot be forgiven. Perhaps, since repentance is itself a grace from God, for certain people God will not grant them repentance. So it would mean that if you are sorry for your sins and ask God's forgiveness, it is a sign that you are not among the already damned. But what about Voltaire? I am not afraid anymore. I feel peace and comfort.

About Eucharistic Adoration. I spoke of my new habit (it was new in August) of visiting Novus Ordo Churches for Eucharistic Adoration on Cathinfo and someone responded that they used to do that and they thought that they had reached a high level of prayer, the unitive way with Jesus and that it was very different from the illuninative way but now he no longer goes and he has fallen lower in the spiritual life. And I asked him why he does not go back and continue to pray there. He never responded. But I am happy going there. I would that I could go there and look at Jesus's heart every day. I am an honest man. I am not trying to deceive anyone. I do not speak of everything, but I do not lie to people. One thing that troubles me is the idea that people receive Communion sacrilegiously. I know that there are a lot of people who go to Church who do not believe or do not go to confession, but they still receive Jesus in the Eucharist. This only heaps coals of torment upon the soul and tortures Jesus, yet they still go. If I were the devil I would not want to make the Masses invalid. I would want them to be valid, but have nobody truly believe or be repentant but always receive Communion so all of the souls commit greater sins and are punished more harshly in hell. So that speaks to my belief that Jesus is really there. He is there and the heartless bastards, along with those who do not know any better, are torturing him. Not only does he go through the torture of Calvary at every Mass, but in every individual sacrilegious Communion he is tortured individually and the suffering he endures in each blackened soul is greater than the sufferings of all the damned in hell. Who knows, perhaps I am among those who torture Jesus. Honestly, I do not think I am, and I hope and pray that I am not.

What does Holy Communion give you, if you receive it in a state of mortal sin? All it does is make you suffer more in hell and it makes your heart more like a stone and less like flesh. Do you so want to torment Jesus that you will do so even at the cost of more torment for yourself? And if you do not believe, what is the point of going up there to eat a little bit of bread as an unbeliever? And in the hand? People speak of those like Joe Biden, but most of those who receive are no better than him and in their dirty grubby hands. I have the idea that when I die they should have a requiem Mass and the priest will not give out Communion to avoid the abominable sacrilege. I think I try to be an honest man. I have secrets, yes, but I try not to lie to myself or to you or to Jesus. I feel alone. Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor, Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor. I am feeling like a Jansenist today I guess.

I do feel alone. I was speaking to Karen and saying how we have a big city and only about thirty people come to our little chapel for Mass and if you count all of the traditional Masses, there are still not a lot of people. There are not a lot of us. But there are good people I think who go to the New Mass also, though I imagine the percentage of the good is lower there.

I know when I go to the local Novus Ordo Church, the one near my house is open all day, but few people go there to pray or to visit Jesus, other than me. There is a man and a woman who come together and pray some prayers together for a few minutes, and the men who work there, and sometimes one of the priests walks by, but there are as many homeless men who are there to stay warm in the winter than there are people to pray, except during Eucharistic Adoration. There was one homeless man who prayed and he knelt down before Jesus in the tabernacle in the most profound way.

So are there some sins too great to be forgiven? What if one worshiped Satan as a witch and sold one's soul to the devil, could one then be forgiven? Karen said she knew people who made deals with the devil and they are beyond prayer so she does not pray for them. I hope they can be forgiven, though I imagine they would need exorcisms. I know a little about devils as a hyper-religious schizo who believes his condition is caused as much by the influence of demons as by bad luck that runs in the family. I really wish I remembered the visit of the chaplain when he said an exorcism over me and gave me a New Testament with the Psalms in Spanish. I was supposed to contact him after I got out and his contact info may have been in the Bible, but they stole the Bible from me and I lost it so I did not talk to him again. I was supposed to pray two psalms. I wonder if he thinks about me ever. 

But sometimes I think nearly everyone is a devil. Including you, dear reader. Are you a devil? But no, it is better to think everyone is a mere sinner, as I am. I often think that you can tell whether or not a man was good just by looking at him. A sinner's face becomes distorted over time, and a good man's face becomes holy-looking. A trained eye can tell just by looking at him. I believe Prof. Plinio claimed to be able to do this, to be able to tell the state of a man's soul by looking into his eyes. I do not know how to judge this, but it is something to think about.

But in this. I imagine there are a lot of people who can do this. Especially wicked people. They gain powers from the demons. They can tell the future to a degree. But I do not know their secrets from experience. I just have my crazy ideas. A girl did once try to predict my future using tarot cards. She said I would meet a new woman in my life but she did not give me details.

So yes, I do believe in fortune tellers and sibyls. They do have power. And the apothecary can give you a potion to cause a boy to fall in love with you. But there is a price. What is the price? But how do I hate television! So much. So much. I am glad I am not forced to watch it, but it grieves me that my family does watch it. Every time they turn on that television they are selling their soul to the devil one more time for a little comfort. Like a cigarette with smoke from the fires of hell. Ten thousand times already? What would one more matter? One more time my love. Things fall apart. 

But thank you for reading my blog. This was a long and strange one. I hope it makes your day a little better. A little better without television.

Saint Valentine's Day

Today my father got two stents. The surgery if you could call it that was in Mount Sinai Hospital on the upper east side. The head doctor was an Indian. I went in to the city with my father and mother but I left early, before the surgery because I was nervous and stressed. And a little bored I must admit. It was breaking my routine and my reaction was a sign of my weakness. I went home and felt fine soon after. And went to Eucharistic Adoration and prayed and ordered pizza for us and now I am on the computer.

But today is Valentine's Day. I was talking to Julian the other day and I mentioned this day for some reason and he corrected me twice. He said "SAINT Valentine's Day". So it is. I am alone but I am happy enough so I am not sad. I have no one to be my valentine. It would be nice to have a wife but considering my condition and my sensibilities and desires it will likely never happen. I remember the movie by Tarkovsky where the man goes to bed with the witch named "Maria" to save the world from a nuclear holocaust. I have to watch that movie again, though I preferred Andrei Rublev. My brother told me to watch it. Why? Does someone want to make a deal? Is there a witch who wants to go to bed with me so the devil can grant favors? Like me, the ambulance takes him away to the nut house, and our house also burned down, though I did not set the fire, and it was not so vast or so beautiful. The internet says that the first time they burned down the house with the camera rolling the camera malfunctioned so they lost the footage and had to rebuild the house and burn the house down again, and the second burning is in the film. "In the beginning was the Word."

So it looks like my father is okay after getting the stents. He should be home tonight. Tomorrow I hope to go into the city to see Cardinal Zen say a High Mass. And then Sunday, the best day of the week. I hope to live. I am alive. The living, the living will give praise to Thee as I do this day. I like that prayer. Things are looking up and there are little birds flying. I did not speak about it but yesterday after Benediction I was walking down 118th street and as I always do, I saw the grackles hanging out. There were dozens of them again and I watched them for a few minutes and listened to them. As dad said they are a spiritual presence. I always see them when I go to the beggar's Church on the south side of the avenue. I am not afraid. Peace be to you all. Now it is almost time to go to the blessing!

Fasting Again

I am fasting again. So far it is going well. I will be fasting until Easter. The plan is to eat one meal a day at night, usually rice and lentils with an egg except for Friday and Sunday. Preferably no meat, but some dairy. I have been at it for a week and five days and I have lost five pounds. In my experience I should lose two pounds a week until I stop. The last time I did this I got so skinny everyone told me I was too skinny, so now I plan on not going too far. I was a glutton since I got free last time so now I want to tighten my belt. I have no wife to please. It is for myself and I guess for God. To have a strong will and not be a glutton. Eating is not ugly like sex, but too much is too much. I think that any eating above and beyond the level of sustenance and hospitality must be a form of gluttony, however mild. When people are starving in Africa so they say, how dare you feast on fried fish and chips or mutton. I bought another bag of lentils today.

I have been drinking coffee. More than I should because I am not eating. The plan is to cut it down to just a little. And I have been drinking diet soda which I also want to cut down if not eliminate. I will be having beer on Fat Tuesday but otherwise I will not be drinking any wine or beer. My father got a bottle of rum from work and I am the only drinker in the house, but that is too much. I will not be mixing rum with my diet sodas while I am fasting.

So far I have been having a little bit of food outside of my one meal. Today I had a small piece of cake, and on other days I have had some bread. But the hunger pains are going away. For some reason the more I eat, the more hungry I get. And now less than two weeks into fasting the hunger has gone away. The demons of my belly must be afraid of me or something.

The demons of the belly. The devils haven't bothered me much lately except that soon after I got out of the hospital I had strange temptations for a while which I discovered were from the devils and they have left me since they were discovered. The devils work in funny ways. Demons of alcohol are strong, but they do not last very long for me. Demons of tobacco were stronger but they only lasted for a week or so. Demons of sexuality are the strongest and they fought really really hard against me. But now I only face common demons of food and drink and normal living. My fasting is to fight these common demons. I still have the demons of coffee and diet soda. I plan on getting rid of the diet soda demons. And the coffee demons need to be put in their place. But can one conquer the demons completely and live a life of no sensuality at all when none of one's actions are influenced by the demons. They say that when people willingly sin the demons do not bother them but when one tries to stop sinning then the demons come out in force and fight really really hard to maintain control.

I am a common person who is feeble-minded. But I want to be good. I have been so bad. But now I want to be good. I do not want to be a plaything of the demons any longer. Their favorite corn-cob pipe.

I sometimes have desires to take up smoking again. My preference would be out of a corn-cob pipe because as a youth when I was a new smoker it gave me more pleasure than smoking in any other way. I would take the smoke into my mouth taste it with my tongue like good whiskey, and then blow it out of my mouth. My mouth would absorb the smoke and the nicotine and it would make me feel very very happy. It was a happy drug. Other methods of tobacco usage were addictive but they did not give me the same pleasure. So if I took up the vice again it would be in that way. But if I ever did that my parents would get angry and it would be introducing the old demons into my life, the tobacco demons. I used to roll really good cigarettes. After the corn-cob pipe, I preferred hand-rolled cigarettes without filters, that I would roll and smoke like candy. I may get lung cancer even after quitting. And if I bought a pack it would be Kamel Reds or some other variety of Camels. Cohiba cigarettes were better but I only smoked them once because at the time I smoked they were illegal in America. But that is another form of gluttony. It must be a vice.

So pray for me that I kick the demons of diet soda and coffee to the dust and live demon free. I am doing well for a schizophrenic out of the hospital. There is no demon fire in me like there once was so long ago. I have peace even though my life is meaningless in the eyes of the world and I am alone without a wife. Girls are so very beautiful to me even though I am no longer as much of a slave to the demons of lust as I used to be. There are some saints who never looked at a woman's face in their entire lives, even their mother's for the sake of modesty. I am not like that. I look at women's faces and adore their beauty. There are paintings of beautiful women in Churches. Are they not meant to be looked at?

For what it's worth I have been writing about demons. Fasting to fight them. I wish I were pure of heart.

On Suicide

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, beatae Mariae semper Virgini, beato Michaeli Archangelo, beato Joanni Baptistae, sanctis Apostolis Petro and Paulo, et omnibus Sanctis, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione verbo and opere, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, beatum Michaelen Archangelum, beatum Joannam Baptistam, sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum, et omnes Sanctos, orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Miseratur nostri omnipotens Deus, et dimissis peccatis nostris, perducat nos ad vitam aeternam. Amen.

Indulgentiam, absolutionem, et remissionem peccatorum nostrorum, tribuat nobis omnipotens et misericors Dominus. Amen.

I confess to almighty God, to blessed Mary ever Virgin, to blessed Michael the Archangel, to blessed John the Baptist, to the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and to all the Saints, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, and deed, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. Therefore I beseech blessed Mary ever Virgin, blessed Michael the Archangel, blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints, to pray to the Lord our God for me.

May the almighty and merciful God have mercy upon us, forgive us our sins, and bring us unto life everlasting. Amen.

May the almighty and merciful Lord grant us pardon, absolution, and remission of our sins. Amen.

In my life I only have a few friends now. I count as friends only among the people who I know from Church, (not because they share the same religion, but because I don't really know many people other than Church friends, except neighbor acquaintances and doctors and fellow crazy patients). And of those only one is a true friend and that is Julian. Julian is like a Russian Old believer, only Catholic. I love him dearly. You see he went blind and cannot see. So I visit him in the nursing home where he lives and bring him food. And he likes to pray so we pray the Saint Michael chaplet. There are also other friends from Church, but Julian is the closest. Next is angry Tom and Cora who moved far away but calls me at least once a month and sends me text messages asking me to pray for her. So I have only one real friend.

But there are other people who I love dearly. You see I have heard speak of suicide among two people who I love. I do not know what to say about that. Neither of these people believe what I believe. I hope they do not go through with it. One is more serious than the other. One mentioned it as a reality already attempted but failed with the likelihood of attempting it again. The other mentioned it more like some beautiful ideal, but not a reality to be chosen immediately.

I am not a movie expert. But the most beautifully filmed movie that in my eyes (of the few that I know) was a late silent film called Tabu, the last film directed by Murnau. It was gorgeous. At the end a man swims into the ocean as far as he is able until his strength fails him and he falls beneath the waves and drowns.

Nobody cares what I write and I do not think the person I am thinking of will ever read this. But what must one think of suicide? I do not know what the person believes. Whether atheist, or satanist, or agnostic. What can I say?

To my mind there is nothing worse that one can do than suicide. Not because it is the worst sin, but because it is one's last act. To end one's life with mortal sin means hell for there is no chance for repentance. I don't know if they believe this. I do not know if they care about me or anything or even know that there is a crazy person far away who loves them and would be heartbroken if they did it or if they care. They already know of friends and family who would be sadder so I am not that important. And the pain that is near and deep is more powerful than the pain of another who may know thee and care. The demon that is gripping one seems stronger than the angel that is far away.

I have been through suffering. Everyone suffers. It is as if it is the meaning of life after the fall. I imagine the devils have a lot to do with suicide. I imagine they grab into souls in despair and sadness and tempt them to off themselves, and when they succeed they drag their souls to hell and gleefully, in their agony, can they sense glee? Yes, glee is a wicked thing. Drag them down forever and forever. It must take a lot of egging on. It is something that I not considered even in my darkest moments. I stopped at black-out drunkenness until I could no longer remember. Perhaps I am innocent. And then when I was tormented by my demons for so long I believed so suicide was not an option so I stopped at frantic prayer in my agony. I have my own demons. Even when I was in the hospital lately the priest thought I was possessed and prayed over me prayers of exorcism and now I am at peace so perhaps they worked. My whole psychosis is caked in religious themes of angels and demons and has been since its beginning.

But if someone I loved, and the person is someone I love but am not close to at all so I cannot just call them on the phone like a good friend, were to commit suicide? My relationship to her is like a person who likes an actress he sees in the movies and thinks about her often. I don't want to think of it or have it happen. But it is out of my hands. I hope it is just bluster and not a serious threat. If it happened, then when I thought of this person I would have to think, she is in hell. And if I am saved I will never meet her again and if I am damned I will be with her forever, but I will no longer love her but would hate her forever. Sometimes in one's romantic moments one might have thought of some girl in one's lust and have said to oneself "when I am in hell, I want to be by her side" but if it ever happens one will regret ever having thought of it.

I am just hoping it does not happen. I have no ears who listen to these words but I do pray. Hopefully I am misunderstanding things and nothing bad is really happening (except to the animals in factory farms).

It is a sensible thing to do. If one is in pain and that pain is unbearable, one thinks one can end that pain by an overdose or a noose or even a trigger. But what if it is not the end of the pain but merely the beginning of the real pain, the pain that never ends?

I don't know. I feel that most people these days must be tormented by the demons. I am at peace. Now. The demons are not bothering me now. I wish that I could take on some of the demons that are hurting other people to myself so that they could have some peace. Or have them go away because of prayers. I don't know. I would take a little suffering to ease another person's pain. I could bear a little more than I have now. Are we in this world together?

Often I pensee that we are in hell and we are all damned and that there is no hope for us and this life will go on forever and never end. Perhaps we will die in the end only to be born again in a new hell and the suffering will continue forever. However one might think this world is not all that bad for being hell. A good point. Or I can think that I do not remember my particular judgment by Jesus so I cannot be in hell. But perhaps when one is born into hell one forgets their "birth" as one forgets the beginning of one's life in the world. Often I think that I am already damned but have gone on living. As if my sins are unforgivable and there is no more mercy available and that everyone else is in the same boat so we are all merely waiting for the inevitable damnation (one must say that there was a private revelation where the Virgin lamented that if men continue to go in in sin there will reach a time where there will no longer be any pardon from God. Perhaps we have reached that time. I know I have played my part). "Some drink, some become sex addicts, and some go on hoping." Others kill themselves with this thought: "Yes, it is a sin and I will be punished, but it will end my life and thus I will not go on living, piling sin upon sin, so in the end I will be better off and my eternity will be a little less painful." While I was in the hospital my parents visited me as often as it was allowed. The nurses and other patients pointed out how good they were to visit me so often. One time I thought that they were vampires and they had turned me into a vampire as a child and now I was un-dead and I got angry at them for stealing my soul and condemning me to eternal damnation before I was old enough to choose for myself. One thinks strange thoughts when one is a paranoid schizophrenic (though usually I am not paranoid).

So I do not blame one for committing suicide, more than any other sin. I do not think it is the act of a coward. But the effects are unthinkable as I believe . . . and in my mind, I know. Perhaps one can think that after they swallowed the pills and before they passed out they repented and called out to God and were forgiven, but they also say one generally dies as one lives and such repentance is rare. I am a nobody. But I cry out in the wilderness and nobody hears me. Nobody has crossed the Jordan to receive my baptism. Perhaps because I am not a saint. I am a fool. Yes, but a fool who loves, but I have converted no one. Perhaps I strengthen the faith of a few, like Julian, who knows, but I am a little man. A poor fool of no account. All alone. What God cares of my prayers? How many have prayed for those who they loved, yet despite their prayers, the ones they have loved were damned?

Yes or no. Nobody reads this anyway. I hope out loud, but nobody hears me. I hope and pray. It is Christmas soon. Merry Christmas. Go to Church and pray, even if you do not believe anymore. Don't hate life.

The Devil's Face

I was talking to my best friend Julian. It was too cold to take the trip to Far Rockaway and visit him, so I had to settle for a phone call. He told me something interesting. When his mother was at a Novus Ordo Church, years ago, before she died, she was looking at a monstrance and she told Julian that she saw not Jesus, but the devil's face there. I wonder how it looked. So perhaps when I go to Church and adore the Novus Ordo Eucharist I am adoring the devil and not Jesus. Everyone has their own revelation. I do not see how it could be the devil in fact as the devil should not have the power to become flesh of flesh in a host. So it could not really be the devil. But I can see how the devil can be present at Novus Ordo Churches and at the New Mass.

But I still went to my local Church today. If the devil is there, and I suspect he is in the air, I go there to worship Jesus. I am not afraid of the devil, If I was a good person the devil would be afraid of me. So I wish to worship Jesus in the devil's Church if it really is his and Julian is right about the crisis and not I. Ed was speaking about the possibility of the Indult Mass not having valid sacraments and he said, "if it is not valid what harm could it do? Just eating a little bread?" It makes sense, but if the bread is possessed by devils perhaps it could be like eating the flesh of the devil.

So Julian's mother saw the face of the devil in the monstrance? But to me I believe it is Christ. I hope that Julian is mistaken even though I do not go to the Novus Ordo Masses even though I presume they are valid. I am a nut, and we live in strange times. In Malta. Anyways. In Malta. The devil's face is in the monstrance.

On Making Money

I have no problem with people making money. It is necessary in the fallen world we live in. I make money myself. I get a small disability stipend for being crazy which I mostly give away to my family (because father takes care of me and deserves it and because I love my brother). But some people are good at it and make a lot of money. But as a reason to exist it is lacking to me. I have no desire for money or the things that money can buy, after the meeting of basic necessities. Perhaps it is because I do not watch television. Sometimes I buy books; I do like some of my prayer books. But what else is there to money? What is the point of luxury after necessity is met? Saint Benny had his office and his Imitation of Christ and a rosary around his neck and one in his hands. Even he did not have nothing. He carried around those two books in a bag and read from them often. He begged for coins and for bread and if he had a crust and needed more to share he would multiply the bread like Christ did the loaves on the mountainside and share it with his beggar friends on the streets and in the Colosseum of Rome. I have a little more. I have a book case with books I sometimes read. But they are more for show than for reading. I do not need them. The only books I regularly read are my Way of the Cross and my Little Office, and I also have my little Holy Hour booklet, but I would like to also keep a picture of Gemma like a soldier carries a picture of his young wife and looks at it and dreams of being with her while in the trenches. I could shed those and have nothing. I could be like a desert Father and spend my life meditating on a short prayer or a single line from scripture. I could say over and over again "Oh Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart" and after thirty years I could tell my friends that I was only beginning to understand the meaning of those words. I am a little person. I love people and things and my family and women and God and I love even the cruel hard world. And I love you if you are reading this. Yes, you. I love you. There are abortions and there are sparrows. Blood and tears and Our Lady of Guadalupe. There is a heaven and there is a hell. This I know. There is a God and a devil. Some worship God and some worship the devil. I think a lot of people are wretched and a lot of people are not honest. I don't want to make a lot of money. I would be happy if I were a slave whose master gave him a place to sleep and food and daily tasks and other slaves to talk to. I would be happy as long as the master did not abuse me and there was a little Church I could go to to pray.

People go to Communion. We are to believe that the Blessed Host is Our Lord Jesus Himself, come down from heaven, dying on the Cross for us and He is to be our food. If one is well disposed it will raise one up to the highest heaven and if one is ill disposed one will be hurled into the deepest pits of hell. There is nothing more perilous than appearing before the altar rail to receive Holy Communion. It truly is as it was in the movie Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when the professor had to guess which chalice was the true Holy Grail and drink from it, and to choose wisely will lead to life and to choose poorly will lead to death. I go to Communion at our little mission in the upper room. So do many of us. I go to confession once a month and I receive Communion every Sunday. I am not afraid because I do not feel guilty. I feel as if I were a friend of Jesus. I try to visit him every day. It is special when he is in the monstrance, but more often he is still there only inside the Tabernacle. I like to sit close to him and look into his heart. I can only see bread, as only once did I see the Light of the World, but I know that he is looking back at me and sees deep into my soul. I do not doubt these things. It is my reality and it has been for eleven years.

I like to pray the Holy Hour every Thursday evening. It makes the day a special day. I read the little meditations and pray and think and look at the pictures of Gemma, for in her face I see the Christ Crucified as she bore His wounds in her flesh. It has become a favorite prayer of mine. I look forward to reading the parts that move me most and I hope to have it memorized some day so I can go back to it over and over in my mind during the week. If I had a friend and I wanted to convert her I would take her into my room and pray the Hour with her if she was interested. Gather around the Christ in Gethsemane and tell Him that you love Him.

I do not have a wide audience with my blog. I only have a few readers, I am not sure how many, but I seem to have a reader from Portugal. Blessings to you, my Portuguese friend. I have a wider audience when I make posts on the niche Catholic forums I like to post on. But here this is a place of my own where I can leave a record of my own thoughts. A record of my thoughts. I am only a fool. Do I seem pious? Or do I come across as a fraud? I think I am always talking about the same things. I have been thinking of God and the angels lately and have been speaking of the same things over and over again. Yet there are those who are always speaking of Nietzsche.

His blood! His blood! What profit in His blood? I don't know? Nobody in my life takes me seriously anyway except for my friends from Church. Julian takes me seriously. My good friend who I will visit tomorrow. He prays for us and since he is blind all he can do is pray. And listen to the television. We will pray together the Chaplet of St. Michael as we always do. And I will bring him some food. A salami sandwich. And angry Tom takes me seriously. He asked me if I wanted to become a religious brother, but I do not think anywhere I wanted to go would take me, being too old and infirm and crazy. As a young man he went to the seminary but he said at the time it had become too liberal and he left. He wanted to become a priest but instead he became a social worker. He did help people in his life. More than I have done.

I want to be like a little child and love God as a little boy loves his father. Only more. Everything good He has given to me. Life. My life is charmed. Envy not for envy is the source of unhappiness.

I used to roll cigarettes. I rolled them better than anyone else in the world. It probably took five years off of my life. That was ages ago. I remember I used to get enough tobacco and papers for fifty cigarettes for four dollars. I would smoke them constantly. My brand was Drum. It was the thing I did. But then I gave it up. A few years after my conversion, and after I had given up cigarettes, I met a traditional Catholic at Mass (of the tweed suit variety) who rolled his own cigarettes. Unlike me, he put little filters into his cigarettes as he rolled them. I guess he was worried about his health. He was travelling and I only saw him twice, but he talked to me after Mass at the coffee shop. One Sunday he told me that the night before he was at a party and he challenged a protestant to a fist fight because he blasphemed Our Lady. I thought of asking him what he was doing at a party with such people but I held my lip. He seemed like a good chap, but the kind of person who would be good at making money. I wish him the best even though I can not remember his name.

Sunday is something to look forward to now. The whole day. Now we have music at Church. More people are coming to the Cenacle now. Church is at five. So I go in early and try to visit one or two of the Churches in Manhattan before. And after we have coffee and food. I am liberal with money on Sundays. I have a happy life. I am so happy. Not all the time when I am busy doing things, but in the quiet of the night and in the silence I am a very happy person.

I don't want to be an important person or be famous or be a great artist. I do not want to abuse women. I do not resent people with money or men who have beautiful women. I do not regret becoming crazy and losing my chance at a normal life. I am happy for my father and my mother and my family for my brother. I am happy for my friends and for our priests and for Church. I am happy for God and for the angels and the saints. I am happy for my Gemma and that I can look at my pictures of her and read about her and pray to her. Thinking about her makes me so very happy. You do not know. I am happy for so many things. Even if the world is full of ugliness and sin and pain. I often forget all the pain I was in when I was being tormented by the devils, but I knew what it was like to suffer. And now I have a life of peace and joy. I am grateful for being tormented by the devils for all that time because it makes me grateful for the peace I have now.

Church News

I try to live in a sheltered bubble but I sort of follow Church News. I read some blogs and people talk at coffee hour. People talk about apostasy among the hierarchy. I do not bother about it. When I used to care more it was not good for my spiritual health. There is nothing I can do about it so why should I bother? I hope I can continue going to my Low Mass on Sundays and go to Eucharistic Adoration or pray before the tabernacle.

Karen said you should not go to the Novus Ordo parishes because there are devils there. She thinks the Novus Ordo is valid but illicit. But it is valid so Jesus is really there. Is it not good to go there and keep Jesus company? In this world of pain should we really be afraid of devils? Should not the devils be afraid of us? The world is covered with devils we are constantly surrounded by them and many of us were in league with them for many years and were slaves of them and how often have we made love to the demons? But now we are supposed to be children of light. So shouldn't we try to keep Our Lord company in the tabernacles and wouldn't the devils flee from us as we come to adore Him?

I try to love people. But often I don't trust people. I think everyone is well-meaning, but at the same time I think everyone is duplicitous. Everyone is good, but deep in their heart everyone really wants universal damnation.

I feel safe myself. I feel like I am doing alright. But I do feel alone sometimes. I have a few Church friends.

I don't know what I am trying to express in this blog post but tomorrow is Eucharistic Adoration. I wish it were every day. I don't know why there is a difference between praying before a monstrance or before a tabernacle but for some reason it feels better and more real before the Blessed Sacrament exposed, as if there are more graces for some reason as if the bronze of the tabernacle door blocks the good God's graces from reaching us. To gaze not upon a crucifix but directly into the eyes of God himself and he gazes back into our eyes. There is nothing to say, except for "O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart."

That is my most favorite prayer these days. I don't know if it is working. I feel happy but one can never judge the state of one's own soul. I feel like I am at peace and in the state of grace and free of demonic oppression or obsession but for all I know I could be in grave sin and possessed by a thousand demons. I wish I remembered more from the hospital. It was a battlefield. I wish I could remember the visit of the priest and what went on there. Apparently he performed an exorcism and gave me a New Testament in Spanish and gave me instructions which I do not remember and the New Testament was stolen from me. "O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like unto thine heart."

I am getting better at the quiet prayer. That is what I call being quiet and having peace and not thinking while looking at the tabernacle or at Jesus or at the crucifix. I do not know what is supposed to happen when one prays. Is one supposed to repeat little prayers over and over again like "O Jesus . . ." ? Or is one supposed to mentally re-watch the passion over and over again? Is one supposed to let one's mind wander? Or is God supposed to take control of one's mind and give it wisdom? I have no teacher and am on my own not knowing what to do. I wish I had a desert father to ask about, one who has become all flame and has reached the highest state of perfection possible in the world today. Are there men like that today? Perhaps locked away in a monastery somewhere? Like the men in the deserts who can move mountains with their prayers? O how Russian of you to believe there are one or two desert monks who can move mountains. So I do not know how to pray. But I love the quiet prayer now. As I lay in bed I can gaze at my crucifix and have peace like the peace of death.

Prayers Against the Devils

I got a new book of prayers. For protection against the devils. I will bring it to Church. I could use protection against the devils. The prayers might make one seem superstitious to the logical Christian who does not believe in the devil or thinks of him as an abstract and not a person of malicious will.

I will show it to one person in particular who could use it. We could all use it. I have not read all the prayers. But the ones I have read are nice. I cannot see the devils so I do not know how effective the prayers are. I haven't studied the prayers seriously yet, but I will.

Devil go away. Devil go away. I despise you and spit upon you. Go to the foot of the Cross to receive thy sentence.

I made that up, but some of the prayers are kind of like that. I don't know. So much has happened in my life that I see the devils' influence in. As if they really prowl throughout the world and have power over it. In fact I feel that the majority of people in the world today are for the most part totally controlled by the devil, abject slaves who only think they are doing their own will but are really controlled by their passions by the evil one and of his minions. The world only makes sense to me as the cosmic play between good God and the devil. I feel nearly everyone loves the devil now, and there are not many good people who love God. But I live in New York City, the capital of usury in the world today, so I am far from the garden of Eden.

I have been going to the local parish a lot to pray. I think it is good. Prayers before the tabernacle and in front of the Blessed Sacrament exposed. The local parish has Exposition and Benediction every Friday and the next one over has Exposition every Thursday. So I started going. I like to stare at Our Lord in the monstrance. sometimes I cry. Say prayers and cry. Thinking about the Passion and the Redemption.

I do not trust most people. The people I talk to. They are false prophets and only God can I trust. Everyone is a deceiver who really has the devil in their hearts. But when I see people I love them and trust them and think they have good intentions at heart. I trust and mistrust everyone I know. But I know I can trust Jesus.

The idea of the Novus Ordo being valid but defective is in my mind. It is not as good as the Latin Mass, but still valid. So Our Lord is truly present so one can honor him and worship him in the Novus Ordo tabernacles and in the Novus Ordo monstrances. I have taken that to heart and keep Our Lord company at my local parish and the next one over.

I still do not know what to think of the indult parishes. Should I go to Mass there? I went twice, but did not receive Communion there. I think it is valid and real, but I am not fully okay with it. I don't know all the reasons, but I go where I go for reasons of thinking it is the best place and the indult is compromised, at least somewhat and not as good, though it is valid. (I know "indult" is out of date). Many people where I go to Mass also go to Holy Innocents. For what it's worth, I think there are good people there, if there are any good people. They are pro-life and pray the Rosary and the women veil their heads at Mass. Is that enough? Perhaps. Perhaps not. They are respectful. Does the Good God dwell in their hearts? I hope so for all of them. I trust them and do not trust them.

I went to Mass at Holy Innocents to meet friends on the Feast of the Holy Rosary. My friends did not show up so I was alone. I saw a few people I knew but we did not talk. Barbara and Mark and Marie Therese. There was a procession where we walked around the streets of Manhatten with a statue of Our Lady of Fatima and prayed the Joyful and Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. I had never done that before. Julian's sister was also there but I do not remember what she looks like so I did not talk to her either.

Any way. I feel like a child of God. But I cannot see all the time. I am full of joy but I can not tell if other people are good or bad by looking at them. Sometimes I think I can. But I have to guess and for most people except for the little children I guess no, they are children of the devil. But I love them. I love everyone despite my words sometimes when I talk to myself.

I am praying more since I got out of the hospital. I am always thinking of God or Godly things. What else can I do with my life? With my broken mind that cannot remember again or again or again. I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism No. 3. I am up to question Number 784. There are 1400 questions. When I am done I will read it again and again in my notebooks. Perhaps I could make it a goal of my life to memorize it. That would be some achievement with the state of my memory. At least get the gist of it.

Forever and ever. This is a rambling post but my thoughts are clear. I am at peace now. I fear no evil. But I know I Can fall into fear in a moment. I feel peace.

The Noonday Demon

I remember a woman from the Hospital. She was a Russian Jew. She showed me a book called "The Noonday Demon". I thought she was a devil. She wanted to be friendly with me but she kept on clawing at my eyes. She offered me as a job tutoring her daughter. I don't know what is real. We played checkers. She had her own rules and did not tell me what the rules were while we were playing. I would try to move and she would tell me that no I was not allowed to make that move, but she never told me what the actual rules were.
Larissa
Leia