Friends

Do you have a lot of friends? I have two friends really, and then some people I know. My best friend is Julian. He is a good friend. He lives in a nursing home because he is blind and has diabetes and either his sisters don't want to take care of him, or he does not want to live with his sisters. We met at Church, in the upper room. He calls me on the phone and we talk. And I go to visit him in the nursing home. Because of the virus, I have not been able to visit him lately. He is a religious fanatic. Even more so than I am. He makes me seem like a liberal atheist in comparison. He may be the most religious person I know, other than Cora maybe. Cora is a belle. But Julian is nice to me and I am happy he is my friend even though we disagree on many things. He is a sedevacantist and a Feeneyite, and I am neither, though when those points come up I do not argue. I am almost a Feeneyite, but I am not. And when he says those antichrists in Rome are not true popes, I smile and nod, but do not argue. Though he does know I am not a sedevacantist.

My second friend is angry Tom. He calls me on occasion, but not often. He goes around to the various traditional Churches in the city, and often comes to mine. And we talk. He argues a lot, but we have never argued. He once saw me looking at the beautiful Cecilia because she is so beautiful and said I should go after her, which I thought was strange, because she is so far out of my league. Tom is also a sedevacantist, but he is not a Feeneyite. Tom will also talk about the antichrists in Rome, and he will not call him Francis, but always Bergoglio this, and Bergoglio that. But I love him also. Tom is sick with cancer, though when I see him he always looks good, though sometimes he can not walk so well.

Then there are other friends. Cora is one. She is always praying. And she has strange beliefs about health and sickness and she is pious but she is not a sedevacantist. Very much not so, she thinks they are bad people and she is a loyal SSPX supporter. Pray for our priests, she says. She is always praying. She moved to Kentucky and then to West Virginia. Her dream is to live near an SSPX Church in Oregon where she will be able to go to daily Mass and get last rites and be buried. She is a belle.

And then there are old acquaintances. I once had two girlfriends. The first one was named Mellonie. I do not know how she is doing. She was from Hong Kong. For a while after we broke up. I broke up with her. For a while after we broke up we kept in touch. I would email her every year on her birthday and at Christmas, and she would email me on my birthday. And some times we would meet up at a diner somewhere. Last year she did not email me on my birthday. Or on Christmas. So I did not want to push and did not email her on Christmas, or this year on her birthday. I have fond memories of her, though I did not treat her well. Not that I abused her.

The other girlfriend was named Stephanie. I do not remember her fondly. If I could I would erase her from my life. It was a disaster. An avalanche. And then after her I went crazy. I do not keep in touch with her. She has an Instagram but I do not look at it.

Then I have my old muse. I used to have a crush on her and then a few years ago found out she was an online person so I look at some of her posts. I was really obsessed with her for a while. We do not talk, but I look at her Instagram. She is sad lately. And I can do nothing to help her.

Then I guess I could mention two people I used to work with. Matthew and Andrea. They are married. They worked with me and my old muse a long time ago. I mentioned them because I met them two times last year and we had a good time. But we haven't spoken much since so I can not count them as friends.

Of the people who I think wish me the best, I can count my Church friends. Firstly Julian and Tom, but also Cora and Karen and Barbara and Chris and the other Tom. And then there is our priest, Carl S, who calls me on the phone to talk sometimes now that we have no Mass.

When the world goes back to normal again I will go to confession and confess my sins. I have one old one and one new one, I hope not mortal. But I feel as if I have God's grace. I am not scrupulous anymore. I used to worry more when I was a new Christian, but now I feel as if God is my friend, and not my slave-master.

And then there are internet friends. I talk to people on the internet. Perhaps I could count Robert and Chris as friends. For a while I talked to Chris about things that were important, but we haven't talked much lately. And Robert has always been nice to me and read my stories.

So I do not have a lot of friends, and I have no wife or girlfriend and no prospects. I am too old anyway to start a romantic relationship. And I do not really want one as I do not think I am fit for being a husband or a father. So be it. But the touch of a woman gives sensual pleasure. I did like it when a woman would kiss me or run her hands through my hair.

And then there are my heavenly friends. First of all  there is Gemma, who has been the saint I have been most devoted to since I became religious. I speak to her all the time. And then there is the Cure of Ars and Padre Pio, and then of course the Blessed Mother who I pray to. And Jesus is my friend. A friend of God, I am a friend of God. Am I? I hope so. I want to be.

I do not feel lonely, having so few friends. I am happy. I have my family. But perhaps if I had more friends I would be happier? Or a wife? But they would have to be Church friends and not secular ones. But my Church is not big. Perhaps I could become friends with the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia. Perhaps, but I doubt it. I am friendly with some people, but not the pretty young girls.

So I hope my old muse is happy soon. Things fall apart. I do not want things to go badly with her. I would be sad.

In This Life

In this life there is no purgatory; it is either hell or paradise; for to him who serves God truly, every trouble and infirmity turns into consolations, and through all kinds of trouble he has a paradise within himself even in this world: and he who does not serve God truly, and gives himself up to sensuality, has one hell in this world, and another in the next.
-St. Philip Neri

A quote taken from another blog.

Pork Shoulder

Back from Church. No Mass, but got to look at Jesus for a while. My father was kind enough to drive me again. And mom came. The girl is cooking dinner tonight. Pork shoulder. She did it a week ago, and liked it enough to do it again. I was thinking about making swordfish steaks. I never ate swordfish. I do like cooking. The best is making soup. I like keeping the vegetables and chicken scraps in the freezer, then taking out the big stock pot and boiling it all for hours. Us being together as a big family is good and bad. It is nice having a nice big meal together, but I am eating common food and not my rice and lentils.

Just a record of my thoughts. And my dreams. And my wishes. Thank you for reading.

Girls

I think a lot about life. My life is happy. I have my routines. During the pandemic I have become a drunkard. Not literally. But I have gone against the AA teaching that one can never have a drink because it will always lead to the loss of the soul to the demons of the liquor. But who are the important people in my life? I titled this post "girls" because I like girls. I have no girl in my life. I am insignificant. There is not a girl in this world who cares about me or who shows me favor.

There are girl saints in heaven who I communicate with. And I have a girl who used to be my muse for a while but we never talk, though she posts things online. But no girl thinks about me always, loves me, and cares for me and would be sad if I died today.

I am an old man and I am poor. It is good that I am happy with little, because I will never have more.

But it is strange. In late 2018 and early 2019 I had my muse who I thought about and wrote my stories about and obsessed over, though not with lust, but that is over and now I only have the saints.

It has been a long time since I have been to Mass, so I do not see the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia and the other girls at Church. I hope to see them again soon. We are not friends, as I am with Julian and angry Tom, but I love seeing them with grace.

I think a lot about life. It is good that there are so many birds. I could be happy even with only sparrows and pigeons, the ugly rock doves. There is something beautiful about birds. When I think about animals, and how animals are beautiful and people are ugly. It has to be because animals are innocent and people are defiled with sin. A sinful man should be uglier than any animal, while a just man should be more beautiful than any animal. For those with eyes to see. I say this as a schizophrenic whose first fall into craziness was to think I could see peoples' sins and was repulsed by them. Perhaps it is a gift and not a delusion.

If you want to be my friend, please send me a message. I could use more friends. I have a couple of friends and then there are other people. To have someone to save you or someone for you to save. In this world of pain. Gemma is my friend, but she has never visited her. I only love her and hope she loves me. And I never hear a word from my muse, but that is on the razor's edge. And Mellonie, I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. I am dust to her. But I love the good God. Happy birthday.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.