Custodian of Tradition

 So I went to Church today for the first time since the end of the world. The world ended on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Friday. Francis abrogated the Latin Mass. Sort of. It seems it will be allowed on a small scale for a while, but hopefully the fools who like it will die out and then there will be nothing but the glory of the Novus Ordo. Someone was saying that trads are stupid and idolize the Latin Mass. But I say those people do not have a religion. They just slavishly obey the pope's orders with no religion. No belief. No liturgy, No cosmology. No morality. Just do what the Pope says. That is all. I want to follow Christ, not the demon Francis. Like the people say that you can know nothing for yourself, except to slavishly follow the magisterium. Like someone on Suscipe Domine, who also contradictorilly claims to admire the Jansenists. But he is an obvious shill. Though an amusing one. Even St. Paul told people to hold to tradition and if anyone, even an angel from heaven, were to say otherwise, let him be anathema. Even demon Francis.

People say that after Vatican I and up until Vatican II, the laity came to worship the Pope and the priests. Whatever the Pope said was from God and whatever the priest said was from God. They were infallible. Now we see the failure of this idea. We have clergy with no faith who are Communists and sodomites who hate God and his holy Church. As one person said, if my priest said I could cheat on my wife, I could cheat on her without sin. As John Zmirak said a while ago on twitter, his priest would hold a bingo party and would give everyone a bologna sandwich but it was a Friday. So he would say, don't worry, I give you all a dispensation, you can eat meat today without sin. 

I go to an SSPX Mass. So we do not obey. When the Novus Ordo Mass came out, Lefebvre said, "Well, we'll keep saying the Old Mass, right?" Indeed. Father Sulzen gave a sermon where he talked about the Moto Proprio, and said we will keep the faith, and we will. Nobody cares, but I do. I hate the Novus Ordo and hope it dies. Even someone like Matt Walsh who works for Ben Shapiro, was talking about how they have this Latin Mass that all the young people love and really believe in, while the Novus Ordo is only attended by lackluster boomers. Wouldn't the Pope like to go with what the hopeful enthusiastic young people care for? Of course not. They hate God and his holy Mass. I hope people do not lose faith and come to the SSPX and things go well.

I think things will get serious. They will end the diocesan Latin Masses and all the trads will go to the SSPX or the sedevacantists with no choice (other than going to the Novus Ordo or the Eastern Rites.) And when everyone is in the SSPX, the Pope devil will excommunicate the SSPX and all who go to their Masses. And the shills will talk about how we have to obey the pope, and how if one follows the Pope it is impossible to lose the faith or salvation, and to still go to the Latin Mass is an act of disobedience. Go to hell. I would much rather live with Blaise Pascal than with people like him. 

The Sin Parade Day

 Today was the pride March. It is rightly named as pride is the deadliest of the deadly sins and sodomy is considered by some saints to be the worst sin so that sodomites suffer greater pains in hell than any other sinners. The flag is the rainbow. The rainbow was a sign of God's covenant with Noah after the flood. It is used ironically by the gays because the reason for the flood according to some was because the world had fallen into the embrace of sodomy and gay marriage. Spit in the face of God. What does a rainbow have to do with sodomy? Shit is brown and blood is red.

Of course I went into the city today to go to Church. Our Mass is in a building in Soho now and not in the Soldiers and Sailor's Club anymore. They sold that building. Mass was beautiful, as it always is. There were so many people in the subway with rainbows and half naked. So many young people. When I was in school the worst insult was to call someone "gay" and now they are all celebrating it. Everyone is brainwashed. I wish one day a real rain would come and wash all this scum off the streets. 

I don't think things look good for New York City. I see it falling back into racial strife and crime. I hope my neighborhood stays safe. It has always been safe. I was never mugged or approached or even bothered by a stranger in all my life here. My father was robbed once on 110th street coming home from work in the ninetees when crime was worse than it has been lately.

After Mass Louis was there so we went out to get real food. When he is not there we get donuts and coffee. When he is there we go get real food. Today we went to a pizza place called Marinara. I had a chicken roll and some garlic bread. Bishop Williamson and Father Hewko came up. And me and Louis spoke about Steve Skojec and Taylor Marshall and how Louis thought Marshall was more popular but I argue that Steve was popular as well. They were called grifters. Both of them make six figures off of donations from Catholics, but we both agreed that Marshall has a better show. Someone wants to move to Portugal. Where the dogma of the faith will always be preserved. Houses are cheap there, so they say.

Coming home on the subway a girl was passed out on the train. I was thinking about waking her up because I thought she had slept and passed her stop. But I let her be. When my stop came she woke up and got out. I watched her. She went down and under and went back up the stairs to go to the train going back the other way. She had missed her stop. Nighty night.

In This Life

In this life there is no purgatory; it is either hell or paradise; for to him who serves God truly, every trouble and infirmity turns into consolations, and through all kinds of trouble he has a paradise within himself even in this world: and he who does not serve God truly, and gives himself up to sensuality, has one hell in this world, and another in the next.
-St. Philip Neri

A quote taken from another blog.

Hopeless

On the idea that some people are already damned, but still go on living. They are waiting for death with nothing ahead of them but waiting for eternal hell. Are there some people who have pushed God too far and are already damned but are still yet living? Something I think about. What if I am among them. What exactly is the unforgivable sin that Jesus talks about? Have I committed this sin? It is not quiet clear. Is saying something unkind about the third person of the Blessed Trinity an unforgivable offense? Looking back on my life, have I done that? I cannot remember. Perhaps once when I was drunk or on drugs? But others say that this blasphemy that is unforgivable is merely final impenitence and that there is no sin that can not be forgiven if one is penitent. But then there is that dreaded sermon of the Cure of Ars where he says that some sinners have pushed God too far and even if they come back to God they are forsaken by Him and God does not listen to their cries. He gives Voltaire as an example. He called for a priest and even went to confession and as he was dying the last few hours of his life were spent begging God for forgiveness, but St John Vianney tells us that his sorrow was in vain. He had pushed God too far and was damned. Could I be among those so doomed? Are my prayers and piety in vain?

I think sometimes on that matter when I interact with other people. I know one man who does not have hope and lives in despair and I wonder if he is right to do so and if I am only fooling myself with hope which will only lead to greater disappointment. It does not hurt as it makes me happy, but what if it were more fitting to hate God for forsaking me?

Has God forsaken you? I am a happy person lately. But I am also so very alone. Julian is alone. My best friend. He is in a home and can not see. But I am alone. I am older now and I have no wife and no means to support one and I have no friends so I get lonely. When I was younger I knew what it was like to be with a woman and it is normal to be married. But I have to face the fact that I am alone, will remain alone, and then I will die and nobody will go to my funeral. Maybe I could meet some crazy girl on disability and we could get married and live together. I know that will never happen. But if you know anyone you think would be good for me let me know. But I did know a couple like that so if it could happen like that maybe it could happen for me. No, I am alone. I am happy. My life is not difficult now. And on Monday I get to go to therapy to talk. Loneliness. Go to Church, therapy. I do not slave away, but my mind does not work. Life is good for me now because I have my family. I love my family, except that they watch television. I hate television.

Be good and be happy. It was nice going to Church today. Like every Thursday there were the grackles. Cackling. It is almost time for my holy hour, my favorite prayer. In peace until then.

On Suicide

Confiteor Deo omnipotenti, beatae Mariae semper Virgini, beato Michaeli Archangelo, beato Joanni Baptistae, sanctis Apostolis Petro and Paulo, et omnibus Sanctis, quia peccavi nimis cogitatione verbo and opere, mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. Ideo precor beatam Mariam semper Virginem, beatum Michaelen Archangelum, beatum Joannam Baptistam, sanctos Apostolos Petrum et Paulum, et omnes Sanctos, orare pro me ad Dominum Deum nostrum.

Miseratur nostri omnipotens Deus, et dimissis peccatis nostris, perducat nos ad vitam aeternam. Amen.

Indulgentiam, absolutionem, et remissionem peccatorum nostrorum, tribuat nobis omnipotens et misericors Dominus. Amen.

I confess to almighty God, to blessed Mary ever Virgin, to blessed Michael the Archangel, to blessed John the Baptist, to the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and to all the Saints, that I have sinned exceedingly in thought, word, and deed, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. Therefore I beseech blessed Mary ever Virgin, blessed Michael the Archangel, blessed John the Baptist, the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, and all the Saints, to pray to the Lord our God for me.

May the almighty and merciful God have mercy upon us, forgive us our sins, and bring us unto life everlasting. Amen.

May the almighty and merciful Lord grant us pardon, absolution, and remission of our sins. Amen.

In my life I only have a few friends now. I count as friends only among the people who I know from Church, (not because they share the same religion, but because I don't really know many people other than Church friends, except neighbor acquaintances and doctors and fellow crazy patients). And of those only one is a true friend and that is Julian. Julian is like a Russian Old believer, only Catholic. I love him dearly. You see he went blind and cannot see. So I visit him in the nursing home where he lives and bring him food. And he likes to pray so we pray the Saint Michael chaplet. There are also other friends from Church, but Julian is the closest. Next is angry Tom and Cora who moved far away but calls me at least once a month and sends me text messages asking me to pray for her. So I have only one real friend.

But there are other people who I love dearly. You see I have heard speak of suicide among two people who I love. I do not know what to say about that. Neither of these people believe what I believe. I hope they do not go through with it. One is more serious than the other. One mentioned it as a reality already attempted but failed with the likelihood of attempting it again. The other mentioned it more like some beautiful ideal, but not a reality to be chosen immediately.

I am not a movie expert. But the most beautifully filmed movie that in my eyes (of the few that I know) was a late silent film called Tabu, the last film directed by Murnau. It was gorgeous. At the end a man swims into the ocean as far as he is able until his strength fails him and he falls beneath the waves and drowns.

Nobody cares what I write and I do not think the person I am thinking of will ever read this. But what must one think of suicide? I do not know what the person believes. Whether atheist, or satanist, or agnostic. What can I say?

To my mind there is nothing worse that one can do than suicide. Not because it is the worst sin, but because it is one's last act. To end one's life with mortal sin means hell for there is no chance for repentance. I don't know if they believe this. I do not know if they care about me or anything or even know that there is a crazy person far away who loves them and would be heartbroken if they did it or if they care. They already know of friends and family who would be sadder so I am not that important. And the pain that is near and deep is more powerful than the pain of another who may know thee and care. The demon that is gripping one seems stronger than the angel that is far away.

I have been through suffering. Everyone suffers. It is as if it is the meaning of life after the fall. I imagine the devils have a lot to do with suicide. I imagine they grab into souls in despair and sadness and tempt them to off themselves, and when they succeed they drag their souls to hell and gleefully, in their agony, can they sense glee? Yes, glee is a wicked thing. Drag them down forever and forever. It must take a lot of egging on. It is something that I not considered even in my darkest moments. I stopped at black-out drunkenness until I could no longer remember. Perhaps I am innocent. And then when I was tormented by my demons for so long I believed so suicide was not an option so I stopped at frantic prayer in my agony. I have my own demons. Even when I was in the hospital lately the priest thought I was possessed and prayed over me prayers of exorcism and now I am at peace so perhaps they worked. My whole psychosis is caked in religious themes of angels and demons and has been since its beginning.

But if someone I loved, and the person is someone I love but am not close to at all so I cannot just call them on the phone like a good friend, were to commit suicide? My relationship to her is like a person who likes an actress he sees in the movies and thinks about her often. I don't want to think of it or have it happen. But it is out of my hands. I hope it is just bluster and not a serious threat. If it happened, then when I thought of this person I would have to think, she is in hell. And if I am saved I will never meet her again and if I am damned I will be with her forever, but I will no longer love her but would hate her forever. Sometimes in one's romantic moments one might have thought of some girl in one's lust and have said to oneself "when I am in hell, I want to be by her side" but if it ever happens one will regret ever having thought of it.

I am just hoping it does not happen. I have no ears who listen to these words but I do pray. Hopefully I am misunderstanding things and nothing bad is really happening (except to the animals in factory farms).

It is a sensible thing to do. If one is in pain and that pain is unbearable, one thinks one can end that pain by an overdose or a noose or even a trigger. But what if it is not the end of the pain but merely the beginning of the real pain, the pain that never ends?

I don't know. I feel that most people these days must be tormented by the demons. I am at peace. Now. The demons are not bothering me now. I wish that I could take on some of the demons that are hurting other people to myself so that they could have some peace. Or have them go away because of prayers. I don't know. I would take a little suffering to ease another person's pain. I could bear a little more than I have now. Are we in this world together?

Often I pensee that we are in hell and we are all damned and that there is no hope for us and this life will go on forever and never end. Perhaps we will die in the end only to be born again in a new hell and the suffering will continue forever. However one might think this world is not all that bad for being hell. A good point. Or I can think that I do not remember my particular judgment by Jesus so I cannot be in hell. But perhaps when one is born into hell one forgets their "birth" as one forgets the beginning of one's life in the world. Often I think that I am already damned but have gone on living. As if my sins are unforgivable and there is no more mercy available and that everyone else is in the same boat so we are all merely waiting for the inevitable damnation (one must say that there was a private revelation where the Virgin lamented that if men continue to go in in sin there will reach a time where there will no longer be any pardon from God. Perhaps we have reached that time. I know I have played my part). "Some drink, some become sex addicts, and some go on hoping." Others kill themselves with this thought: "Yes, it is a sin and I will be punished, but it will end my life and thus I will not go on living, piling sin upon sin, so in the end I will be better off and my eternity will be a little less painful." While I was in the hospital my parents visited me as often as it was allowed. The nurses and other patients pointed out how good they were to visit me so often. One time I thought that they were vampires and they had turned me into a vampire as a child and now I was un-dead and I got angry at them for stealing my soul and condemning me to eternal damnation before I was old enough to choose for myself. One thinks strange thoughts when one is a paranoid schizophrenic (though usually I am not paranoid).

So I do not blame one for committing suicide, more than any other sin. I do not think it is the act of a coward. But the effects are unthinkable as I believe . . . and in my mind, I know. Perhaps one can think that after they swallowed the pills and before they passed out they repented and called out to God and were forgiven, but they also say one generally dies as one lives and such repentance is rare. I am a nobody. But I cry out in the wilderness and nobody hears me. Nobody has crossed the Jordan to receive my baptism. Perhaps because I am not a saint. I am a fool. Yes, but a fool who loves, but I have converted no one. Perhaps I strengthen the faith of a few, like Julian, who knows, but I am a little man. A poor fool of no account. All alone. What God cares of my prayers? How many have prayed for those who they loved, yet despite their prayers, the ones they have loved were damned?

Yes or no. Nobody reads this anyway. I hope out loud, but nobody hears me. I hope and pray. It is Christmas soon. Merry Christmas. Go to Church and pray, even if you do not believe anymore. Don't hate life.

The Parable of the Onion

I find The Brother's Karamozov to be greatest novel written by a fallen man that I have ever read. The Novel is a fallen art form. The cry of Adam after the fall, trying to make sense of his misery after he lost the gifts of God. The tragedy of Don Quixote is that he loses the faith in the end after he is defeated and dies a broken man. But the Brother's Karamazov is a Novel of Hope. Dr. White sees in it an act of hope and a sign of the future conversion of Russia in fulfillment of the Fatima prophecies. Alyosha is the fictional character I adore and relate to the most. Who most touches me. People say he is boring. I see that as a sign they are bad people. I often think about Dostoyevsky and hope he is in heaven. He was buried in a Russian Orthodox Monastery. Thinking of EENS, we would assume he is damned, but we can always hope for a deathbed conversion to Catholicism. I would hope Dostoyevsky is in heaven more so than nearly any other man who died apparently outside the visible structures of the Church.

The two most important parables in the novel are "The Grand Inquisitor" and "The Parable of the Onion". I will be silent on the first and focus on the second. There is a wicked soul in hell who only ever performed one good act in her entire life. One day she saw a beggar at her door and she gave her an onion. So after she was damned her guardian angel told the good God about the onion and the good God told her to take that onion and offer it to the damned soul and if he could draw her out of hell using that onion she could be saved. So the angel offers the onion to the damsel and starts to draw her out and she is getting near out of hell. The other souls see her and cry out. "save us! Let us hold on to thy skirts so that we too can get out and be saved!" But the damsel was wicked. She did not want to help out the other poor souls. She wanted to be saved alone. And she had no faith. She thought that if the other souls grabbed on to her the onion would break. So she started kicking the other poor souls and crying out "It is my onion, not yours. Mine!" And as she cried out "Mine!" the onion broke and the damsel fell back into hell, deeper than she was before and remained there forever. Because she no compassion on her fellow souls in hell.

I feel that I have been through hell and I hope to be drawn out. I want to hold onto my onion until the sweet sweet end. I will try not to kick the other poor souls who cling on to me but instead to help them come aboard and maybe some of us will be drawn up to heaven and have peace in the bosom of Abraham forever and ever.

P.S. I saw someone from the hospital today. I will not share his name because it should remain private. He was Jewish. He looked old and feeble in the hospital and he was old and feeble today with a nurse walking with him.

Hell Is Like A Ball In The Center of Eternity

Hell is like a ball of fire in the center of eternity and heaven surrounds it as a hollow sphere. The souls in hell burn with a bright flame that serves as the bright sun in the center of eternity. And the souls in heaven walk about on the inside of the sphere and bask in the glow of the fires of hell and get light from it and see by it. But like the sun in the temporal world the souls in heaven cannot look at the sun. It is too bright and to stare at it would blind them. After the earth has melted away into nothingness. Does God look into the heart of the sun to see the souls of the damned in the fires that illuminate heaven? Or does God forget them? "And these souls God forgets."

Matthew