Fasting Again

 I have gained a lot of weight since this covid nonsense started. I have been eating more, and also drinking beer. So I decided to stop and lose weight again. Actually the weight gain really began when I got out of the hospital almost two years ago, but it got worse since covid. I ate more, and stopped going out for my two daily walks during the winter.

So now I started going on my two daily walks again. And starting yesterday I am fasting. It will be slow going, as I do not have the will built up yet. The immediate goal is to eat two meals a day, not counting tea. A half of a tuna melt, or alternatively two pieces of toast with butter and jam, at noon time. And a normal dinner, whatever I make for my family at night. I am not going to eat a separate meal of rice and lentils as I did the last time I fasted. But that is for now, I may switch as time goes on. On Sundays I will not fast, and sometimes I will allow myself to take some beer. But still eat less than I normally would.

On day one I did well. I had my two meals and took a little extra food in between meals as I got hungry. But even though I had a little extra, it was a little enough amount of food that if I continued to eat that way I would lose weight. Today, day two, I also took a little extra food. But a little less than yesterday. And I will be having a light dinner. In time, I will get less hungry and be able to eat less food. Who knows, in time I may have the will to eat only one meal, at night, and not have my half a tuna melt in the morning. But I will not do this quickly, as recently I bought a lot of cans of tuna from the internet so I have at least a month's worth to eat before it is gone. Perhaps the goal will be to reduce the amount of food until I am ready to eat only one meal when I run out of cans of tuna. So it is going well so far. I hope the will to fast does not go away. I was able to sustain it for half a year the first time, hopefully the same will happen again.

And I started taking my two daily walks. Yesterday I saw a falcon soaring and an oriole sitting high up in a tree and singing. I love seeing uncommon birds. The common birds in my neighborhood are mourning doves which are my favorite birds, sparrows, pigeons, starlings, mockingbirds, and robins. Sometimes I see gold finches, cardinals, blue jays, and woodpeckers. There are also the hawks who often rest atop the steeple of the Church a block and a half away from our house. And of course there are the grackles who live in South Richmond Hill on the way to St. Benny's. But I have stopped walking to St. Benny's for Benediction since covid so I haven't seen them recently. I should find out if they have Benediction again over there so I could go on Thursdays as I used to go. And of course there are the songbirds who live in the bird store on Atlantic Avenue which I go past on my walks. There are other birds whose names do not come to my mind but they are not as common as those I named.

I have been bringing my best friend Julian food on Fridays. I bring him tuna salad sandwiches with celery and cucumbers and lettuce with no cheese. He wants a specific type of bread from Trader Joe's called Ezekiel Bread. I bought it once for him. But we do not eat it so it will go bad every week if I continue to buy it for him. Perhaps I will just give him the whole loaf when I bring the sandwiches to him on Fridays. I would get him the bread every week, but I can not always get a ride to Trader Joe's and it is a long walk or 5.50 for the bus fare. Julian is a charity case. I am always buying him things and he doesn't pay me back very much. For every ten dollars I spend on him he gives me one dollar back. But I don't mind. I have nothing to spend my money on anyway. I guess I could give more money to Church.

And I have started taking my cold showers again. It does strengthen the will so it goes well with fasting. And I have decided to say more prayers. Be sure to pray the whole Little Office every day except for Sunday and the Office of the Dead at night before I go to bed. And the Rosary which I always pray. Sunday is a Holiday. I go into the city for Church and after Mass we talk foe a while with my friends. There is a new man at Church named Raymond. He introduced himself to me last week, though I had seen him before. He started coming regularly a little earlier in the year. Perhaps next week we will invite him to the Donut Pub after Mass so we can talk about religion. CUP. I was thinking about these things at Church this week and during the Canon I started praying "help me to be more of a monk". So I am eating less and praying more, and having my recreation of my walks. 

I have a problem of talking to myself. Sometimes when I talk to myself I say bad things without really thinking about what I am saying until after it is said. I used to confess this until the priest told me that if it was not intentional it probably was not a sin. I do say bad things. Maybe it is the wickedness spilling over the brim of my wicked heart. But sometimes I say good things as well, does that mean my heart is good? Am I a good tree or a wicked one. Do I bear fruit? 

Parakeet

 As I was walking I saw a yellow bird eating rice with the sparrows as if they were friends. After a while the birds flew away onto the roof of a house and I saw the flashing yellow. Then the bird flew away shining brightly and she was gone. I am not sure what kind of bird it was, but it was not a finch. It looked like a parakeet, yellow with some green, but I am not sure.

Soon after a man was walking down the street with a brown blanket wrapped around his neck, flowing down. In his left hand he held a 40 oz been and was lifting it up to his mouth to drink. At 11:30 AM. He had white hair and looked like an Old Testament prophet.

Girls

I think a lot about life. My life is happy. I have my routines. During the pandemic I have become a drunkard. Not literally. But I have gone against the AA teaching that one can never have a drink because it will always lead to the loss of the soul to the demons of the liquor. But who are the important people in my life? I titled this post "girls" because I like girls. I have no girl in my life. I am insignificant. There is not a girl in this world who cares about me or who shows me favor.

There are girl saints in heaven who I communicate with. And I have a girl who used to be my muse for a while but we never talk, though she posts things online. But no girl thinks about me always, loves me, and cares for me and would be sad if I died today.

I am an old man and I am poor. It is good that I am happy with little, because I will never have more.

But it is strange. In late 2018 and early 2019 I had my muse who I thought about and wrote my stories about and obsessed over, though not with lust, but that is over and now I only have the saints.

It has been a long time since I have been to Mass, so I do not see the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia and the other girls at Church. I hope to see them again soon. We are not friends, as I am with Julian and angry Tom, but I love seeing them with grace.

I think a lot about life. It is good that there are so many birds. I could be happy even with only sparrows and pigeons, the ugly rock doves. There is something beautiful about birds. When I think about animals, and how animals are beautiful and people are ugly. It has to be because animals are innocent and people are defiled with sin. A sinful man should be uglier than any animal, while a just man should be more beautiful than any animal. For those with eyes to see. I say this as a schizophrenic whose first fall into craziness was to think I could see peoples' sins and was repulsed by them. Perhaps it is a gift and not a delusion.

If you want to be my friend, please send me a message. I could use more friends. I have a couple of friends and then there are other people. To have someone to save you or someone for you to save. In this world of pain. Gemma is my friend, but she has never visited her. I only love her and hope she loves me. And I never hear a word from my muse, but that is on the razor's edge. And Mellonie, I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. I am dust to her. But I love the good God. Happy birthday.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.

The Stations of the Cross

So some people are sick. They say there are a lot of people at Elmhurst hospital. My older brother once spent time in the psych ward there. It did not help him. He said there was nothing to do but walk down the hall, turn around, and walk again down the hall. It made him crazier. I never was there. I know Jamaica Hospital better.

Things fall apart. I am saying my daily prayers. My brother and the girl are going out jogging daily. We cook dinner. Last night I made chocolate brownie sundaes. Everyone liked them. Michael said it was a good idea. I am fasting. Trying to juggle my rice and lentils routine with being a good host and cook. Tonight it will be rice and lentils, and I am making other random food, different kinds for different people. A frozen lasagna, two hamburgers. I like my hamburgers better than the one I ate at "Hamburger Heaven" on Lexington Avenue. But they are not special. All one has to do is buy ground beef from the grocery store and add a little salt and don't overcook it. One can add butter for flavor. I am not a vegetarian, though in an ideal world I would be. In an ideal world I would be a vegan and I would be healthy. From what I understand vegans have to take vitamins to make up for some nutrients that are lacking in plant sources which are normally gotten from eating animal products. One can eat eggs to make up for it, and not eat any meat. I guess that is the best way to go. Bread, rice and lentils, and one egg. With salt.

The buses are still running and they free now. But you have to enter in the back door so as to keep the drivers away from people so they don't get ill. I want to take the bus to Glendale on Good Friday. They have a Lourdes Grotto and outdoor Stations of the Cross which I plan on praying if it is not raining. I have my book.

Tonight I am drinking beer with my father. I have more than him. I have two large cans and then to bed. My father is having a 22. It is a precautionary measure to keep up the spirits. I am fine and happy. Even though I do not have many friends and I cannot go to Church. No visitors are allowed at the nursing home so I cannot visit Julian. I will try to talk to him on Tuesday.

My days are routine. Prayer at twelve, three and six. Then night prayer. And my little prayer when I wake and before I go to bed. Then the Rosary which I have been praying while walking. I take two walks, one to 102 st and one to Atlantic Avenue. Sometimes I change routes or take an extra walk. I cannot visit Churches. I look at Catholic websites on my computer and sometimes news. I cook dinner at night and eat. Different things, different nights. I talk to my family. I am uncomfortable around the girl as I do not know her. The centre cannot hold.

So it is not very stressful in this time of pestilence even though I am without the sacraments. I am keeping up and trying to make things a little happier by giving ourselves a little pleasure. Through food or drink. Or taking a hot shower. There are too many people in the house to indulge in a warm bath. My Little Office is getting worn out. I like the contents but it is a paperback and the pages are glued and not sewn. So it looks like it will soon begin to fall apart. I have a different version which is harder to pray and understand but is made better. I may have to start using that one. In this time of pestilence.

I feel alone. Alone with God. I feel at peace with God. So I am happy. But I do not have a lot of godly friends. There are other people from Church. Like Julian. But only a few. Cora and Karen talk to me and we send text messages to each other or talk on the phone sometimes. And angry Tom calls on occasion. They are good people. I think Cora in particular is very pious. She is always praying. She is seventy eight but I used to look at her and marvel at how beautiful she looked even though she was so old.

I wonder if it will get bad and we will have to eat nothing but rice and lentils soon. That would be nice. Maybe there will be a depression and things will never go back to normal. That would be fine with me as long as we don't starve to death and the government does not start torturing us for the pleasure. As the gulag captain said, "I do not just want your work, I want your suffering." So as long as the authorities do not go all sadistic on us and everyone does not start dying, I would be content with poverty.

They say that the good God takes care of the retards and the crazies. For my sake I hope that holds true in my case. So far in my life it has. The good God through my family has always taken care of me since I went crazy twelve years ago. I hope things will continue to go well for me. And if not, I hope I can learn to take care of myself. I wonder if one day I will end up in some kind of institution. I know a woman who lives in such an institution. They help take care of the mentally ill and the patients have a little autonomy. They can leave to go to the store or to Church, but they are there to take care of them when help is needed. If I found myself in such a place I would be happy.

I am looking forward to tonight. My indulgence of a little beer. With my father. I am lucky to have a family. Even though I am the only pious one in the family. I pray for them generally and I wish they would not watch television. I tell them not to and that it is the devil's tabernacle. But they don't listen to me. Oh well. Now it is a little past three. I will leave you now to say my prayers. In this time of pestilence say a prayer to the good God.

A Dozen Mourning Doves

For Christmas I am celebrating with some beer. To get it I walked to the "Beer Garden". On the way there I was walking past an apartment building when I saw a group of a dozen mourning doves and they flew from the ground up into a fire escape on the side of the building with so many curtained windows. As they flew they all chanted their lonely dirge. "Coo, coo, coo, coo, coo." as only they can sing. I was so happy I shouted out something in joy. I forget exactly what I cried out, something like "what beautiful birds." A man was walking by, who seemed like a drifter and he smiled at me and said "aren't those birds wonderful?" And I said, "Yes, they are." And he walked away. I was happy and he seemed happy to see me happy.

A half a mile later I found the "Beer Garden" and went inside. I wanted a four pack of Duvel. I found it and purchased it. I had to wait for a woman who was buying Christmas scratch-off lotto tickets and a six pack. Expensive, but a treat for once a year.

Walking back I got to the apartment building where the birds were and they were still there on the fire escape, trying to keep warm in their feathers shivering with their heads pulled inside their bodies. I stopped and looked at them again. They are so  very beautiful. I smiled. On the way there and home I thought of how wonderful God is and I thought about someone and thought that I hoped I would see them in heaven together with God. After all the sorrows have melted away like wax before the flame. Mourning doves are my favorite birds. Turtle doves.

When strangers speak to me I take it as a sign. The man knew about life. He was awake. I find homeless people know the most. And drifters. And saints.

Mourning doves and sparrows. Grackles and crows. As if they are signs.