Michael

I love my brother Michael but I do not understand. Who is he? Is he really a person?

I bought a salami. Julian wanted a salami sandwich. So I bought a salami for him. I wanted to visit him today, but he told me that he had to go to dialysis today so I could not visit him. So I went to Church to pray instead. I can do that often. The Church is a block and a half away from my home. It is never crowded in the middle of the day. Other people have to work or don't care to visit God when they are free. Sometimes homeless people are there, but not always. Usually it is me alone before the tabernacle. I wonder what if Jesus is not really there because Julian is right and the Novus Ordo does not have true sacraments? Would that make it bad to go there? They say that wherever a priest says Mass even one time, the angels go to visit and worship God there until the end of time. So even if a Church goes out of use, the angels remain there and it is holy ground. So even then, perhaps it is good to go there and be with the holy angels and worship God there as the Church is older than 1969 and was the scene of countless valid Masses.

About how to be a good person. I think it is  most important to be chaste. I do not know the right words. But to not commit sexual sins. One should not masturbate or fornicate or adultery or sodomy. One has to control one's base passions. And if one is married one must have relations so as to have children. It is important not just to not do these things, but to not want to do these things, and to not even think of these things with desire or longing. To not be an addict to one's passions. One should want to be innocent like a young uncorrupted child. Teach a boy to masturbate and he will cease to pray. One must look up to God like he is truly your father and that he loves you and cares for you and that you love him in return. And that no matter what happens, even if the most evil things happen to you, in the end you will be happy with him forever if you remain faithful to him and love him. A child of grace. If one merely does not do bad things, but one wants to do bad things, and would do them if they were not punished by God, would one be good? Or merely afraid of punishment?

The more I have quiet, the more and more I despise nearly all entertainment. My father was listening to old pop songs and I was disgusted and thought to myself, people listen to music all day, every day, and even in the fifties is was just as bad; all it is is propaganda exalting fornication. Sweet little sixteen. To think that people allowed this and listened to this in their homes for generations. Their children. And people try to say we were moral and good back then? It makes me think everyone is a devil and they all deserve the moral and social decay that has happened in the past few decades. It really is very perverse. I think of Churches having mixed dances playing sexualized music to teenagers with the priests as impotent chaperones, some perhaps knowing that they are complicit in the damnation of those young souls, but they did nothing to object. I can no longer watch television or movies or other such things. Nearly everyone I see is a pervert. Even the conservative voices are often perverts. I read some conservative content and listen to some conservative talks on the computer and sometimes I am shocked by them. It makes me want to be alone, or just remain in Church all day looking at Jesus. But then I think at some Churches the priests are perverts also like was reported in the Post. So even if I do have Jesus in the tabernacle or in the monstrance, He was brought down here to earth by the hands of a sexual deviant. But perhaps Julian is right and Jesus is no longer there. As in the Eagles' song, "We haven't had that Spirit here since nine-teen sixty-nine".

I do not know. I do not understand.

So chastity is the most important virtue for me. I am sure that I am wrong. But I see it is tied up in innocence, and innocence is what we all should be. Innocence born or innocence regained. As like unto little children. There is a wonderful story about the parents of the little flower. After their marriage, perhaps a year later, her dear mother was sad because she was not pregnant yet and she spoke to someone about how she wanted to be with child but was not even though she had prayed for a child ceaselessly. In the course of the conversation it was discovered that neither she nor her husband knew what sex was and that that was the way one became pregnant. She just thought that if one was married and prayed for a child, God would grant it and the wife would become pregnant. After this discovery was made they were surprised and asked their priest if it would be better to remain in a Josephite marriage or to have children. And the priest told them to have as many children as God sends to be a good example to the other Catholics. In the world I want to live in everyone would be like those parents. Not that I am angry at God creating a world with sin, but I imagine what it would be like if there were less sin in it than there is.

I have heard one traditional Catholic priest who came across this same thing, so it exists today. He married a man and a woman and they did not have a child and the priest found out later that they did not know what sex was. So he told them. And they were so repulsed by the idea that they decided not to have sex and to not have their own children, but to adopt instead. Ever after this priest, just to make sure they knew, would instruct the couples he was to marry about what sex was to make sure that they knew. So people are innocent even today.

I am a lucky person. I have family that takes care of me. Without them life would be hard and I would lose hope. My mind is just not fully functional anymore. I hope they live longer and that I remain safe after my parents leave me, or that I leave them before they leave me.

I kind of wish I still went to AA meetings. It was nice to hear people talk as if they were friends. But it was too cultish for me. But I wish there were similar meetings where people talked, perhaps a Church group or something, however a Church group would be odd because of my peculiar religious beliefs.

Julian wouldn't like the priest we had say Mass for us on Sunday. He was too liberal on EENS for him (or for me). He was talking about protestants being saved without conversion to Catholicism. It used to be the "invincibly ignorant" and now it is any of them who are nice.

I was reading Rod Dreher for some reason and he was talking about sexual depravity as a result of having power over others. Not only among Catholic priests as he often talks about, but in the culture in general. It seems as a race we are so deprived that power leads to rape for many people, inexorably. I find sexuality so ugly honestly, even consensual. But the thought of the things many of those people do makes me almost wish for damnation. And I used to do wicked things myself before I became religious, so I know a little about depravity. Now I only want to be innocent. To be virtuous. But I am weak. I am not courageous. I am not a fighter. I would like to be a monk or a hermit and have a quiet life of silence.

It is new year's eve. Tomorrow is the beginning of year 7218 since creation if my math is correct. However there are different schools of thought on this apparently. I promised my parents I wouldn't have beer. I have to decide if I want diet soda. I am thinking yes, as a form of celebration.

I am not a good hermit. Robert would not like that I do eat meat. I could easily do without, but I eat at the same table as my parents who would not do without meat so I simply eat what I make them (I do not think eating meat is a sin). And I eat a little too much and drink a lot of coffee and diet soda. I would have to cut down on the meat and eat less and drink less. If I went back to my diet of rice and lentils with an egg with a little oatmeal and some bread and one cup of coffee I would be a better hermit. Since I got out of the hospital I have been a glutton, I admit. I pray a lot, but I also eat and drink and do not fast. Hopefully I will fast well for Lent. But my will power has decreased from what it used to be. I do not get bored or worry or get depressed often lately, but I have my sins.

So happy New Year. Julian and Karen wouldn't like it but I plan on going to Holy Innocents tomorrow for Mass. I should see people I know there and perhaps we can get coffee. 10:30 AM High Mass. I do not think it is invalid, but I don't know about receiving Communion. Would that be wrong if Jesus is really there? I know some SSPX priests oppose even going to the indult, but they do not say it is a sin, even to those who receive Communion there as many people do. But I just want to worship Jesus and talk to friends. So happy New Year. Hopefully next year I will be a better hermit.