Custodian of Tradition

 So I went to Church today for the first time since the end of the world. The world ended on the feast of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. Friday. Francis abrogated the Latin Mass. Sort of. It seems it will be allowed on a small scale for a while, but hopefully the fools who like it will die out and then there will be nothing but the glory of the Novus Ordo. Someone was saying that trads are stupid and idolize the Latin Mass. But I say those people do not have a religion. They just slavishly obey the pope's orders with no religion. No belief. No liturgy, No cosmology. No morality. Just do what the Pope says. That is all. I want to follow Christ, not the demon Francis. Like the people say that you can know nothing for yourself, except to slavishly follow the magisterium. Like someone on Suscipe Domine, who also contradictorilly claims to admire the Jansenists. But he is an obvious shill. Though an amusing one. Even St. Paul told people to hold to tradition and if anyone, even an angel from heaven, were to say otherwise, let him be anathema. Even demon Francis.

People say that after Vatican I and up until Vatican II, the laity came to worship the Pope and the priests. Whatever the Pope said was from God and whatever the priest said was from God. They were infallible. Now we see the failure of this idea. We have clergy with no faith who are Communists and sodomites who hate God and his holy Church. As one person said, if my priest said I could cheat on my wife, I could cheat on her without sin. As John Zmirak said a while ago on twitter, his priest would hold a bingo party and would give everyone a bologna sandwich but it was a Friday. So he would say, don't worry, I give you all a dispensation, you can eat meat today without sin. 

I go to an SSPX Mass. So we do not obey. When the Novus Ordo Mass came out, Lefebvre said, "Well, we'll keep saying the Old Mass, right?" Indeed. Father Sulzen gave a sermon where he talked about the Moto Proprio, and said we will keep the faith, and we will. Nobody cares, but I do. I hate the Novus Ordo and hope it dies. Even someone like Matt Walsh who works for Ben Shapiro, was talking about how they have this Latin Mass that all the young people love and really believe in, while the Novus Ordo is only attended by lackluster boomers. Wouldn't the Pope like to go with what the hopeful enthusiastic young people care for? Of course not. They hate God and his holy Mass. I hope people do not lose faith and come to the SSPX and things go well.

I think things will get serious. They will end the diocesan Latin Masses and all the trads will go to the SSPX or the sedevacantists with no choice (other than going to the Novus Ordo or the Eastern Rites.) And when everyone is in the SSPX, the Pope devil will excommunicate the SSPX and all who go to their Masses. And the shills will talk about how we have to obey the pope, and how if one follows the Pope it is impossible to lose the faith or salvation, and to still go to the Latin Mass is an act of disobedience. Go to hell. I would much rather live with Blaise Pascal than with people like him. 

Merry Christmas

 Today is Christmas Day. Went to Church. Mass was in a new location in Soho. As we do not have a real Church, but have Mass in a rented room. There were only about ten people. I think some did not know where it was. The smallest crowd I have ever seen there. But some people moved away. I was wondering where the lovely Helena and her sister Olivia have been as we haven't seen them in a while. They may be home from school. We did not have the normal vestments or chalice or crucifix or all the holy things. Father brought a travelling Mass kit with him to say Mass. We tried to sing the Alma Redemptoris Mater. At first we had trouble, but then after we got going we did a decent job. I remember most of the melody but not the words. So Tom had it written down and we were able to sing it. I don't know why we all know the Salve Regina, but not the other Marian songs.

Now Mom is cooking dinner. I am helping. We are having a turkey. Then we will open our presents.

The Upper Room

 So yesterday we were able to go to our little Mass in the upper room again and not Holy Innocents. Mass is back. I am happy. After Mass six of us went out to get food and talked for a while. I left before everyone else because it was getting late. They are only allowing 25 people in for Mass. Father said if more than 25 people come, he would let the extra people come up after the rest of us left and hear their confessions, give a sermon, and distribute Communion but not say another Mass.

Me and Michael had some beers and talked last night before bed. We think similarly about a lot of things. He is respectful and sympathetic, but he doesn't go to Mass all the time, or the Latin Mass, though he did come with us once a while ago and liked it. We agree about a lot of things. It is like he reads some of the same things and watches the same kind of things as I do. He is five years younger than me.

The election is tomorrow. I plan on drinking Guinness and then going to sleep without following the election. My parents will be watching the election coverage on thee TV so I will avoid them. I hate politics. 

Stigmata

 Yesterday Darius drove me to Church on long Island. With John. Near the Church I saw some grackles. Mass was beautiful.

Last night I had many dreams, but I only remember one. I dreamed I had the stigmata and was looking at the wounds in my hands. My dreams were pleasant, they were not dreams of despair. I am no Padre Pio. I may have mentioned that my uncle's father met Padre Pio and was his driver for a short while in Italy during the war. He saw his wounds.

The gold finches must live near my house, because again I saw them, three or four of them, hanging around by the flowers in our front yard. When I went out and when I came back they greeted me.

On my second walk for the first time in a long time, I saw the grackles down by Liberty Avenue I saw two big ones up in a tall tree. Only two. It was good to see them. I was wondering where they were. 

A Visit From Jesus At Home

Today Father S came to visit Julian and then he came to visit me. He brought in the Blessed Sacrament and put Him on a table with a white cloth he had me prepare. Then he said some prayers and had me say the Confiteor. Then he heard my confession. And then he absolved me. And then he gave me Communion. He broke the host in half because he had to visit another person after me. It was nice. He also blessed some medals and my picture of the Sorrowful Mother.

We talked. He said our living room and dining room combined were about the same size as the place where we used to have Mass in the city (and hopefully will again). They are looking for a new place and hoping for an end or an easing of the virus lockdown so we could have Mass again. He said that maybe we could have Mass at our house. I said I would like that, but not sure about mom and dad. They always used to make fun of my uncle George for having an obscure Russian Orthodox Church in his basement. It would be cool if we had a traditionalist Mass in our living room. But this is not likely. What is likely is that I had Jesus again from my priest. I gave him a donation.

When I go to the indult Mass in the city it just doesn't feel right. Now I think Jesus is also there, just that I have doubts about the priests' orthodoxy and traditionalism, which is why my preferences lie the way they do.

Some people think all Novus Ordo priests ordained in the New Rite are invalid so they avoid them. I do not go to them for confession, but lately I am willing to assume they are valid and receive the Sacraments there out of necessity. But Some people I know are going to the "resistance" chapel up north because of doubts about the validity of one of the priests in Ridgefield. People do not agree. And not only sedes. For a while, though I was never really a sede, I held some of their opinions like that the Novus Ordo did not have true Sacraments. But now I do not. Though I would completely understand refusing to receive the Sacraments from Novus Ordo priests out of the principle on not wanting anything to do with the new "springtime of Vatican II." Blessed be God.

Physiognomy

One of the things I have been thinking about which is strange, is physiognomy. The idea that you can tell things about the morality of the soul by a person's appearance. I think about such things a lot. It would be interesting to learn about physiognomy from a Catholic perspective, if there are any works on that available. It sounds like something that would be hidden by modern people in the Church. Such a work would exist but is only available in Italian or Latin and is not translated. All I know about the idea is that Professor Plinio supposedly claimed to be able to tell if a person was in the state of sanctifying grace or in mortal sin by looking at their eyes. And I have seen Tradition In Action posts which speak of such things, comparing the calm, serene appearance of saints, to the twisted, ugly appearance (ugly as sin) of non-Christians. Famously they insulted the appearance as evil looking of a pair of gypsy girls in an old photograph like you could see their greed and perversions even as children. But when I look at people most of them just look evil to me. The most common example of this is the idea that you can tell if a person is homosexual simply by looking at them, their eyes, and their mannerisms. They are stained by sin. Like Whitman wrote about the grey faces of the onanists. And there is the idea that promiscuous women have dead wicked eyes like sharks.

So that is my theory as to why most grown-ups re ugly. Children are born beautiful. Most young children are cute and only after they grow up do they become ugly. The thing about growing up is not that bigger people are more attractive but that when innocence is lost and they are introduced into the world of sin, the devils in their hearts come, slowly, after time, to manifest in their appearance.

When I walk around and see people, I assume nearly everyone is in the state of mortal sin. Because only children and devout Catholics can be otherwise. We know from polls, unless they are lying, that most people who claim to be Catholic approve of mortal sins like contraception and masturbation and fornication and even many, abortion, so most of them are lacking the grace of the Holy Ghost. And non-Catholics have no hope once the innocence of childhood is lost. They look it. Everyone is twisted and ugly. And even the people who are not physically ugly have evil eyes.

Some of the people I know from my traditional Church look otherwise. Many of them look beautiful and look like they are innocent and pure. Not all, but the ratio is higher there than anywhere else I have been in the city, among adults. But when I go to the indult, as I am now as it is better than no Church at all. For some reason many of the people look different. They do not look beautiful. Some of the servers look evil. The priest looks somewhere in the middle. But there are a few who go there who also look innocent and beautiful. I wonder if there is anything real about this or if it is all my delusions. But I can't wait until I get to go back to my traditional Church. Anthony in particular who goes there sometimes, and other times to the Chapel in Long Island, is the most beautiful looking older man that I know. He looks so pious and even saintly. Often he hands out holy cards to us and he seems kind. 

When I look at myself in the mirror I think I look beautiful enough. My eyes, my face. I do not think I look ugly or wicked even though I am getting older. Perhaps that is pride.

I wish there were more old pictures of saints so I could look at them and examine their faces and appearance. Many of the older saints look holy to me. Two in particular are my Gemma, and Pope Pius X. Also, pictures of the Little Flower while she was in her Carmel and her Father was very handsome, even though he was bald. It would make sense that the people with beautiful souls would also in time have beautiful faces because of the indwelling of the Holy Ghost. They come to look even as the angels in heaven look. But this must not be always the case.

Of modern people, as I have mentioned before, Bishop Schneider looks beautiful and holy to me, which might offend those who thing he is a false shepherd trying to devour the traditionalists. Mother Teresa looked evil to me and ugly. In some pictures, Pope Benedict looked downright evil to me, and in others he looked like a pious old man. Francis doesn't look particularly evil, but he does not look good either. Of secular figures, Governor Cuomo is remarkably ugly as his policies are sinful. Something about his eyes and the folds in his face speak of Moloch and Mammon. Pelosi is the obvious one, though she is older so it is normal to think she would be ugly. 

There is a thing about women. And I have changed. I find most women to be ugly, because I feel that I Can see their sins. They may look seductive, but if they are perverted, I can see their sins and they look ugly to me. I think that what many people call the wall, is the point where in a woman's life, the effect of her sinfulness and promiscuity overcomes her natural beauty and makes her ugly on the outside as she is on the inside.

By I am speaking strange things. The holiest looking woman I have ever met in real life is an old woman from Church named Cora. She is in her late seventies but when I used to see her, she moved away, it was remarkable how beautiful she was, more so than any old lady I have ever known. She was also very pious, so much so that people thought she was crazy. Pray for her, poor Cora. 

But now that everyone gets perverted, fornicating and masturbating and sodomizing at younger and younger ages, I think that soon, most children will come to be ugly as the adults are. More and more will become wicked-looking at a younger and younger age, until it will be rare for an older child to be anything but ugly and wicked. I am a pessimist for this earth, but not for heaven. All the saints are beautiful there.

This was the first thing that happened to me when I became schizo. I felt that I could see people's sins and it was frightening. It comes and goes. It is strong lately. I sill still go to Church at the indult I think, even though the people there are not as beautiful as those in my traditional Church which is shut down for now. I believe the sacraments are real, so Jesus is there. And they don't have Communion in the hand, though they do also say the Novus Ordo there.

All mourning doves are beautiful, but people are either ugly or beautiful, mostly ugly. Some start out uglier and others more beautiful, but over time, the influence of the devils or the Holy Ghost come to fashion the body and the soul into beautiful or ugly tabernacles. Children of God or children of the devil, for those who have eyes to see. I feel I can see, but I am crazy, I am deluded. Or it is a gift. Maybe one can not trust appearances. 

Brown Scapular Sighting

I went to the bank to deposit money in my mother's bank account. As I opened the door to go in a brown skinned man walked by and his shirt was not buttoned all the way up and I saw that he was wearing a white Rosary around his neck and a Brown Scapular. I Thought that was neat.

On my first walk this morning on the avenue I walked by a gray stray cat. The cat was just sitting there and she let me walk up to her. She was occupied eating grass. I did not know cat's ate grass.

Looking out the window a starling flew from inside our house (they have a nest there, below the gutter) to the electric wire that runs to the pole in the back. The starling pooed out white poop which fell to the ground, and then another bird flew up and started wrestling with the starling. I could not tell what kind of bird this was, I thought maybe a mourning dove. The two birds fell down out of sight and I did not see them again.

Father Pfeiffer is a Bishop now. In Kentucky. If you know who he is. He was just consecrated by a Thuc line Bishop named Webster. I went to his Masses four times. Twice under the SSPX and twice after he left. Now he is in Kentucky as the leader of what many regard as a cult. I believe he is a dogmatic geocenrist, but he opposes the flat earth movement.

As of now, Saturday evening, the moon is almost full. Father drove us to Bay Shore. While parked, I was waiting in the car when I saw a gaggle of crows. They cried out, two fought with each other. On telephone wires and old buildings. Birds of ill omens. Heart Shaped Box.

A Woman

I find it is easier for me as a man to love a woman than to love a man. So I find it more natural to love Mother Mary than to love Jesus. Or even to love a lesser creature, my Gemma. I love Jesus also, but I do not feel it as much. As much as I love Our Mother or my Gemma.

This is a strange picture that I really like. It is so very strange, but I like strange things. It reminds me of The Glories of Mary. I just finished talking with Julian a few minutes ago. My best friend. He is sad because he lost his favorite aide at the nursing home. Her name is Latoya.

I am listening to an interview with a very young priest of the SSPX who is about to become the District Superior of Canada. It just started. I hope it is good. It is how I am spending my evening tonight. He looks younger than me. But he went through schooling. Right now they are going into Baptism of Desire type ideas in relation to separated brethren and partial communion.

I lately have been praying more. I should pray even more. I love praying. But I might get tired of it if I did it too much. I have vague wishes that I were a monk. Something which is not possible because of my infirmities. But I would love to be a brother in some little monastery somewhere where they prayed the old office and Mass. There are not a lot of them so they can be picky. No crazies. I can be like Saint Benedict Joseph Labre. A crazy who loves God very much. 

Often I look at pictures of a girl named Danica. She posts pictures and videos of herself smoking cigarettes on Instragram. I used to know her and had a big crush on her. A penny for the world. I would rather have. A penny for the world. The interview is interesting. A little girl.

Tomorrow I am going to the indult Mass again. It is better than no Mass. A long time ago I was of the opinion that one should not go to the indult Mass but it was okay to go to the Eastern Rites. But now after four months of no Mass I am okay with the indult. They are compromised priests I guess. But as I think they are valid, Jesus is really there.

The Belle of My Heart. The interview. The interviewer is trying to square the circle of magesteriums. I do not know if it is true, but I once heard that the idea of the "magisterium" and the "ordinary magisterium" was invented by a supposedly conservative theologian who happened to have sexual affairs with nuns in the times of Pius IX. Brides of Christ. 

The times are fleeing. The interviewer is talking about Athanasius Schneider who he interviewed, that is high profile. And now he is asking about it. The priest is trying to defend themselves. Comparing Lefebvre to St Thomas More. The interviewer is sympathetic to the priest, talking about how the sodomites are all accepted but only the SSPX are reviled.

So the milk of Mary. I do not know. The Belle of My Heart. I do not know. To love her I know, but all I want is . . . .

After Mass today we ate. Mom and dad came, Mom went to Mass with me. On the way back to the car a crazy black woman started yelling at me. She said something like "Do you own the Duane Reade? Do you won the Walgreens. No! You ain't own nothing." Then she walked away. I had no idea what she was yelling at me about or why she was yelling.

Simeon

"Listen to me. It is in silence that I speak to souls. Those who flee silence will never hear my voice. Encourage silence and practice it yourself with a renewed dedication, for it is in silence that the Holy Spirit descends, and it is in silence that He works in souls, bringing them to holiness of life, and to the perfection that I desire for each one."

So I finished reading my book, In Sinu Jesu. It was a nice read. I will read it again. It was not the best book I have ever read. The main point of the book was that Jesus likes it when we go to pray before the Blessed Sacrament and that if more people do so with love, the Church will grow strong again. I wish there were more to it, a journal of around 260 pages, but it was comforting to read.

In these times of peace and of calamity I am feeling well for myself. Because of my family I have peace. Without them I would be sad. But none of them listen to me. I am the only believer (well my mother believes a somewhat but not as crazily as I do). Often I think to myself that I am alone. I am the only person I know who wants to love God, and everyone else in my life is a devil worshiper. And I am probably a devil worshiper myself, but am fooling myself. I don't know. But nobody listens to me.

I do not understand why the Novus Ordo exists. I wish it would be wiped off the face of the earth. It is like drinking poison that does not taste good. I consider it valid. But not in a good way. Valid as if a priest walked in to a bakery and pronounced the words of consecration over the bread there and then walked home. Some may say it must be good because it comes from the Church. I don't know. Perhaps Julian is right and it is just bread, or even the body of the devil.

"It's good to be inspired by the saints and by others. Sometimes it's good to imitate some of their actions or devotions. But you are not them, you are you. You are called to be holy in a way no one else is, even if certain things are similar."

This is a quote from a Catholic twitter personality. It reminds me of Saint Simeon Stylites who lived as a hermit atop a pillar and was later copied by other hermits. Imagine walking from one city to the next and seeing three Catholic hermits living on top of pillars, spending their lives in prayer and loving God until they were struck by lightning.

So am I fooling myself? Am I a fool. I want to be good. Am I beyond redemption? Is it too late? I know I have done bad. But am I beyond salvation? Am I alive? Or am I dead, being a corpse who only thinks he is alive, but is being animated by necromancy beyond all hope of redemption? Am I a zombie. I don't know. Cry? When crazy I remember I thought I was a vampire and that my parents had turned me into a vampire. Imagine thinking that while being schizo. I have crazy fits sometimes.

I was disappointed today (Saturday). I went to the local Church for Eucharistic Adoration, but it was not to be. Instead they had the vigil Novus Ordo, which I do not like. I must call the office to see when they have EA and benediction now which I love. I would be happy if I had a traditional Mass, daily, with benediction every night. But I am happy enough.

Today is Sunday (I started writing this yesterday) Went to the indult with mom. A high Mass. I saw some people I knew but did not speak to them today. Mom lit a lot of candles. I hope our SSPX Mass comes back soon in our little rented room.

I decided to stop praying the Rosary in Latin, and go on praying it in English. It seems more humble that way. I should be littler.

Just because I love her, this is my favorite Holy Card. Last year I printed out ten of them and gave them to friends from Church and my brother.

Dead Bird

It may have been a day or so after my brother found the dead baby bird in our garden.

My mother drove us to the grocery store and we were parked on the street. I got out of the car to go pay at the parking meter and I stepped on something. It was another dead baby bird, squished on the sidewalk. I took it to be an ill omen.

The quarantine is going well, but we are running out of money. My father is using my stipend to pay the bills. I will go shopping today. I will buy some rice for just in case. None of us have gotten any stimulus or unemployment money yet. When they do get it we will be better any I may even be reimbursed for some of the expenses I have covered. But I do not need the money.

My expenses, other than the food I buy for my family. Diet soda. I found an acceptable one for one dollar at the dollar store. Beer. This I have been drinking one or two times a week during the quarantine which has now gone on for more than forty days. So my expenses are low. But the bills are a killer. Yesterday I gave my parents money for one bill and the one bill was 240 dollars. And there are many. If they do not get their money we will not be able to pay any of the bills. But God will provide. And perhaps this quarantine will end soon. I do not mind it. It is nice having family with the dinner most nights, even though me and the girl are not comfortable around each other, or at least, I am not comfortable around her.

I have been watching Vespers from a monastery in Ireland, and sometimes Mass. It is according to the old rite, but I noticed two things that seemed odd when I was watching Mass yesterday. One of the monks in just a habit and no vestments read the epistle facing the people and the priest abbot read the gospel facing the people. All in Latin. I do not know why these practices are different from what I am used to, but the services were beautiful.

The weather is lovely and I am happy watching the birds when I go out. The sparrows and the mourning doves and the starlings. Even the pigeons, and the less common birds like the mockingbirds who sing for us and the robins who eat worms and the song birds.

I have seen some butterflies this spring, but not many yet. I love watching butterflies. And not many bees yet. there are a lot of flowers on our block so we get them in the summer time. Many years ago now we had a bee hive above the front door of our house in a hole where a lamp is. One day a bee stung my father. But then the bees went away. The hive died and ceased to exist except for in my memory. Why does memory matter? Who remembers those bees other than me and our family? Why does it matter if your children and your children's children remember you and think about you, and then after them you will be forgotten and never thought of again. Except in the mind of God?

I have a happy life now. I hope I do not fall int o despair! Or if I do fall into despair, I overcome it!

It is wonderful to wake up, say my prayers and then watch Vespers on the computer from Ireland at noon. It is calming to hear them chanting. My life is not hard as I do not work. My work is living with being an imbecile. Ah life. I vaguely remember when I was normal. I am happier now. But if I continued being normal, perhaps I could have had a normal life with a wife and some kids and then grandchildren. Alas. I am happy . . . for now. I try to love God. I think I do.

My beliefs are strange. I am a lonely wanderer. I am a Catholic of some sort. A traditionalist, I guess, meaning I prefer going to the old Latin Mass and services. But I am not a sedevacantist. I attend at an SSPX Mass normally. But I sometimes go to the indult Mass, though not regularly the Novus Ordo. But even though I do not like going to the Novus Ordo, I think it is valid and that Jesus is really there. So I like going to Eucharistic adoration even at Novus Ordo parishes. So my beliefs are strange. During the quarantine, I went to the indult parish in Manhattan for Eucharistic Adoration to sit quietly and pray and it was calming and serene. Karen would say not to go because there re devils there. Julian would say it is idolatry.

Pater Noster. Sed Libera Nos A Malo.

The girl is baking a cake. She is going to bake it, cut it in half and make two layers of frosting, one on the inside and one on top. Yellow cake with dark chocolate frosting. We are eating well. Perhaps soon we will have nothing but rice. I need to buy more rice.

Praying for people. But who am I to pray? Yet I pray for people. People I know. I hope to meet them again. Alone in a house unable to think normally, a nut, an imbecile, but I have family to take care of me and am happy. There is a girl I pray for, and then I pray for everyone. Everyone needs prayers. And I pray for myself. To God and to Mary and to Gemma and to Mary of Egypt and to the saints. I pray.

Pray for me, a sinner who needs prayers. Pray for me St. Moses the Black. Amen.

On Traditional Catholicism

I would consider myself to be a traditional Catholic. I have been in those circles since at first, 2008, when I started praying the Rosary and somehow found out about such things on the internet. The first time I went to an SSPX Mass was in 2008 or 2009. I went for a couple of months. Then I had my vision at Mass which instilled in me the fear of God. At the same time of my conversion I started to go crazy. After that I went to the Novus Ordo for about a year, afraid to go back to the Mass where I had my vision. And then in 2010, I believe the week after Easter, but my memory is horrible, I went back again. And I have been going there since.

My thoughts have changed over time. For a long time I was on the right of the traditional wagon, almost being a sedevacantist if you know what that means. I used to think that the Novus Ordo Church did not have true sacraments, as the changes invalidated them. And that only among tradition and in the Eastern Rites that did not change were the sacraments to be found (other than baptism and matrimony). Even among the sedevacantists there are degrees. The most interesting  ones are the home-aloners. They think that the Novus Ordo is not valid, but that also the traditional priests are not licit either as they are wolves and not shepherds and that the only way to serve God is to not go to Mass, stay home alone and pray the Rosary and read Holy Books. Now I am still a traditional Catholic, but a more moderate one. I now accept the Novus Ordo sacraments as valid, for the most part. But I still go to my SSPX Latin Mass as I think it is better than the Novus Ordo Mass which I do not like, but accept as valid. I guess what it comes down to is if 99.9 percent of the Church could have no Jesus, what kind of a Church is that? Or if the sedevacantists are right, the Church is a few thousand laymen and men with stolen orders who excommunicate themselves. I sometimes wonder if the reason some public sedevacantists are liberals on the dogma "Outside of the Catholic Church There is No Salvation" is because in their hearts they know that if they are correct the sedevacantist sect they belong to alone is the true Church, and not even all sedevacantists, the sect of maybe ten thousand people, and everyone else is going to hell. So not willing to accept the belief that only one in a million men are saved (not counting the baptized infants who die) they deny the dogma as being too harsh. So now I consider the sedes to be schismatic for the most part, though no doubt many of them are honest and not guilty of the sin of schism. And I do not trust the priests, but I should not say bad things about them individually (though I have said bad things about Father Cekada in the past).

So I attend an SSPX chapel which is a moderate traditional Catholic position. There is a group mis-named "the resistance" which split off from the SSPX about eight years ago, but has not grown and is very small and considers the regular SSPX to have sold out. I am sympathetic to them, and I like their Bishop, Williamson enough, but I say to them, the Novus Ordo has to be at least in part the Catholic Church, and if it is, and you accept the papacy of Francis, you should have some kind of relationship with them. If he says, "no, you can not say the Latin Mass", then I see reason to disobey, but one cannot be a sedevacantist in all but name, while claiming to be against them.

So I am a liberal now. But I am all alone by myself now. I used to never attend the Novus Ordo Mass or even the "indult" which is what we call the Latin Masses officially under the diocese. But now I will attend the "indult" if there is no other Mass available. And once in a blue moon I will even attend the Novus Ordo, but only to avoid scandal. Such as if there is no Mass available while I am traveling and it is either attend the Novus Ordo with my family or go to no Mass at all. In such cases I just sit there and pray silently. But I like going to the Novus Ordo Churches when there is no Mass going on to sit in front of the tabernacle and be with Jesus. And even in the Novus Ordo, I like going to Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction is nice. So I am now a moderate traditional Catholic. I hope that there are many Catholics among the Novus Ordo worshipers, though I know that a lot of them don't really believe. I hope there are good people among the worshipers there who believe the sex is for marriage and marriage is for life and Jesus is present in the Eucharist and that Adam and Eve were real people.

But recently for the first time I received the Blessed Sacrament at an "indult" Mass as a sign that I thought Jesus was there and of my new liberal stance.

Karen wants to go with me to Connecticut for Mass during this crisis as the closest SSPX Mass that is open. I may go. But Karen does not approve of going into Novus Ordo Churches. There are devils there, she says. So I don't tell her I go there to pray. I am alone. But it would be nice to go to Church again. It has only been a few weeks but it seems like months. I should go to confession to confess an old sin that I was thinking about which caused me nerves a few weeks ago. So be it.

Going To Church

Sunday is the best day of the week. I have a routine that I have been following. In the morning I wake up and I drink coffee. I have a few cups. Then I go to the subway. My Father drives me most of the time. I get on the train and go and go and go. I am never sure which train I will take and which line it will run on and if it will be going local or express but I can get there either way so I take whichever train comes first. When I get to the city sometimes I have to go to the bathroom because of the coffee and if I do I can go to the public restrooms at Bryant Park or at the Port Authority. When I get into the city I like to go to Holy Innocents for Vespers and Benediction. Vespers is in Latin and I do not read along in the little booklets that have the prayers in English. I just listen and I watch. And after Vespers they have a short little Benediction. I wish they would have Jesus Exposed all throughout Vespers but they do not. They just take Him out, say a few prayers and sing a little, do the blessing, and put Him back again right away. He is only exposed for a minute or two with no silence. But it is a blessing from Jesus. After that is over the people clear out and go home. I watch the servers come out from the sacristy in their street clothes and the priest in his cassock. Then I walk East a few blocks and go to the Church of Our Savior. I sit in the back or kneel and either read or say prayers in silence, depending on how my day is. When it is time I go to our little upper room for Mass. I get there on time for the rosary before Mass. Tom leads for fifteen decades and on Sundays that is my daily rosary and some times I go to confession. Then Church starts and it is so very beautiful. I try to go to Communion. When Mass is over I usually hang out and often talk to people. Most days we go get coffee and food afterwards and talk. And then I take the subway home. That is my day, the best day of the week.

The picture is the Church of Our Saviour.

So Yes, I Do Believe In Fortune Tellers And Sibyls.

Thinking about Communion. Just got back from Benediction. As you know I like going to benediction in the local Catholic Churches. It makes me think about Communion. I have gotten to be a liberal. I think the Novus Ordo does have Jesus. I used to think it did not. So I think Jesus is there and I go to Him.

But about the Masses, I don't know. Karen says they are valid but not licit. I still do not want to go to Novus Ordo Masses for the most part. To me it is still like a fraud and I wish it would go away forever soon and be replaced by the Old Mass once again. But that leaves the indult. As I mentioned before, I went to an indult Mass said by Cardinal Zen on Saturday. It was beautiful. Barbara also went but I did not see her. For the first time since my conversion (in full), I went to Communion at an indult Mass. They had taken the altar rail away but we all knelt by the steps and received on the tongue. But I contemplated it during Mass and came to the conclusion that I was in communion with Cardinal Zen so, I went up to receive Jesus as a sign of that Communion. If I believe Jesus is really there, and it is not a Novus Ordo Mass, I figured I could go to Communion. Cardinal Zen may even be some sort of hero, as a leader of the Chinese Church.

So be it. I guess I do not want to think Jesus has abandoned the Church and there are over a billion Catholics who do not have the sacraments while a few hundred thousand only have the sacraments and can be saved. I do firmly believe it is better to go to the Old Mass, and if one has no Latin Mass to go to, I might even recommend staying home, and I still go there to the little mission I have always gone to but my thinking is a little wider so to speak. I consider Lifeboat Louis to be a good Catholic.

Do you know who lifeboat Louis is? I am not sure if he is still alive. He lived on a boat and protests abortion. He is a devout Catholic and looks like a homeless man, old and white-bearded. And when I last saw him he used to wear tee-shirts with Catholic pictures on them, I remember him wearing the Divine Mercy image. The tee-shirt was dirty, but he did not smell. He goes to all different kinds of Catholic Churches, and once he came to our little SSPX mission and received Communion there which is a statement. I met him the first time I was invited out for coffee after Mass. Out of nowhere, this old man who was not at Mass came up to us and sat down and started talking to me. He had pictures he drew, one of a boat and one of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and he gave me prayers and pro-life articles. I don't know how he knew we were there eating after Mass, and how he knew we were Catholics and would be interested in his company. We only ate there a couple of times. He did not come to Mass with us. I guess it was providence. Louis was arrested many times for his pro-life work and he was a good man. I still have the things he gave me in a binder. Sometimes I look at his pictures. The New York Times wrote an article about him a few years ago. I would like to see him again and talk to him.

Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in the world. I am happy. I pray to God. But I do not have many friends who are like me. My beliefs are strange. I do have Julian. He is the closest I have to a friend. But we do not believe all of the same things. But we are close. And next I would count Karen. She is like me, but again we do not believe all the same things. I do not tell either of them that I go to Novus Ordo Churches to pray with Jesus. Julian would say Jesus is not there and Karen would say that if you go there the devils get you. I do not think the devils are getting me. I am with Jesus. But I feel alone with God.

Do you really hate television like I hate television? I can't stand it. I stopped watching regularly twenty years ago and now in my peace I cannot stand it. Everything on it is in my mind either stupid or wicked. I really do think it is the devil's tabernacle. A funny thing one of the mystics said was that in the end times everyone will have a little box in their houses that they sit in front of and that the devil talks to them through the little boxes. That is television. My parents watch television and when they do I get upset. I want to kick the television until it breaks like in that German movie. You know the one. But I do not because it is not my house. Sometimes I yell. Especially when they watch the news. My parents watch the liberal news shows while I am conservative, in a different way, not the common Libertarian way or the Neo-con way. I just see everyone as satan's minions, including my parents. Satan's minions who are addicted to the devil's tabernacle. I am crazy, yes I know. But I do not understand why so many people are so stupid or wicked that they watch television. I guess there are some good shows. When I was younger I liked certain foreign movies, the kind that were usually not on television. But overall it was mostly trash to me.

Are there some sins that are so great that they are beyond the power of absolution? I think of this. The common opinion is that with repentance and confession any sin can be forgiven. But there are also opinions of some saints that for certain people, they have gone too far and cannot be forgiven. Perhaps, since repentance is itself a grace from God, for certain people God will not grant them repentance. So it would mean that if you are sorry for your sins and ask God's forgiveness, it is a sign that you are not among the already damned. But what about Voltaire? I am not afraid anymore. I feel peace and comfort.

About Eucharistic Adoration. I spoke of my new habit (it was new in August) of visiting Novus Ordo Churches for Eucharistic Adoration on Cathinfo and someone responded that they used to do that and they thought that they had reached a high level of prayer, the unitive way with Jesus and that it was very different from the illuninative way but now he no longer goes and he has fallen lower in the spiritual life. And I asked him why he does not go back and continue to pray there. He never responded. But I am happy going there. I would that I could go there and look at Jesus's heart every day. I am an honest man. I am not trying to deceive anyone. I do not speak of everything, but I do not lie to people. One thing that troubles me is the idea that people receive Communion sacrilegiously. I know that there are a lot of people who go to Church who do not believe or do not go to confession, but they still receive Jesus in the Eucharist. This only heaps coals of torment upon the soul and tortures Jesus, yet they still go. If I were the devil I would not want to make the Masses invalid. I would want them to be valid, but have nobody truly believe or be repentant but always receive Communion so all of the souls commit greater sins and are punished more harshly in hell. So that speaks to my belief that Jesus is really there. He is there and the heartless bastards, along with those who do not know any better, are torturing him. Not only does he go through the torture of Calvary at every Mass, but in every individual sacrilegious Communion he is tortured individually and the suffering he endures in each blackened soul is greater than the sufferings of all the damned in hell. Who knows, perhaps I am among those who torture Jesus. Honestly, I do not think I am, and I hope and pray that I am not.

What does Holy Communion give you, if you receive it in a state of mortal sin? All it does is make you suffer more in hell and it makes your heart more like a stone and less like flesh. Do you so want to torment Jesus that you will do so even at the cost of more torment for yourself? And if you do not believe, what is the point of going up there to eat a little bit of bread as an unbeliever? And in the hand? People speak of those like Joe Biden, but most of those who receive are no better than him and in their dirty grubby hands. I have the idea that when I die they should have a requiem Mass and the priest will not give out Communion to avoid the abominable sacrilege. I think I try to be an honest man. I have secrets, yes, but I try not to lie to myself or to you or to Jesus. I feel alone. Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor, Lavabis me, et super nivem dealbabor. I am feeling like a Jansenist today I guess.

I do feel alone. I was speaking to Karen and saying how we have a big city and only about thirty people come to our little chapel for Mass and if you count all of the traditional Masses, there are still not a lot of people. There are not a lot of us. But there are good people I think who go to the New Mass also, though I imagine the percentage of the good is lower there.

I know when I go to the local Novus Ordo Church, the one near my house is open all day, but few people go there to pray or to visit Jesus, other than me. There is a man and a woman who come together and pray some prayers together for a few minutes, and the men who work there, and sometimes one of the priests walks by, but there are as many homeless men who are there to stay warm in the winter than there are people to pray, except during Eucharistic Adoration. There was one homeless man who prayed and he knelt down before Jesus in the tabernacle in the most profound way.

So are there some sins too great to be forgiven? What if one worshiped Satan as a witch and sold one's soul to the devil, could one then be forgiven? Karen said she knew people who made deals with the devil and they are beyond prayer so she does not pray for them. I hope they can be forgiven, though I imagine they would need exorcisms. I know a little about devils as a hyper-religious schizo who believes his condition is caused as much by the influence of demons as by bad luck that runs in the family. I really wish I remembered the visit of the chaplain when he said an exorcism over me and gave me a New Testament with the Psalms in Spanish. I was supposed to contact him after I got out and his contact info may have been in the Bible, but they stole the Bible from me and I lost it so I did not talk to him again. I was supposed to pray two psalms. I wonder if he thinks about me ever. 

But sometimes I think nearly everyone is a devil. Including you, dear reader. Are you a devil? But no, it is better to think everyone is a mere sinner, as I am. I often think that you can tell whether or not a man was good just by looking at him. A sinner's face becomes distorted over time, and a good man's face becomes holy-looking. A trained eye can tell just by looking at him. I believe Prof. Plinio claimed to be able to do this, to be able to tell the state of a man's soul by looking into his eyes. I do not know how to judge this, but it is something to think about.

But in this. I imagine there are a lot of people who can do this. Especially wicked people. They gain powers from the demons. They can tell the future to a degree. But I do not know their secrets from experience. I just have my crazy ideas. A girl did once try to predict my future using tarot cards. She said I would meet a new woman in my life but she did not give me details.

So yes, I do believe in fortune tellers and sibyls. They do have power. And the apothecary can give you a potion to cause a boy to fall in love with you. But there is a price. What is the price? But how do I hate television! So much. So much. I am glad I am not forced to watch it, but it grieves me that my family does watch it. Every time they turn on that television they are selling their soul to the devil one more time for a little comfort. Like a cigarette with smoke from the fires of hell. Ten thousand times already? What would one more matter? One more time my love. Things fall apart. 

But thank you for reading my blog. This was a long and strange one. I hope it makes your day a little better. A little better without television.

Lepanto Conference

https://rorate-caeli.blogspot.com/2020/01/events-third-annual-lepanto-conference.html

I might go to this. I have never been to anything like it in my life. I told some people at Church about it and I did not get an answer if any of them were going. But perhaps if I went I could meet new people. And a Latin Mass said by a Cardinal (and one of the more conservative ones) though Julian would probably say he is not even a real priest. Would there be nice people there? I don't know, but I am kind of a hermit with few friends. I don't have many events in my life (but going to Church for the Latin Mass is wonderful and the best part of my week). And this is an event with going to Church so it may be wonderful. I will tell people about it on Sunday and see if anyone wants to go. I have never been to an ecumenical meeting among traditionalists, though. Would they consider me a schismatic and shun me? Or maybe this event is made for rich people, though the suggested donation is only ten dollars. Last year seven hundred people came for the Mass. There will be good singing as it will be the highest of all the high Masses I have ever attended. As a Cardinal, only the Mass of a Pope would be higher and there haven't been any Latin Masses by Popes since the Novus Ordo replaced the Old Mass fifty years ago. Too bad I don't have a date to bring as I am always alone.

Michael

I love my brother Michael but I do not understand. Who is he? Is he really a person?

I bought a salami. Julian wanted a salami sandwich. So I bought a salami for him. I wanted to visit him today, but he told me that he had to go to dialysis today so I could not visit him. So I went to Church to pray instead. I can do that often. The Church is a block and a half away from my home. It is never crowded in the middle of the day. Other people have to work or don't care to visit God when they are free. Sometimes homeless people are there, but not always. Usually it is me alone before the tabernacle. I wonder what if Jesus is not really there because Julian is right and the Novus Ordo does not have true sacraments? Would that make it bad to go there? They say that wherever a priest says Mass even one time, the angels go to visit and worship God there until the end of time. So even if a Church goes out of use, the angels remain there and it is holy ground. So even then, perhaps it is good to go there and be with the holy angels and worship God there as the Church is older than 1969 and was the scene of countless valid Masses.

About how to be a good person. I think it is  most important to be chaste. I do not know the right words. But to not commit sexual sins. One should not masturbate or fornicate or adultery or sodomy. One has to control one's base passions. And if one is married one must have relations so as to have children. It is important not just to not do these things, but to not want to do these things, and to not even think of these things with desire or longing. To not be an addict to one's passions. One should want to be innocent like a young uncorrupted child. Teach a boy to masturbate and he will cease to pray. One must look up to God like he is truly your father and that he loves you and cares for you and that you love him in return. And that no matter what happens, even if the most evil things happen to you, in the end you will be happy with him forever if you remain faithful to him and love him. A child of grace. If one merely does not do bad things, but one wants to do bad things, and would do them if they were not punished by God, would one be good? Or merely afraid of punishment?

The more I have quiet, the more and more I despise nearly all entertainment. My father was listening to old pop songs and I was disgusted and thought to myself, people listen to music all day, every day, and even in the fifties is was just as bad; all it is is propaganda exalting fornication. Sweet little sixteen. To think that people allowed this and listened to this in their homes for generations. Their children. And people try to say we were moral and good back then? It makes me think everyone is a devil and they all deserve the moral and social decay that has happened in the past few decades. It really is very perverse. I think of Churches having mixed dances playing sexualized music to teenagers with the priests as impotent chaperones, some perhaps knowing that they are complicit in the damnation of those young souls, but they did nothing to object. I can no longer watch television or movies or other such things. Nearly everyone I see is a pervert. Even the conservative voices are often perverts. I read some conservative content and listen to some conservative talks on the computer and sometimes I am shocked by them. It makes me want to be alone, or just remain in Church all day looking at Jesus. But then I think at some Churches the priests are perverts also like was reported in the Post. So even if I do have Jesus in the tabernacle or in the monstrance, He was brought down here to earth by the hands of a sexual deviant. But perhaps Julian is right and Jesus is no longer there. As in the Eagles' song, "We haven't had that Spirit here since nine-teen sixty-nine".

I do not know. I do not understand.

So chastity is the most important virtue for me. I am sure that I am wrong. But I see it is tied up in innocence, and innocence is what we all should be. Innocence born or innocence regained. As like unto little children. There is a wonderful story about the parents of the little flower. After their marriage, perhaps a year later, her dear mother was sad because she was not pregnant yet and she spoke to someone about how she wanted to be with child but was not even though she had prayed for a child ceaselessly. In the course of the conversation it was discovered that neither she nor her husband knew what sex was and that that was the way one became pregnant. She just thought that if one was married and prayed for a child, God would grant it and the wife would become pregnant. After this discovery was made they were surprised and asked their priest if it would be better to remain in a Josephite marriage or to have children. And the priest told them to have as many children as God sends to be a good example to the other Catholics. In the world I want to live in everyone would be like those parents. Not that I am angry at God creating a world with sin, but I imagine what it would be like if there were less sin in it than there is.

I have heard one traditional Catholic priest who came across this same thing, so it exists today. He married a man and a woman and they did not have a child and the priest found out later that they did not know what sex was. So he told them. And they were so repulsed by the idea that they decided not to have sex and to not have their own children, but to adopt instead. Ever after this priest, just to make sure they knew, would instruct the couples he was to marry about what sex was to make sure that they knew. So people are innocent even today.

I am a lucky person. I have family that takes care of me. Without them life would be hard and I would lose hope. My mind is just not fully functional anymore. I hope they live longer and that I remain safe after my parents leave me, or that I leave them before they leave me.

I kind of wish I still went to AA meetings. It was nice to hear people talk as if they were friends. But it was too cultish for me. But I wish there were similar meetings where people talked, perhaps a Church group or something, however a Church group would be odd because of my peculiar religious beliefs.

Julian wouldn't like the priest we had say Mass for us on Sunday. He was too liberal on EENS for him (or for me). He was talking about protestants being saved without conversion to Catholicism. It used to be the "invincibly ignorant" and now it is any of them who are nice.

I was reading Rod Dreher for some reason and he was talking about sexual depravity as a result of having power over others. Not only among Catholic priests as he often talks about, but in the culture in general. It seems as a race we are so deprived that power leads to rape for many people, inexorably. I find sexuality so ugly honestly, even consensual. But the thought of the things many of those people do makes me almost wish for damnation. And I used to do wicked things myself before I became religious, so I know a little about depravity. Now I only want to be innocent. To be virtuous. But I am weak. I am not courageous. I am not a fighter. I would like to be a monk or a hermit and have a quiet life of silence.

It is new year's eve. Tomorrow is the beginning of year 7218 since creation if my math is correct. However there are different schools of thought on this apparently. I promised my parents I wouldn't have beer. I have to decide if I want diet soda. I am thinking yes, as a form of celebration.

I am not a good hermit. Robert would not like that I do eat meat. I could easily do without, but I eat at the same table as my parents who would not do without meat so I simply eat what I make them (I do not think eating meat is a sin). And I eat a little too much and drink a lot of coffee and diet soda. I would have to cut down on the meat and eat less and drink less. If I went back to my diet of rice and lentils with an egg with a little oatmeal and some bread and one cup of coffee I would be a better hermit. Since I got out of the hospital I have been a glutton, I admit. I pray a lot, but I also eat and drink and do not fast. Hopefully I will fast well for Lent. But my will power has decreased from what it used to be. I do not get bored or worry or get depressed often lately, but I have my sins.

So happy New Year. Julian and Karen wouldn't like it but I plan on going to Holy Innocents tomorrow for Mass. I should see people I know there and perhaps we can get coffee. 10:30 AM High Mass. I do not think it is invalid, but I don't know about receiving Communion. Would that be wrong if Jesus is really there? I know some SSPX priests oppose even going to the indult, but they do not say it is a sin, even to those who receive Communion there as many people do. But I just want to worship Jesus and talk to friends. So happy New Year. Hopefully next year I will be a better hermit.

Karen

Had a good talk with Karen. We talked about the devil. We both have the same diagnosis. She gets visits from God and the devil. I said it is hard to know when the devil comes and when God comes so you have to question everything and pray about it. You don't want to be lead by the wrong spirit.

Terry was talking about girls. He was saying how girls think they are hot stuff and are full of themselves because of social media. I said, well you've got to find a girl in Church. And he said the girls in Church are the same. And I said well if you can't find a girl in the world or a girl in Church, where will you find a girl? God will find one. Well he is new to our chapel, he mostly knows Holy Innocents. He said Marie Therese is nice. She is a Holy Innocents girl. I wonder what he would think about the lovely Helena, her sister, and the beautiful Cecilia. I imagine the best of people I know from Church. But I told him that God has a perfect girl for you, but the devil also has a perfect girl for you and you have to be careful because sometimes you can not tell them apart. And Terry and Barbara thought that was profound and nobody ever said that to either of them before. Is it an original thought? I don't think so. So I told them I already met the devil's perfect girl for me but I did not know who God's perfect girl for me is. I would say Gemma because she is. But she is not a girl for me, she is a saint who died in 1903. But she is perfect for me. For some reason I think about girls even though I am too old and unable to marry because of my condition. I want what I can not have I guess.

Solemn High Mass

Tonight the priest from Saint Josaphat parish in Bayside said Mass at my local Church. I went with mom and dad. The choir and servers came over. It was a Solemn High Mass. I was not used to it because I have only been to a few High Masses in my life. I prefer the Low Mass I am used to but the singing was nice. It was a mixed choir with an organist. The priest talked about the altar rail and kneeling for Communion and how there would be no Communion in the hand. My father complained about the priest facing towards the altar and not the people and how he was mumbling and that nobody knew what was going on. And I said if you are used to it you know what was going on. And he admitted he knew what was going on when he has been to only a few Latin Masses in the last fifty years, though he missed the Pater Noster. People are not idiots.

They had little paper Missals with the prayers in it for the laity, though I was not used to the choir. It was a pleasant experience. I have had dreams of attending a Latin Mass at my local parish and now I did for the first time in waking life. People at my SSPX chapel talk about Saint Josaphat sometimes. They say how it is trying to be the Holy Innocents of the Diocese of Brooklyn with the Latin Mass every Sunday.

Tonight there were two altars. The Novus Ordo altar was in the front covered with purple and the high altar with little decoration was against the wall with six candles and the tabernacle and altar cards. I am glad to have been. The singing was beautiful.

Matthew