Merry Christmas

 Today is Christmas Day. Went to Church. Mass was in a new location in Soho. As we do not have a real Church, but have Mass in a rented room. There were only about ten people. I think some did not know where it was. The smallest crowd I have ever seen there. But some people moved away. I was wondering where the lovely Helena and her sister Olivia have been as we haven't seen them in a while. They may be home from school. We did not have the normal vestments or chalice or crucifix or all the holy things. Father brought a travelling Mass kit with him to say Mass. We tried to sing the Alma Redemptoris Mater. At first we had trouble, but then after we got going we did a decent job. I remember most of the melody but not the words. So Tom had it written down and we were able to sing it. I don't know why we all know the Salve Regina, but not the other Marian songs.

Now Mom is cooking dinner. I am helping. We are having a turkey. Then we will open our presents.

A Visit From Jesus At Home

Today Father S came to visit Julian and then he came to visit me. He brought in the Blessed Sacrament and put Him on a table with a white cloth he had me prepare. Then he said some prayers and had me say the Confiteor. Then he heard my confession. And then he absolved me. And then he gave me Communion. He broke the host in half because he had to visit another person after me. It was nice. He also blessed some medals and my picture of the Sorrowful Mother.

We talked. He said our living room and dining room combined were about the same size as the place where we used to have Mass in the city (and hopefully will again). They are looking for a new place and hoping for an end or an easing of the virus lockdown so we could have Mass again. He said that maybe we could have Mass at our house. I said I would like that, but not sure about mom and dad. They always used to make fun of my uncle George for having an obscure Russian Orthodox Church in his basement. It would be cool if we had a traditionalist Mass in our living room. But this is not likely. What is likely is that I had Jesus again from my priest. I gave him a donation.

When I go to the indult Mass in the city it just doesn't feel right. Now I think Jesus is also there, just that I have doubts about the priests' orthodoxy and traditionalism, which is why my preferences lie the way they do.

Some people think all Novus Ordo priests ordained in the New Rite are invalid so they avoid them. I do not go to them for confession, but lately I am willing to assume they are valid and receive the Sacraments there out of necessity. But Some people I know are going to the "resistance" chapel up north because of doubts about the validity of one of the priests in Ridgefield. People do not agree. And not only sedes. For a while, though I was never really a sede, I held some of their opinions like that the Novus Ordo did not have true Sacraments. But now I do not. Though I would completely understand refusing to receive the Sacraments from Novus Ordo priests out of the principle on not wanting anything to do with the new "springtime of Vatican II." Blessed be God.

A Gift

 As I left the house there was a pretty group of birds by the street. Sparrows and mourning doves. And as I went out there she was, a beautiful black swallowtail butterfly flopping around among our neighbors' flowers. So pretty. A lovely introduction to the day. It was a sign that the Blessed Mother loves me and us. A gift.

Brown Scapular Sighting

I went to the bank to deposit money in my mother's bank account. As I opened the door to go in a brown skinned man walked by and his shirt was not buttoned all the way up and I saw that he was wearing a white Rosary around his neck and a Brown Scapular. I Thought that was neat.

On my first walk this morning on the avenue I walked by a gray stray cat. The cat was just sitting there and she let me walk up to her. She was occupied eating grass. I did not know cat's ate grass.

Looking out the window a starling flew from inside our house (they have a nest there, below the gutter) to the electric wire that runs to the pole in the back. The starling pooed out white poop which fell to the ground, and then another bird flew up and started wrestling with the starling. I could not tell what kind of bird this was, I thought maybe a mourning dove. The two birds fell down out of sight and I did not see them again.

Father Pfeiffer is a Bishop now. In Kentucky. If you know who he is. He was just consecrated by a Thuc line Bishop named Webster. I went to his Masses four times. Twice under the SSPX and twice after he left. Now he is in Kentucky as the leader of what many regard as a cult. I believe he is a dogmatic geocenrist, but he opposes the flat earth movement.

As of now, Saturday evening, the moon is almost full. Father drove us to Bay Shore. While parked, I was waiting in the car when I saw a gaggle of crows. They cried out, two fought with each other. On telephone wires and old buildings. Birds of ill omens. Heart Shaped Box.

A Woman

I find it is easier for me as a man to love a woman than to love a man. So I find it more natural to love Mother Mary than to love Jesus. Or even to love a lesser creature, my Gemma. I love Jesus also, but I do not feel it as much. As much as I love Our Mother or my Gemma.

This is a strange picture that I really like. It is so very strange, but I like strange things. It reminds me of The Glories of Mary. I just finished talking with Julian a few minutes ago. My best friend. He is sad because he lost his favorite aide at the nursing home. Her name is Latoya.

I am listening to an interview with a very young priest of the SSPX who is about to become the District Superior of Canada. It just started. I hope it is good. It is how I am spending my evening tonight. He looks younger than me. But he went through schooling. Right now they are going into Baptism of Desire type ideas in relation to separated brethren and partial communion.

I lately have been praying more. I should pray even more. I love praying. But I might get tired of it if I did it too much. I have vague wishes that I were a monk. Something which is not possible because of my infirmities. But I would love to be a brother in some little monastery somewhere where they prayed the old office and Mass. There are not a lot of them so they can be picky. No crazies. I can be like Saint Benedict Joseph Labre. A crazy who loves God very much. 

Often I look at pictures of a girl named Danica. She posts pictures and videos of herself smoking cigarettes on Instragram. I used to know her and had a big crush on her. A penny for the world. I would rather have. A penny for the world. The interview is interesting. A little girl.

Tomorrow I am going to the indult Mass again. It is better than no Mass. A long time ago I was of the opinion that one should not go to the indult Mass but it was okay to go to the Eastern Rites. But now after four months of no Mass I am okay with the indult. They are compromised priests I guess. But as I think they are valid, Jesus is really there.

The Belle of My Heart. The interview. The interviewer is trying to square the circle of magesteriums. I do not know if it is true, but I once heard that the idea of the "magisterium" and the "ordinary magisterium" was invented by a supposedly conservative theologian who happened to have sexual affairs with nuns in the times of Pius IX. Brides of Christ. 

The times are fleeing. The interviewer is talking about Athanasius Schneider who he interviewed, that is high profile. And now he is asking about it. The priest is trying to defend themselves. Comparing Lefebvre to St Thomas More. The interviewer is sympathetic to the priest, talking about how the sodomites are all accepted but only the SSPX are reviled.

So the milk of Mary. I do not know. The Belle of My Heart. I do not know. To love her I know, but all I want is . . . .

After Mass today we ate. Mom and dad came, Mom went to Mass with me. On the way back to the car a crazy black woman started yelling at me. She said something like "Do you own the Duane Reade? Do you won the Walgreens. No! You ain't own nothing." Then she walked away. I had no idea what she was yelling at me about or why she was yelling.

Pop Music

So dad and mom and I went to visit Michael in Philly. Dad drove there. There was one bad thing. On the trip down and then again back up my Father was playing pop music. Mostly the 50s and 60 stations on the satellite radio. Especially since I got out of the hospital I hate pop music. It is the devil's music. In my mind pop culture, especially TV and music is of the devil almost completely. The point of it is to turn all the youth into sodomites, fornicators, and onanists. And the destruction it has left in its wake is unprecedented. And of course the Church put up no defense against the onslaught, instead going along with it, giving a hundred million Catholics over to the devil for fear of seeming reactionary, or else because they were also devils. They even held dances with this filth being played while the youth got together and got drunk, high, and fornicated. And went to confession in the morning without true repentance, followed by sacrilegious communions. I don't know, but it makes my skin crawl to hear it. There and back. I did not speak up, ad my father would get angry. When I go out with my mother I play the classical music station or turn off the radio. At least that does not have sinful lyrics about lusting after young girls.

But we got to see Michael. He wants to make pop music. Alas.

I spoke to my therapist today. We had a nice conversation, but nothing important was discussed. Just a routine session. I like talking to her and she helps me.

So I hate pop music like most media. Of the devil, but nobody cares. So I speak to myself, everyone is a devil. And no one takes me seriously. i hope I am good and that one day I get to go to heaven. But I fear if I do get there I will be alone. I don't think a lot of people from my generation and especially my parents generation will be saved. And if I am saved, that would be a neat miracle.

At my local Novus Ordo Church, something interesting is going on. The last two times I went there to pray before the tabernacle, they had four Prie Dieus set up where there used to be an altar rail. I can only presume that the priest there is encouraging Communion to be taken while kneeling, on the tongue. I know the administrator knows how to say the Latin Mass and likes to celebrate Mass Ad Orientem. So our parish is bacoming one of the conservative ones. I hope they will have more Latin Masses soon. I attneded one in the parish, only one. And after the fact I learned that there were others.

I have to say that there has to be a Church somewhere until the end of time.

Rainbow

"Love My Mother, love My Mother more and more. You will never approach the love of My own Heart for her by yourself, but I, by My free gift, can and will unite you to the love of My Sacred Heart for her. Thus will you come to experience the ineffable union of our two hearts in your own heart."

I saw the most beautiful rainbow tonight as I went out to buy a bottle of soda from the store. A sign of the covenant with Noah. Was able to go to Church today. Holy Innocents for high Mass. I am still waiting on St. Christopher's where I would prefer to go but they are not yet having Mass there. It is not even in a regular Church building, but in a rented hall where they have an altar on a table and some chairs.

I see the rainbow as a sign of God. That he is happy with me and that this week, as I was able to go to Mass for the first time in months, and receive Jesus into my heart while for the longest time I could only visit him in His house in the tabernacle, and on Saturdays look into His Heart but never receive Him into my soul. It was happy to look at Him. For some reason, I am happier looking at Him with my eyes, even than when I receive Him into my heart. I do not know why this is. Maybe it is because I am too worldly. But the rainbow was a sign that God is happy with me and that I do good to do what I am doing, though it is different than what I was doing before I was hospitalized last year in July. I am doing good and am happy.

"Spend less time at the computer and more time in My presence. I wait for you here. I long to see you before Me."

"When a priest approaches My altar laden with sins that have not been confessed or for which he has not repented, My angels look on in horror, My Mother grieves, and I am again wounded in My hands and My feet, and in My Heart. I am again struck on My mouth and treated with a terrible ignominy."