Betrothal

I witnessed something new today, something I did not know about. A young man and woman, both of whom sing in the mixed choir that we have had often for the past few months, and neither of whose names I remember, are going to get married. And after Mass today they were betrothed. The priest went through a little ceremony and blessed them. Nothing was announced about this beforehand, though the priest did announce the Blessed Sacrament would be on the altar after Mass because he was making a sick call, it just happened after Mass. The man, the woman, the Lovely Helena and her sister Olivia had little cards with the prayers on them and Father blessed them.

A betrothal is a promise to get married, more solemn than an engagement. I do not know what the consequences of breaking the betrothal are, perhaps it is considered a sin without grave reason, while a normal engagement can be broken off with less reason.

The beautiful Cecilia is so very beautiful. I am afraid of her. Today she was wearing a dark red velvet dress, feminine and modest enough, but gorgeous. It is hard not looking at her. She has chestnut brown hair which she wears down long and curled at the ends. After Mass today I was distracted and wanted to just look at her beauty. I did not, I only glanced at her a few times. Father made a sick call so the Blessed Sacrament was on the altar for a while after Mass, a long while, as we all kneeled, I sat, and prayed.

When Mass is over and they blow out the candles, the beautiful Cecilia helps take down the altar and put the things away and when she does I admit I like to wait and look at her moving from side to side as she does not notice me. Angry Tom once saw me looking at the beautiful Cecilia as she was walking away and he asked me why I don't go after her. I once told him that I was afraid if her and he asked why and I said because she was so very beautiful.

We have a new refugee coming to Mass. A pious older black woman who held a crucifix with a St. Benedict Medal on it and prayed throughout Mass. I said hello to her. She comes from Our Lady of La Salette. She had the article I read from the Queens Chronicle and after reading it she no longer wants to go there because of the scandal. I would expect more people to come as we are in the same city, and as far as theology is concerned we are the closest to them in the area. But so far she is the only one. I went there once for Ash Wednesday. I just hope what supposedly happened there is not common.

But the beautiful Cecilia is so very beautiful. I wonder what kind of person she is. If she is pious and chaste and not a hypocrite she would be so very beautiful as to be extraordinary. What is she doing here with us grievous sinners in the city of Sodom? She should be in the country married with children far away from the flood of sins that surrounds us here. But if I was not broken and had a decent job and I was young I would want to marry Cecilia, but I would be afraid to ever talk to her as I am now. I would think that she was too good for me, even if I were young and not mentally crippled, But now I can see her at Mass gracefully gliding back and forth or sitting or kneeling quietly. I do not even know the color of her eyes. I have seen them for a moment at a time, but I have never stared into them out of fear, so I forget the color. Were they olive green or brown or grey? They were not blue. Beauty and youth. I hope they are green like my own eyes are green.

I am liking my new routine of going in to the city early to pray on Sunday. Mass now is not until 5 PM. I saw most of vespers at Holy Innocents and then I went to Our Saviour and then to the upper room for Mass. I said all my prayers. I even got to be blessed at benediction. It was an ideal day and I hope to make it the model of every Sunday. Some may think it bad to go to other Churches that are not traditional, but I think it is fine now because I think they are valid and Jesus is really there. I do not go to the Novus Ordo for Mass, but I can look at Jesus and say prayers there without affirming the goodness of the Novus Ordo. Even angry Tom goes there and he is a sedevacantist, so it should be fine for me as well. I am content.

Even though I try to be chaste and not a pervert, I can not get over my love for women. The attraction is still there even though I am older. I admire beauty even though I do not want to sin over it anymore.