What makes you happy? Do you have happiness or only relief? When I was younger I never had happiness, but I only had relief. I feel more happiness now. I feel happy. I have no troubles in the immediate present. I have no great things, but I am content. I am taken care of. I will never amount to anything but in my own little world I am happy.
Everything in my life used to be a series of addictions. But now I am getting better. I am trying not to eat again to take over that impulse. I want to have no masters and get to the point where I could voluntarily starve myself to death and refuse food even to the point of death. Not that I ever would kill myself. But to be as much of a master over my self as I can be. Of course God is my master. Even the wicked have God as their master as the devil is a slave of God though unwilling.
So I am fasting again. For real. As I did before. So if it goes well I will be losing weight again. It will make me happier if it is as it was before.
I am looking forward to a book I will be buying from Angelus Press. A bunch of different stations of the cross. I started praying them every day. It is good for me. I go to Church and pray. I try not to be noticed. But I have a nosy neighbor who is always watching me. I like her but I feel odd around her. She knows I like to pray. She talks to me about it. She asked me why I don't have a girlfriend. I told her I am looking for one, which is kind of true, but I know is very unlikely. I told her it was hard to find one and she said really? And I said, a good one.
A good one.
I do not have very strong passions any more. I think it is good. I am getting older.
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Crows
Walking back from St. Benny's I saw many birds. They looked like crows with dark brown chests. There were a hundred of them eating, flying, sitting in the trees. I watched them for a few minutes. So many birds.
Wednesday, October 16, 2019
Into the Sea
One of my refrains is "into the sea." It is something I say.
I do like going to Church. There are people there. They seem like nice folk who are good and pray.
I do try to be good. But I talk to myself too much. And sometimes I say not-nice things. I do not get angry or upset or bitter or hateful. But I say strange things and sometimes bad things. I guess it is a vice. I started to slap myself in the face whenever I talked to myself, whether good or bad. Thoughts are alright, but speaking out loud seems wrong. But my mother saw me slapping my face and told me to stop doing that. So then I started saying a Hail Mary whenever I talked to myself. I remember the late Father Gruner advising a man who couldn't stop blaspheming to say a Hail Mary whenever he blasphemed and his habit ended quickly. I am doing the same. I do not think it is a sin, because it just comes out of me without any thought. A sign of a wicked heart. I guess I do not have a pure heart.
I am working on it. I am trying. I have been trying especially since I got out of the hospital. Trying to be pure. Praying more. Not listening to rock and roll music. I have found classical music to be superior as music anyway. Not just 1451451454545 over and over again. But I think it would be thought to be wicked in its own time anyway, just not as bad as the wicked music of today. Opera especially.
Into the sea. I am a different person than I was when I just got out of the hospital. The medicine effects me. It suppresses my imagination and deadens my strange ideas. And I have problems thinking. I have less energy also. But I do trust in God and feel like I am in a good state.
I went to confession on Sunday. I had little to confess. Once a month, he said. So I told my failings like talking to myself. I don't know when frequent confession became common. I heard once that in the early Church Catholics were only allowed to go to confession one time in their life plus on their deathbed. So if they ever committed a second mortal sin they would have to do penance for the rest of their lives, stay outside the Church and beg for prayers from the good Christians for the rest of their lives and hope that they do not die suddenly so that a priest could reach them before they die. Now we go every week and confess little sins and not just big ones. Also, they used to give real penances, like seven years of fasting for one mortal sin. Such things inspire awe. Now one receives a penance like pray one rosary for something like fornication. The penance is so slight compared to the sin that it makes the sacrament almost seem like a joke. Is that what one could call penance?
Into the sea. I will go into the sea.
My fasting is not going well. I eat too much. I do not think it is a sin, the amount I eat, but it is not penitential so I am failing on what I intended to do. I wanted to fast for forty days but every day I eat and eat and eat. It is like the devil is tempting me and since I see it as slight, for it is not Lent, I give in. I give in almost every day. I still pray, but I do not fast.
I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism Number 3 into notebooks like a child in religious class. I do not remember what I wrote. But I know if I finish copying it out completely it will be in my heart even though my heart is broken and I cannot access it from there. But after the day of judgment it will be written on my heart in my glorified body and I will remember it forever.
I am seeing enemies everywhere. As if everyone in the world is an agent of the devil. Some people I know surely are. But everyone, even people who pretend to be holy. It is hard to judge when it comes to religious people. There are ways of discerning that I use. Are they lax? Do they imply that Jews can be saved without Baptism? Do they believe in evolution? Those are three I use. And I use my judgment. At the same time I trust everyone I know, but I trust no one. Like sedevacantists, to take one such group. I now think they are schismatics and tools of the devil. But I think many of them just do not know better and my best friend is a sedevacantist and I try to be good to him. Our priest knows what he believes and gives him the sacraments so I guess he thinks his beliefs are okay to hold.
Into the sea. I will go into the sea and drown in the waves of brine. I cannot swim but I will go into the sea. The poet sees the sea as his mother, as mother Mary is the star of the sea who guides us home. Into the sea. I love the world and think it is so beautiful, listening to birds, but I love and hate nearly everyone I know. I do not think there are a lot of good people in the world today. Nobody really believes and those who seem to are only looking to make money. I have to sell a thousand copies of "The Catholic Inquisitor" so I will be real strict and try to act more Catholic than everyone else (not to be mean to Louie, I am not completely serious).
I want to go into the sea. My mother. Why is drowning to the bottom of the sea the most frightening of deaths when it should be the most comforting?
A note of ambivalence. Tonight we are eating Chinese food for dinner. I do not know why I would note that but I do.
Into the sea. I am not inspired to write much lately. I am going to Church more to pray before the tabernacle or the Blessed Sacrament exposed on Thursdays and Fridays. It is a good habit. Jesus is there. And I really believe he is there and try to love Him. I believe I do love Him. But not enough, I know. And just because I love her and because she is so very beautiful I will post a picture of Gemma at the end of this little post. I could look at her always and never get tired of looking at her and I hope to be with her in heaven one day forever and ever. Peace.
I do like going to Church. There are people there. They seem like nice folk who are good and pray.
I do try to be good. But I talk to myself too much. And sometimes I say not-nice things. I do not get angry or upset or bitter or hateful. But I say strange things and sometimes bad things. I guess it is a vice. I started to slap myself in the face whenever I talked to myself, whether good or bad. Thoughts are alright, but speaking out loud seems wrong. But my mother saw me slapping my face and told me to stop doing that. So then I started saying a Hail Mary whenever I talked to myself. I remember the late Father Gruner advising a man who couldn't stop blaspheming to say a Hail Mary whenever he blasphemed and his habit ended quickly. I am doing the same. I do not think it is a sin, because it just comes out of me without any thought. A sign of a wicked heart. I guess I do not have a pure heart.
I am working on it. I am trying. I have been trying especially since I got out of the hospital. Trying to be pure. Praying more. Not listening to rock and roll music. I have found classical music to be superior as music anyway. Not just 1451451454545 over and over again. But I think it would be thought to be wicked in its own time anyway, just not as bad as the wicked music of today. Opera especially.
Into the sea. I am a different person than I was when I just got out of the hospital. The medicine effects me. It suppresses my imagination and deadens my strange ideas. And I have problems thinking. I have less energy also. But I do trust in God and feel like I am in a good state.
I went to confession on Sunday. I had little to confess. Once a month, he said. So I told my failings like talking to myself. I don't know when frequent confession became common. I heard once that in the early Church Catholics were only allowed to go to confession one time in their life plus on their deathbed. So if they ever committed a second mortal sin they would have to do penance for the rest of their lives, stay outside the Church and beg for prayers from the good Christians for the rest of their lives and hope that they do not die suddenly so that a priest could reach them before they die. Now we go every week and confess little sins and not just big ones. Also, they used to give real penances, like seven years of fasting for one mortal sin. Such things inspire awe. Now one receives a penance like pray one rosary for something like fornication. The penance is so slight compared to the sin that it makes the sacrament almost seem like a joke. Is that what one could call penance?
Into the sea. I will go into the sea.
My fasting is not going well. I eat too much. I do not think it is a sin, the amount I eat, but it is not penitential so I am failing on what I intended to do. I wanted to fast for forty days but every day I eat and eat and eat. It is like the devil is tempting me and since I see it as slight, for it is not Lent, I give in. I give in almost every day. I still pray, but I do not fast.
I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism Number 3 into notebooks like a child in religious class. I do not remember what I wrote. But I know if I finish copying it out completely it will be in my heart even though my heart is broken and I cannot access it from there. But after the day of judgment it will be written on my heart in my glorified body and I will remember it forever.
I am seeing enemies everywhere. As if everyone in the world is an agent of the devil. Some people I know surely are. But everyone, even people who pretend to be holy. It is hard to judge when it comes to religious people. There are ways of discerning that I use. Are they lax? Do they imply that Jews can be saved without Baptism? Do they believe in evolution? Those are three I use. And I use my judgment. At the same time I trust everyone I know, but I trust no one. Like sedevacantists, to take one such group. I now think they are schismatics and tools of the devil. But I think many of them just do not know better and my best friend is a sedevacantist and I try to be good to him. Our priest knows what he believes and gives him the sacraments so I guess he thinks his beliefs are okay to hold.
Into the sea. I will go into the sea and drown in the waves of brine. I cannot swim but I will go into the sea. The poet sees the sea as his mother, as mother Mary is the star of the sea who guides us home. Into the sea. I love the world and think it is so beautiful, listening to birds, but I love and hate nearly everyone I know. I do not think there are a lot of good people in the world today. Nobody really believes and those who seem to are only looking to make money. I have to sell a thousand copies of "The Catholic Inquisitor" so I will be real strict and try to act more Catholic than everyone else (not to be mean to Louie, I am not completely serious).
I want to go into the sea. My mother. Why is drowning to the bottom of the sea the most frightening of deaths when it should be the most comforting?
A note of ambivalence. Tonight we are eating Chinese food for dinner. I do not know why I would note that but I do.
Into the sea. I am not inspired to write much lately. I am going to Church more to pray before the tabernacle or the Blessed Sacrament exposed on Thursdays and Fridays. It is a good habit. Jesus is there. And I really believe he is there and try to love Him. I believe I do love Him. But not enough, I know. And just because I love her and because she is so very beautiful I will post a picture of Gemma at the end of this little post. I could look at her always and never get tired of looking at her and I hope to be with her in heaven one day forever and ever. Peace.
Saturday, October 12, 2019
Prayers Against the Devils
I got a new book of prayers. For protection against the devils. I will bring it to Church. I could use protection against the devils. The prayers might make one seem superstitious to the logical Christian who does not believe in the devil or thinks of him as an abstract and not a person of malicious will.
I will show it to one person in particular who could use it. We could all use it. I have not read all the prayers. But the ones I have read are nice. I cannot see the devils so I do not know how effective the prayers are. I haven't studied the prayers seriously yet, but I will.
Devil go away. Devil go away. I despise you and spit upon you. Go to the foot of the Cross to receive thy sentence.
I made that up, but some of the prayers are kind of like that. I don't know. So much has happened in my life that I see the devils' influence in. As if they really prowl throughout the world and have power over it. In fact I feel that the majority of people in the world today are for the most part totally controlled by the devil, abject slaves who only think they are doing their own will but are really controlled by their passions by the evil one and of his minions. The world only makes sense to me as the cosmic play between good God and the devil. I feel nearly everyone loves the devil now, and there are not many good people who love God. But I live in New York City, the capital of usury in the world today, so I am far from the garden of Eden.
I have been going to the local parish a lot to pray. I think it is good. Prayers before the tabernacle and in front of the Blessed Sacrament exposed. The local parish has Exposition and Benediction every Friday and the next one over has Exposition every Thursday. So I started going. I like to stare at Our Lord in the monstrance. sometimes I cry. Say prayers and cry. Thinking about the Passion and the Redemption.
I do not trust most people. The people I talk to. They are false prophets and only God can I trust. Everyone is a deceiver who really has the devil in their hearts. But when I see people I love them and trust them and think they have good intentions at heart. I trust and mistrust everyone I know. But I know I can trust Jesus.
The idea of the Novus Ordo being valid but defective is in my mind. It is not as good as the Latin Mass, but still valid. So Our Lord is truly present so one can honor him and worship him in the Novus Ordo tabernacles and in the Novus Ordo monstrances. I have taken that to heart and keep Our Lord company at my local parish and the next one over.
I still do not know what to think of the indult parishes. Should I go to Mass there? I went twice, but did not receive Communion there. I think it is valid and real, but I am not fully okay with it. I don't know all the reasons, but I go where I go for reasons of thinking it is the best place and the indult is compromised, at least somewhat and not as good, though it is valid. (I know "indult" is out of date). Many people where I go to Mass also go to Holy Innocents. For what it's worth, I think there are good people there, if there are any good people. They are pro-life and pray the Rosary and the women veil their heads at Mass. Is that enough? Perhaps. Perhaps not. They are respectful. Does the Good God dwell in their hearts? I hope so for all of them. I trust them and do not trust them.
I went to Mass at Holy Innocents to meet friends on the Feast of the Holy Rosary. My friends did not show up so I was alone. I saw a few people I knew but we did not talk. Barbara and Mark and Marie Therese. There was a procession where we walked around the streets of Manhatten with a statue of Our Lady of Fatima and prayed the Joyful and Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. I had never done that before. Julian's sister was also there but I do not remember what she looks like so I did not talk to her either.
Any way. I feel like a child of God. But I cannot see all the time. I am full of joy but I can not tell if other people are good or bad by looking at them. Sometimes I think I can. But I have to guess and for most people except for the little children I guess no, they are children of the devil. But I love them. I love everyone despite my words sometimes when I talk to myself.
I am praying more since I got out of the hospital. I am always thinking of God or Godly things. What else can I do with my life? With my broken mind that cannot remember again or again or again. I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism No. 3. I am up to question Number 784. There are 1400 questions. When I am done I will read it again and again in my notebooks. Perhaps I could make it a goal of my life to memorize it. That would be some achievement with the state of my memory. At least get the gist of it.
Forever and ever. This is a rambling post but my thoughts are clear. I am at peace now. I fear no evil. But I know I Can fall into fear in a moment. I feel peace.
I will show it to one person in particular who could use it. We could all use it. I have not read all the prayers. But the ones I have read are nice. I cannot see the devils so I do not know how effective the prayers are. I haven't studied the prayers seriously yet, but I will.
Devil go away. Devil go away. I despise you and spit upon you. Go to the foot of the Cross to receive thy sentence.
I made that up, but some of the prayers are kind of like that. I don't know. So much has happened in my life that I see the devils' influence in. As if they really prowl throughout the world and have power over it. In fact I feel that the majority of people in the world today are for the most part totally controlled by the devil, abject slaves who only think they are doing their own will but are really controlled by their passions by the evil one and of his minions. The world only makes sense to me as the cosmic play between good God and the devil. I feel nearly everyone loves the devil now, and there are not many good people who love God. But I live in New York City, the capital of usury in the world today, so I am far from the garden of Eden.
I have been going to the local parish a lot to pray. I think it is good. Prayers before the tabernacle and in front of the Blessed Sacrament exposed. The local parish has Exposition and Benediction every Friday and the next one over has Exposition every Thursday. So I started going. I like to stare at Our Lord in the monstrance. sometimes I cry. Say prayers and cry. Thinking about the Passion and the Redemption.
I do not trust most people. The people I talk to. They are false prophets and only God can I trust. Everyone is a deceiver who really has the devil in their hearts. But when I see people I love them and trust them and think they have good intentions at heart. I trust and mistrust everyone I know. But I know I can trust Jesus.
The idea of the Novus Ordo being valid but defective is in my mind. It is not as good as the Latin Mass, but still valid. So Our Lord is truly present so one can honor him and worship him in the Novus Ordo tabernacles and in the Novus Ordo monstrances. I have taken that to heart and keep Our Lord company at my local parish and the next one over.
I still do not know what to think of the indult parishes. Should I go to Mass there? I went twice, but did not receive Communion there. I think it is valid and real, but I am not fully okay with it. I don't know all the reasons, but I go where I go for reasons of thinking it is the best place and the indult is compromised, at least somewhat and not as good, though it is valid. (I know "indult" is out of date). Many people where I go to Mass also go to Holy Innocents. For what it's worth, I think there are good people there, if there are any good people. They are pro-life and pray the Rosary and the women veil their heads at Mass. Is that enough? Perhaps. Perhaps not. They are respectful. Does the Good God dwell in their hearts? I hope so for all of them. I trust them and do not trust them.
I went to Mass at Holy Innocents to meet friends on the Feast of the Holy Rosary. My friends did not show up so I was alone. I saw a few people I knew but we did not talk. Barbara and Mark and Marie Therese. There was a procession where we walked around the streets of Manhatten with a statue of Our Lady of Fatima and prayed the Joyful and Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. I had never done that before. Julian's sister was also there but I do not remember what she looks like so I did not talk to her either.
Any way. I feel like a child of God. But I cannot see all the time. I am full of joy but I can not tell if other people are good or bad by looking at them. Sometimes I think I can. But I have to guess and for most people except for the little children I guess no, they are children of the devil. But I love them. I love everyone despite my words sometimes when I talk to myself.
I am praying more since I got out of the hospital. I am always thinking of God or Godly things. What else can I do with my life? With my broken mind that cannot remember again or again or again. I am copying out the Baltimore Catechism No. 3. I am up to question Number 784. There are 1400 questions. When I am done I will read it again and again in my notebooks. Perhaps I could make it a goal of my life to memorize it. That would be some achievement with the state of my memory. At least get the gist of it.
Forever and ever. This is a rambling post but my thoughts are clear. I am at peace now. I fear no evil. But I know I Can fall into fear in a moment. I feel peace.
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Old Peeps
Today I hung out with Matthew and Andrea. They were friends from before I became ill, co-workers from Barnes and Noble. We talked. They are married now. Talked about people from work, and a little about life, movies, cell phones, books. We did not talk about Church or God which is what I am always thinking about these days. I showed them my two rooms with holy cards and books, but we did not talk about them. I talked about The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings. We talked for a while. I could see us being friends again. They are people. Neither are practicing Catholics. I pretty much only have Church friends. We talked a little about Danica in Los Angeles. Stephanie was mentioned. People from my past. So long ago, but we still could talk. We remember enough.
I don't think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. She cut me off from her instagram and did not send me a birthday greeting this year which was our ritual. For a decade we would talk by email three times per year or so, always on her birthday, April 30th, always on my birthday, September 10th and always on Christmas. I must have offended her somehow in a way I do not remember. Maybe I said something bad while having an episode or she was offended by my blog or instagram. So I guess I will not send her a message on Christmas. An old friend lost. Oh well. I will not lose any sleep over it, though I would prefer to remain friends with her as she is my one connection to my university days and as a former lover we have many shared memories and I remember her fondly even though I was very bad to her. I remember her with love. I will not be cutting my wrists or taking too many sleeping pills or drinking myself unconscious.
I don't think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. She cut me off from her instagram and did not send me a birthday greeting this year which was our ritual. For a decade we would talk by email three times per year or so, always on her birthday, April 30th, always on my birthday, September 10th and always on Christmas. I must have offended her somehow in a way I do not remember. Maybe I said something bad while having an episode or she was offended by my blog or instagram. So I guess I will not send her a message on Christmas. An old friend lost. Oh well. I will not lose any sleep over it, though I would prefer to remain friends with her as she is my one connection to my university days and as a former lover we have many shared memories and I remember her fondly even though I was very bad to her. I remember her with love. I will not be cutting my wrists or taking too many sleeping pills or drinking myself unconscious.
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