I am like a stupid little child. I know nothing. I just have a few ideas in my mind. I want to be good. I am lucky to have a home. I like going to Church. Especially since I got back from the hospital. Church has been my life and it is a happy life. I think about God all the time and only about him and the angels and the saints and the Blessed Mother. I think, I pray, and when I am on the computer I go to mostly religious sites. Before I was in the hospital for a while I thought about two things, God, and women, but now I am thinking of women less.
This is my favorite photograph of the Little Flower. I find she looks very beautiful. She looks peaceful. She is everyone's favorite saint by now. When I think of Marie Therese I think she has a beautiful name and wonder if she was named after the Little Flower as seems likely. I often have the idea that one can see grace (as well as sin), in the faces of people, and that this effect grows more and more over time. So that a just man looks just and a sinner looks wicked. Make-up can make such things confusing. But I get the sense that the Little Flower looks like a good girl in the photographs I have seen of her. She also looks very happy and serene.
This is her on her sick bed, as she lay dying. Holding a crucifix. I was struck by this picture also like with an arrow in the heart. Waiting for the unknown. I do not like having my own picture taken. There are different mirrors in our house. In the bathroom mirror, I always look good. But in the living room mirror I do not look as good. I do not know what I look like to other people. The last time I saw my brother, he told me I looked good as long as I don't gain weight. And he told me to do fifty push-ups a day, something I have yet to begin.
I have a very happy life. My mind is broken like a kaleidoscope, but the broken images I see are happy. As I was walking to the store to buy dinner I just looked at the clouds and could not help but think how beautiful everything was and how it made me happy. As the birds fly here and there in different directions, like every one of them was an angel. And when the pigeons fly in little companies always in circles and in curves. How do they know where to go and when to turn? I wonder if I will see the little brown pigeon with the crown again. The one who has a turquoise band on his leg and goes around with the pigeons and flies with him. I thought he must have been a pet, as he looked different from all the other pigeons and had a band, and that he left his house to hang out with the wild pigeons and then at the end of the day came back to his home.
On New Year's day we went to Church for the circumcision. I spoke to angry Tom and other people as well. Three of us spent all day in the coffee shop talking, mostly me and Tom. About Church and people we knew. It was nice to talk for a while. Neither of us had anything more important to do. But what is more important that going to Church and being with friends?
Tomorrow is Sunday, a big day. The plan is for us to go out after Church for dinner at a nice restaurant. So I got a lot of money out of the bank to cover the bill. We may drink wine.
I have my little pictures and my little books. I have everything I need. For now. The future I don't know. But I have hope.
I do not have many friends. Except for people from Church. I hope they are good people. We are all crazy though. All of us. Only crazy people could go to the conservative Latin Mass that we go to. But I have few friends. I lost a friend this year. My old girlfriend. I hope she contacts me again, but for now she is gone. She was my only connection to my school days oh so long ago and I have fond memories of her. I wonder if there are people from my past who often think of me. Does anyone love me or wish that they were with me? I guess it does not matter. I am happy. But perhaps they could contact me and then we would be happy together. I'm in heaven when you smile.
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