Routines

My current life has its routines now. Sunday is the best day, when I get to go to Church in the city for the Latin Mass and talk with Church friends over coffee. I have been going early and making a day of it as Mass is now in the evening. On Thursdays I get to go to Eucharistic Adoration for a little while and Benediction at St. Benny's. And on Fridays they have Jesus on the altar all day at the little chapel at Holy Child. I can go and look at Jesus for as long as I want if I am not busy on Friday. Some people look at television. I like looking at Jesus. I have not watched television or movies regularly in many years so I am used to the quiet and the silence. I use the computer, but that is different from television and is mostly reading and typing. So I like the quiet, to sit silently in a room or a chapel and pray. I say prayers. Lately I have been praying the Little Office and the Way of the Cross and on Thursday nights I have my holy hour. On week days I try to walk to Church three times so I can pray. I like to go and talk to God. He lives in the tabernacle even on the days when they do not have Him exposed in the monstrance.

I do not understand why, but it seems more monumental to look at and speak to Jesus when He is in the monstrance than when He is merely in the tabernacle. Behind a door. Behind a veil. I know He is there but I can not see Him. I can only see His house. But on Thursdays and Fridays I can look into His heart. I go to Him and just look at Him. And I pray, but I like looking at Him. I thank Him and I do not blame Him. I say thank you for letting me be happy but I do not curse Him for the times when I am sad.

And I look at the clouds. That has been a great source of happiness, looking at the clouds. They are very beautiful and every time I walk outside of the house I can look up at the sky, at the sun, or the clouds or the moon, even if there are no birds, and it is beautiful, and seeing beauty gives me great happiness. I do not know why I am noticing the beauty of the creation now more than I used to. But ever since I got out of the hospital I have been ever sensitive to the beauty of nature. Inside Churches or looking at paintings there is beauty, but somehow it does not compare to the natural beauty of the earth and the sky, even in the city where man-made buildings are dominant and nature is in the background. There is always a sliver of sky and I can look at the heavens and cry out "that is where God lives." It is as if the earth really is in the center of the universe and the firmament is above us and all the stars and the sun and the moon circle around us and are there in the firmament above us which appears to be infinite but is really just a vision and above there are the waters and then the infinite heaven where God lives with His mother and all the angels and the saints.

I have not been going on my walks during the winter time, instead I have been simply going to Church to pray rather than spend all that time walking. So I have my routines. I hope to start a fasting routine soon, for Lent or maybe sooner. I am trying to eat less food, but my will is weak. I am often eating just a little bit more bread. Hopefully I will master my appetite and cease being a glutton. I have done it before so I know I can do it again.

So tonight I went to Benediction. A relative of one of my old schoolmates Jose was there and she took out her phone and showed me a picture of him with his children. He is lucky to have a big family.

So I do have my routines. I don't know how interesting they are to you, but they are to me. Go to Benediction if you can. It is wonderful to just sit there and look at Jesus for a while and then kneel for the blessing. I would that it were every day. When I go into the City for Church and I get there early, I have been walking to Holy Innocents. In the afternoon the have Vespers but they do something weird. After Vespers is over they take Jesus out of the tabernacle and put Him in the monstrance for a few moments and then have Benediction and then immediately put Him away. It would be better if they took him out in the beginning before Vespers and left him there for the whole service so that we could look into the heart of Jesus for the whole time instead of just for a moment.

I have no troubles and no doubts lately. I live in a little world that is wonderful in happiness. The future, who knows, but for now I an happy. Even though my mind is broken I do not suffer much. I hope if my life becomes sad that I will have hope and still love Jesus if I end up in a bad place.

So I am looking forward to Church as I always do and I am looking forward to therapy again this Monday. It has been too long. My therapist is finally back from her illness. It is supposed to be every two weeks, but I have only been there about three times since the end of July. The people there are like my friends. I will be happy to see them and talk to them. I hope my few readers, and I cannot tell how many I have, like reading my little blog posts. I write them for comfort and for a record of my life and my routines and I share them with you in case you care enough to read them. You can be my friends and these posts are a little chat in the evening to ask about your day.

A lot of people have blogs where they talk about the news in the world, or like the ones I read, in the Church, but I do not talk about such things. I know a little about such things, but they are not important to me. I just want to look into the heart of God and find love and peace, and I feel I have a little bit of happiness and am grateful for it.

People who do not believe would laugh at Eucharistic Adoration and Benediction; to think that a little piece of bread is God. He is. But everyone needs a God in their life and mine is Jesus who comes down to us from the hands of the priest in the form of bread and wine. He is my God and I love Him and I want to visit Him and look into His heart and thank Him for everything.