Three Hail Marys

Of all of the prayers I pray, there is one devotion that seems to me to be more powerful than all the others. It is not praying the Rosary, but a little devotion.

I remember one day when I was new at Church, a man named Andre, who moved away years ago, gave me a little prayer card. On the front it had a black and white picture of Our Lady of Perpetual Help with bejeweled crowns of gold on the heads of the Baby Jesus and Mother Mary.

And on the back it described a devotion.

Every morning you should pray three Hail Marys as soon as you rise from bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this day from mortal sin."

Every evening you should pray three Hail Marys right before you retire to go to bed. And after each Hail Mary, you should recite the similar prayer: "By thy holy and immaculate conception, O Mary, make my body pure and my soul holy. O my mother, preserve me this night from mortal sin."

Like with many devotions, this prayer card came with a promise of salvation for those who faithfully recite the prayers every morning and every night until death, or perhaps, senility.

I think this is a powerful prayer because I used to be tempted with sins of impurity like many young men, but when I took up this devotion these temptations went away and I had peace ever after. I am like a quiet man on an island who grows enough food to survive, has a clean source of water, and good friends who come once a month to give me all I need to survive. I have a peaceful happy life.

But I was thinking about this powerful devotion because there is a man who I was talking to after Church. He told me he suffered from temptations against purity and sometimes fell into sin. Namely, he spoke of pornography. This is a difficult sin. I remember when I first tried to give up sins of impurity the devils had their claws in me and tempted me terribly. It was far more difficult than quitting cigarettes, which was hard, or cutting down on drinking beer, which was relatively easy. There was even one time where I felt my body compelled to commit an act of impurity against my will as if the devils were controlling my body but, my will resisted and I did not consent. They say there are monks who left the world and even after decades of fasting in the desert, they were still tempted by fornication. I am fortunate that I no longer suffer from such temptations and I hope they do not return. I think this devotion the the Blessed Virgin Mary is the reason.

But I will write down this devotion on a little card and give it to my friend and tell him that it helped me avoid the temptations he is struggling with. I hope it helps him too. He must trust me because he told me about such an embarrassing sin.

A Fly

So I was sitting in Church and praying. And there was a big fly flying around the Church and as one woman was kneeling on the prie-dieu the fly came near her and she tried swatting it away with her hands a few times.

As I was reading my prayer book the fly landed on my prayer book and I kept still and it started crawling along the top of the book as I was praying, holding the book in my hands. The front, then for a moment the back. It was not afraid of me. And I stared at it and thought: "This is not a fly. This is the devil, come to visit us and disrupt our prayer". It is a thought I have sometimes. Then it flew away but it came to land near me on the pews a few times and crawled about a bit and then it went away and I no longer saw it. It was a big ugly black fly, hairy, with black eyes.

Sometimes I am afraid of flies as I see them as signs of the devil. The same with moths and water bugs and cats. Especially water bugs. I know it sounds superstitious.

Roses

Julian today. He has a crush. He asked me to get him roses to give to his aide. He is in love with her or something. So I got him five roses to give to her. I saw his sister too. I love Julian. But he is a funny guy. He is very pious. And his beliefs are strange as a faithful follower of Most Holy Family Monastery. So I visited him. He is my good friend.

He spoke of how he is worried God is angry at him for his sinful past. And I reassured him that he has been trying to be good for a long time. For me it has been twelve years. But time really flies for me ever since I was diagnosed. Twelve years in the blink of an eye. It does not seem so long, but the days are never ending. I am faithful.

It has been a while since I have written anything. I have abandoned my writing. I haven't looked at it in a while or began something new. I deleted most of my writing except for one story and I still have the two screenplays. I know nothing will come of them, but they were my own ideas and my thoughts on life and love of women. It was important to me for a few months and now it is not. I was driven to write them, and now they are put away. When I was a child I had the things of a child, but now that I am grown I put away the things of a child and take up the things of a man. When he was a child she gave him a toy to make him smile but now that he is all grown he has no need of toys.

It has been a while, but I have become very un-materialistic. I live simply. I need food to live. Other than coffee I do not have many non-necessities. Sometimes with my spare change I buy religious items. A cross, a rosary, a book. This month I ordered a missal. I have a 1962, this one is a 1945. I am happy with my simple life. It seems strange to me that many people are materialistic. Perhaps I am wise, I do not know.

But tonight is the last night before Lent. I am celebrating. I think of God, but I am not praying so much today except to give thanks and my rosary. And I am going out to dinner with my mother, and I am having beer tonight before I go to bed. And then tomorrow the time of penance begins.

But like a trappist, or a buddhist monk I am happy with less. I find that once one's basic needs are met, one does not need much to be happy. But I am not starving or being tortured. Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like if I am living in a mental institution with other crazy people when I get older. I think I would like it as long as they don't abuse me.

So it is good visiting Julian in the nursing home. And I will celebrate tonight.

I am happy so I am boring. Only suffering and pain are really interesting. So I am a boring person. I am looking forward to the spring when there will be more birds, more singing, and more bees and butterflies again. I will go on my daily walks when the weather is warmer and look at the beautiful flowers and the life living and the leaves on the trees. But things like that do not interest people, all we care about is sex and kinkiness.

I am a child. And then there is twitter. I hope you enjoy carne-vale and have a happy and productive Lent. For Lent I will fast. One meal at night, most often my rice and lentils, and in the afternoon I plan on having a collation of toast with butter and jelly and coffee. Some people care about the food bits and the fasting. I will not be eating any meat all Lent and no fish.

Think of death. Our only friend. I want to have a human skull on my desk to look at and hold in my hand. I wonder if amazon sells them.

Later: I am back from dinner. I am having my beer now. Slowly, not too much, but enough to make me sleep easy. At dinner, and it was a benefit dinner for the drama club of the local Catholic Church, our priest was there, Father H. He came up to me and said I was a "saintly man". I guess he sees me praying in Church sometimes. I told him he should have benediction more, and if he did, I would go. And he told me that at Saint Benny's they were going to extend Eucharistic Adoration to all day which is nice. More people get to go and look at Jesus. Sometimes I go and read from my prayer books. But it is nice to look into His heart and make little ejaculations or prayerful thoughts and just gaze at Him. When you look at Him, He looks at you. It is real. I don't believe, I know. There are some things you know which don't need explanation. Julian is wrong, Jesus it there in the Blessed Sacrament. I know he is. Julian is blind. I can see. God would not abandon all the world, except for a few thousand people. He is present even until the end of the world.

But I am a boring person. I am happy. It is good to drink beer. I was talking to Julian about sex and we are  both strict on that. I told him, that for sex to be good, the man and woman should get together and pray to God and then say, please give us a child, before they engage in the act every time, and only then would sex be good. To pray for a child. I do not want to have a child, because I am too crazy to be a good Father. The only reason I wish I were sane, is because if I were sane I could support a wife and a family and have children. I would love children. But I am not able to support them and no wife would have me. But I am happy enough, even though I am alone. I used to be addicted to sex, but now I am free of that addiction. I know what sex is, but now I am like a little child who knows nothing about sex and has no desire for it as if it were completely irrelevant to him. Even though I love women still. There is a woman I love, but I do not want to marry her. If anything I hope to meet her one day in heaven and then we can have a long conversation that lasts forever and ever. But none of us deserve heaven. We are wicked little brats fit for nothing but damnation. The priests would do best to lie to us and say that all of us are saved and let us have a little pleasure before our damnation. A little pleasure before the infinite suffering. But I am happy so I am boring. Have peace and give a pence to the good God. I do not hate Him, even if there is a hell.

Going To Church

Sunday is the best day of the week. I have a routine that I have been following. In the morning I wake up and I drink coffee. I have a few cups. Then I go to the subway. My Father drives me most of the time. I get on the train and go and go and go. I am never sure which train I will take and which line it will run on and if it will be going local or express but I can get there either way so I take whichever train comes first. When I get to the city sometimes I have to go to the bathroom because of the coffee and if I do I can go to the public restrooms at Bryant Park or at the Port Authority. When I get into the city I like to go to Holy Innocents for Vespers and Benediction. Vespers is in Latin and I do not read along in the little booklets that have the prayers in English. I just listen and I watch. And after Vespers they have a short little Benediction. I wish they would have Jesus Exposed all throughout Vespers but they do not. They just take Him out, say a few prayers and sing a little, do the blessing, and put Him back again right away. He is only exposed for a minute or two with no silence. But it is a blessing from Jesus. After that is over the people clear out and go home. I watch the servers come out from the sacristy in their street clothes and the priest in his cassock. Then I walk East a few blocks and go to the Church of Our Savior. I sit in the back or kneel and either read or say prayers in silence, depending on how my day is. When it is time I go to our little upper room for Mass. I get there on time for the rosary before Mass. Tom leads for fifteen decades and on Sundays that is my daily rosary and some times I go to confession. Then Church starts and it is so very beautiful. I try to go to Communion. When Mass is over I usually hang out and often talk to people. Most days we go get coffee and food afterwards and talk. And then I take the subway home. That is my day, the best day of the week.

The picture is the Church of Our Saviour.

I Will Cry Like A Young Swallow

1

Have mercy on me, O God, according to thy great mercy. And according to the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my iniquity. [4] Wash me yet more from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. [5] For I know my iniquity, and my sin is always before me.

[6] To thee only have I sinned, and have done evil before thee: that thou mayst be justified in thy words and mayst overcome when thou art judged. [7] For behold I was conceived in iniquities; and in sins did my mother conceive me. [8] For behold thou hast loved truth: the uncertain and hidden things of thy wisdom thou hast made manifest to me. [9] Thou shalt sprinkle me with hyssop, and I shall be cleansed: thou shalt wash me, and I shall be made whiter than snow. [10] To my hearing thou shalt give joy and gladness: and the bones that have been humbled shall rejoice.

[11] Turn away thy face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. [12] Create a clean heart in me, O God: and renew a right spirit within my bowels. [13] Cast me not away from thy face; and take not thy holy spirit from me. [14] Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation, and strengthen me with a perfect spirit. [15] I will teach the unjust thy ways: and the wicked shall be converted to thee.

[16] Deliver me from blood, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall extol thy justice. [17] O Lord, thou wilt open my lips: and my mouth shall declare thy praise. [18] For if thou hadst desired sacrifice, I would indeed have given it: with burnt offerings thou wilt not be delighted. [19] A sacrifice to God is an afflicted spirit: a contrite and humbled heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. [20] Deal favourably, O Lord, in thy good will with Sion; that the walls of Jerusalem may be built up.

[21] Then shalt thou accept the sacrifice of justice, oblations and whole burnt offerings: then shall they lay calves upon thy altar.

2

 [10] I said: In the midst of my days I shall go to the gates of hell: I sought for the residue of my years.

[11] I said: I shall not see the Lord God in the land of the living. I shall behold man no more, nor the inhabitant of rest. [12] My generation is at an end, and it is rolled away from me, as a shepherd's tent. My life is cut off, as by a weaver: whilst I was yet but beginning, he cut me off: from morning even to night thou wilt make an end of me. [13] I hoped till morning, as a lion so hath he broken all my bones: from morning even to night thou wilt make an end of me. [14] I will cry like a young swallow, I will meditate like a dove: my eyes are weakened looking upward: Lord, I suffer violence, answer thou for me. [15] What shall I say, or what shall he answer for me, whereas he himself hath done it? I will recount to thee all my years in the bitterness of my soul.

[16] O Lord, if man's life be such, and the life of my spirit be in such things as these, thou shalt correct me, and make me to live. [17] Behold in peace is my bitterness most bitter: but thou hast delivered my soul that it should not perish, thou hast cast all my sins behind thy back. [18] For hell shall not confess to thee, neither shall death praise thee: nor shall they that go down into the pit, look for thy truth. [19] The living, the living, he shall give praise to thee, as I do this day: the father shall make thy truth known to the children. [20] O Lord, save me, and we will sing our psalms all the days of our life in the house of the Lord.

Thinking on this.