In This Life

In this life there is no purgatory; it is either hell or paradise; for to him who serves God truly, every trouble and infirmity turns into consolations, and through all kinds of trouble he has a paradise within himself even in this world: and he who does not serve God truly, and gives himself up to sensuality, has one hell in this world, and another in the next.
-St. Philip Neri

A quote taken from another blog.

Pork Shoulder

Back from Church. No Mass, but got to look at Jesus for a while. My father was kind enough to drive me again. And mom came. The girl is cooking dinner tonight. Pork shoulder. She did it a week ago, and liked it enough to do it again. I was thinking about making swordfish steaks. I never ate swordfish. I do like cooking. The best is making soup. I like keeping the vegetables and chicken scraps in the freezer, then taking out the big stock pot and boiling it all for hours. Us being together as a big family is good and bad. It is nice having a nice big meal together, but I am eating common food and not my rice and lentils.

Just a record of my thoughts. And my dreams. And my wishes. Thank you for reading.

Girls

I think a lot about life. My life is happy. I have my routines. During the pandemic I have become a drunkard. Not literally. But I have gone against the AA teaching that one can never have a drink because it will always lead to the loss of the soul to the demons of the liquor. But who are the important people in my life? I titled this post "girls" because I like girls. I have no girl in my life. I am insignificant. There is not a girl in this world who cares about me or who shows me favor.

There are girl saints in heaven who I communicate with. And I have a girl who used to be my muse for a while but we never talk, though she posts things online. But no girl thinks about me always, loves me, and cares for me and would be sad if I died today.

I am an old man and I am poor. It is good that I am happy with little, because I will never have more.

But it is strange. In late 2018 and early 2019 I had my muse who I thought about and wrote my stories about and obsessed over, though not with lust, but that is over and now I only have the saints.

It has been a long time since I have been to Mass, so I do not see the lovely Helena and the beautiful Cecilia and the other girls at Church. I hope to see them again soon. We are not friends, as I am with Julian and angry Tom, but I love seeing them with grace.

I think a lot about life. It is good that there are so many birds. I could be happy even with only sparrows and pigeons, the ugly rock doves. There is something beautiful about birds. When I think about animals, and how animals are beautiful and people are ugly. It has to be because animals are innocent and people are defiled with sin. A sinful man should be uglier than any animal, while a just man should be more beautiful than any animal. For those with eyes to see. I say this as a schizophrenic whose first fall into craziness was to think I could see peoples' sins and was repulsed by them. Perhaps it is a gift and not a delusion.

If you want to be my friend, please send me a message. I could use more friends. I have a couple of friends and then there are other people. To have someone to save you or someone for you to save. In this world of pain. Gemma is my friend, but she has never visited her. I only love her and hope she loves me. And I never hear a word from my muse, but that is on the razor's edge. And Mellonie, I don't think she wants to talk to me anymore. I am dust to her. But I love the good God. Happy birthday.

Battling Porn

https://www.catholicgentleman.net/2020/05/battling-porn-how-to-know-if-youre-addicted/

I read this blog for some reason. I don't remember how I found it. It seems to be an attempt to help young troubled men lead decent Catholic lives. This post is about pornography addiction. I guess a lot of men struggle with this. It is hard to deal with. In my days before I became religious I used to look at pornography and it was highly addictive. Now I do not struggle with it, though I do drink too much caffeine and I like beer on occasion. Those are my addictions. But I think the question should not be, "how to know if you're addicted." It should be rather, that any use at all is a sin, so even if one only does it on occasion and could give it up, one would still be damned. Sometimes you really do have to gouge out your eye to attain the crown.

Forsaken not man being one with the father. I don't know. I am having problems lately. In thinking about people. I am judging them harshly. I am thinking they are bad, evil, and knowingly wicked. I know I am wicked, but not as bad as I used to be. But I think most people are bad. Maybe if one looks at the world it would make sense to think we are all evil. The world has more physical resources than ever before since the great flood and we are gluttonous for material things and pleasure more than we ever were and nobody is satisfied. Everyone eats their bread on the blood of Christ. I don't know. Rape of the world for momentary pleasure. I would be happier if we lived in a world of relative poverty, as long as people had enough to eat and didn't starve, but it were simpler, with fewer luxuries. As long as the government did not torture us or it was dangerous to go out in the streets because of crime.

I have been trying to appreciate the dollar store. I was happy to learn that their diet soda was passable so I can save 1.25 for every bottle of soda I buy. Last visit I bought two 6 oz bags of coffee and I am excited to try them. If they are passable I can save about 2 dollars for every two bags I buy. It is exciting. To live thriftily. It is good so I can give more money to Church or to my family. They have pretty good dollar sandwiches which I can eat for breakfast or lunch, also for a dollar. It is really helpful. And they have lots of good cookies.

I got my holy cards from the monastery. They gave me a card to apply to join a confraternity of Jesus under the title of King of Love. It is a fairly new devotion. I may join. And they sell statues of Jesus that they carve themselves. If I join I will buy one of their statues. They are expensive, but they are a labor of love so they would be worth it.

I have a statue of a black Mary holding the baby Jesus wearing royal garments. This is Jesus alone as a beautiful little boy.

I was thinking about sedevacantism. I know some sedevacantists. Many online. Some in person. My best friend Julian (who I did not choose my pen name after) is one, and angry Tom is another. Of the sedevacantists I know, some are good people. But I am now very opposed to their position on Churchy things. When someone becomes a sedevacantist I get sad inside. I am a liberal. But they seem to go too far. They say for every heresy that arises, another heresy the opposite of it arises that goes too far in response to the first heresy. The example here is the Donatists and now the sedevacantists. They are scandalized by the Church so they reject it. But I love Julian, and I would think that he is in a state of grace despite his sedevacantism. It is understandable and I hope they are not condemned. I hope God does not judge them with as strict of a judgment as they judge the Pope and the Bishops and the Novus Ordo priests.

I hate Novus Ordo Watch and have for years. And True Restoration is a running joke in my mind. A sick joke. Even worse by far than the Crusade Channel of the Saint Benedict Center (and I respect Father Feeney). But nobody cares what I think. I was amused when someone spoke about me on Cathinfo as my handle. As if I were a famous person. They spoke of me as if I was a person of note that all traditional Catholics should know. It was as if someone said: "you are a traditional Catholic and you do not know 'Matto'?". Perhaps I am prominent in this little pond as I have made many posts on various traditional Catholic forums. But very few people read this blog. My SSPX priests know of my internet handle and that I talk on the forums. I do not bash them very often so I am not ashamed of them knowing who I am, though I do not support them blindly either. I do hope they are mostly good priests as I think they are, and not bad, though recently Mr. Voris, who I think is one of the least reputable men in the trad world, has accused some of them of sexual sins. So I have made a name for myself, I guess. It is a small world. I have been living in this pond since 2010, though I first sighted it in 2008. The world has changed a lot in 12 years. When I discovered this pond George W. Bush was president, then quickly Obama took office and now we are near the end of Trump's first term. It seemed like yesterday that I told Matthew that he should vote for Trump because the media hated him, but he preferred Ted Cruz. And now he is a fervent Trump supporter while I don't trust him, though I prefer him to a Democrat. For a while he even believed in Q Anon.

When you come to judge this world by fire.

Today our family, me, the girl, Michael, mom and dad, went to the wildlife refuge. It is a pond by the bay which is of salt water, where a lot of birds live. We saw yellow birds, swallows, red-winged blackbirds, ducks, geese, and various gulls and terns. There were so many swallows eating bugs. they darted back and forth, turning quickly, over the water and over the sand, eating flying bugs too small for us to see. We saw two Canada geese walking, presumable a mother and father, with two baby geese. My father took pictures of them and I told him to send me one of them which I want to post on my Instagram. My father took two pictures of me but I didn't look good in them so I will not share them. And after that we went to get food. We went to Popeyes but it was closed so instead we went to KFC. The food was good (for fast food) so it made me happy. And now I am having my beer, relaxing, and writing this blog post. I am such a sinner.

For what it's worth, amazon is recommending me a book titled Things Fall Apart. It is reading my blog posts. I have no desire to read right now, I have not even read The Leopard or The Penitent, all I want to read is my prayer books. Much of it the same every day, with variations for the days of the week and the seasons of the year. And I pray fourteen different Stations of the Cross, for the most part in a two week cycles, for the most part.

So I will join the Confraternity of Jesus, King of Love. It is my monastery. I gave them money. They are under the local diocese in Ireland, but they say the Latin Mass and are somewhat traditional. They are not SSPX leaning of sedevacantist. I hope they are good people. I have been watching their livestreams during the lockdown and they have a lot of young monks, though the priest abbot is older. But all of the other monks look young. I can not join them, as I am too old, and also because I am infirm. I have never prayed like they pray, though. I pray a little, but they pray a lot. Every day. They pray. I watch Vespers, but that is only one of the offices. There are eight, plus Mass. One could think of it as a job. But it is so calming when I listen to them pray.

I hope to be able to join and buy their statue. I believe a 4 inch statue it 78 dollars. A bit much, but it is beautiful and hand-made and would go to a good cause. I will join the confraternity. The only requirements are to pray a short prayer, "Jesus, King of Love, I put my trust in thy loving mercy" in the morning and in the evening, and to carry a medal wherever you go. I can put it on my key chain. I am so glad they sent me their holy cards. I will not cherish them as I do the cards of Gemma, but they are nice. One is a picture of the Little Flower. In the sea.

I do not have a lot of friends anymore. I never had a lot. I do not think Mellonie wants to talk to me anymore. I will not contact her. If she contacts me I will be happy and try to be friends, but it is up to her. I do not have a lot of other friends. Nobody loves me or cares. I have Julian and angry Tom, yes. Julian is my best friend, the crazy sedevacantist. And Cora calls me sometimes. I have to get back to Church. With the beautiful Cecilia and the lovely Helena. What a joy. When I see them I think of how beautiful they are and not how ugly everyone else is. I imagine it is because they have grace while everyone else has sin. But that is merely speculation. In the eyes of God. Pax tecum.

Regina Coeli

Remember, O Most gracious Virgin Maria, that never was it known that anyone who ever fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left forsaken. Inspired by this confidence I fly unto thee O Virgin Maria. To thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate despise not my petitions, but in thy clemency hear me and answer me. Amen.

I got mail today. The March / April issue of The Epoch Times. "Truth and Tradition". I never bought it. They just got my address and mailed one to me, hoping I would like it and subscribe. I see ads for their paper on Youtube. They seem to be anti-communist. I believe they are owned by members of the Falun Gong religion that is suppressed by the Chinese government. From the ads, they seem to be right-leaning and conspiratorial. I will read it and see if it is good, but will not subscribe. I also got the Regina Coeli report. It is about seeing God in nature. There is a picture of cute children looking at a praying mantis and another picture of a cute girl holding a monarch butterfly on her hand and cute children looking at it in awe. I have been seeing God in nature. In the mourning doves and the sparrows. A few butterflies and bees but there will be more of them in a month or two.

For what it's worth. Our family is holding up together during the quarantine. We do our things and come together in the evening for dinner. Mom has me lead the blessing before meals. I enjoy cooking. Especially making soup. I enjoy making soup more than perhaps any other kind of food. I save the scraps of the onions and the carrots and the celery we use and the stems of the parsley and keep them in the freezer until I have a big bag and I boil them until the broth is brown. Sometimes I add chicken, and of course some bay leaves and salt, maybe some thyme. We had a turkey for Mother's Day so my brother wants me to boil the carcass into turkey stock. Why not? Would that work? Why not? What type of soup would that be?

I really like watching vespers at noon. Really listening as there is nothing to watch, just a dozen monks standing and singing in a bare room. But the singing is very calming. Even though I do not know enough Latin to understand most of their prayers. I know it is vespers. Lately they are chanting the Litany of the Blessed Virgin Mary near the end.

For three Sundays in a row my father drove me to Holy Innocents in the city. They have the Church open with the Blessed Sacrament exposed. So I like to go and look at Jesus. He looks at me. My favorite prayer is just looking at Jesus in the monstrance. And at home I look at my pictures of Gemma. You become like the things and the people you look at. So if you are always looking at Jesus you become like Jesus. If you are always looking at pictures of Gemma you become like Gemma. If you are always looking at the devil's tabernacle you become like the devil. I don't see how anyone can save his soul while watching television. Even if all he watches is EWTN. I recently read an account of a miracle and a conversion. Someone was watching television trying to go to the pornography channel but instead he saw Mother Angelica. He kept changing the channel and no matter what channel he went to he saw Mother Angelica. And he started listening to her and he converted and became a Catholic. But you become like what you look at. So take custody of your eyes and only look at the good and the beautiful. Or if you do look at the ugly and the wicked, be careful to look at the good before and after to prepare yourself and to heal. An hour or two in front of Jesus in the monstrance can last a whole week! Who needs to receive Communion in your mouth if you can receive Him with your eyes!

I feel like I am benefiting from the quarantine spiritually. I appreciate Jesus more now that he is hidden from me. I cannot go to Communion, but I can love Jesus in the world and invisibly where I know He is in the Church that is locked, and then once a week where I can see Him, even though I can not receive Him. One only has to receive Jesus one time in one's life and it can last and give graces forever. Mary of Egypt repented of her sins and went to confession and received Communion one time and fled into the desert. She lived alone for fifty years and became the greatest of saints because of that one Communion. And then God sent a priest to her in the desert and he gave her one last Communion and on the day she received Him she died and went to heaven. If one receives often one would think one would become holier, but often one becomes complacent. I think I am better off now being unable to receive. I feel I am doing better and being nicer. And I am praying more and helping out my family more and doing what I am told. I am one of those Jansenists who think people receive Communion too often and that it would be better if Communion happened privately and not during Mass when everyone feels pressured to go up whether or not they are well disposed. One can say, well Pope Pius X was a saint and he promoted frequent Communion so it must be good, but as soon as he promoted it the Church fell apart and many of her members descended into depravity. But I am not really a Jansenist. I once was one, I believe. For at times in my despair While I was a new convert and the devil was attacking me and burning me I felt as if I was a sinner and that I had no free will but everything I did was controlled by the devil and I could do no good no matter what because the devil was pulling my strings. I guess that is one of the Jansenist ideas.

Of all the things I hope happen because of the quarantine, I hope people will appreciate Jesus more in the Eucharist, and Church in general. And I hope people will become less materialistic. BUt that is not likely if they watch the devil's tabernacle or netflix. Oh well. My parents have a television in our house. I hate it. I never watch it. Sometimes they leave it on after they leave the living room and I turn it off.

My mother does not like classical music. When we go in the car I like putting on one of the two classical music stations but she was complaining today and turned it off. How can someone not like classical music? It was a good song too, I don't know the name, but it was beautiful. It is probably because she watches television.

I feel often like I am alone. I am a sheep but where is the shepherd? I see Jesus in the monstrance, He is my shepherd. But He is my Godly shepherd, where is my human shepherd. I go to Church and at Church there is a priest, Father S who hears my confession. Yes, he is my shepherd. But I am alone now. He is not saying Mass. He called me twice and I was happy to speak with him, but he has never visited my house with Jesus.

When I watch the monks sing the office every day at noon, sometimes I wish I was with them. I live with my family and my mind is broken so I can not join them and if I did I am sure there would be struggles, but it seems like a nice life. To be taken care of and to be always before Jesus. These monks pray before the monstrance often. They are Benedictines who wear black habits. I do not know what kind of work they do but I like reading their blog and listening to them chant.

I hope people become less materialistic. Money is the ring. Greedy people. I do not need many things. I have a computer and my pictures of Gemma, and I need a little food, and I like coffee and diet soda and beer. That is a lot of things already. But I feel happy. I do not need a lot of money. I would be happy to live a completely subsistence lifestyle where I was not in danger of starvation, but had no excess, and just lived a quiet, happy life, as I do now. I am so lucky to have my family to help take care of me.

While I was walking today I saw a young girl about seven or eight years old wearing shorts and a tee shirt. She was twerking, if that is the right word. I looked at her face. She looked like she was very cold. Such a young one.

When I was at fire Island this summer we were in my uncle's house and they saw the rocket man, a man who flew up in the air from the sea on a rocket of propelled water and they watched him fly. My father took a video. Rocket man.